Nottingham Incident: Relatives should be given privacy, not be expected to attend public events

[tttigress]

Obviously it is hard to imagine what relatives of those killed in Nottingham this week are going through.

But surely the best thing to do is give them privacy, not arrange public events and expect them to attend and even speak?

I guess some might say it's their choice to attend. But if you organise an event and give them the option to attend, they might agree while not being in a fit mental state to make a decision. So therefore best not to have an event.

They can make those decisions for themselves. They don’t have to attend any events but they can if they want to. If you remove the event, you remove their choice.

some relatives may feel that speaking, or just attending, events is right for them. Others will decide not to.

same principle as with funerals in general some relatives will want to stand and read or give a eulogy. Others will choose not to.

they need to do what feels right for them given the circumstances

It's their decision at the end of the day.

As adults they can choose to attend or not attend. They seem to be processing the tragedy by speaking out and attending events. Everyone processes grief differently and some people want to know that their loved one's life meant something in this world.

Yeah but my point is they are in a mentally vulnerable place, and then you are having a camera stuck in your face. This does not seem right.

From what I understand the dads chose to speak at the University vigil

Who is sticking a camera in their faces? Did this happen yesterday, everything I saw before then was very respectful I thought

The fathera choose to speak even when no one expected them to if what I've rad is correct

Their deaths are so meaningless that perhaps this is giving the families some purpose? In the aftermath of a loss some people get really, really busy, others lock themselves away. It's very different for everyone. They'll probably realise they have limited time before this story fades from the headlines so they're probably doing all they can in the time they have in the 'spotlight' to achieve some good.

These public events might be the only thing that's keeping them going at the moment.

Who's sticking a camera in their face?

They could stay home if they didn't want to be interviewed?

People deal with and express grief in different ways. Be thankful you are not in their position. Let them be free to express what feels right for them. Ridiculous and thoughtless thread OP, leave them be.

The point is if you have experienced such a recent trauma. Even if you "choose" you might feel pressured into making the decision, or just generally not be able to think straight.

By the way, I would have thought from my comments I am actually putting the families of the victims first.

Just leave the families alone OP. I find it astounding and just so nasty that people start threads or post on social media criticising the way they are grieving.

Yeah but my point is they are in a mentally vulnerable place, and then you are having a camera stuck in your face. This does not seem right.

A family we know lost a relative in an incident that was very high profile and they would agree with you. At the time they just did what was suggested, they were extremely vulnerable. A few years on, they wish they’d have dealt with things differently as they do feel as though they were exploited and those things are now there forever. They feel it’s added to their pain. I hope the family of this incident don’t feel that way in the future.

I’m finding it quite odd that they’re speaking at these public events. One was the day after the killing. I’d just want to hunker down with my family, but I guess people react differently.

Each to their own

This. I noticed that Barnanbys family and friends seem very outspoken

I cannot understand how anyone would think from my comments that I am criticising the families.

I am critisising the University/Council that organise these events and ask the families to turn up while in a vunerable state. I am also critisising the media, I really would not like to be filmed soon after a child of mine died.

Totally agree with all you have said

I found that odd, too. I suppose the terrible reality might not have hit them yet.

This thread is terrible, almost picking on the families and questioning their motives for speaking out about their wonderful, beautiful children they have lost, that have been murdered. How dare you question why, at this horrendous time, they would want to speak out. This thread needs to be pulled.

It’s absolutely none of your business, and it’s extraordinary to suggest that they cannot make decisions for themselves. People make decisions under all sorts of pressure all the time. Their grief doesn’t invalid their right to make choices.

If you’ve lost a child it’s perfectly reasonable to feel you want to connect to people, and to make sure your child’s life isn’t in vain by taking about your experience to celebrate your child and to hope it will help build a sense of community and encourage people to take practical action to try and prevent such a thing happening again.

What on earth is the matter with you??

I find it strange, the first thing on my mind certainly wouldn't be to give a public speech about love and tolerance, but we're all different.

I hate Grief Policing. No one should be shoving a camera in their faces, but they are dealing with this the way they want to.

You are suggesting that no one would have made the decision the families would have made without coercion. That is both patronising and suggests their decision has been poor. So yes, you are criticising them.

They wouldn’t have been pushed to do anything, but their choice to do what they did is perfectly normal valid.

As for media coverage - I imagine they wanted that to feel some purpose. And as you have consumed it yourself, why do you object?