To ask you how I should respond to this parent?

[RadoxRita]

So there is a parent of one of my children’s good friends, who we also see a lot of through their dance class. We get on ok, but I certainly wouldn’t say we were ‘close’. The issue I have with her, is that in recent months, she has taken to constantly correcting my children (including when I am present), and interfering with my parenting.

A classic example of this occurred this morning… I was chatting to my DD (9yo) about something, and as my DD turned to walk away, the other mum who was standing close by pipes in with “THANK YOU MUM” to my DD. DD looked very awkward in front of everyone watching, then thanked me. My DD didn’t need to do this - the context didn’t call for it. Other mum then looks at me and says “they need to learn”. I didn’t know what to say so said nothing.

Another example occurred last week… my younger DD (6yo) was sat out of a dance and walked over to me. I bent down and explained to her she can stay with me if she would like to, but that she should probably go and sit the other side of the hall, just in case she was needed. As I was talking to her though, the other mum storms over, turns my DD to face her, and explains to her very loudly exactly what I had just been saying (except the part that she could stay with me if she wants to). DD obediently goes back over the other side and other mum looks at me as if to say “you’re welcome!”

She’s like this ALL the time. I find it so infuriating and am not sure how to respond. She always has this arrogance about her as if to imply she’s a better parent than me/my children need more discipline, but I don’t really know why she feels the need to undermine me all the time? FWIW, my older DD actually offers a lot of support to her eldest, who struggles a lot with school, clubs, and their general confidence, so she must see some strengths in her! - she’s been extremely keen to get them in the same class for this very reason. I certainly don’t want to fall out with her for the sake of my DD’s friendships with hers, but I feel I need to say something. Any ideas MN??

Exactly. You don't need to say anything other than telling her you want her to stop

"This is MY child, yours is over there >>>!"

My sil is like this! She's so bossy, lacks empathy and thinks she's the only person capable of anything. I smile and nodd when we meet ( which is rarely thankfully!) But I couldn't be friends with someone like this. No self awareness at all! And an overactive God complex!!

I had this with one of my sons friends mums one, I actually heard her telling him off for something over Xbox one evening - it was something minor and he certainly didn’t need telling off for it. I think he didn’t want to play the game her son wanted to play if I remember correctly.

I saw her at school the next day and very calmly told her that if she has a concern about my child, she comes to me.

I would calmly turn to your “friend” next time she does this and tell her to never speak to your children like that again. If she had put her hands on my child’s face to turn it to her I would have told her to take her hands off my child immediately. You don’t have to shout, but you do have to be firm. “Fuck off” works well too.

Or teach your child to say, "Who died and made YOU my mother?"

(Joke)

I am non confrontational until it comes to my dc.

In the first example I would have asked her exactly what is she supposed to be saying thank you for, we were just having a, I thought private, conversation!

The second, I would have immediately pushed her hands off dd while saying take your hands off my dc! what on earth are you doing? Then whatever her answer tell her you are her mum and she is overstepping when it is obvious you are dealing with it

Followed by a high five with mum 👍🏼

Tbh if I thought a 9 yr old could accurately judge the next situation I'd have no problem with that in this context.

Thanks Brenda, I've got it

I'll deal with X

That's enough Brenda

"Don't worry dd, no need to thank me for that, I know you have lovely manners!"

"As I was just saying before Mrs busybody interrupted, you can do that or you can stay over here with me"

"Don't worry darling, you're not in trouble, Mrs Busybody just likes to organise people, you can do x, y, z instead if you like"

Let's your dd know you are in charge and busybody friend know that you give your dd permission to totally bloody ignore her.

This is perfect. It's easy to type all these insulting blunt comments but they're not practical. A simple, I've got this thank you and then a gentle follow up will be enough to put her in her place.

Everyone on here is far more feisty than I would ever be IRL.

IRL, OP, I'd give her a nonplussed look and say to my DD: "well, as I was saying ..." and get on with what I was saying.

