To ask you how I should respond to this parent?

[RadoxRita]

So there is a parent of one of my children’s good friends, who we also see a lot of through their dance class. We get on ok, but I certainly wouldn’t say we were ‘close’. The issue I have with her, is that in recent months, she has taken to constantly correcting my children (including when I am present), and interfering with my parenting.

A classic example of this occurred this morning… I was chatting to my DD (9yo) about something, and as my DD turned to walk away, the other mum who was standing close by pipes in with “THANK YOU MUM” to my DD. DD looked very awkward in front of everyone watching, then thanked me. My DD didn’t need to do this - the context didn’t call for it. Other mum then looks at me and says “they need to learn”. I didn’t know what to say so said nothing.

Another example occurred last week… my younger DD (6yo) was sat out of a dance and walked over to me. I bent down and explained to her she can stay with me if she would like to, but that she should probably go and sit the other side of the hall, just in case she was needed. As I was talking to her though, the other mum storms over, turns my DD to face her, and explains to her very loudly exactly what I had just been saying (except the part that she could stay with me if she wants to). DD obediently goes back over the other side and other mum looks at me as if to say “you’re welcome!”

She’s like this ALL the time. I find it so infuriating and am not sure how to respond. She always has this arrogance about her as if to imply she’s a better parent than me/my children need more discipline, but I don’t really know why she feels the need to undermine me all the time? FWIW, my older DD actually offers a lot of support to her eldest, who struggles a lot with school, clubs, and their general confidence, so she must see some strengths in her! - she’s been extremely keen to get them in the same class for this very reason. I certainly don’t want to fall out with her for the sake of my DD’s friendships with hers, but I feel I need to say something. Any ideas MN??

"Step off!" or "Butt out!" or a stern, "Stop interfering!"

There is no need for her to start bossing your children around.

You can either be a limp lettuce and let her take over or you can tell her straight.

If she doesn't like it then that's her problem not yours.

Sorry, I wasn't calling you a limp lettuce. I meant that's the impression she and others will have of you if you do not pull her up on this.

I'd be as rude as she is, frankly.

Get off my child. Go away. No one asked for your help.

Bloody hell, she sounds insufferable OP! Next time she does it, I’d say (calmly but firmly, and looking her in the eye) “it’s OK, I can handle this on my own”. Hopefully that’ll be enough to get the message through. If she then keeps doing it, you need to tell her that it’s not helpful, it undermines your authority as their parent, and that she needs to stop interfering.

She thinks you're an ineffective, drippy parent. I don't know whether you are or not, but you are certainly drippy when dealing and responding to your friend so maybe you are. But, obviously, that's none of her business and you just need to tell her that, hopefully only ended once.

May I suggest you work out a few phrases to say to her when she does this, rehearse them as well, so that you're ready to interrupt her. Practise the thought of looking her in the eyes as you say it to
For example
Mind your own business
When I want your help, I'll ask
How dare you speak to my DD like that
Fuck off (only if there's no one else around, or you know everyone very well)

Does she do this with other people or just you ?
She sounds a nasty piece of work

I would be as rude back to her as I could think of at the time, preferably on a really condescending, and loud tone.

It's not your place to parent my children
Interfering again?
Stop undermining me.
If I wanted your opinion I'd ask for it.
Mind your own business.
Can't you find a hobby?
BACK OFF.
You need to stand up for your children and shut this shit down, she's being really controlling and trying to establish a pecking order, she's undermining you and implying that you're not parenting "properly" and that she has to step in to help you. She will come back with "I was only trying to..." or "You're welcome" or "You're so rude" because she's argumentative and controlling, and when she does, you just give her a withering stare and tell her to grow up. Also don't let your children do what she says. For example after the "thank you" you could have said loudly "No need to thank me DD" and shoot a look at this woman. You want to avoid teaching them to roll over in the face of people like this which sets them up for bad patterns later in life.

I wouldn't say anything just after her crap behaviour. I'd get her alone in a calm situation and tell her you don't want, need or appreciate her interference in parenting your DC. Be calm and unapologetic.

