What the hell am I doing??

[iamnotpanicking]

I made an awful mistake and married the wrong person. I stayed for nearly 20 years in an abusive situation and was so miserable for so many reasons that I got to a point where life just wasn't worth living anymore. I hated everything in my life, I hated me and who I became, I hated waking up each day. Eventually I decided everything had to change and I worked very very hard for nearly 5 years to create a plan to make that happen.
Everything is changing now and I'm trying to not panic!😱
I filed for a divorce, I put my house up for sale, I found a new job in another part of the country with a higher salary and more manageable hours and I am buying a house there in an area I don't know and I'm leaving everything I know and everyone I know behind soon.
What if all of this is a mistake?????
What if the job doesn't work out?????
What if I can't afford the new house?????
What if I don't meet any new friends?????
What if???? What if??? What if???
I can't sleep at night because I am so worried about everything. I don't feel free I feel terrified!!!!!! I'm crying randomly most days and I'm irritated and short tempered and stressed and anxious and all I can think about is how scared I am that things will not work out (I know they could work out to be just fine but my mind is still thinking the worst). I'm trying to tell myself it will all be ok and I can do this.
My parents don't want to know. They're mad I'm getting divorced and are not speaking to me but then telling other family that I don't phone them enough and those family are telling me to contact my parents more frequently.
My brothers are focused on their careers and I'm not sure they have heard me when I have told them what I'm going through right now. They've not contacted me, I contact them and ask how they are doing.
One group of friends I meet up with all I hear about are their holiday plans and their new house designs and their gardening projects. I'm truly glad things are going well for them, but my life is chaotic and uncertain at the moment. I'm taking things day by day I can't think about their holidays in August and where they will ski in January. We are in such different spaces right now, they are thinking of how to spend their money and I'm worried about not having enough to provide essentials like food and a roof over my head. When I speak they're saying things like 'poor you, you'll be fine' before moving on to what we're having for lunch. No one asks how I'm doing. People keep telling me to 'stay positive'. I don't feel positive I feel bloody terrified!
When I've spoken to another group of friends they have said things like 'you've created the problems you're having right now, you knew it would be tough' and 'there are other people in this world who have bigger problems than you do, remember that' and 'at least you have your health'.
Another friend asks 'how's your divorce thing going?' about every 2 or 3 months.
These are the friends who for years told me to leave and make changes if I was unhappy. Now I'm doing that and they are carrying on as if life is not changing (I guess it's not for them) and expecting me to carry on as if my entire life isn't changing. I've been upset by their comments. They said I was being dramatic and I was told to 'pray about it' and 'take some time for you'. I'm so sick of these throw away comments. I'm moving several hours away and I mentioned meeting up after I move, you could have heard a pin drop before the conversation moved on to another holiday they are planning. I know I will never see most of these people again now that I'm moving out of area. I'm now finding it hard to meet up with them and pretend everything is ok. I am now avoiding these people because I find meeting up with them too upsetting.
I have come to realise that I don't have good friends or maybe not even friends. I have acquaintances and people I sometimes text and meet up with for meals. I thought I was lonely due to my marriage but I'm realising that I was lonely due to not having strong connections with anyone, no one has my back. I'm on my own. I think this might be partially why I'm so stressed and panicked and emotional most days. Yes I can do this on my own, but I'm realising it would be nice to go through this period of my life (actually it would be nice to go through life) with someone who cares about me or at least have someone who can be somewhat supportive rather than me feeling like I shouldn't be sharing what I'm going through because I am the one that made choices to change my shite situation.
One friend has told me to leave voice notes for her when I need to talk. A few days I was so desperate to talk to someone and over about a month I sent her three messages in total when I felt at my lowest. She's not replied to any of them. She said she thought she was being a good friend, she said she told me to send her the messages because she thought it would be helpful for me to talk out loud, she told me she hasn't even listened to the messages. I felt upset by this and have told myself to not send her any further messages. AIBU to have thought she would listen to the messages and respond? Am I expecting too much of her time? I'm sure she's busy. Is it me? Am I asking too much? Should I not be talking to people about what is going on for me? I feel so overwhelmed and terrified most days that I don't know what to do then I go into a spiral of panic and overthinking. I'm now questioning if I should have made any of these changes let alone all of them. I know I should rely upon myself rather than on others, I know other people have their own problems, but sometimes I just want someone to talk to.
AIBU to want at least one supportive person at such a massive moment in my life?
Thanks for reading. Apologies this has turned into a bit of a rant.😳

Oh I really feel for you. What an uncertain and scary time with such big change. I am so sorry you feel dismissed by your friends. I would absolutely expect them to ask how I am and listen to my voicenotes and nor steer the conversation back to holidays.

