DH moans when I visit DF on Fathers Day

[Bigwildorange]

Just that really, DH has no contact with his Dad and doesn’t see him on Fathers Day. DH always has cards and presents from our children and I cook him a special breakfast. He has always had an issue with us going to see my DF on Fathers Day and says that Fathers Day is never about him. We don’t spend the day there, just a few hours but it always sends DH into a mood. Tomorrow we can’t as the kids are ill (possibly infectious) and I didn’t want to pass anything onto my parents. Told DH that I feel guilty that we won’t be going over and he said the usual “it’s never about him (DH)on Fathers Day. AIBU? It’s normal to see parents on Mother’s Day and Fathers Day etc? I do understand that this day brings up difficult feelings for those who aren’t in contact with their dads etc. DH bares a lot of resentment towards his Dad.

Sounds like he needs therapy to deal with his issues. He shouldn’t be making you feel bad.

Oooo this is a hard one. I do think it is fairly normal for people to see their parents/grandparents on Father’s Day. However I also get that he would like to have a day for him and also I kind of feel that mothers/Father’s Day is really more about the younger generation who are currently actively parenting. I always feel a bit grumpy about having to see my mum on Mother’s Day, but that is because she’d guilt me if I didn’t go and was a pretty shit person to be around.

Is he normally grumpy about things or is this quite unusual?

I think both approaches are normal to different families to be fair so I don’t think your DH is wrong

Why does he need to go? Surely you can go alone as a compromise?

Bit of both really. I've never considered trying to see my parents on FD or MD and nor would DH. We both send cards and we see PIL way more often anyway (1 mile vs 250 miles away). So he's not unreasonable to find it a bit tiresome you always do but he is U to be such a whiny baby about it.

I think you should go and see your father but offer to leave the kids with DH so he can have time with them on Father’s Day.

You go and leave the kids with DH

I know that this might not be helpful but I think that neither of you are wrong. You should see your Dad but your h is also reasonable to want a day all about him.
Do you see his mum on Mother's Day?

Leave your children with their father, go to see yours. Then the children can make father's day all about him.

You dh is being ridiculous. My dh shares fathers day with my birthday this year. Personally, fathers day and mother's day is about shoeing love and appreciation. It isn't something you hoard. It's better when it's shared. It's not a competition.

I know that everyone has their own traditions and meanings around this kind of day, but personally I think that Father's Day is more about my DH (as father of our DC) rather than my dad or my FIL. Similarly on Mother's Day I'd expect more of a fuss to be made of me than of my mum or MIL. I just feel that the person with young DC who is being the current, day to day parent is the one who this sort of day is about.

So, I'm with your DH.

When my brother became a Dad he saw our parents the day before Mothers & Fathers Day. They never minded it not being the actual day but they still got to see him.

I can see why you want to visit your dad but can also see that DH is disappointed that he doesn’t get the day for him.
I agree that Father’s Day is more for those who are actively parenting. so presuming he’s not usually an arse about you seeing your family, I’m with him.
We send cards and gifts for our own parents and will visit near the day but normally plan a nice day with our children for the actual day of father’s or Mother’s Day.

I can see it from your DH point of view. He is the Father of your DC so now it should be his day rather than your DF. Leaving your DC with him for the day and visiting your DF would not be the same and that seems a bit unkind.

I tend to see my parents the Friday or Saturday before Mother's day and Fathers day.
We don't really celebrate it much though. Cards and presents is about it. If I saw my dad on the actual day I don't really think DH would care.
But absolutely leave the kids with him as it's Fathers day.

When OP's dad is dead he can have it all to himself

What a juvenile tedious twat.

You have my sympathy being married to someone like that.

It sounds like it's only about him until he's eaten the special breakfast you've made him, and for the rest of the day it's about your dad. You're there for 'just a few hours' - how long?

I can understand him feeling that he, the father of your DCs, is less important to you than your father on FD. And that he'd like it be at least equal and sometimes get the lion's share of the fuss, not just the crumbs.

Agree. For all the same reasons!

Maybe remind him your df was a father first. As petty as his behaviour surely??
What a man child.
Leave your dc and you go see your df. Wear a Covid mask if you are worried about germs!

For me mothers/fathers day is for those in the trenches with special mentions for the grandparents with presents etc around the date.
Could you do one day with your dad and another with him.
Otherwise Fathers day is just another chore.

I kind of agree with him. Father’s and Mother’s Day are, to me, more about the parents who are in the active parenting stage, rather than those with adult children. Obviously it’s important to recognise our own parents, but they’re no longer getting up in the middle of the night or soothing tantrums 🤷‍♀️.

This usually means that we see my parents/in-laws around our plans for each other.

On the one hand your DH is not your dad, so you aren't obliged to indulge him all day, but on the other hand, your DH shouldn't have to visit your dad on Father's Day.

Unfortunately I have to visit DP's dad on Father's Day whether I like it or not (I don't) because DP doesn't drive. We used to argue about it because his parents are difficult and expect to see him on the day (even though they know I have to bring him), whereas my parents are/were normal reasonable and were happy to see me anytime. My dad died a few years back and Mum has Alzheimer's, so DP gets to see his parents with no argument. I know I was probably being a bit petty, but his parents are awful and I used to get annoyed that they always got what they wanted by manipulation.

He’s not your father. You go to see your father alone, and your kids get to see their father.

I think your DH is right and you are being insensitive.

I don’t have a mum, I do have children. It’s a very sad emotion having a relationship with your child that your parent doesn’t have with you. Mother/daughter in my case. When I was married I did not want Mother’s Day to revolve around MIL.