What the hell am I doing??

[iamnotpanicking]

I made an awful mistake and married the wrong person. I stayed for nearly 20 years in an abusive situation and was so miserable for so many reasons that I got to a point where life just wasn't worth living anymore. I hated everything in my life, I hated me and who I became, I hated waking up each day. Eventually I decided everything had to change and I worked very very hard for nearly 5 years to create a plan to make that happen.
Everything is changing now and I'm trying to not panic!😱
I filed for a divorce, I put my house up for sale, I found a new job in another part of the country with a higher salary and more manageable hours and I am buying a house there in an area I don't know and I'm leaving everything I know and everyone I know behind soon.
What if all of this is a mistake?????
What if the job doesn't work out?????
What if I can't afford the new house?????
What if I don't meet any new friends?????
What if???? What if??? What if???
I can't sleep at night because I am so worried about everything. I don't feel free I feel terrified!!!!!! I'm crying randomly most days and I'm irritated and short tempered and stressed and anxious and all I can think about is how scared I am that things will not work out (I know they could work out to be just fine but my mind is still thinking the worst). I'm trying to tell myself it will all be ok and I can do this.
My parents don't want to know. They're mad I'm getting divorced and are not speaking to me but then telling other family that I don't phone them enough and those family are telling me to contact my parents more frequently.
My brothers are focused on their careers and I'm not sure they have heard me when I have told them what I'm going through right now. They've not contacted me, I contact them and ask how they are doing.
One group of friends I meet up with all I hear about are their holiday plans and their new house designs and their gardening projects. I'm truly glad things are going well for them, but my life is chaotic and uncertain at the moment. I'm taking things day by day I can't think about their holidays in August and where they will ski in January. We are in such different spaces right now, they are thinking of how to spend their money and I'm worried about not having enough to provide essentials like food and a roof over my head. When I speak they're saying things like 'poor you, you'll be fine' before moving on to what we're having for lunch. No one asks how I'm doing. People keep telling me to 'stay positive'. I don't feel positive I feel bloody terrified!
When I've spoken to another group of friends they have said things like 'you've created the problems you're having right now, you knew it would be tough' and 'there are other people in this world who have bigger problems than you do, remember that' and 'at least you have your health'.
Another friend asks 'how's your divorce thing going?' about every 2 or 3 months.
These are the friends who for years told me to leave and make changes if I was unhappy. Now I'm doing that and they are carrying on as if life is not changing (I guess it's not for them) and expecting me to carry on as if my entire life isn't changing. I've been upset by their comments. They said I was being dramatic and I was told to 'pray about it' and 'take some time for you'. I'm so sick of these throw away comments. I'm moving several hours away and I mentioned meeting up after I move, you could have heard a pin drop before the conversation moved on to another holiday they are planning. I know I will never see most of these people again now that I'm moving out of area. I'm now finding it hard to meet up with them and pretend everything is ok. I am now avoiding these people because I find meeting up with them too upsetting.
I have come to realise that I don't have good friends or maybe not even friends. I have acquaintances and people I sometimes text and meet up with for meals. I thought I was lonely due to my marriage but I'm realising that I was lonely due to not having strong connections with anyone, no one has my back. I'm on my own. I think this might be partially why I'm so stressed and panicked and emotional most days. Yes I can do this on my own, but I'm realising it would be nice to go through this period of my life (actually it would be nice to go through life) with someone who cares about me or at least have someone who can be somewhat supportive rather than me feeling like I shouldn't be sharing what I'm going through because I am the one that made choices to change my shite situation.
One friend has told me to leave voice notes for her when I need to talk. A few days I was so desperate to talk to someone and over about a month I sent her three messages in total when I felt at my lowest. She's not replied to any of them. She said she thought she was being a good friend, she said she told me to send her the messages because she thought it would be helpful for me to talk out loud, she told me she hasn't even listened to the messages. I felt upset by this and have told myself to not send her any further messages. AIBU to have thought she would listen to the messages and respond? Am I expecting too much of her time? I'm sure she's busy. Is it me? Am I asking too much? Should I not be talking to people about what is going on for me? I feel so overwhelmed and terrified most days that I don't know what to do then I go into a spiral of panic and overthinking. I'm now questioning if I should have made any of these changes let alone all of them. I know I should rely upon myself rather than on others, I know other people have their own problems, but sometimes I just want someone to talk to.
AIBU to want at least one supportive person at such a massive moment in my life?
Thanks for reading. Apologies this has turned into a bit of a rant.😳

I was going to suggest this. During a particularly dark time for me, and us as a couple I really struggled ti sleep due to the thoughts going round in my head, always at night. I wrote pages, I cried while writing some but when I finished I slept wonderfully. In the morning some felt daft to have been so upset about they wrre so minor, some were things I could act upon to hopefully change, some worried me so i tried to come up with possible ways/ alternatives incase the scenario happened and others were scary and upsetting and I allowed myself the 'right' to be upset by them.

