To ask you how I should respond to this parent?

[RadoxRita]

So there is a parent of one of my children’s good friends, who we also see a lot of through their dance class. We get on ok, but I certainly wouldn’t say we were ‘close’. The issue I have with her, is that in recent months, she has taken to constantly correcting my children (including when I am present), and interfering with my parenting.

A classic example of this occurred this morning… I was chatting to my DD (9yo) about something, and as my DD turned to walk away, the other mum who was standing close by pipes in with “THANK YOU MUM” to my DD. DD looked very awkward in front of everyone watching, then thanked me. My DD didn’t need to do this - the context didn’t call for it. Other mum then looks at me and says “they need to learn”. I didn’t know what to say so said nothing.

Another example occurred last week… my younger DD (6yo) was sat out of a dance and walked over to me. I bent down and explained to her she can stay with me if she would like to, but that she should probably go and sit the other side of the hall, just in case she was needed. As I was talking to her though, the other mum storms over, turns my DD to face her, and explains to her very loudly exactly what I had just been saying (except the part that she could stay with me if she wants to). DD obediently goes back over the other side and other mum looks at me as if to say “you’re welcome!”

She’s like this ALL the time. I find it so infuriating and am not sure how to respond. She always has this arrogance about her as if to imply she’s a better parent than me/my children need more discipline, but I don’t really know why she feels the need to undermine me all the time? FWIW, my older DD actually offers a lot of support to her eldest, who struggles a lot with school, clubs, and their general confidence, so she must see some strengths in her! - she’s been extremely keen to get them in the same class for this very reason. I certainly don’t want to fall out with her for the sake of my DD’s friendships with hers, but I feel I need to say something. Any ideas MN??

I wouldn't have had the chance to respond,my DD would've got there before me and told her to mind her own business.

'I've got this. I'll handle it.'

I would not do this in private and pull her away, I would let my kids know that I am the parent and it what I say that goes while telling her to keep her neb out.

What you do is step up and be your children's advocate, not stand by when a person who is no-one to them tries putting them down. You don't need to be all guns blazing about it, but you don't hover quietly.

Some of these responses are quite aggy.

I think I would say something like-

we have got this, thank you

i think it’s better if I speak to Dd, cheers though

we all have our own ways, thanks for the input. We are ok.

i would try "erm...Excuse me" in an assertive tone. Polite but makes it clear that you don't want her input. If she carries on say something like "you don't need to get involved, thank you". It's all about the tone rather the words.

I can't believe some people would actually shriek fuck off in a room full of mums and children. Very rough behaviour. Feel sorry for your children

She actually grabbed your child and turned her towards her? You let her do this? She would be picking up her teeth if She did that to my child!!

The problem with saying something like ‘I’m handling / managing this’ is it implies there is something to manage or handle!

I can see why this is really awkward for you, OP. I think it probably is best if you can ask her directly not to do that, it is a good idea to have some stock phrases as I’d be really taken aback as well.

Thanks so much for the support and words of advice and encouragement. I’m
reading them all and reflecting on your thoughts. Thank you

A very firm “If I wanted your input I’d ask for it. But I don’t so I won’t “

Honestly, why are you worried about offending her when she clearly doesn’t give a single fuck about offending you?

It's OK XXX Iv got this

I don’t think you should include anything like. “Thanks” or “Cheers though” in whatever you say; That would suggest there is some merit in what she is doing and possibly make her persist which is exactly what you don’t want.

I've had this and every time I corrected the person - so if she did the thank you thing I'd say "no she doesn't need to say thank you" "DD you don't need to say thank you, it's fine" etc every time until they got the point. It made them feel silly and then I would let the awkward silence hang until they got the point and backed off. I think whilst it might be satisfying to have a conversation where you say things like PPs have suggested, it's probably less awkward to just change the way you react to it when it happens.

The next time (all sweetness and like), I’m so sorry, I have a strict no swearing policy in front of my children. Now, how can I put this politely…. oh yes, please butt out and never speak to me again!

