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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think sometimes gentle parenting is taken too far?

238 replies

GPgonewrong · 17/06/2023 15:34

This week I’ve spent a few days with friends, their baby and son who’s almost 4. I have DS who is a few years older.

They gentle parent (which I also do, to an extent) but it means their toddler never hears raised voices, I didn’t ever hear “no”, everything was dealt with through a compromise or sitting down with him. All sounds fine, until you experience the behaviour. He bounced on every single chair and sofa, constantly pulled out furniture, wouldn’t sit down for a meal, eating little bits and buggering off running round, never ate a full meal but fed on demand. He shoved me out of the way several times, complained every time he was explained to why he shouldn’t be doing that, which he shouted back “NO! You can’t say that”. Completely unable to share, always snatching off the other kids, and didn’t say goodbye when we left. He is almost four but still won’t play nicely, instead his idea of play was destructive, throwing things around and knocking things over.

AIBU to think it’s gentle parenting taken too far and no discipline? Or maybe a separate issue?

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 17/06/2023 15:39

He’s going to find school an interesting experience……

Littleme2023 · 17/06/2023 15:39

GPgonewrong · 17/06/2023 15:34

This week I’ve spent a few days with friends, their baby and son who’s almost 4. I have DS who is a few years older.

They gentle parent (which I also do, to an extent) but it means their toddler never hears raised voices, I didn’t ever hear “no”, everything was dealt with through a compromise or sitting down with him. All sounds fine, until you experience the behaviour. He bounced on every single chair and sofa, constantly pulled out furniture, wouldn’t sit down for a meal, eating little bits and buggering off running round, never ate a full meal but fed on demand. He shoved me out of the way several times, complained every time he was explained to why he shouldn’t be doing that, which he shouted back “NO! You can’t say that”. Completely unable to share, always snatching off the other kids, and didn’t say goodbye when we left. He is almost four but still won’t play nicely, instead his idea of play was destructive, throwing things around and knocking things over.

AIBU to think it’s gentle parenting taken too far and no discipline? Or maybe a separate issue?

Absolutely! There’s gentle parenting and just plain old lazy parenting!

Children need boundaries as well as love, understanding and patience and that includes hearing the word NO often.

I work with children and it’s very clear which ones don’t hear no very often at home. It’s a short sharp shock for them when they enter the education system and can’t do what they want, when they want. They often really struggle to make friends because they’re simply unpleasant. It’s such a shame.

TizerorFizz · 17/06/2023 15:43

@GPgonewrong This sounds like NO parenting! School will be a horrible experience when he starts. For him and the teacher. It’s doing him a great disservice to not correct poor behaviour. When we have encountered Dc like this, we avoid in future. Definitely not welcome in our house. If we see the parents, it’s for a meal out with no DC! Having said that, very few were totally awful. Parents can obviously parent how they wish but I don’t have to witness it!

Two spectacular outcomes of this style of parenting was Dc doing drugs and another in prison. No parent ever said No. So Dc did what they wanted. With awful consequences.

flightless55 · 17/06/2023 15:46

That's not gentle parenting that's passive parenting ... ie. Not parenting!

CharlieCoCo · 17/06/2023 15:48

i find a lot of the times, the kids who never hear the word no, say it a lot themselves ironically.

Anotherblueday · 17/06/2023 15:49

Would be great if people knew what gentle parenting was before criticising it.

CamelCaseLetter · 17/06/2023 15:50

Yes, that's not gentle parenting at all. It's permissive parenting (lazy can't be arsed parents) and I imagine it's got to be damaging for the child.

Original poster
GPgonewrong · 17/06/2023 15:50

Tbf to them he did occasionally have toys taken away (after several warnings) for playing inappropriately with them, but the behaviour was just manic, they just moved onto the next thing to mess about with. Hasn’t encouraged me to go round again!

OP posts:
Bluevelvetsofa · 17/06/2023 15:50

That’s a child who will find school a very difficult place to be. I’d lay money that his parents will blame the school too.

Pooterlie · 17/06/2023 15:50

I'm a gentle parent. I use persuasion and compromise and have never really told my DD off (and neither has her dad). Her behaviour is really excellent at home and at school. Our house is not stressful. Mind you, if her personality was different our parenting would probably adapt to that although I like to think we would always try to be gentle.

CurlewKate · 17/06/2023 15:53

That's not gentle parenting.

getreadywillyou · 17/06/2023 15:54

Thanks for posting this OP. I've met quite a few parents this time around (I have a 22 year old son and a 2 year old daughter) who do not say no or challenge their children.
I had one of them over this past weekend and she told him to stop jumping on the sofa once and he ignored her. She didn't bother to tell him again until he fell and hurt himself. I was aghast. They say stop once and then leave them to or after that.
I always made sure my son didn't disrespect anyone's house and I made sure he stopped all bad behaviour with a stern speaking to. I'm raising my daughter the same way but so many others are on this gentle parenting hype.

