To be really annoyed by friend ignoring our arrangement?

[Huga]

Friend has a long history of staying all day and just not taking the hint to leave. We've not seen much of each other lately and I got a new puppy and she wanted to come see him.

I agreed, she always brings her dog (I have dogs too so not really an issue though hers is a little shit tbh) and the day of getting pup I get a text at 7am!!! saying she was leaving soon so she's not travelling with dog in heat (takes her an hour on bus)

Now because she had such form for not getting the hint and staying till 7pm+ I told her she was welcome to come see pup during the day whilst his kids were at school but we wanted to surprise them with pup alone so could she leave at 3pm before kids come home?

She agreed.

At about 1pm she says 'can't I just stay and see YoungestDs reaction? I really want to see his face etc

I tell her no because she agreed to go home and it's rude to agree to something and then try and double back.

She says it a few more times.

It's getting onto 3pm when I go pick kids up and she's making no move to go.

I'm really pissed off at this point but feel I can't say anything more than I've already said because

A) I was VERY clear that I wanted her to leave
B) she has alot of mental health issues and she's been really mentally ill lately

So 3pm rolls round and I'm livid that she's still here and now I'm just feeling like I 100% don't want her to be involved in puppy reveal out of principle, so I get dogs harness on and tell her I'm going with DH to pick up kids and will surprise them in the car.

She says 'but I wanted to see their faces!!' and I basically ignore her and go.

She leaves about 30 mins after we get home because her dog is being an arse to puppy.

I'm just really fucking annoyed that she came on the promise she would leave at 3pm and I ended up surprising DS on the side of the road rather than at home.

I felt I couldn't say something at the time because she has bipolar an dalot of other issues and anything seems to trigger her going into a downwards spiral and I was quite annoyed so couldn't trust myself to be diplomatic about it.

But now I want to, in a calm manner.

She has form for things like this and puts it down to 'not understanding social ques!

But someone telling you to leave isn't a que, is it? It's quite clear I didn't wnat he involved in that moment!

It's the borderline personality disorder that's likely causing the issue with boundaries.

Meet her somewhere free - a park.

You need to leave at 2pm.
Its 2pm. It is time for you to go.
No, I don’t want anyone here. It’s 2pm. You need to leave. I will get your coat.
No, it’s 2pm. If you don’t leave you can’t come back.
I have nicely asked you to leave. I am absolutely resolved that 2pm is the time you need to leave.
I do not want to host you after 2pm. Four hours is plenty and I have work to do.
It is 2pm. It’s been lovely but you need to go now.

Or sausage rolls and a flask on a dog walk works.

I have a friend like this. Distanced myself a bit although not possible to do this completely becuase of how we are friends. I now only try to socialise with her at hers but she still makes it difficult for me to leave (drinks are involved). Made the mistake of having her over recently and it was a nightmare trying to get her home.

BPD cold be borderline personality disorder too which I believe is different to bipolar disorder? Not sure.

Friend has a long history of doing X.
Friend does X, again.

It's reasonable to not want to have to deal with her behaviour, it's unrealistic to expect her not to do it, because you know that's what she does.

Yes she's mentally unwell, no that's not your fault or your responsibility. Don't create situations where she is able to do X again.

That sounds so draining. Could you try pretending you have something arranged for the end of the meet up, whether it’s at a park or at yours, that she couldn’t possibly tag along to? Not just a casual errand but something like dentist/hygienist, GP appointment, smear test, physio/osteopath, meeting with kids teacher etc. Then if she tries to get off the bus with you “oh sorry I’m not going straight home, I’ve got xyz to go to first”

I couldn't cope with a friend like that and would probably bin her off for the sake of my own mental health. Have you asked yourself if you're still friends because you want to be and it's a fulfilling friendship, or because you feel obligated, she has noone else yadda yadda?

I agree with this.

