I made an awful mistake and married the wrong person. I stayed for nearly 20 years in an abusive situation and was so miserable for so many reasons that I got to a point where life just wasn't worth living anymore. I hated everything in my life, I hated me and who I became, I hated waking up each day. Eventually I decided everything had to change and I worked very very hard for nearly 5 years to create a plan to make that happen.
Everything is changing now and I'm trying to not panic!😱
I filed for a divorce, I put my house up for sale, I found a new job in another part of the country with a higher salary and more manageable hours and I am buying a house there in an area I don't know and I'm leaving everything I know and everyone I know behind soon.
What if all of this is a mistake?????
What if the job doesn't work out?????
What if I can't afford the new house?????
What if I don't meet any new friends?????
What if???? What if??? What if???
I can't sleep at night because I am so worried about everything. I don't feel free I feel terrified!!!!!! I'm crying randomly most days and I'm irritated and short tempered and stressed and anxious and all I can think about is how scared I am that things will not work out (I know they could work out to be just fine but my mind is still thinking the worst). I'm trying to tell myself it will all be ok and I can do this.
My parents don't want to know. They're mad I'm getting divorced and are not speaking to me but then telling other family that I don't phone them enough and those family are telling me to contact my parents more frequently.
My brothers are focused on their careers and I'm not sure they have heard me when I have told them what I'm going through right now. They've not contacted me, I contact them and ask how they are doing.
One group of friends I meet up with all I hear about are their holiday plans and their new house designs and their gardening projects. I'm truly glad things are going well for them, but my life is chaotic and uncertain at the moment. I'm taking things day by day I can't think about their holidays in August and where they will ski in January. We are in such different spaces right now, they are thinking of how to spend their money and I'm worried about not having enough to provide essentials like food and a roof over my head. When I speak they're saying things like 'poor you, you'll be fine' before moving on to what we're having for lunch. No one asks how I'm doing. People keep telling me to 'stay positive'. I don't feel positive I feel bloody terrified!
When I've spoken to another group of friends they have said things like 'you've created the problems you're having right now, you knew it would be tough' and 'there are other people in this world who have bigger problems than you do, remember that' and 'at least you have your health'.
Another friend asks 'how's your divorce thing going?' about every 2 or 3 months.
These are the friends who for years told me to leave and make changes if I was unhappy. Now I'm doing that and they are carrying on as if life is not changing (I guess it's not for them) and expecting me to carry on as if my entire life isn't changing. I've been upset by their comments. They said I was being dramatic and I was told to 'pray about it' and 'take some time for you'. I'm so sick of these throw away comments. I'm moving several hours away and I mentioned meeting up after I move, you could have heard a pin drop before the conversation moved on to another holiday they are planning. I know I will never see most of these people again now that I'm moving out of area. I'm now finding it hard to meet up with them and pretend everything is ok. I am now avoiding these people because I find meeting up with them too upsetting.
I have come to realise that I don't have good friends or maybe not even friends. I have acquaintances and people I sometimes text and meet up with for meals. I thought I was lonely due to my marriage but I'm realising that I was lonely due to not having strong connections with anyone, no one has my back. I'm on my own. I think this might be partially why I'm so stressed and panicked and emotional most days. Yes I can do this on my own, but I'm realising it would be nice to go through this period of my life (actually it would be nice to go through life) with someone who cares about me or at least have someone who can be somewhat supportive rather than me feeling like I shouldn't be sharing what I'm going through because I am the one that made choices to change my shite situation.
One friend has told me to leave voice notes for her when I need to talk. A few days I was so desperate to talk to someone and over about a month I sent her three messages in total when I felt at my lowest. She's not replied to any of them. She said she thought she was being a good friend, she said she told me to send her the messages because she thought it would be helpful for me to talk out loud, she told me she hasn't even listened to the messages. I felt upset by this and have told myself to not send her any further messages. AIBU to have thought she would listen to the messages and respond? Am I expecting too much of her time? I'm sure she's busy. Is it me? Am I asking too much? Should I not be talking to people about what is going on for me? I feel so overwhelmed and terrified most days that I don't know what to do then I go into a spiral of panic and overthinking. I'm now questioning if I should have made any of these changes let alone all of them. I know I should rely upon myself rather than on others, I know other people have their own problems, but sometimes I just want someone to talk to.
AIBU to want at least one supportive person at such a massive moment in my life?
Thanks for reading. Apologies this has turned into a bit of a rant.😳