What the hell am I doing??

[iamnotpanicking]

I made an awful mistake and married the wrong person. I stayed for nearly 20 years in an abusive situation and was so miserable for so many reasons that I got to a point where life just wasn't worth living anymore. I hated everything in my life, I hated me and who I became, I hated waking up each day. Eventually I decided everything had to change and I worked very very hard for nearly 5 years to create a plan to make that happen.
Everything is changing now and I'm trying to not panic!😱
I filed for a divorce, I put my house up for sale, I found a new job in another part of the country with a higher salary and more manageable hours and I am buying a house there in an area I don't know and I'm leaving everything I know and everyone I know behind soon.
What if all of this is a mistake?????
What if the job doesn't work out?????
What if I can't afford the new house?????
What if I don't meet any new friends?????
What if???? What if??? What if???
I can't sleep at night because I am so worried about everything. I don't feel free I feel terrified!!!!!! I'm crying randomly most days and I'm irritated and short tempered and stressed and anxious and all I can think about is how scared I am that things will not work out (I know they could work out to be just fine but my mind is still thinking the worst). I'm trying to tell myself it will all be ok and I can do this.
My parents don't want to know. They're mad I'm getting divorced and are not speaking to me but then telling other family that I don't phone them enough and those family are telling me to contact my parents more frequently.
My brothers are focused on their careers and I'm not sure they have heard me when I have told them what I'm going through right now. They've not contacted me, I contact them and ask how they are doing.
One group of friends I meet up with all I hear about are their holiday plans and their new house designs and their gardening projects. I'm truly glad things are going well for them, but my life is chaotic and uncertain at the moment. I'm taking things day by day I can't think about their holidays in August and where they will ski in January. We are in such different spaces right now, they are thinking of how to spend their money and I'm worried about not having enough to provide essentials like food and a roof over my head. When I speak they're saying things like 'poor you, you'll be fine' before moving on to what we're having for lunch. No one asks how I'm doing. People keep telling me to 'stay positive'. I don't feel positive I feel bloody terrified!
When I've spoken to another group of friends they have said things like 'you've created the problems you're having right now, you knew it would be tough' and 'there are other people in this world who have bigger problems than you do, remember that' and 'at least you have your health'.
Another friend asks 'how's your divorce thing going?' about every 2 or 3 months.
These are the friends who for years told me to leave and make changes if I was unhappy. Now I'm doing that and they are carrying on as if life is not changing (I guess it's not for them) and expecting me to carry on as if my entire life isn't changing. I've been upset by their comments. They said I was being dramatic and I was told to 'pray about it' and 'take some time for you'. I'm so sick of these throw away comments. I'm moving several hours away and I mentioned meeting up after I move, you could have heard a pin drop before the conversation moved on to another holiday they are planning. I know I will never see most of these people again now that I'm moving out of area. I'm now finding it hard to meet up with them and pretend everything is ok. I am now avoiding these people because I find meeting up with them too upsetting.
I have come to realise that I don't have good friends or maybe not even friends. I have acquaintances and people I sometimes text and meet up with for meals. I thought I was lonely due to my marriage but I'm realising that I was lonely due to not having strong connections with anyone, no one has my back. I'm on my own. I think this might be partially why I'm so stressed and panicked and emotional most days. Yes I can do this on my own, but I'm realising it would be nice to go through this period of my life (actually it would be nice to go through life) with someone who cares about me or at least have someone who can be somewhat supportive rather than me feeling like I shouldn't be sharing what I'm going through because I am the one that made choices to change my shite situation.
One friend has told me to leave voice notes for her when I need to talk. A few days I was so desperate to talk to someone and over about a month I sent her three messages in total when I felt at my lowest. She's not replied to any of them. She said she thought she was being a good friend, she said she told me to send her the messages because she thought it would be helpful for me to talk out loud, she told me she hasn't even listened to the messages. I felt upset by this and have told myself to not send her any further messages. AIBU to have thought she would listen to the messages and respond? Am I expecting too much of her time? I'm sure she's busy. Is it me? Am I asking too much? Should I not be talking to people about what is going on for me? I feel so overwhelmed and terrified most days that I don't know what to do then I go into a spiral of panic and overthinking. I'm now questioning if I should have made any of these changes let alone all of them. I know I should rely upon myself rather than on others, I know other people have their own problems, but sometimes I just want someone to talk to.
AIBU to want at least one supportive person at such a massive moment in my life?
Thanks for reading. Apologies this has turned into a bit of a rant.😳

What a brilliant thing you've done! How bloody exciting.

