18 ur old and rent

[Freshstarts23]

I know there’s a similar thread going but my situation is quite different.

My dd is 18 in a few months. Left school after GCSE’s, no college or uni. Went straight into full time work. She works very hard and earns decent money for her age. Usually clears about £1800 now, and has been in the £1400 region since 16. Doesn’t have anything to pay out.

She doesn’t spend a great deal of time at home, mainly due to working so much (more than 40 hours usually) and different shifts. When not at work, she sees friends. She sleeps at home on average 5/6 nights a week. This used to be a lot less. She obviously showers and everything here but doesn’t eat here often. She eats at work or sorts herself out.

I haven’t really provided much for her since she left school as she’s always had a decent sum of money to but her own clothes etc. she also smokes weed which I obviously didn’t want to fund.

Anyway, now she’s soon to be turning 18 I think it’s fair she starts contributing. I’m a single parent with another child, I work. Moneys tight but I manage fine.

She also hasn’t saved anything which is a shame. I’d like to ask her from some money every month and save some secretly for her too but I don’t know how much is reasonable to ask for. She’s spoke about wanting to move out but we live in a high cost area so it’ll be virtually impossible for her.

She can pay her share of the utility bills, which I say should be an even split between all the working adults unless there's a significant disparity in income. Similar for groceries, although if she's truly buying all her own food then you might want to adjust - but you've still got stuff like cleaning products and loo roll.

And she can pay the cost of any "non-dependent deduction" in council tax relief and HB/UC you might be getting. (The rules are different for the different benefits).

Realistically I think there are three likely outcomes now.

1. She thinks about it, digests it and comes round to your way of thinking. This is more likely than you might expect. She's had an initial shock, the idea (to her) of a child paying a parent money is ludicrous and offensive. Let her think about it for a few days, look into the alternative of moving out and allow her time to weigh her options.
2. She decides to move out. If so, even if it's putting her in a less than ideal houseshare in a bad area, I think you have to accept this and allow her to make that mistake (if it turns out to be one) and face the consequences. You have the right to be concerned but not the right to stand in her way given that you've told her she will have to move out if she won't pay you.
3. She buries her head in the sand, won't contribute and doesn't move out. In this case you could try reasoning with her again - make it clear that you need the money rather than are trying to make some bullshit point about her being 18 so has to contribute. Present facts and figures to back your position up which will hopefully lessen the emotional impact on her.

Understanding that her immediate reaction is an emotional one. It's not nice to find out that the person who has supported you your whole life now expects you to pay them. It's not nice to face the reality that a lot of your income goes on essentials like rent or basic food or council tax.

It sounds like she quickly adapted to the reality of having to get a job after leaving school (a lot of people struggle with that idea). She now faces the reality of having to pay her way in life, and it's a shock. I'm not surprised that the initial reaction was bad. Let her think on it.

All adults have to pay for somewhere to live. Our adult DD was paying us £50 per week but we've just put it up to £70 as it's only fair she takes the brunt of the cost of living rise too. She earns good money, and she's saving, and she is also at home for only 5 or 6 nights a week. She pays for and cooks her own food too as she's vegetarian, but she recognises she's on a good deal - it would cost her a lot more to rent somewhere else.

If 18+, working and not in education, mine pay 25% of salary as "rent". This goes into a savings account and is there in case they need it later - perhaps a new job requires a car or train season ticket, deposit on a flat etc. I do not see it as my money - it is theirs. I can imagine if a household was squeezed for money that I would use some of it to pay for food & bills.

They also pay for occasional food shops - if we are out of bread and milk I expect that they will take the initiative and buy it on the way home or similar. Same for our chores of cooking, cleaning, gardening etc. I should not need at 18 to say much / boss them around.

They also contribute to anything above 'just living' - so holidays they contribute to, if they use my car for a big journey they put more fuel in than they use etc.

While it seems harsh I do believe that they are learning and developing through this. They are learning the true value of money, of how to be generous and work together to make a happier household. One is now back permanently and has a new full time job - and still recognises it is cheaper than his aim of buying his own place in the next couple of years.

I know both of mine at college and uni have been giving cooking lessons to flat mates, have really surprised others with the fact they can be thoughtful, and are not scared of some cleaning or a vacuum. Both are also now active savers and looking to buy their own place at some point in the future - they are 20 and 21.

I don’t think it was a shock as I’ve raised the subject before. Initially I wanted to start charging her when she left school as I list so much in UC and Child benefit and she was earning well and spending a fortune on weed and Ubers.
she has been paying off a holiday but I warned her a while back that when that was done and she was 18 she would have st start contributing.

Her response today “you shouldn’t have had children then”. The entitlement is staggering.

Her take home pay is more than mine.

I'm flabbergasted. How dare she?

Just remind her she is not a child and is therefore not being treated as one! She had 18 years to be treated as a child - and benefitted from it.
I would stand firm - she has two options a) fit in to your household rules and way of doing things or 2) move out and create her own household.

