To be really annoyed by friend ignoring our arrangement?

[Huga]

Friend has a long history of staying all day and just not taking the hint to leave. We've not seen much of each other lately and I got a new puppy and she wanted to come see him.

I agreed, she always brings her dog (I have dogs too so not really an issue though hers is a little shit tbh) and the day of getting pup I get a text at 7am!!! saying she was leaving soon so she's not travelling with dog in heat (takes her an hour on bus)

Now because she had such form for not getting the hint and staying till 7pm+ I told her she was welcome to come see pup during the day whilst his kids were at school but we wanted to surprise them with pup alone so could she leave at 3pm before kids come home?

She agreed.

At about 1pm she says 'can't I just stay and see YoungestDs reaction? I really want to see his face etc

I tell her no because she agreed to go home and it's rude to agree to something and then try and double back.

She says it a few more times.

It's getting onto 3pm when I go pick kids up and she's making no move to go.

I'm really pissed off at this point but feel I can't say anything more than I've already said because

A) I was VERY clear that I wanted her to leave
B) she has alot of mental health issues and she's been really mentally ill lately

So 3pm rolls round and I'm livid that she's still here and now I'm just feeling like I 100% don't want her to be involved in puppy reveal out of principle, so I get dogs harness on and tell her I'm going with DH to pick up kids and will surprise them in the car.

She says 'but I wanted to see their faces!!' and I basically ignore her and go.

She leaves about 30 mins after we get home because her dog is being an arse to puppy.

I'm just really fucking annoyed that she came on the promise she would leave at 3pm and I ended up surprising DS on the side of the road rather than at home.

I felt I couldn't say something at the time because she has bipolar an dalot of other issues and anything seems to trigger her going into a downwards spiral and I was quite annoyed so couldn't trust myself to be diplomatic about it.

But now I want to, in a calm manner.

She has form for things like this and puts it down to 'not understanding social ques!

But someone telling you to leave isn't a que, is it? It's quite clear I didn't wnat he involved in that moment!

You're not being firm enough with her op. Pick up her coat and bag and physically shoe her out of the door.
Staying all day till 9pm is insane.

I tell her no because she agreed to go home and it's rude to agree to something and then try and double back. From OP

I don't know anyone with Autism who would behave like this. Autistic people can struggle with or miss social cues, but this isn't about cues OP was clear. I could never stay a moment longer past the host saying or suggesting it was time to leave. My Autistic DD & DS1 are the same. Like some Autistic people my DS2 would leave the minute the agreed time was up even if encouraged to stay longer because he doesn't feel comfortable doing anything but the original agreement.

The fact I don't know anyone Autistic, including myself, multiple family members and my DC, who would do this doesn't mean I'd say no one Autistic would do this. Just because you, one person, doesn't do this doesn't mean no one with bipolar would do this.

I have a friend like this- although not quite as bad.

One night she came in the morning "for a coffee", stayed all day, and then literally watched my family eat dinner (she wouldn't have any dinner) and sat at the table while DH and I did the bath, book, bedtime routine with a toddler and a baby (it can take up to two hours, especially when a random guest throws out their routine). We were absolutely knackered at the end of it and just wanted to crash on the sofa- but there she was, our guest. Still there. Expecting to chat more.

She's not a bad person, I think she's just lonely. She doesn't work or have caring responsibilities so maybe doesn't consider how precious down-time is to those who do.

Now I don't have her over anymore. We meet in a cafe and I shout brunch or we meet in a park for a walk.

DH is a tolerant man but he's put his foot down on her visiting us at home.

OP if you want her in your life the only answer is boundaries, boundaries, boundaries and stick to them. The alternative is you eventually get so resentful and angry and then you cut it off so she has no time with you, which would certainly be a loss to her. You say you feel mean pushing her to leave, but it's im her best interests to not annoy you so much you finish the friendship. That would be a much bigger blow to her.

For future meet ups I'd leave a gap between the time she needs to depart and any activities or school ending and when that time comes have something prepared to say that spells out she will leave now, maybe offer to walk her to the bus if you're happy to do this.

OP can you clarify if it's bipolar or borderline personality disorder that your friend has been diagnosed with? Just curious as I don't think it's clear in your posts.

She's told me she has both. Originally it was BPD. Then she said she'd been diagnosed with Bipolar and she constantly talks about being 'manic'
She was on lithium for a long time.

I don't know if she still considers herself as having BPD. She said its now EUPD?

I don't even know if you can have both.

It's always something 'big' though. Her upset tummy is a stomach imbalance disorder or her tiredness is chronic fatigue. She said she had Chronic fatigue syndrome for a while and that's all I heard about but now all she talks about is the bipolar.

I can't keep up tbh.

Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder is the same thing as Borderline Personality Disorder.

I have a cousin like this, if I'm honest I find it a form of bullying and aggression. She knows, she just doesn't care. I suspect your friend is the same. I don't see her much anymore and neither does anyone else in the family because it's never a pleasant experience.

Quite.

Thermos of coffee/ soft drinks. Meet in a dog-friendly park. No money spent, neutral ground.

Can you think of reasons that you value her friendship OP? What do you like about her, in what ways do you enjoy her company?

This sounds more like an intermittent hostage situation than a friendship.