See I see it differently. I think she’s really insecure & perhaps feels threatened by you so is trying to take you down a peg or two. Maybe if her eldest is struggling she feels a bit crap. Not saying it’s ok though, it’s bloody annoying!

You stand up and say Mary it's ok, I have this. Move your daughter from her, take a step away and go back to what you're saying. Or you stop DD from obediently walking over and reaffirm she can stay with you. If you want you can say Thanks Mary, but I need to do it my way afterwards.

This morning you say, "there's no need" to dd. When she says they need to learn you can say, sure she's grand, we can't all be perfect all the time. Or whatever you think.

You need to be vigilant. As soon as she’s around/approaching be ready to hold out a hand - like a stop sign - and say “it’s ok that’s not necessary” or “there’s no need for your input, thanks anyway”. If you want to keep it mildly civil.

Interrupt her, put your body between her and your DD etc, stop hand out.

She sounds fucking bizarre.

Run through whichever phrase feels assertive and natural.

This is a private conversation

I am handling this

Please do not interfere

Leave me to it thank you

What on earth are you playing at! I'm her parent not you! Go away!

Maintain eye contact, keep your voice low and firm with some authority behind it, if it helps, pretend to be someone who is slightly scary in real life.

“Leave it to me thanks” is a good one. Firmly said.

I would say firmly and pleasantly “I’ll handle this thanks”, “No need to get involved”. If you want to be more aggressive, “I don’t need you to correct my child thanks”. Eye contact, cool professional tone, smile. Repeat as many times as you need, as assertively as you need. You can sharpen the tone and lose the smile if you need to escalate. Don’t swear at her or call her a fucking bitch etc as some pps have suggested, you’ll look like an idiot. Just have the confidence that you’ll be obeyed. She is B extremely U and you have the high ground.

God everyone’s so polite on here.

Id have told her to fuck off. Loudly. In front of everyone.

I'd be more direct with her. I'd tell her something like..

"I don't know if you realize that you are doing this or not but you keep correcting my kids behaviour and it annoys me. Can you please stop"

Keep it short and don't be tempted to get in a conversation with her. If she starts to defend herself or argue with you about it just repeat that you would like her to stop.

I understand you want to keep the situation from getting awkward as you have to see her, so personally I wouldn't tell her to F Off! the very next time I'd cut her off with a very curt and assertive 'Thank you, I'm dealing with this'

The next time: "it's okay, I'm managing this"

The next time "I'll manage my own child, thank you"

The next time "this is getting ridiculous. You don't get to take over when I'm managing my own child. Please leave us alone"

Obviously you might have to go from first to last within a minute if she doesn't back down.

"It takes a village to raise a child"

the saying goes. She likely thinks she is bring helpful and useful.

No need to assume malice or be rude. Just, "Its OK, I'll handle this". Or, afterwards "I know you mean well but I'd prefer you didn't do that"

'We neither asked for your opinion nor respect it. Please deal with your own children and I will deal with mine.'

It infuriates me when other people have tried to admonish my kids. Mind your bloody business.

afraid i'm in the camp of i would have been rather blunt.

I don't need you to step in thanks, i was handling it. kindly mind your own business and don't speak to my child again.

In the second instance i think i'd have said

What on earth do you think you're playing at? I don't know who the hell you think you are, but get your hands off my child and do not EVER touch her again.

Fuck off should cover it.

Obviously mouth it if the kids are in earshot.

Is it normal for a parent to stay at a class with a nine year old child? It wasn't done when mine was a child so have never had your experience, op - and would not like it!

in recent months, she has taken to constantly correcting my children (including when I am present)

Why on Earth have you been letting her "constantly" do this? It should have been nipped in the bud long before now.

Personally I'd take her aside next time you see her and tell her you've noticed it's becoming a habit and you want it to stop. Hopefully it's just a case of her thinking you are a wet lettuce / taking advantage of this and a private chat will stop her behaviour. If she does it again in public after you've spoken to her in private then I'd give her both barrels.

You don't even really need to speak to her on private, you don't owe her anything. But you do owe your children your support. Next time it happens a curt "I'll deal with this" should suffice and continue with this until she gets the message.