I too left an abusive relationship and I'd like to reassure you that having my own home and relying on no one, myself and my daughter have never been happier.

Best of best of luck!

Being "alone" also means that no one can let you down x

I got a divorce at the age of 31. It was hands down the loneliest time of my life. Friends especially were incredibly unsupportive. They were actually more judgmental than my family. I put it down to them being too young to get it maybe. No one understood why I didn't stay to work on the marriage even though he was abusive. Apparently because I married him, I should just stay. Lol.

I'm sooo happy I had the strength to leave but it was HARD. It was also exciting and happy and my life took a turn for the better and it was the best decision ever made. I lost most of my friends but fuck them, they weren't good friends to begin with. They were mostly uni mates and I do feel sad I don't have my uni crew anymore but that's done now.

I still have flashbacks to my first day in my new apartment, surrounded by boxes and realising I had NO ONE to call and talk to. It was so lonely it was actually traumatic.

You sound fabulous to me OP.

When I went through a similar situation, my very wise DS told me "Mum you are a warrior, not a worrier."

Obviously I am indeed a worrier, but this really helped me through some of the hard times as it made me laugh a little, imagining myself as some kind of warrior princess!

If any of the changes you are making turn out to be a bit shit, you can change them again. Job turns out to be a bit too stressful, you get another one. If you don't like single life ( I bloody love it) then you just get another one (bloke) New house not to great. Get another one. I appreciate this is a bit trite but again it just helps to make those steps less scary if you tell yourself "It's OK, I can just get another one."

I don't know what to say about your shit friends. Hopefully you will make far better ones when you move.

Try to frame it as you are going on an adventure. "We're going on a bear hunt, we're not scared."

Good luck OP.

You've had some great advice.

But all I want to say is I wish you well and it takes huge guys to do what you have done. Be proud. Most of us are left with what ifs but here you are doing it.

We never know which way the penny may drop but no one made a new story doing the same old thing.

Hopefully in your new life you will meet some better friends than these self absorbed people. Good luck!

Well done on changing your life. Even if you don't love your job or new home it will still be so much better than the last 20 years. If you really don't like it, you can move again. The world is your oyster

Poor OP!

I wondered whether you are from a traditional background (as I am). If it helps - we can see marriage differently. If it isn't working, there's nothing to be ashamed of in drawing it to an end. All relationships will end, and it is much braver to admit when it's reached its natural end.

If you can't afford your property, could you let out a room?

Take each step as it comes. Visualise what you want and you have every chance of finding it!

This. Op I was you 26 years ago. It has been the best thing that ever happened to me but it certainly didn't feel like it at the start.
When you feel wobbly remember....
Your house is yours. It doesn't matter how small it is , its yours. When you shut the door after a day at work you are safe .
Decisions are scary . ..but also fantastic. You can choose the colour of every wall, every cushion, every duvet cover and curtains. You can do the garden or pay someone else to mow and then just sit in it. Or fill it with pots of loveliness if it's a tiny space. You don't have to discuss it with anyone else. You will never again have someone say no to an idea you have.
You can cook something lovely when you get home. Or eat some cheese and biscuits in front of the telly in your pj's.
You can look on the meetups site. Loads of groups for all sorts of things. You can make new friends if you want to.
Work will feel odd for the first 6 weeks or so. Then it will start to feel normal. You will have met everyone, know where everything is and how it all flows.
I will never forget the realisation that I didn't need to discuss ( or give up on) any idea I had. If I wanted something I loved and I could afford it I could just buy it.
It will be scary but it will be brilliant. If it got too much for me I used to have a cry and then shake it off and tackle the next thing. You can do it. And above everything it is sooooo much better than living with an arse. Xxxx

Op, you will not look back with regret - I promise!

