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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really annoyed by friend ignoring our arrangement?

86 replies

Huga · 18/06/2023 07:13

Friend has a long history of staying all day and just not taking the hint to leave. We've not seen much of each other lately and I got a new puppy and she wanted to come see him.

I agreed, she always brings her dog (I have dogs too so not really an issue though hers is a little shit tbh) and the day of getting pup I get a text at 7am!!! saying she was leaving soon so she's not travelling with dog in heat (takes her an hour on bus)

Now because she had such form for not getting the hint and staying till 7pm+ I told her she was welcome to come see pup during the day whilst his kids were at school but we wanted to surprise them with pup alone so could she leave at 3pm before kids come home?

She agreed.

At about 1pm she says 'can't I just stay and see YoungestDs reaction? I really want to see his face etc

I tell her no because she agreed to go home and it's rude to agree to something and then try and double back.

She says it a few more times.

It's getting onto 3pm when I go pick kids up and she's making no move to go.

I'm really pissed off at this point but feel I can't say anything more than I've already said because

A) I was VERY clear that I wanted her to leave
B) she has alot of mental health issues and she's been really mentally ill lately

So 3pm rolls round and I'm livid that she's still here and now I'm just feeling like I 100% don't want her to be involved in puppy reveal out of principle, so I get dogs harness on and tell her I'm going with DH to pick up kids and will surprise them in the car.

She says 'but I wanted to see their faces!!' and I basically ignore her and go.

She leaves about 30 mins after we get home because her dog is being an arse to puppy.

I'm just really fucking annoyed that she came on the promise she would leave at 3pm and I ended up surprising DS on the side of the road rather than at home.

I felt I couldn't say something at the time because she has bipolar an dalot of other issues and anything seems to trigger her going into a downwards spiral and I was quite annoyed so couldn't trust myself to be diplomatic about it.

But now I want to, in a calm manner.

She has form for things like this and puts it down to 'not understanding social ques!

But someone telling you to leave isn't a que, is it? It's quite clear I didn't wnat he involved in that moment!

OP posts:
DancingShinyFlamingo · 18/06/2023 07:17

Personally I would change meet ups to neutral territory. It will stop this dynamic immediately without a word needing saying. You can keep your friendship, arrive and leave as you’ve stated you will and you will not be so controlled and impacted by their choices. We did this with my in-laws, for different reasons. but it was really effective.

Original poster
Huga · 18/06/2023 07:20

DancingShinyFlamingo · 18/06/2023 07:17

Personally I would change meet ups to neutral territory. It will stop this dynamic immediately without a word needing saying. You can keep your friendship, arrive and leave as you’ve stated you will and you will not be so controlled and impacted by their choices. We did this with my in-laws, for different reasons. but it was really effective.

That's quite difficult as she doesn't have a lot of money and won't leave her dog alone. So we can't go for lunch or anywhere that costs money because I would end up paying and it would have to be somewhere dog is.

Plus she genuinely doesn't seem to get the hint when I try and divert stuff she just keeps going on. It's quite draining.

She also has BPD.

OP posts:
Curseofthenation · 18/06/2023 07:21

This friend wouldn't be invited to my house again. I'd meet them in cafes and parks. She's inconsiderate and selfish.

Curseofthenation · 18/06/2023 07:22

I would just go on dog walks together in that case.

MelonsOnSaleAgain · 18/06/2023 07:24

I had a friend like this. I switched to meeting her in coffee shops exclusively and managing my own time, the same as @DancingShinyFlamingo suggested in her post. The friendship dwindled after that if I’m honest, but not because I didn’t want to see her. It was because she didn’t want me to establish my boundaries!

Its much easier to manage your own behaviour than change someone else’s.

honeyandfizz · 18/06/2023 07:26

I also have a friend like this (also has bipolar and can be quite manic at times), she is lovely but boy she can talk and talk. If she comes to mine I have to make sure it is not a work night because she will be still talking gone midnight whilst my eyes are rolling shut in the back of my head! Like others have said it is best to meet on neutral territory.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 18/06/2023 07:27

Definitely meet for dog walks with a flask of coffee and some sausage rolls.

Original poster
Huga · 18/06/2023 07:28

I think that's the way I'm going to go.

Although I've gone that before where we've met at X place and we get the same bus home, I get off way before her, she stays on and gets a 2nd bus.

And she's got off the bus with me at 5pm!!when I'm going to go feed the kids etc.

She doesn't have nay other friends, she does have a GF but it's semi- long distance so she's alone a lot of the time.

OP posts:
Meeting · 18/06/2023 07:30

Is it really worth being friends with someone when you're scared of the way they might react to things?

