To yell at my husband for being miserable

[Anotherfarmerswife]

I’ve NC for this as it’s possibly outing although I’m sure there are thousands of miserable, depressed farmers out there whose wives might be similar.

My husband is a farmer, he’s in partnership with his (elderly) father of a family farm which has been in the family circa 250years. The job is hard at the moment, not enough staff, volatile commodity prices and soaring costs, it isn’t what it was when his father was running the job in the 70s when they were pissing shit hot chemicals into water courses and basically decimating the countryside, but my husband does a brilliant job.

We live a beaut life (this is in relevance to my post, I’m not gloating). Three young children, a really beautiful place to live in more space than most people dream of, dogs, horses, I work part time as a fee earning professional and honestly through my eyes life is awesome, apart from him.

Everything sits heavy on him. The farm is, as he describes, the millstone around his neck which he wishes he didn’t have - the pressure to make it work and to carry it on, something he can never walk away from. It plagues his every day, every trip away he’s light and the moment we come down the drive the black dog descends.

The house is a constant stress for him. It’s a big old listed farmhouse and to be fair it constantly shitting itself one way or another but for me like most rationale people, it’s a nice problem to have. I see a nice home to bring up our children, I don’t know what he sees but it’s all dark.

The gardens are endless and there isn’t enough time to sort them all out, something always needs doing - I feel like this is the same for anyone who takes an interest in gardening, no matter the size. It bothers him, to the point sometimes he comes home and cuts the pissing lawn in the dark.

I do everything with him, I share the burden physically and mentally of the farm and at home, plus I carry the weight of all the childrens admin because I always have.

He goes in cycles, sometimes he’s jolly as fuck and living the dream we actually have. This week is another pit of sorrow, rejected loads of wheat, deductions, a massive invoice from the fertiliser company and four new tractor tyres at fuck knows how much. He’s sulking and miserable and I know he suffers with depression, he gets inside his head and he can’t cope with everything and his mood just spirals.

I have asked him so many times to seek help but he has a shotgun licence and his solace is the odd day clay shooting with his friends, apparently seeking mental health support means his guns would be taken and so that is not an option.

I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m in my mid 30s, I want to laugh some more, I know he’s struggling but I feel like he’s pulling me down with him. We’re going away next week which he’s moping about (despite it being his suggestion). I’ve organised everything from the kids to the house sitter to the animals to the farm relief, he hasn’t had to think about it.

Tonight I just lost my shit and told him I was so fed up of him being such a miserable twat when he’s surrounded by so much good. I know depression doesn’t work like that and I understand it’s hard but fuck me we literally have the world to go at and he’s stalking about upstairs making his problems worse in his head, he doesn’t even speak to me about it, just shuts down until the cloud lifts.

I don’t know what to say to change things? I don’t know what to do next? I love the bones of him and I want to help but I can’t go through another cycle of elated-calm-down-desperate-distant again, I’ve just run out of steam. I don’t know what I’m asking really, am I being a dick? What should I be doing to help him, we just bugger along getting from one of his breakdowns to another, it isn’t normal but so many of his friends are also farmers in the same shitstorm I think he thinks it is?

Yes thanks - since the monumental fuck up with spray recommendations last year, we do now get copies of these, in part probably the agronomists trying to cover their arses for future although it wasn’t their fault at all. This year he tried to turn the cropping plan on its arse by drilling the wrong things in the wrong fields and ultimately that will be an ongoing issue because a lot of the lads have worked for him historically so what FIL says, they do. Ultimately I think a lot of the feeling of his desperation is feeling like we’re living in limbo whilst the 82year old calls the shots and horrible as it is, I sometimes wish time away. He does love it here, I think that’s were my frustration comes in, we live in a beautiful place and we have a really nice life but day to day when the pressure is on, it’s on him and I didn’t handle myself well this time.

I think some of the problems he brings to me, he does expect me to be able to wash away with what I do for other landowners as part of my job, but a lot of it is just an ear - tonight I think it was the frustration and tone he came with his problems which sent me the wrong way, we all snap at points I suppose.
Im off to bed, probably try to fix my outburst with a hug and hope tomorrow brings an easier day for us both.

I'm shocked that a previous poster has suggested the husband hides his mental health issues from the GP to keep his gun licence. He absolutely shouldn't have guns while his mood is so low and strongly suggestive of depression.
Any suspension of his licence would likely be temporary as long as he showed he was open, honest, transparent and his symptoms resolved either through talking therapies, medication or both.
There is a chance that someone else is concerned about his presentation and may 'tip off' the authorities which could result in a ban from keeping guns for a very long time as he hasn't been open and honest.