I think you should write down all the reasons you are doing this. The crap you've had to put up with, the lack of support from the people closest for you, the hopes you have for a better life.

Then when you are worrying about the what ifs, look at the reality of what was. You KNOW you don't want that any more.

Yes, it might take time to settle in. It might take time to make friends. It might take time to get used to your new life.

But it won't take twenty years. It's unlikely to take five. And if it's not working for you - you know what? You have got yourself out of a worse situation. You can get yourself out of that one. But I bet you that it will work for you. You are going to start making the life that you want.

I think you just need to find some friends with a bit of life experience. Honestly, they sound incredibly dull anyway! In my world, every conversation is a mutual counselling session.

It’s very natural to be anxious when you’re alone. Humans aren’t meant to live alone….we’re meant to live in tribes and we’d never have had to deal with things alone. You need to build a support system. Sorry can’t write more as have to go out. Good luck.

So sorry your friends and family are shit. They've all really let you down. Sometimes in life, the trash takes itself out. I know the timing is horrible. Even though it's so scary and lonely right now, it's obvious you are doing exactly the right thing. When the dust settles, you will probably only wonder why you waited so long to leave. Just take one day at a time with your new life and only let people into it who have your best interests at heart. It might be a good idea to keep a thread running for support.

You're an amazing strong Woman OP.

You only get one life and that life has not been great up to now....But the new adventure begins for you.

Your so called friends want to keep you in "your unhappy box' and by smashing your way out you've shown your courage , they don't like it !

I wish you much happiness for your new life.....💐

Oh man you are me five years ago. Right down to the unsupportive friends.

I really thought that leaving my husband would mean I'd keep all the good things in life, including the friends who counselled me to leave, and just be free of the bad marriage. But, as with you, many (not all) friends fell away when I was no longer living in a nice detached house but was instead in a shitty flat. Some people were surprisingly judgey too.

Looking back, I think when you're in a bad marriage, it's hard to develop real, lasting friendships. But it's okay because when your life is better and you're more relaxed and happy, then you'll naturally start making better friendships. It just happens naturally.

OP 5 years planning and you are doing it, that's amazing!!! You are an inspiration!!

People are self absorbed, you will make new and deeper connections where you are moving and can start again with people you truly want in your life.

I had all of this 2 years ago and I can honestly say I'm the happiest I've ever been, yes, there are down days but overall I'm happy and content - you've got this.

Dear op.
You are amazing and desetve happiness. It will come ... I did a similar thing 8 years ago and everyday I thank myselffor having the courage to change my situation. I don't have to speak to him, cook for him, listen to his shit ever again. You will be free to discover you which hasn't happened in 20 years... it wont be instant and the road was not all roses. But now 8 years later I have everything in my life to be happy about. Do this for you. You won't regret it. Good luck and be find your inner strong woman. Ps
Now friends say I am a positive influence in their lives because I dare to just do it.

Take care and you have all the happiness of freedom and choice waiting for you

Life is full of what ifs.

I divorced my ex perfectly happy to tackle the world on my own with my DS.

Life had other ideas and I ended up with my now DH, who was actually my teenage crush and we'd lost contact years before, and I'm happier than I ever, ever thought I could be.

You're off on a whole new adventure - some will work out, some not so much but if it doesn't work out it's not the end of the story, just that chapter.

Houses sell, jobs are advertised, people to meet are everywhere.... nothing is permanent if you don't want it to be - but, there's a bloody good chance this is the start of a wonderful new life - run to it head on and make it amazing.x

The anticipation of change can be terrifying!!!

The reality is likely to be far less so. This is the worst bit, once you move and start your new job you will have a new reality to focus on and shape. ou can do this!!!

Apologies for the delayed reply I've been working extra shifts.

@Pocketfullofdogtreats Thank you! People seemed shocked when I told them I had filed for divorce. I was shocked they were shocked because they knew what my situation was. Perhaps you are right about change being threatening. I'm so glad to read that you are in a better space after you left and that it can get better. Thank you so much for your kind words and for the hope you've given me.

