18 ur old and rent

[Freshstarts23]

I know there’s a similar thread going but my situation is quite different.

My dd is 18 in a few months. Left school after GCSE’s, no college or uni. Went straight into full time work. She works very hard and earns decent money for her age. Usually clears about £1800 now, and has been in the £1400 region since 16. Doesn’t have anything to pay out.

She doesn’t spend a great deal of time at home, mainly due to working so much (more than 40 hours usually) and different shifts. When not at work, she sees friends. She sleeps at home on average 5/6 nights a week. This used to be a lot less. She obviously showers and everything here but doesn’t eat here often. She eats at work or sorts herself out.

I haven’t really provided much for her since she left school as she’s always had a decent sum of money to but her own clothes etc. she also smokes weed which I obviously didn’t want to fund.

Anyway, now she’s soon to be turning 18 I think it’s fair she starts contributing. I’m a single parent with another child, I work. Moneys tight but I manage fine.

She also hasn’t saved anything which is a shame. I’d like to ask her from some money every month and save some secretly for her too but I don’t know how much is reasonable to ask for. She’s spoke about wanting to move out but we live in a high cost area so it’ll be virtually impossible for her.

Sounds similar to me. I was working at 15 and at 18 my dad asked me to pay rent so I moved out.

I would be so thrilled if my daughter lived with me at 18 and beyond. I would not ask for rent. She's not saving as she's a pothead but that's her choice. It only happens to be illegal here, in most of the US now it's like having a glass of wine.

Sounds like she works hard and then relaxes in her own way. I would also expect she would take you out for dinner etc.

That sounds like such a beautiful life with your child and spending quality time.

I think if I asked her for much more than £200 she would say she’s not here enough to justify that

Heres the justification: your house, your fucking rules. If she doesn’t like it, she can move out.

You sound scared of her OP, and she sounds like a right entitled little madam. You tell her how much she pays if she wants to continue living in your house, you don’t tiptoe around her asking if it’s ok.

You’re not doing her any favours by not taking any money off her. In fact you’re setting her up to fail.

At the very minimum charge her her share for bills (not inc mortgage if you have one) such as utilities, food, internet and council tax.

Why should she live in the house for free while others have to pay? I’m taking a stab in the dark that you don’t have £1800 a month spending money?

if she doesn’t like it she can move out. She will quickly see that the grass isn’t always greener. And tbh better she learns this lesson at 18 than 25.

You tell her how much she pays if she wants to continue living in your house,
you don’t tiptoe around her asking
if it’s ok.

this.

sorry OP but you need to toughen up.

Sit down with her and tell her she needs to save some money so she has a cushion if she moves out. Take £250 as direct debit and put it into a Stock ISA in an index fund VWRA. Tell her its hers and in her name but she should not withdraw till the time she is at home.

I'm 34, back living with my mum with 18 month old DD. My mum has never and will never charge me rent as she's always said it's my home and she'd never charge me for living there.
She wants me to save as much as I can for a deposit so I can buy a house for me and DD.
Unfortunately, I can't save much just now as I left my abusive husband a few months ago and, until I can get out of the joint tenancy, I'm stuck paying rent for a property I'm not living in!
Once I am 'free' financially, I'll be putting the majority of my wages into saving for a house (at least £1000 a month, currently able to save £100-£500 at the moment).

Do you do fuck all around the house too? Would you not want to contribute as a grown woman, if your mum was struggling financially?

You and her have 4 options...

1.You charge her rent and keep it to contribute to household bills if you need the money. She is an adult who is earning working full time so needs to contribute to the household. Sit down and discuss household finances with her, then ask her what she thinks would be an appropriate amount for her to contribute, then you tell her how much you would expect and if it doesn't match, you meet in the middle.

1. You charge ger rent but save it for her if you can afford to do so (so you can build her a little nest egg with the view of her moving out and being independent at some point in the future) I'd say this only works if you are open about saving it though- don't treat her like a child and secretly save it, but be open that she is paying 'rent' for her future deposit/safety net. You could even have her paying it direct into one of those accounts that you can't access until a certain age (say 21) then go from there.
2. (My personal favourite option and similar to what my parents did with me - which I am eternally grateful for as I was able to put a very nice deposit down on a house at age 25). You tell her if she wants to continue living rent free at your home that's great, but she needs to set up a savings account of X amount a month as well as continuing to pay for her own food, clothes etc, so she can learn how to budget and not waste all of her disposable income. If she has no experience of saving/budgeting, you offer to help guide her. If she disagrees, you show her exactly how much it would cost her to live independently and stay firm that its either this or she goes it alone and I'm sure she will very quickly agree.
3. You continue as you are and teach her nothing in the long run and she never learns how to budget as an adult and she probably won't want to leave home cos she's got it nice and cushty or when she does eventually leave she will always struggle with budgeting.