Something I find handy to do with 'what ifs' is find the opposite what if, you don't need to believe it, you just need to help your brain out of panic mode by reminding it of other possibilities

What if all of this is the best decision I have ever made?
What if the job makes me so happy?
What if I can afford the house and have money for a hobby?
What if I make better friends who actually answer my bids for connection?

You have got this. It is all going to be ok. Better than ok. You are currently going through the really shaky scary time where everything is up in the air before the dust settles, it is so normal to feel this way.

😢 Thank you sunnyfeelgood that is actually the nicest thing anyone has said to me in a very long time. I will try your opposite technique tonight. Thank you

I have no advice as I'm at the beginning of your journey and have already started on the what ifs Then I take a deep breath, tell myself I can't stay as it is otherwise I wouldn't be thinking about leaving because I would be happy.

The thought I hold on to the tightest is the knowledge that I would have taken my own life by now just to get away, and that's why I'm trying my hardest to leave. I have a choice - I can either use my feet to leave or I can have a coffin. I choose feet. And so do you. You've got this

I think youll find that youll feel free and the freedom it will bring you is enough to make you happier.

I truly hope you find happiness and calmness in your new adventures <3

You are AMAZING! It took you 5 years, but you did it! So, yes, you've got this. You didn't say what made you decide to move away, but it seems that was probably a very good decision. It sounds as though you have set yourself up to have an excellent chance of success in your new life (better job, buying a house for just you). That is an accomplishment in itself! Job doesn't work out? You'll get another. Can't afford the house you want right now? You'll find a cheap place to live for a year or two and save loads of your salary to buy that house in a couple of years. Those things are easy compared to what you have already done! And eventually, you will make friends. I'm sorry that in the meantime it feels so terrible.

When my Mom divorced my Dad after not quite 30 years of marriage, another woman who was married challenged her "right" to divorce a man who worked, didn't cheat, kept a roof over her head and food in her belly. (If only she knew how hard my Mom also worked to keep the roof over our heads and food in our bellys!) By all appearances (to her), he was a "good" husband and my Mom was ungrateful. I can't remember what my Mom said in response to her, but that woman left her own husband (who earned loads more than my Dad) just a year later. I wonder if some of your friends are actually a bit envious that you are as brave, resourceful and self-determined as you are, and willing to do the hard work needed to make a life for yourself that is actually yours? As someone who has been single for a very long time, I will tell you that even when my life isn't all rainbows and unicorns, it is truly mine. (I left a husband many years ago who preferred getting high to forget that we had relationship problems rather than having a discussion to work them out. I also got a lot of crap from people that didn't know what was really going on in our house.)

I'm not sure whether or not this will help, but there's a thread happening today titled, "Anyone else just happy being single?" It isn't the most exciting thread going today, but it might give you one or two ideas of things to look forward to as a newly independent woman.

I think all the feelings you are feeling are normal! Your life is changing! But you are doing what is right for you, even though it's hard.
I'm rooting for you, and I wish you all the best.

@iamnotpanicking
You have already taken the biggest step forward by realising that you have to move on from your current life, that was a HUGE step well done for taking it.
It has taken a lot of planning and forethought on your part , it is not like you have flounce out of your home after a tiff.
You have worked hard to get this far , don't let the colliewobbels get you now.
@Sunnyfeelgood is right , don't look at the negative side of the "what ifs" even if the bad ones come true , so what ? You won't be any worse off than you are now.
You say your family are not been supportive, is it possible that they don't realise how bad things are at home ( or won't admit it to themselves) so do not understand why you are 'leaving a good home life'
Even if they do know and do not support you, while this is far from ideal you do not need your families approval in the way you run your life.

Your life - your choice

Personally I would avoid contacting them for a bit , until you are settled down , then in a few weeks reach out and let them you are happy , safe and settled.

You have taken a big leap forward, keep going !

People can be surprisingly unempathic and unsupportive at such times. Your leaving a very bad situation stirs up uncomfortable thoughts about their own situations and what they are putting up with - often they seem to think you are making a judgement of them, for staying in their marriages, by leaving yours. It also stirs up fears about change in general. Doesn't excuse them, though.

As these people are of no help to you, and you probably can't afford a counsellor, I would look into some kind of charity support services or phonelines to download your fear and worry to in this time of big change - where you would be understood and offered kindness and encouragement, not dismissed as you have been by family and friends.

This is a really normal and understandable phase of anxiety in your new life and it will pass. The future will unfold and you will be proud of your bravery in getting out and starting a new life, where you are open to being treated well - and perhaps with better friends than you have now.

My situation was slightly different to yours as to why I needed to leave but, like you I knew something radical had to change as I couldn't stay living the way I was.