People are looking for practical ways to reassure him it’s ok to ask for help. Better he seeks help than not.

@ATerrorofLeftovers I get that but in my line of work if I was aware of a depressed man with shotguns and children in the home I'd be duty bound to report to the police. The fact he is refusing to access support increases the risk significantly. Encouraging by the back door help as a PP has is not a wise decision and a private psychotherapist would have the same duties to report as a GP.

Absolutely, they would have the same duty to report if they knew about it, subject to their assessment of his mental state

The fact is, this is what’s putting him off accessing help.

I’m not dismissing your concerns, btw, they’re valid. Just acknowledging the catch 22, which, while well meant, and in place for good reason, is acting as a barrier to him seeking help.

I understand your rationale which is ultimately why there is a reluctance to ever seek help for mental health issues in rural communities because the vast majority of farmers own shotguns and firearms.
He isn’t a risk to our children though, he’s an incredibly responsible and diligent shotgun owner and nothing about his mental state has ever made me question that. If I was genuinely concerned about him owning guns I would of course contact the firearms department myself.
They are one solace from the pressures his has at home - a jolly day out with his mates shooting some clays away from the place, that’s it.

Are your children interested in carrying on the farm? Is this the sort of life you’d want for them?

With firearms licenses are you are allowed to borrow someone else's gun for the day? Could he seek help and if they don't want him to keep them, give them to one of the friends he shoots with?

Guns, depression = recipe for disaster

Fellow FW here and although I can’t offer much in the way of advice, I just wanted to check in to offer solidarity. I recognise so many of the points in your post.
The key issue for us is more around the need to diversify and shake off the feeling of failure if he can’t keep making a success of doing the same thing that was being done a couple of generations ago. I have limited sympathy with my DH there tbh, what other business doesn’t have to adapt to survive? If I’m completely honest I find that side of it a bit ridiculous and refuse for my teenage son to be saddled with outdated and unprofitable work practices to make sure my husband doesn’t have to be the one to make changes.
I find myself regularly reminding DH that his loyalties sit with the living!
In your case it sounds as though the relationship with FIL is a big issue, which must be really tricky to navigate. There certainly seems to be some ‘characters’ in the farming community!!

The first thing I would do is apply for a shotgun license myself, once approved your dh can seek professional mental health help and the guns won't be removed as you can be the registered keeper and safe keyholder. It'll be a bit of a pita as you'll have to accompany him on shoots, but at least he won't loose the license. (My dh and ds shoot; during the season its sleep, eat, shoot).
Get a consultant in. Farming has been flipped on its arse, and subsidiaries can be tapped into based on environmental credentials. Tree planting in hedgerows is one good one to bring in subsidies. Talk to your local ag college to see if you can bring in an apprentice, which would be obviously subsidised, and being in a fresh pair of eye and keen pair of hands. Possibly look at diversification, a good consultant will look at what you do have and how to optimise it - converting unused garden space to glamping sites, setting up a CC 5 Van site on another field etc. I have a couple of friends who have not been able to sell their grain, and despite the press shouting about food shortages, they aren't even bothering to grow this year because of the low prices.
Farming is tough op, you shouted because depression is contagious, but with help you'll get through it.

I would have thought the business was going down the pan from what I hear about farming and the present fertiliser prices, feed prices, fuel prices.
He must change I would think.

FiL seems to be the major problem - is he approachable with the aim of getting him to step back so he stops fucking it up for your DH? Would MIL be an ally?

I don't know where you are living, but round here we have a voluntary organisation called We Are Farming Minds (https://www.wearefarmingminds.co.uk/)

I don't know whether you might be able to find something similar in your area. NFU might know.

I know how very hard it is living with a depressed OH and send good wishes and hope you can find a way for things to improve.

This sounds so hard.

What shouts at me, and is easier to say than do, is that:

1. FIL is a problem and needs to be stood up to;
2. Your DH needs therapy and meds for depression.

Absolute this. I was married to a farmers son and he fled the farm rather than get caught up in it all his life. The depression and guns are a very dangerous combination though! When I was going through my divorce my ex H’s behaviour was so alarming the police removed his weapons.