Original poster
GPgonewrong · 17/06/2023 15:56

Pooterlie · 17/06/2023 15:50

I'm a gentle parent. I use persuasion and compromise and have never really told my DD off (and neither has her dad). Her behaviour is really excellent at home and at school. Our house is not stressful. Mind you, if her personality was different our parenting would probably adapt to that although I like to think we would always try to be gentle.

That’s the same with me, but DS has always been on the quieter side with a more introverted energy, maybe that’s why it’s been easier for me? I couldn’t cope with this boys chaotic energy at all, I wouldn’t allow jumping all over furniture and climbing onto windowsills in my house but they seem okay with it?

OP posts:
TookTheBook · 17/06/2023 15:59

🤪 Why have you called this "gentle parenting" OP? It sounds like shit parenting. Just another stick to beat decent parents with by claiming this kind of thing is gentle parenting.

Soproudoflionesses · 17/06/2023 16:02

Sounds like piss poor parenting to me

switswoo81 · 17/06/2023 16:02

Saw a meme on social media that gentle parenting works on gentle children and I would agree with this. My first is feral and needs strict boundaries she wouldn't have cared if I used gentle explaining..my second is autistic with a speech delay and it would have been so unnecessary to spend ages explaining because she did not have the language to engage with it

I have taught children who have never heard the word no (I know this because a couple of parents have told me) and school is horrible. There isnt always time for an explanation and sometimes ther isn't one. Just no is enough.

switswoo81 · 17/06/2023 16:03

Horrible for them.

bakewellbride · 17/06/2023 16:05

I had a friend with a child like that. She's 4.5 now and thankfully seems to have outgrown the awful behaviour.

When she had just turned 4 she bloody trashed my house on a play date but my friend never told her off.

ToWhitToWhoo · 17/06/2023 16:06

That's not gentle parenting; that's lack of parenting.

evuscha · 17/06/2023 16:07

Gentle parenting should still mean setting and holding boundaries (just explaining them rather than shouting/punishing) so this sounds like lazy/avoiding parenting. But I get what you mean.

My friend has 2 wild boys, I suspect maybe some ADHD but they never had them diagnosed, but also very much gentle/lazy parented and never told no, including when they threw toys at house guests or broke things or hurt other kids. They ended up getting kicked out of nursery and really struggling at school now (not making friends, being banned from a field trip etc), their family refuses to babysit them, yet my friend never sees anything wrong with their parenting, it’s always “grandparents being unfair” and “school just doesn’t like us”.

I would see myself as a gentle parent too, but I very much follow up with consequences (and it’s often tiring so I get why parents get lazy) and thankfully DD is (mostly) well behaved, if she was rude to people or unruly in public I would be mortified.

SaveMeFromForearms · 17/06/2023 16:07

Kids like this must be bored shitless constantly having earnest chats about their behaviour. Treating them like mini adults is quite thoughtless.

SoccerStars · 17/06/2023 16:08

Some people will say it’s none of your or anyone’s business but it is actually. These are the kids who will likely make the class /playground/parties a nightmare for their peers and teachers. Agree with others this doesn’t sound like gentle parenting.

tothelefttotheleft · 17/06/2023 16:08

Pooterlie · 17/06/2023 15:50

I'm a gentle parent. I use persuasion and compromise and have never really told my DD off (and neither has her dad). Her behaviour is really excellent at home and at school. Our house is not stressful. Mind you, if her personality was different our parenting would probably adapt to that although I like to think we would always try to be gentle.

Why can't you tell a child off? ( my children are adults now).

SouthLondonMum22 · 17/06/2023 16:08

I find 'gentle parenting' to be an odd term anyway. When someone has tried explaining to me what it is, every time it always seems like bog standard parenting to me.

So far, I've found the ones who say 'I'm a gentle parent/I do gentle parenting' the loudest are the ones who are the most permissive and can't bare to tell their child no.

Always4Brenner · 17/06/2023 16:10

Pooterlie · 17/06/2023 15:50

I'm a gentle parent. I use persuasion and compromise and have never really told my DD off (and neither has her dad). Her behaviour is really excellent at home and at school. Our house is not stressful. Mind you, if her personality was different our parenting would probably adapt to that although I like to think we would always try to be gentle.

Yes but I bet you say no and mean it, the word ‘no’ seems to have disappeared for most these days.

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