If this weird woman continued to interfere, I'd probably say smile weakly at her and say to my DD "let's just move over there...", and then move somewhere else to carry on my conversation with her.

I think all my DC would have understood by this that she was an interfering busybody and possibly batshit, without me having a great kerfuffle with her.

Inwardly, I would be planning to murder her for touching my child, never mind interfering.

These are all good. Practice them and have them ready to use as appropriate. Calmly and politely but firmly

Add
I’ve got this covered, thank you

I didn’t need your input there, as it happens

You probably mean to be helpful but I find it much easier to manage Dd myself, if you don’t mind

I know they say it takes a village to raise a child but to be honest I find your input makes me feel undermined

It's not being polite. Some parents are actually rubbish. If my friends child was rude I'm not sure whether I could bite my tongue!

If you told me to fuck off for that I'd realise why your kids were so rude and move on. I'd be safe in the knowledge that everyone around me would judge your language around children aswell.

My sister used to try to make my GC say thank you, for things that they didn't need to. She was told quite honestly that they won't be saying thank you for that, because they are entitled to whatever it was. She's carrying on because you aren't speaking up.

I'm surprised at all these responses. Its hard to judge without being there, but I think it can be helpful when other adults back you up. I remember thanking an old lady on the bus when she asked my daughter to sit down on her seat after she kept getting up despite me telling her not to. My daughter listened to her. We had a whole, it takes a village conversation and she was friendly to my daughter. I have had friends prompt my children to thank me too, this was appreciated when I was a single parent and didn't have another adult to model this. I have always been the type who has been appreciative if a stranger steps in and isn't scared to interfere. However, if I don't agree with what they are instructing my child to do then I have no qualms about speaking up. Eg relatives telling my children they have to eat all their food or something I disagree with. 'thank you FIL, but she doesn't have to eat anymore if she has had enough' or 'thank you friend, but I told dd she could sit next to me if she wanted to'.

I think you're going to have to push yourself out of your comfort zone and stand up to her a bit, OP. The message you're giving your girls at the moment is that you'll allow others to overrule, override and bully you.

Next time she steps in, look her straight in the eye and say firmly 'This does not concern you. Please leave me to speak to my child'.

She's really overstepping. I can't believe she turned your DD away from you while you were speaking to her. It's incredibly bullish behaviour.

I also think it's only going to get worse until you go toe to toe with her.

If she can give it, she has to take it!

“I’m already dealing with this thanks” is form but clear enough I think.

you really need to try and stand your ground, hope it works 💛

also FWIW I had a similar situation with one of my DC and just explained that “different families have different rules” to DC… this seemed to work so my DC didn’t feel to upset by being told off by another mum for something that would be fine in our house!

*firm but clear enough

The great thing is she appears to be a no head, so you don’t have to worry about offending her.

Don’t wait for the next time, when you will probably get the flight/flight thing, next time you see her ‘Hi - while I have you I’ve been meaning to say, you’ve got into a very weird habit of aggressively interfering with my parenting and my kids, for example last Wednesday you.. Would you stop doing this please. If it happens again I’ll flag it up to you.

Practice it in the mirror and deploy it as soon as possible. Then it’s done.

Agree with this, it sounds like she’s interfering when there’s very little to handle. I’d practice say something like “If you’ve got something to say about my children’s behaviour when I’m around, please speak to me rather than them”.

You say

"Sheila, no need, I've got this"

@RadoxRita Why on earth don't you want to fall out with her for the sake of your children?

That's exactly what you should be doing. A short sharp "Please don't try and parent my children" next time she does it should do the trick.

Hit hard below the belt with

" Are you parenting my well behaved daughter in the hope it will rub off on your own? "
"Would you like me to improve your daughter;s social adjustment? "

the other mum storms over, turns my DD to face her, and explains to her very loudly exactly what I had just been saying (except the part that she could stay with me if she wants to).

How on earth did you let that pass?

Come on!!! Grow a back bone and stop allowing your children to be bullied and to watch you stand there saying nothing to defend them.what's wrong with you?