@Naunet My mum's not struggling financially (far from it actually!) No mortgage as my dad bought a plot of land and built the house 33 years ago.
I offered to pay my way in terms of board and bills etc, but she doesn't want me to as she wants me to get out of this mess with my abusive ex and to start making a life for myself again by saving for my own place. I would do the same for my DD as well when she's grown up.
No, I don't do fuck all around the house thank you very much. I help my mum out when I can after working full time and looking after DD. I don't expect anything from my mum but she automatically does things like making tea for us both when I'm home from work and even doing my ironing even if I've said I'll do it when DD is down for the night.

@Spacemoon option 3 is definitely my favourite as well and seems to be the option my mum is using with me now I'm back home.

Totally different to OP then.

@Naunet I was just sharing my experience of what I'm doing while living with my mum. OP said money was tight but she manages fine so, yes, different circumstances, but just wanted to share.

Absoloutely. It worked really well with me and I've been an avid saver ever since as a result. I first moved out at 21 after 3 years of saving, but unfortunately had to move back home temporarily at 23 due to DV relationship and they did the same again, didn't charge me a penny, but insisted I saved (not that they had to encourage me to do so by this point!) and as a result I was back out their hair again within a year. If they'd have charged me rent, it would've taken me a lot longer to move out!

I think parents often get to bogged down with charging their kids rent, that they don't realise it's the saving skills that are the important bit! If they are paying the parents rent, there's far less chance they will be saving to move out/be independent. Obviously, not all parents are fortunate enough to be able to afford to let their kids not contribute to household bills, but if its a possibility, then I think it's definitely the best option for all involved!

So things are a bit tight for you. Especially as you lost cb.

But she has 1800 disposable income a month? That's a lot of money...

She hardly eats at home. You mean she eats out? Pret sandwiches? Takeaway? But you have to be careful...

The imbalance here is awful. I would hope that if you point this out to her she'd apologise and agree an amount. (Between 200 and 400 imo)

Give her 2 weeks to find an alternative. Tell her you're replacing her with a lodger. Do it.

Stop letting her treat you like shit. You're not doing her any favours in the long run.

doesn’t really matter if she eats there, generally rent doesn’t include food. She still benefited from a nice warm house, water etc all the benefits that come with renting/ owning a house and she’s getting to pay nothing. Will she stay forever? She’s going to get a shock when she moves out and the majority it’s take with bills. I’d have charged from 16.

It’s not controlling to teach your kids that life is not a free ride. It costs to live and if they are old enough to work etc then they are able to contribute. And save lively as my son has 250 in rent to me and the rest is his minus some for his car. Not sure if he has saved or not but that’s his choice I guess. I feed my other kids so he gets fed too but doesn’t moan as he knows how expensive things are.

A holiday at £150 a month and sod all contributed to house

What do you suggest? I change the locks and leave her on the streets? Get her arrested when she repeatedly tries to get in as she has nowhere to go?

What do you suggest? I change the locks and leave her on the streets? Get her arrested when she repeatedly tries to get in as she has nowhere to go?

Why would that happen? She has enough money for a house share or to lodge.

She could get her own flat depending on the area.

Give her a time limit. Two weeks. Or end of July.

She wouldn’t have enough for a deposit and may struggle to find somewhere that would accept her with her age

And ultimately if she just doesn’t, then it takes me back to the above scenario. I can say she has 2 weeks or a month. The chances of her listening are slim.

Well what are you hoping for then? You raised her, you’re the parent and it’s YOUR house. If you refuse to accept any power in this situation, how do you think things will change? That she’ll just one day realise she’s being a brat and offer you rent?

What do you suggest?

I would only make up for what you are losing by her living in your house (e.g. council tax and perhaps a bit of money for food). I personally wouldn't want to make money out of my own children so I wouldn't charge more than that. I think I would be concentrating on getting her to save at the moment as that's going to hold it back in the future. I currently have an adult DC in my house and I don't charge rent as I want her to keep the money for university.