Nottingham Incident: Relatives should be given privacy, not be expected to attend public events

[tttigress]

Obviously it is hard to imagine what relatives of those killed in Nottingham this week are going through.

But surely the best thing to do is give them privacy, not arrange public events and expect them to attend and even speak?

I guess some might say it's their choice to attend. But if you organise an event and give them the option to attend, they might agree while not being in a fit mental state to make a decision. So therefore best not to have an event.

But I think I am showing empathy.

If this happened to one of my loved ones I would want to curl up in a ball and not leave the house. I know everyone grieves differently but I think 90% of people would be the same/ similar to me.

RE: Funerals. I have "spoken elequently" at the funerals of a couple of grandparents, while at the same time feeling like I was dying inside and not wanting to be there. Again I think must people are similar to me in this regard.

You’re not. Hope that helps.

Those two fully grown adult men chose to speak at that event through their own volition. I think it was incredibly brave of them to do so and their speeches about their children were eloquent, heartfelt powerful and deeply moving. There was absolutely no suggestion whatsoever that they were coerced into being there or were somehow reluctantly speaking.

You have absolutely no right to police their grief or decide how and where they should be present in public.

This is not showing empathy, this is saying, “this is how I’d react so other people should react that way too”.

Brianna Ghey’s mum was interviewed the other day and said she was really lifted by the support of the community after her daughter’s murder and really felt the love that was being shared. Until she came on Mumsnet and saw how people were talking about her family. Maybe think on that?

I will stop commenting then.

But all I will say is that it will take 2, 3 or maybe even more years for the families to really know if they wanted to be put in the position by the event organisers.

Yeah well maybe they're the 10% that want to show publicly how much their children meant to them.

FFS. Do not ever ever ever criticise grieving parents for the method of their grief.

You've no idea how you might feel or react unless you've been in that situation. Stop judging.

You have assumed they were put in that position by the "event organisers" - but do you have any evidence for that?

I lost a close friend and colleague to suicide whilst we were studying for our PhDs. I know from firsthand experience that nothing the University organised around that terrible incident was done without fully engagement and agreement with the family.

I agree. There's a really clear subtext here, that the families are not grieving 'right'

In one line you say you’ll stop commenting - then in the next you CONTINUE to judge and comment.

If this happened to one of my loved ones I would want to curl up in a ball and not leave the house.

You don't know this. Hopefully you never will find out.

There is likely a significant link with Nottingham being a place where their children were happy & living their lives, some distance from their family homes. Being there & meeting other young people & being close physically to where their children were is providing comfort.

Of course we can see the unprocessed grief & shock they are in. The poor younger brother of Barnaby who was shaking the other day as his parents spoke, God love him.

A friend of mine lost her young adult son in horrendous circumstances. The weeks after his death she spent meeting his friends & colleagues, it seemed to bring her some comfort. She had the equivalent of a party one evening, with a houseful of his friends - I think she needed to be close to their youth & 'aliveness'.

SoTired12 I'm sure that wasn't the first thing on the families' minds. I personally totally understand why they attended the event. It was to remember the victims and let everyone be united in their grief. When I lost my mum very suddenly I wanted to talk about her to anyone that would listen. Barnaby's father said how his son would have been so touched to see so many there. I thought the members of the families spoke very eloquently and gave positive messages like look after each other and don't judge the person responsible based on race etc.

This. The support of other people might be helping them.

I’ve read what you’ve written OP, and am finding your comments increasingly upsetting.

And yes, in reply to your post one or two before this one, yes, grieving does make people vulnerable. Which is why it is so so nasty to start posts criticising people for not doing it in a way you personally consider to be acceptable.

It is horrible to think about it - but it is you who are saying you are uncomfortable with hearing the voices of the families, you who are suggesting it’s not appropriate they speak in public so people can listen to what they want to say about their loved ones. It is you who are suggesting it’s somehow unacceptable that they be ‘visible’.

They’ve lost children. If they want to shout from the rooftops, listen to them. Leave them alone.

They weren't 'put' in that position.

There were going to be vigils & ceremonies in any case. Maybe some families would not have attended.

They had the choice to do so. I would suspect, having listened to the very articulate words from all 4 parents, that they strongly wanted to speak & share details of their children - Barnaby's mum talked about how he wasn't as tall as his brother & all sorts of mundane facts but which made him who he was.

We went no comment when we had a similar tragic circumstance. We released statement with the photo but noone knows what the family looks like so we can go about our business without anyone realising. Even attending a memorial event where quite a few people didn't even know who we were or our relationship.

Each to their own. Everyone grieves differently.t

And I am now reporting this threat because I’m worried those grieving may see it and the OP’s comments

tttigress I expect the families did feel like they were dying inside but I'd imagine they found some comfort in all those people coming together to pay their respects and remember their loved ones

@Iguessyourestuckwithme

I'm very sorry for the loss you experienced 💐

With all due respect op, you keep saying "if this happened to me I would..."

You have no fucking idea, clearly.

You can sit and think what it would potentially be like, but you just cannot predict, imagine or comprehend at all.

The families were invited to talk about their loved ones, and they chose to do this, to tell the world about them so they aren't just a photo and a sad story anymore. That's a massively positive thing for many people.

To suggest that they aren't in their right minds for wanting to share a little about their loved ones is insulting, and your instance that you know better is offensive and unfair.

Good idea. I find it quite upsetting myself. I cannot imagine how I would react in those circumstances. People grieve in their own way. I have the utmost respect for those parents and am sure they have a choice in whether they attend events or not.

Urgh this thread is fucking awful, patronising shit. Have a word with yourself ffs and just stop. Go and have a lie down or something.

I think I understand what you are saying OP: the well-meaning but misguided actions of others are putting pressure on the family to appear in public when you suspect most people would prefer to be grieving in private.

They are both pillars of their local communities, speak up, and speak well. How about you leave them to it. There was no need to create this thread.

I completely agree with you. It's not anyone else's place to comment on what they need to do to get through this horrific time. I'm so sorry you have also been personally affected by this. I can't even begin to imagine what you and the family are going through 💐