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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH moans when I visit DF on Fathers Day

90 replies

Bigwildorange · 17/06/2023 16:38

Just that really, DH has no contact with his Dad and doesn’t see him on Fathers Day. DH always has cards and presents from our children and I cook him a special breakfast. He has always had an issue with us going to see my DF on Fathers Day and says that Fathers Day is never about him. We don’t spend the day there, just a few hours but it always sends DH into a mood. Tomorrow we can’t as the kids are ill (possibly infectious) and I didn’t want to pass anything onto my parents. Told DH that I feel guilty that we won’t be going over and he said the usual “it’s never about him (DH)on Fathers Day. AIBU? It’s normal to see parents on Mother’s Day and Fathers Day etc? I do understand that this day brings up difficult feelings for those who aren’t in contact with their dads etc. DH bares a lot of resentment towards his Dad.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 17/06/2023 17:21

What happens on mother's day?
(If he insists he/the kids go to his mother then he is definately in the wrong with his wining)

Gracewithoutend · 17/06/2023 17:22

Father's Day for my husband was about him and the children. Fathers Day for me was about me and my dad.
I always saw my dad on father's day. Usually accompanied by some sort of celebratory food. I would not have taken kindly to anyone saying I couldn't go and give my dad a hug on fathers day.

roarfeckingroarr · 17/06/2023 17:23

He's not your father. He's being unreasonable.

Do you support the kids to get him a card / present / make him breakfast? That's enough.

I took the kids to see my dad today instead but only because the trains are a mess tomorrow.

Ponderingwindow · 17/06/2023 17:24

Father’s Day and Mother’s Day should acknowledge all, but should prioritize those actively parenting children.

If your husband doesn’t want to spend his day visiting your family, he shouldn’t have to. You could easily arrange a nice lunch with your father on Saturday instead of Sunday.

roarfeckingroarr · 17/06/2023 17:24

billy1966 · 17/06/2023 17:11

What a juvenile tedious twat.

You have my sympathy being married to someone like that.

Actually this puts what I mean in clearer terms

roarfeckingroarr · 17/06/2023 17:26

Maybe I feel so strongly because my father is the best human I've ever known (outside my own babies) who plays a huge role in my DC life emotionally, physically and financially,

NameChangeSorryNotSorry · 17/06/2023 17:28

I actually am team DH. Not all day but ‘a few hours’ - so a significant amount of the day. He probably has some hard feelings as he doesn’t have a dad around. Recently (kids age 5 and 3) DH has sort of realised Mother’s Day is kind of about me as well as his mum and we always make sure we see her but it doesn’t dominate the whole day as it did before.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/06/2023 17:29

I’m with him. I see my dad on the Saturday normally, this year he’s away so I’m seeing him next week. Father’s Day itself is about DH, the father in this family.

It can be really hard for people with estranged or arsehole parents, I don’t think it would kill you to be a bit more considerate and see your dad a different day.

Mrsweasleysclock · 17/06/2023 17:30

Maybe keep the Sunday for him and see your dad on Saturday instead. It obviously bothers him and to me seems like an easy fix. Then each person gets time with you without the guilt/bad feelings.

BasiliskStare · 17/06/2023 17:30

I am not sure Father's Day ( if you choose to do something ) is only for active parents . My parents live too far away for a quick visit so they get a card and a phone call. But he is your father so unless you are spending the whole day there I think popping round with a card and for a cup of tea is not unreasonable. If you spend the whole day - maybe less so

bibbityboppityboo · 17/06/2023 17:31

SnapPop · 17/06/2023 16:57

I know that everyone has their own traditions and meanings around this kind of day, but personally I think that Father's Day is more about my DH (as father of our DC) rather than my dad or my FIL. Similarly on Mother's Day I'd expect more of a fuss to be made of me than of my mum or MIL. I just feel that the person with young DC who is being the current, day to day parent is the one who this sort of day is about.

So, I'm with your DH.

Pretty much this!

We currently visit MIL / FIL / my mum on mothers and fathers days. My BIL doesn't, he just tends to go around that day as he's a father so they have their own traditions now they're a family unit with DC.