I can relate to your situation completely - different industry, but same themes of not being able to easily just change careers, and surrounded by other men with similar mental health issues so it seems “normal” to them. I know the feeling of being pulled down, I know the exasperation, the feeling of wasting the best years of your life. It can really all start to feel like too much, and it sounds like you are on the edge of a breakdown yourself if something doesn’t change. Have you considered counseling for yourself? When I couldn’t get my partner to seek help, I got help for myself as I felt that I would just absolutely lose my shit if something didn’t change. Even though I never suffered from depression myself, I had started to feel the downward pull and counseling has been a life saver to keep my own sanity. And my therapist has helped me with new ways to approach him to try to seek help for himself. Ultimately, he’s now getting help (despite immense stigma in his industry) and I credit that largely to my own therapist.

It’s really hard what your husband is going through, but it’s also really bloody hard what you’re going through too. I sympathise with you.

I feel sorry for anyone in farming tbh. You would think since Brexit that as a country there should be lots of support for farmers, but it doesn't seem like it.
I agree with PP that FIL is the biggest problem and also that advice about diversifying might be helpful.
We have friends who turned over a whole field to cabins. They are in an area of natural beauty and historical interest. They had to get a loan and planning permission, but they are constantly fully booked and it has all turned out very well.
That might not be an option for you, but something needs to change.
I have personal experience of gun licences and mental health problems. Luckily the individual was sectioned and hospitalised (for a year) before anything serious happened. He lost his licence. It needs to be taken seriously.

Thanks, I have my own firearms already, we shoot quite often together as I have working dogs in the season.

Our issue is a bit bigger than apprentices - we’re in big veg country so last year due to the brexit issue we had literally hundreds of acres of veg sat in the ground rotting because there is a shortage of seasonal labour, it’s a huge farm acreage wise and so during the picking season it’s labour intensive, the cereal side is more straightforward. We do have an agent and a farm consultant, we’re in incentives but they don’t really counter the issues we feel due to the size of the farm. We’ve diversified somewhat into seasonal stuff - pumpkins and PYO but honestly we’re just not in the right part of the country for mass tourism. It’s lovely and quiet and I think it’s beautiful but it’s not the Peak District - it’s a very flat arable part of the country so our options are limited.

We had a big chat last night, the crux of it is his father who ultimately has too much control over the job considering the industry has shifted so quickly in the last 20 years, it’s just frustrating and constant.

The other issue which I’ve already stated is just the volatility of the markets in agriculture which make it seem so up and down, the grain traders applying deductions as it suits them and there being no regulation to stop them. We had wheat spun up for high moisture last week which is just lies considering we harvested into a 2 year old grain store at 12% moisture last years harvest due to it being so dry.

we have a meeting next week with the land agent, agronomist and our agribusiness consultant and we have agreed we need to try and steer things to a written plan for all aspects of the farm for the next 12months.

Ultimately he needs to feel supported by all of the professionals we have on the farm to make sure we push forward together and take FIL with us.

If he's prone to mood swings and despair perhaps he shouldn't have access to a firearm?

he has a shotgun licence and his solace is the odd day clay shooting with his friends, apparently seeking mental health support means his guns would be taken and so that is not an option.

You don't need a licence to shoot clays, he can borrow a friend's gun for that.

If he is currently so volatile you should report him to whatever the fuck authority issues gun licences and get his revoked. You have 3 children in your beautifully isolated farmhouse. They might not find you for days once he finally tips over the edge. There is no way in hell I would accept his MH being untreated (medication or therapy) and having guns in the house.

My ex was depressed for years and did nothing about it. He was also an abusive arse hole and both my kids and I deserved better. I thought my ex was a risk to us and he didn't have giluns in the house.

OP, you have my sympathies. Yes, its perhaps nto his fault he is miserable, but equally it's not yours. And living with someone like this is SO draining. My DH goes through periods where he is similar. Hates his life, has no luck, everything goes wrong for him. Except it doesn't and we have so much privilege compared to so many. Luckily those moods are peridodical and don't last.

I think you should encourage some private therapy for him. Or give him an out - say you can give up the farm and do something else if it's what he wants (bet he won't). I couldn't live the rest of my life like that.

I don't know what the answer is but we live rurally and had a farmer locally disappear for a couple of days and found hanged in the forest. Two young children and a happy marriage. Tread carefully. From my experience male farmers seem to carry the world on their shoulders and don't share, don't seek help. They just try to manage it u til it becomes completely unmanageable. I wish you all the very best.

YABU. Depression and suicide among farmers is a higher risk than the general population apparently.
He needs help and support. The NFU have wellbeing support if you look for it. Support from other farmers who know what he's going through is essential.

I was so moved by your post, OP. I know absolutely nothing about farming or country life, but it's clear how much you love DH, your family and the farm. I hope things work out well for you all.

Completely off topic, but would you ever consider writing as a side hustle? You have such a wonderful way with words!