I took a massive gamble and moved countries and was absolutely filled with all the "what if's" in the world. I had to just keep telling myself that anything was better than where I was at the time and if I didn't work out I would still have other options.

As it happens I'm still not 100% sure moving here was the right choice for me but I am certainly happier than I was in my old live and being here gives me the space to consider what I really want from life and how that might happen.

Remember you are making a move away from a life that doesn't make you happy, this is just the beginning of your journey and doesn't have to be the final destination if you don't want it to be.

Thank you all so much for your kind words. It really means the world to me right now. I've been working a long shift and using @Sunnyfeelgood opposites to help calm the anxiety when it flares. The worries seem to be worse at night when my mind is trying to switch off and I can't keep distracting myself.

@Pixiedust1234 Thank you! The hardest step was to start my plan to leave. It took me far too long to do this because I was so scared. Once I started my plan it breezed past and I felt motivated to get out. It's only now that the changes are about to happen that I'm starting to panic and wonder if I can really do this. Find your motivation and it will propel you through.

@Thoughtful2355 Thank you! I hope the feeling of freedom comes.

@Quz Thank you! I'm so sorry to hear about your experience. It has astounded me how insensitive and unkind some 'friends' and family can be when you're going through massive change whether they know the reason or not. It sounds like your mother said something profound for that woman to realise she didn't have to stay stuck in her own marriage. Maybe you're right and people are commenting or ignoring me based on their own situation. For so many years I was the unhappy one who never had any news to share when we met up. Now my entire life is changing, I am changing and most friends and family do not want to know. They are starting to slowly disappear. It's sad but I guess it's making me realise that I would rather have true friends and create my own family rather than have people in my life that want to keep me small and miserable. I'll have a look at that thread today, thanks!

@SkaneTos :) Thank you!

@ScottBakula Thank you! I think you're right. I need to stop reaching out to people who are hurting me and then blaming me for not reaching out enough. Over the years I have tried to tell my family about what was happening but they didn't want to hear it. I don't think I realised how much that has hurt me over the years. It's one thing to be abused and it's another for your family to pretend it's not happening. I've started to come to terms with that in the past couple years. You're right, I need to get myself settled a bit, do a bit more work on myself and then maybe start to reach out again. 'Your life - your choice' I think I'm still getting used to believing this!:) Thank you!

@lemonchiffonpie Thank you! You may just be right! The constant 'stay positive' comments are really grating after a while. Every time I say anything I get comments like 'at least you still have your parents' 'at least you have a job' 'at least you have a husband' someone who has lost their parents is nothing to do with my parents treating me badly, or not having a job vs me being overworked and under paid, or an abusive husband vs no husband at all. Maybe they are saying these things from their own fears and insecurities. There seems to be a need to 'stay positive' and sometimes life is just shite and I need to work through that rather than 'keep positive'. I've just found it so frustrating that I stop talking and then I get angry and worried and stressed because I'm holding everything inside. Counselling would probably be ideal but you're right I can't afford it. I'll have a look at charity support services. Thank you!

@PearTreeBoat 'Remember you are making a move away from a life that doesn't make you happy, this is just the beginning of your journey and doesn't have to be the final destination if you don't want it to be.' Thank you! I'm going to take this with me. A lot of the choices I'm making at this point are based on what I can afford and what seems likely to help me move forward. They are not necessarily what I want but you're right it doesn't have to be forever it can just be steps to my next destination. Making a decision to change your entire life is such a HUGE undertaking. You were brave to do this as well! Where will your next step take you? :)

Hope today's a better day for you, iamnotpanicking.

As others have said, don't have any expectations of friends and family. You really learn who people are in a crisis.

Making huge changes in your life is daunting, but you'll reep the benefits and life will be so much better. Change is good

@Want2beme You really learn who people are in a crisis.

Thank you! Yes you are right. I spent years planning to leave my husband and part of that was because I thought I had so many friends who were telling me they would support me emotionally. The support just isn't there. People I've known for years, people I've supported through divorces and job loses and bereavements and affairs and problems with their children, these people are all disappearing when I need them. My expectations of others have definitely lowered now.

Change is scary, and you’re having several major changes at once. By putting all these plans in place, it shows you’re a strong woman. You’re bound to feel unsettled.

Go girl!

@Riverlee Thank you! :)

Unfortunately when you've gone through the type of long term misery you have it can badly effect your confidence that that things will ever go well for you. Happiness, peace of mind and security are just something you're no longer used to, so it's completely natural to dread the next time it will all go wrong.
What you need to do here is look at your fears objectively. Consider the worst case scenario in all areas and have a back up plan.
If its difficult to make friends, what can you join?
If you hate the job, what other jobs are out there?
If you can't afford your house, what's plan B?
You have been very brave, quite inspirational, and have already shown you have incredible resources. If things go wrong, you can change them again. Theres other jobs and your home town will still be there.
Meanwhile take it all step by step. Focus on the present and what each day brings.
There's plenty of people on here you can chat things through with, so you're not alone.