Maybe I am reading this wrong, but did you have your friend come over with her difficult dog on the first day you had a new puppy??? It sounds like that because your own child hadn't met the puppy yet, but maybe I have misunderstood. That seems like a terrible idea for the puppy, who needs to have a calm introduction to your house.

Your friend sounds very hard to deal with, and obviously should not have stayed.

I feel your pain op this is so frustrating.
My ex in-laws were like this. They came to my house when I came out of hospital with ds. It had been a very difficult birth. They were supposed to be staying for an hour then going elsewhere. Anyway very long story short, they stayed for hours.
Peiple like this are selfish and care only about themselves.
I second the advice to only meet her in neutral ground.
I have nothing to do with my ex in-laws and the relief was great.

This is nothing to do with her bipolar disorder. She's just a CF.

Exactly this. You know she wont respect your words or boundaries so stop meeting her at your house. Meet for dog walks instead. YABU simply because you know she has form for this but you keep on doing it then getting upset when the inevitable happens.

Could you just distance yourself and let the friendship end. Seems you have nothing good to say about her and don’t really enjoy your time together. You are not obligated to continue your relationship

Also, how can she not afford one coffee if she has the money to look after a dog? dogs are expensive, they certainly arent budget friendly.

Some people have a very thick hide and you literally have to say "Oh look, it's 3 o'clock - I'm going to have to throw you out now. Come on, here's your coat, did you have a bag? Yes, we really have to go now." and shove them out the door.

I will say they don't seem to take offence, I guess that is just how they always leave places.

Do you actually want this friendship? Is it a friend when the other person isn’t giving a shit about what you want.

I ‘had’ a friend like this. She didn't care that I didnt want her and her dcs round for hours and expected to fed too!! I’d only neet at hers or on neutral ground.

This. All day long.

I’ve faded out friends for less.

Because she's a very good dog owner and her money goes on her dog, who is her best mate. Her dog has a good quality food, insurance, regular flea treatments. She's her very best friend so she doesn't have much disposable income after looking after her dog.

She doesn't drink, smoke, go out etc. Her dog is her life.

So meet her for a free dog walk then. It doesnt have to be at your house

Grow a pair. You are allowing her dog and her MH issues to control the narrative. You need to tell her that you are pissed off that she refused to listen to your wishes and needs. She intruded on a private family event and made it stressful for you. She needs to learn to respect your boundaries if she genuinely wants to be your friend and recognize that she doesn’t always get to do what she wants to do or when.

Either she doesn’t understand your social interactions and needs direct communication in the moment but doesn’t mean anything bad by it, or she’s a chancer you would be best off avoiding anyway. If you like her in other ways and want to stay her friend I think you just need to be very clear with her and not be shy about saying straight out - “It’s time to go now.“, “I told you we weren’t doing that.” Etc..

But you haven’t said anything nice about her which leads me to think you don’t really like her. In which case I think you need to stop inviting her over. If you don’t want to be upfront with her just keep saying things like “Oh, I can’t today.”, “Sorry we’re busy.” Etc.

I don’t understand how you told her directly she needs to leave by 3pm, but when it was 3pm, you didn’t actually say anything. It’s as though you suddenly lost your voice.

You need to be more assertive. Easier said than done, but you’ve got the foundation there when you told her she needs to be leave by 3pm…just carry it on!

Well no I've not said anything positive in this post because I'm having a rant about one specific incident.

She does have lots of good qualities too, she's always there to listen, she would help me out in a pinch with childcare or collecting a child from somewhere, she always remembers my kids birthdays.

It's not all bad but I would say I do feel alot of obligation and guilt a round the friendship.

Most of her conversations are about her illnesses.

I think she may have a bit of that disorder where you get attention through illnesses.

That's all she likes to talk about, her appointments, her meds. She shows off almost when her meds go up. Everything is brought back to how I'll she is.

She's been diagnosed with a dozen different things in the last few years and the latest one will be the reason for all her problems and explain everything until the next diagnosis and the previous one isn't mentioned anymore.