I'd start by positioning myself as the furthest point from her every week so it isn't so easy for her to hear your conversations and come over. As soon as you see her coming over intercept. Step between her and DD and turn your back. If she starts on, interrupt or talk over her and tell her you are fine then ignore. If she persists I'd tell her honestly that you find her rude and to mind her own business. I wouldn't bother to be polite, she clearly isn't. Treat her as she treats you and your DD!

Sounds really annoying and I wouldn't let her be pulling the children around to talk to them. To keep things civil I would probably say things like-
Thanks but I've got this
I'm alright, I don't need help
It's alright thank you, I am talking to her/dealing with this
Oh thanks but thats really not needed
I would rather you didn't jump in while I'm talking to her thanks
Thank you but I prefer to handle this on my own

But I would like to tell her to piss off and stop interfering

Just sound exasperated and say “ Oh XXXXXX are you really coming to correct my children again?”

I’d put my hand up towards her (visual clue) if she carried on say
‘No thanks I’ve got this’

if she escalated repeat calmly ‘I’ve got this. I’m a parent’ anything she says repeat as above ‘no thanks. Don’t need your input. I’ll handle my child’

if she is loud or aggressive towards the child block her - stand between them hand back towards her palm up to signal no - talk to your child calmly and eye contact

listen to me x I need you to go and sit on the other side of the hall. Or whatever

if she interferes say I’ll parent my child (emphasise my) child in my way. Unless I ask don’t interfere please it is confusing my child and undermining me

Next time she comes over stand up, look at her and say very clearly and calmly ‘I’m handling this and don’t need any input from you’ and then turn your back on her.

She’s a busybody and the reasons are entirely irrelevant. She’s becoming comfortable bossing you around and you need to stop her fast.

You really do need to model to your DD how to challenge overbearing and intrusive people. It isn't good for them to see you being ineffectual and this woman's behaviour sounds very threatening to a child. Otherwise they will take your cue and will end up unable to stand up for themselves. With someone like this you really do need to be very firm, possibly over and over again...

"They need to learn"

"Then I'll be the one to teach them"

Exactly. You can let her know firmly but in a pleasant tone of voice that you've got the situation sorted. There's no need to be aggressive with her, I know you want to remain on friendly terms with her as your daughters are good friends so there's no need to risk a falling out by speaking aggressively when a calmer approach should hopefully work.

It'll be good for your daughters to see you sort out difficult situations and people in a calm, quietly assertive manner and good for them to know that you'll speak up for them.

The comment 'They need to learn' I'd reply curtly 'Yes it seems some adults need to learn too'
The comment 'Your welcome' I'd say 'Well your interference is not'

This lady needs to be reminded that she is in a public space, with children who are not her own.
These are your children and you can interject, let your child know first before you reply to her that actually no thanks, you can stay, I'm your mom so listen to me'
Have a chat with your DC before you go in and say if XXX tells you what to do, you follow my instruction over hers, I will handle XXX.

I'm a bit of a coward who doesn't like confrontation so I would probably not think to say anything at the time, but I would be angry after feeling surprised at her rudeness.

If you don't want any animosity I'd probably text and say - I understand you think you are helping which I appreciate but I don't want you to correct my child if you don't mind because I have my own way of parenting, thanks though.

If she did it after that I wouldn't be able to be so polite and I wouldn't feel bad about it at all. You've been told, concentrate on your own children. Sometimes with people like that you just need to be firm for them to get the message, but I fully understand it's not always easy in the first instance if you have a certain personality type (which I have!) but I definitely have a line that if someone crosses I will be firm. Especially if children are involved.

"I know you mean well but I'd prefer you didn't do that"

But she doesn’t mean well, at all! She’s an insufferable, interfering busybody!

Op, I’d tell your children to politely ignore any instructions she gives them in future, and next time she tries it say to her “Sorry X, but I’ve told the girls not to take any notice when you behave like this.”