When (if!) we have DC we will probably stop the on the day visits to our families and just see them sometime around the date.

modgepodge · 17/06/2023 17:38

Im sort of with your husband on this to be honest. I don’t have a mum any more, and if my husband insisted on spending Mother’s Day with him mum I’d be a bit miffed. Thankfully he just sends her a card and flowers and we have a day as a family. On Father’s Day I send my dad a card and a present and have a family day focused on my husband. I am of the opinion it’s for parents of children really, and until those children can take responsibility for making the day nice it’s on the other parent. That’s how it works for us anyway!

ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 17/06/2023 17:45

I’m with OP on this one and I never had a relationship with my ‘dad’

Mother or Father’s Day imo is about celebrating whoever plays that role for you. DH isn’t your father so of course you should see and spend time with your dad but the kids should stay and spend time with him. Same for Mother’s Day, let him go and see his mum and the kids stay with you (if that’s what you want to do).

Just because he is a father now does not mean your dad doesn’t get to have a day or hours about him. Does DH expect not to see his kids when they become parents themselves on those special days?

gettingoldisshit · 17/06/2023 17:55

billy1966 · 17/06/2023 17:11

What a juvenile tedious twat.

You have my sympathy being married to someone like that.

This 😂

Caroparo52 · 17/06/2023 17:59

This for several reasons

ScientificallyProcessedCrisps · 17/06/2023 18:01

Does he not want his children to visit him on FD when they are adults?

SleepingStandingUp · 17/06/2023 18:02

What happens on mothers day?

BookLover7777 · 17/06/2023 18:03

Your dad had xx amount of Father's Days with you before you got married – would it really hurt to make the day just about your DH for once?

mayorofcasterbridge · 17/06/2023 18:05

Bigwildorange · 17/06/2023 16:38

Just that really, DH has no contact with his Dad and doesn’t see him on Fathers Day. DH always has cards and presents from our children and I cook him a special breakfast. He has always had an issue with us going to see my DF on Fathers Day and says that Fathers Day is never about him. We don’t spend the day there, just a few hours but it always sends DH into a mood. Tomorrow we can’t as the kids are ill (possibly infectious) and I didn’t want to pass anything onto my parents. Told DH that I feel guilty that we won’t be going over and he said the usual “it’s never about him (DH)on Fathers Day. AIBU? It’s normal to see parents on Mother’s Day and Fathers Day etc? I do understand that this day brings up difficult feelings for those who aren’t in contact with their dads etc. DH bares a lot of resentment towards his Dad.

Tell the sulky, petulant twat that he's not your fucking father!!!

YouveGotAFastCar · 17/06/2023 18:05

I think Father’s Day is mostly for fathers who are still in the trenches, and especially in his circumstances, it’d be reasonable if you to see your dad the day before or the day after.

Sunnydaysareuponus · 17/06/2023 18:05

Regardless of how many years op has seen her df he is still her df and dh still a dh... Dh can take over parenting for the day.

. Op can see her df.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 17/06/2023 18:06

I think you should go and see your dad and let him spend time with his DC celebrating Fathers' Day.

I don't think it's fair that you expect him and the DC to spend the day with your dad.

BookLover7777 · 17/06/2023 18:07

Sunnydaysareuponus · 17/06/2023 18:05

Regardless of how many years op has seen her df he is still her df and dh still a dh... Dh can take over parenting for the day.

. Op can see her df.

Yeah right. I can just imagine the MN reaction if a woman said her DH wanted to leave the kids with her for the entire day on Mother's Day so he could visit his mum! 😂

redskytwonight · 17/06/2023 18:09

Let's consider the following thread ...

"My mum lives overseas so I have no contact with her on Mothers' Day. On Mothers' Day I get cards and presents from the DC and DH makes me a special breakfast. But then we have to go and spend the bulk of the day with MIL. Every year. Just for once, I'd like Mothers' Day to be just about me. AIBU?"

TomatoSandwiches · 17/06/2023 18:10

I'm presuming no one forces your husband to go with you to see your father so YANBU, can he not just stay at home with his own children?
I don't think it's wrong of you to see your dad at all, your husband sounds resentful and selfish.