I would no longer allow her in my house.

wildfirewonder · 18/06/2023 07:33

If you do what you have aways done, you'll get what you've always got.

You can only control your behaviour, you have to change what you do rather than hope your friend will change.

You can still be a good friend but meet somewhere else.

JMSA · 18/06/2023 07:33

Could you meet at her place?

BelindaBears · 18/06/2023 07:34

Being actively asked to leave isn’t a social cue, it’s an instruction! She sounds very hard work. Could you go to her place and then you’re in control of when you leave? Perhaps without your dog (once the puppy is a bit older) so you have to leave to get back to it and there’s a finite amount of time? I must admit I’d be considering how much I actually wanted to be friends with her if this continued.

Curseofthenation · 18/06/2023 07:35

You could also go for a walk near her place if it isn't suitable - as that remedies the bus issue.

Original poster
Huga · 18/06/2023 07:35

JMSA · 18/06/2023 07:33

Could you meet at her place?

No, he place is tiny and she's a hoarder so there's absolutely no room.

OP posts:
Lacucuracha · 18/06/2023 07:36

Just go to the park, and tell her to bring her own lunch.

I feel suffocated just reading your posts!

BlackFlyChardonnay · 18/06/2023 07:40

I think you need to be more blunt whilst remaining kind. You say 3pm rolled around and she's still there. Yes, she's taking the piss because you've already told her you want her gone then, but at this point you're silently seething instead of confronting the situation. You've given in so many times before that she doesn't respect your boundaries.

At 2.30pm, you could have said "OK, you'll have to go now." When she pushes back "no, I love you but you have to go now." When she pushes again, "I've told you my plans, please respect my boundaries." And then grey rock and repeat "please respect my boundaries" each time.

I know it's difficult in the moment. The friendship seems hard work.

standardduck · 18/06/2023 07:40

I really feel for you, she sounds suffocating.

I would not invite her over anymore as she is clearly not respecting your boundaries. If you want to keep the friendship going, maybe meet with her outside for a walk. To be fair, if it was me I would let the friendship fizzle out.

TulipCat · 18/06/2023 07:41

It sounds so intense just reading your posts. It's difficult if she doesn't have any friends, but it's not your job to be her sole provider of company. It was perhaps unwise to have arranged to see her on the day you wanted to introduce your puppy to your children, though, given her form for not leaving. But overall, what are you getting from the friendship?

Lacucuracha · 18/06/2023 07:42

I wouldn’t have her in the house again, but if you do.

Just get your coat on and get hers and tell you have to run an errand so it’s time to go.

hattyhathat · 18/06/2023 07:45

BlackFlyChardonnay · 18/06/2023 07:40

I think you need to be more blunt whilst remaining kind. You say 3pm rolled around and she's still there. Yes, she's taking the piss because you've already told her you want her gone then, but at this point you're silently seething instead of confronting the situation. You've given in so many times before that she doesn't respect your boundaries.

At 2.30pm, you could have said "OK, you'll have to go now." When she pushes back "no, I love you but you have to go now." When she pushes again, "I've told you my plans, please respect my boundaries." And then grey rock and repeat "please respect my boundaries" each time.

I know it's difficult in the moment. The friendship seems hard work.

This. Ans also meet her in a public place no where near your home

insatiableme · 18/06/2023 07:48

You need to put clear boundaries in place and stick to them boundaries. For example, It's 3pm you need to leave now as agreed.

If you feel you can't put these boundaries in place in your home and stick to them maybe stick to going for a walk with the dog and a coffee.

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 18/06/2023 07:53

Ugh god I would just stop this friendship full stop TBH. Life is too short.

ThursdayFreedom · 18/06/2023 07:56

Why did you allow her to visit on the day you got your puppy. That was madness in itself.

she has a lot of mental illnesses, she is how she is. You won't change her, so all you can do is manage her behaviour as best you can.

At around 2pm, I'd have said 'DH, you're in charge of the puppy, I'll be back in time to go to pick DC up with you, I'm just walking 'Mary' to her bus, won't be long. Come on Mary it's time to go, I'll walk to the bus with you, no sorry you can't stay to see the children today, we can do that another day etc etc

Thegoodbadandugly · 18/06/2023 08:13

Your friend is suffocating you, you need to take a huge step back from her. If you want to continue the friendship arrange to meet in a cafe where you can the leave whenever your ready.

OpenDoors72 · 18/06/2023 08:20

I have bipolar (unmedicated even) and don't behave anything like that. Unless she has ASD too, she's using it as an excuse.

Either way, you need to be really firm. If she can't take hints, only meet her in public places for a set amount of time or have a long 'appointment' etc you need to go to within an hour or two of her showing up.

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