I can't add much to the wise words above about thinking about Plan B if the job/house turns out to be not right, but I just wanted to say well done for coming this far, and making your plans and bringing them to fruition. Think how you'll feel in your lovely new house, and meeting new people in your new job! Forget the 'friend' with the voice notes. Doubtless she meant well, but was ultimately selfish, as we can all be.
One excellent way of meeting people is to join some sort of volunteer group - helping others takes you out of yourself and hopefully there will be people you'll click with. Good luck - it's going to be fine! Once you're settled you'll look back and be glad that you made that new start.

My parents don't want to know. They're mad I'm getting divorced and are not speaking to me but then telling other family that I don't phone them enough and those family are telling me to contact my parents more frequently.
My brothers are focused on their careers and I'm not sure they have heard me when I have told them what I'm going through right now.

This speaks volumes. In a normal caring family, you would be supported. Instead, yours are blaming you and smearing you in front of others. You, like me, were not brought up to feel that you matter as a human being. But you do.

It's no wonder you ended up in a bad marriage. I'm so glad for you that you're starting again and wish you all the best. Sorry to hear you can't afford counselling but I do hope you find the support hear helpful, and there are many free resources available online.

@5128gap I hadn't thought about it in that way but you are right. It feels impossible to imagine that things could go right for me. I've been doing the opposite technique from above and I struggle to believe and image what the opposite of my fears could actually be like.

'Consider the worst case scenario in all areas and have a back up plan.'

When I think about it I think this is what I do, constantly think of what to do if it all goes wrong because I can't image it going right. I loved what you said about staying in the present and taking things one step at a time. I need to keep reminding myself to do this.

I feel so alone so your words mean a lot to me. Thank you! The people on this thread have shown me more kindness than I've seen in a great many years.

@Pocketfullofdogtreats Thank you! A volunteer group is a great idea. I'll start looking at what's available in the new area.

@Escapingafter50years Thank you! 'feel supported'I've been thinking about this. I don't remember a time I felt supported by anyone. I feel like a disappointment to everyone. Maybe after the move and starting the new job I can budget for counselling.There probably are a lifetime of things I could discuss and work through. I've reached out to a local charity counselling and I'm on a waiting list but I don't think I'll be seen before the move unfortunately.
The closer I get to moving day the more anxious and worried I'm becoming. Sleep is getting more difficult and the enormity of all the change is getting bigger and heavier. It's hard to believe this is actually happening. I just hope it's not another mistake.

I think the 20 years (or more) of being tied to someone who made you feel worthless, plus your unsupportive family, have really crushed your confidence. But you still made plans over five years to make a new start. You are strong! I speak as someone who left an abusive marriage too. Walked out. My life now is incomparable (in a good way) to what I left behind. I even have a best friend! It sounds as if your friends and family maybe find upheaval - or even change - threatening. (Maybe they'd like to make changes themselves but don't have the courage. Sometimes people with 'perfect' lives can feel empty inside.) But anyway, keep going with the plan. Best wishes.

OP, has anyone mentioned the word catastrophising to you? It might be useful to start there, and read up a little. Here's just one of many articles

www.webmd.com/balance/features/catastrophizing-the-worst-thing-ever

With how you were, and are, treated by your parents and then your husband, its not that surprising you have become very anxious and regularly worry about the worst case scenario. It will take time and conscious effort to change your mindset, but it can be done, you've already come so far.

@Sunnyfeelgood is absolutely right.

What if this is perfect. What if this change is wonderful

Tbh, chances are it will be

And as what we believe can influence what happens - if you believe it will be perfect - then it will be

I was with my ex husband for 20 years. Leaving was scary, but the best thing I ever did. Yes, at first I was a bit lost and skint, and friends disappeared, but 7 years on I have a good job, love my house and thoroughly enjoy only having to consider myself. I'll never live with a man again. Happy to date the right person if they come along but content with how things are right now.

You're allowed to be scared, you're leaving all you know behind to head towards the unknown. But, and it's a very big but, your life is now completely yours.

If you are worrying lots at night you could try having a notebook in bed to write down your worries and tell yourself you’ll review them in the morning. That can sometimes help people to get them out of their head and sleep better. Best of luck with it all - remember also that it doesn’t need to be perfect, but it sounds very likely that your new circumstances will be better than what you are leaving behind.