I should add, she has never helped out with any household chores whatsoever. Won’t even go to the shop for me (3 min walk)

Why do they have to put in more fuel than they use? Missing the point entirely I know but that seems unfair, use car pay for fuel sure, but filling up when only using a quarter of a tank for example seems unfair

I actually think moving out would do her tbe world of good but would be a massive shock too. I just can’t see how she could afford it. I’ll tell her to look into it though.

I think if I asked her for much more than £200 she would say she’s not here enough to justify that

Do you have a rough idea of how much it costs to run the house - heating, lighting, insurance, council tax, toilet paper, broadband/wifi, washing up liquid etc etc? You could divide that by 3, or 4 if you're being generous and she's out a lot, although a lot of costs are incurred whether or not she's in her own bed at night. Show show her how much you are costing her, whether or not she's in the house 7 days a week or less than that.

If she was saving for a house, not smoking weed and being respectful, I’d be on the side of not charging or charging very little as she’s not at home much.

However, her attitude is disgusting, she rude to you and sounds like a brat so I would charge her at least £400. Save half for her and use it for a rental deposit. Don’t put up with being treated like shit by her. She needs to grow up.

Missing the point entirely I know but that seems unfair, use car pay for fuel sure, but filling up when only using a quarter of a tank for example seems unfair.

They do not always fill up - just put in a bit more. Fuel is only a small proportion of what it costs to have them insured on the car, maintain it, depreciation etc. It is one of our biggest outgoings - and again they need to know that use = cost.
This is on longer journeys and trips - so one borrowed it and did 500 miles one weekend, another is taking it on holiday when I go off on my bike tour holiday etc.

Have you shown her your bills? Seeing how much everything costs in black and white might help. Explain she's now an adult,not a child and as an adult she needs to contribute to her household. This is what it costs to keep the house going.

Also you mentioned being worried about losing the income when she does move out. What about charging her £450pcm, putting £150 in your bills account or however much you need. Secretly putting away £100 for her savings for when she does eventually move out, and £200 in a regular savings account for you, that you don't touch, put out of your mind as not existing to build yourself a rainy day fund.

u should have charged from 16 ... but doesn't stop uou charging now anyway..

cost of council tax and 3rd utilities..minimum also the impact on UC .... she us now financially seen as an afult so time to adjust

if she doesn't like it she can find somewhere else....

just working doesn't make her grow up if shes not thinking about adult responsibilities...

if she ends up in a crappy house share or doesn't save for something better then thats up to her....she may not realise how good shes got it!

You can't build yourself a rainy day fund from someone else's earned money that's gross. Adults should absolutely contribute to household costs but their wages should not be used to prop up your own personal savings

Why are you allowing another adult to completely dictate what you do in YOUR home?

If you're that much of a pushover, just let me have your address and I'll happily move in and gladly pay you £400 a month.

At the very least, I'd be courteous, respectful and helpful towards you.

Time to stop letting her treat you as a doormat. Good luck.

Time to get tough I think.

Contribute or move out. She'll soon realise which is the better deal.

But she has no savings or rainy day fund of her own as she's been paying all the bills solo, and has venn 400pcm worse off since her daughter started employed but not contributing. A rainy day fund would benefit the whole house meaning if the washing machine breaks there's means of fixing it/replacing it, at the moment this is a household with no savings where the bills are tight every month but one member of the family is frittered their whole income and using all the facilities with no contributing. If DD was saving in a LISA or something for a house deposit that's different but a buffer savings account allows for unexpected household expenses, bit also means OP doesn't get used to their being extra income before her DD does move out.

Comment above was in response to @YeahIsaidit as for some reason it didn't do the quote thing

That's just how it goes sometimes, it's unfortunate but not all of us have savings and then expect the kids to build them up with money they earned. It isn't DDs fault OP has no savings and it isn't her responsibility to build them up either. I'm saying this as a skint single parent myself, I'm not gonna take my DSs earned money to create a nice little nest egg for myself when he starts earning full time, it's not mine

Absolutely charge her rent, even if you put it away and save it for her. It's a life lesson after all.

This. I'd tell her she's got a week to think about it and if she isn't going to contribute as requested she can move out.

Then change the locks if you have to.

Blimey. I’d tell her you are charging £200 from July and if she can’t pay then she needs to move out.
hopefully she will look into it then realise how amazing a deal this is. It sounds like she needs to grow up tbh

Considering her income, living rent free without commitments isn't actually a good way to teach her about money management. She has a huge disposable income and if she wants to have her own place she will need money management and budgeting skills pronto.

I'd ask for something like 75-100 week to include food or 50-70 week if she isn't eating family food/meals. She is earning a very decent wage and is blowing far more than this with nothing to show for it. If you want to/can maybe keep a bit aside without telling her and get her a nice voucher when she moves out to help cover all those bits and bobs you need to buy for your first place.

It's time to help her show how responsible she can be!