OP I'd like to point out all of the empathic / positive comments you have made to pp. Give yourself some of that love and confidence and you will blossom. The hardest and bravest part was making the decision to do this, and youve already done that!!

I left my ex husband with my daughter and the clothes we wore. And £7. Completely homeless.

8 years on, we have friends,we built a new life.

YOU have the power to make a change. YOU have the power to make this the best thing youve ever done.
YOU have a fantastic chance to be who you truly are and live life for YOU.

Of course you're doubting yourself if everyone is putting you down.

But they aren't you. Youre the one who has control. Youre the one who can create a lovely life for yourself. Youve realised those so call friends are crap so don't for one minute think about the things they say. Why would you want to stay around them!? They dont matter. YOU matter.

I guess the flip side is if you gave in to your anxiety and stayed you would always regret it and be angry with yourself so you have to see this through.
There's a book I read years ago as an anxious youngster too scared to do anything.

Called Feel The Fear and Do it Anyway by Susan Jeffers. I found it really helpful.

Good luck.

@iamnotpanicking

You are making some big life changes, all at once, having been your own staunch supporter against the naysayers (including, sadly your own mother). That takes mental energy, focus, guts and you've been doing this for along time. I admire you for doing what you're doing. Some people are threatened by changes people make to better themselves and pull back or are discouraging. Don't let them get into your head - keep focused on your goals. You are doing so well. 🌹

I just want to add my voice and offer you some support. You are amazing and you have come so far already. It took me ten years to finally find the strength to leave my abusive ex. Breaking free from his stranglehold was hell, but still so much better than if I had stayed. The only support I had was from my sister, but she lives in a different country to me so it was complicated. There is an end to everything you are going through. You will come out stronger and happier, free to spread your wings and fly. And keep posting - you´ve got a family of mumsnetters cheering you on. x

I've worked extra shifts this weekend and feel exhausted but I also feel I'm doing all I can to help myself financially, there are literally no other shifts I can pick up. I'm treating myself to a hot bath tonight and hopefully bed before 11pm because I'm up early to go back to work in the morning. I feel like all I do is work recently but the routine is also helping to keep me busy and focused on something other than what's happening. I can't say it enough, I greatly appreciate your support and I am re-reading this thread again and again because it is packed full of great tips and advice. Thank you!!

@Georgeandzippyzoo Thank you! Your writing at night and then reflecting on what you wrote in the morning sounds like it was really helpful and that it made it easier to break down your worries and what you could do about them.
I appreciate your kind words and I hope you are now in a brighter place individually as well as in your relationship :)

You sound very brave @Cucumber1234 and inspiring! I'm so glad you and your daughter are now in a better place and have created a new life for yourselves. You're right this next phase will be whatever I make of it. It will be a chance to start again and hopefully create the life I have always dreamed about. Thank you!!

@BlippiIsAnnoying Thank you for the book recommendation. I will have a look for it. You're right! I have huge regrets about staying as long as I have. I feel like I've wasted my life. If I give up my chance to leave then I would be resigning myself to a life of abuse and misery. It's not a life and I would never forgive myself. Also I imagine he would be even worse if I went back. It really isn't an option when I think about it.

@Newestname002 Thank you! I really appreciate your words. I have often wondered why my 'friends' suddenly flipped from being encouraging when I was talking about the abuse and wanting to leave, to suddenly being disinterested when I started to put my plan into place to leave. It has been really hurtful and upsetting because I guess I thought they would be supportive through this difficult part and carry through into my new life. My mother has never changed so her hurtful behaviour isn't new unfortunately, I'm keeping distance from my parents for now until I'm in a better mental space to cope with them again.

@Tapacaminos Thank you so much! 'A family of support' that sounds so amazing and I am so so appreciative! ❤
I am so glad to hear you are now free from your ex and your sister was able to help you from afar. Just knowing that someone cares and has your back is such an empowering feeling when you otherwise feel alone. I hope you're now in a better space! :)

Just remember, this is just one part of your life...a phase, albeit a horrible one. In a couple of years you will look back and think how far you have come, and pat yourself on the back for getting through it. At the moment just keep on going, one day at a time. You will get there.

Thank you @Firefinch These past few weeks have been difficult. There have been so many changes. I still can't quite believe what is happening. It doesn't seem real and feels very very overwhelming. I keeping having to remind myself to breathe.

Can we take it that you have finally moved and started your new job?
If so, that´s brilliant!

When you say that it´s overwhelming and doesn´t feel real - that really resonates with me. It´s going to take time before those thoughts and feelings begin to subside. I hope you don't mind me posting a link to a short story that helped ground me and focus my mind and my breathing.

Change can be difficult - even when it's absolutely the right thing to do. It's that time between the live you used to have, and settling into the life you are going to have. There's lots of uncertainty and unknowns - but difficult is better than stuck and unhappy. Especially when a lot of the difficult is temporary.

You have done the right thing, and it will get easier.

Turn it around
What if it does
What if it does
What if it does
You deserve to be happy sweetie so go make some happiness x