@Escapingafter50years Thank you for the link it made for interesting reading. I haven't heard of that before but it sounds very familiar. I will continue to read into this because I realised I'm doing it now. I worry about not having enough money so I work extra shifts even though I'm exhausted and haven't been sleeping. Not sleeping is probably making everything worse but worries tend to come up most at bedtime when I have no other distractions to keep me busy.

Thank you @Ladybug14 I struggle to imagine that everything will be ok but I am trying and I am telling myself it will be. I just struggle to believe it. I've been doing the opposite technique all week and it is helping to stop the spiralling so it's not as bad as it was.

Your words made me tear up @Mabelface 'my life is my own' It's hard to get my head around that but I know that I am going to be the only person who cares about me so if I wanted to leave my awful marriage then I had to figure out how to do it myself. It's both scary and also a relief to be on my own. You sound very happy in your new life and I'm so glad it's worked out well for you. I also cannot imagine living with a man again or getting married again. I have fought and am continuing to fight so hard to have something for myself. I can't image giving that up ever again.

@Riggle Thank you! That's a great idea and I will try it tonight. I keep myself very very busy and when it's time to go to bed I am exhausted but when I start to slow down my mind starts worrying about everything that could go wrong and I start to question if I'm making another mistake. Then the 'What ifs' start coming in and the spiral starts. The opposite techniques have been helping to stop the spiralling but I'm usually so worked up I can't sleep. The heat recently hasn't been helping either though.

Royalbloo · 22/06/2023 15:38
Being "alone" also means that no one can let you down x

@Royalbloo Thank you! I'm so glad to hear that you and your daughter are now happier since you left. It gives me hope and also I can so relate to your words about not relying on anyone because then they can't let you down. That feeling is powerful knowing no one can let me down again.

@Grumpy101 I'm so sorry to hear your experience. It is awful to go from having 'friends' to suddenly being alone because your friends don't understand or don't agree with your decision. It's been eye opening for me and very hurtful.
'Apparently because I married him, I should just stay.'
That is what my parents told me, it didn't matter that he was abusive. I don't matter, that's what I took away from their words. Again it was hurtful and I realised I only have myself to look after me. One of my worries is moving into my new place and not knowing how to fix things and not having the money to pay someone to fix them. That feeling of being alone is terrifying not because I don't want to be on my own but what if something goes wrong and I can't fix it. I keep telling myself
'Other women have done it and I can too. I can do this. Breathe. I can do this. I can figure this out.'
It seems to be working when I start to spiral.
Have you built a new life for yourself? Have you made new friends and created a home for you?

@greencheetah Your DS sounds brilliant! ❤
Thank you! I will try to look at this next phase as an adventure which I can control if it starts to go pear shaped. The closer I move to the sales completing the more panicked I become (hence this thread). One huge chapter is closing and another one is starting, blank pages are waiting to be written. I hope this is my best chapter yet. I just need to remember to breathe!!

@Namechange666 @YoucancallmeKAREN Thank you!

I'm hoping other women who are in a similar situation will read all this amazing advice which is helping me and it will also help them too.
You all will never know how helpful and supportive you have been. Thank you!

@moneymoneymoneyroot My parents think divorce is wrong. It doesn't matter why you want to divorce or what he is doing to you, leaving him is wrong. I think my parents are ashamed of me which is at odds with people telling me I should be proud because I was brave to leave. I realised when I filed for divorce that I would not only be leaving my husband but also my family. It took me years to come to terms with that and it hurt. I did not realise I would also be losing my friends, that's hurt even more. I still remember how shocked they were when I told them I was divorcing. I felt like I had done something wrong. I will never forget that moment. I hadn't prepared for it and I was shocked they were shocked.
I could possibly let out a room if needed. I need to look into that and the options there. Thank you for the idea!

Thank you so much @AngelinaFibres You've created a beautiful image of what life can be like! I'm going to save that and read it to myself each day before bed, before the spiralling starts.
I'm glad to hear you're now living a happy life that is your own.

@ISeeMisledPeople :) Thank you! I appreciate your motivating words!