I'm just too tired for my DH and I know it's going to blow up again soon

[gogaah]

I've recently returned to work from maternity leave. ( new job ).

I've got child care covered for my 1 and 3 year old.

My H is self employed, extremely busy and out of the house or on business trips, most of the time.

He's never there for getting the kids up in the morning or dinner / bed time at night. I work from home only, which does help.

H is here for 1 day at the weekend with us and occasionally 2 days. He's on business trips a lot, that take him away for 1 week at a time.

Anyhow, even when he is here- he doesn't get in until after the kids have gone to bed. Ever.

This would all be fine, but the kids have been torturing me recently at night time. The one year old wakes a couple of times a night and the 3 year old sometimes wakes up and is just awake for a few hours and keeps wanting me to soothe her back to sleep. To say I am shattered is an understatement.

I often fall asleep with them at 8-8:30. My husband gets annoyed if I do this too often, because he wants to be entertained / see me too. I'm finding it so difficult. I dread him coming home and just wish I didn't need to worry about him too.

I've been unwell recently a lot too and it's just a lot for me to keep going. At the weekends I also have no energy, especially when I'm alone with them. I don't take them out nearly enough, because it's so exhausting for me. Anyway, it's been a tough couple of weeks. Early bed times for me, no intimacy for my husband and just generally pulling through somehow.

I can accept life is like this at the moment. The only thing dragging me down is my H complaining about how he never sees me/ I'm never intimate with him and how he's just eating dinner alone a lot.

But his schedule can't change right now and neither can mine. So why can't he just accept that this is the sacrifice that has to be made for now ? Unless he closes his business ? We haven't argued a lot lately and I'm feeling like soon he's going to blow up about it again. I just don't feel at peace.

@Lifescary I agree. We are finding it hard to make any time for each other. The relationship is not being nurtured. But it's my belief that this is a normal thinh with young kids and our schedules and that we can survive it. I can. I am just surviving day to day at the moment. If the marriage isn't top priority at the moment, then I am ok with it. Im just surviving.

He thinks differently and needs more of my attention and I just don't have the energy to be waiting on him hand and foot every night in sexy underwear.

I have also gained a lot of weight from all the stress eating and this hugely contributes to all my problems

OP, I would suggest you have some counselling to help you deal with your people pleasing need. Your husband is a selfish man who treats you as the help.

I would sit him down and read to him (maybe with edits) all you have written here and tell him he needs to listen and not interrupt. I think this is a make or break point for your marriage TBH. You cannot be expected to shoulder the whole family burden, work and be there for his entertainment.

If he chooses to not hear and take on board what you have to say then I don’t think your marriage has a future and I would be taking steps to find out where you stand financially if/when you divorce.

OP, I have sent a PM. Therapy is hugely useful, because this is a pattern.

Turn the tables on him and start getting on at him got never being there, leaving you to do all the childcare, housework, life admin etc as well
as a full time job, while all he does is worry about himself and his job. When he is home he should be taking up the slack to give you a break. The fact he doesn't and gets angry with you for not spending time with him or giving him sex, when you're exhausted is actually pretty disrespectful and utterly selfish. He isn't seeing anything from your viewpoint at all or thinking about your needs, it's all about him, and that isn't a partnership.

Don't have a fight about it; speak to him. Tell him how much you are struggling and you are losing yourself. Discuss increasing the nanny's hours and spell out what you need. Tbh he probably feels isolated from you and is missing you - if he's only home a short period of time and you aren't there (completely understandable!) but in bed etc then I can see what he means. This is the sort of thing that needs sorting as it is a relationship killer.
And no, I don't think you should give him sex just because he's there, not what I meant....

I don't expect the marriage to be top priority at difficult times like this and it certainly would be wrong, weak and foolish of you to be waiting on him hand and foot in sexy underwear, but if you do want the marriage to survive as you said in your first reply to me, then it might be a good idea to try and enjoy Father's Day tomorrow.
Bacon and eggs, a selection pack of beers and cards from the kids. Most men are happy with that and it might just kick start some better times.

I think if you want to remain in this marriage then it's in his and your interests for you to change the situation so that your needs are met. Right now you are in the haze of caring for young children and it's just about survival. Your husband is treating you badly and you're just looking at it from the viewpoint of how can you make the conflict go away. But your husband's behavior is doing a lot of damage to your marriage that you aren't seeing because all you are seeing is today's emergency of avoiding a blowup. You won't see the damage until the haze of 24/7 childcare/housekeeping lifts, and you realize how much your husband has treated you like a thing to be used, instead of as his beloved wife. At that point, the damage may be irrecoverable.

I understand being someone who has trouble speaking up for herself. But if you want to protect your marriage then you do need to speak up, and you need to act.

You talked to him about complaining about his missing socks and something changed. So that tells you that you can do it. You can stand up for yourself and get results. So now you need to keep that trend up.

Writing out each of your schedules is one way to do it. Or just quietly keep track of the time each of you spends, for one week. He may not like this. He may accuse you of bean counting. I would just say, if you are spending equal numbers of beans, why is he mad that you should count them? Only people who know there is an inequality and an injustice in their beans, accuse others of bean-counting.

Alternately, you may find that he is spending more time on family work than you were aware. That will make it easier when it comes to finding time to spend together as a couple, as it will be easier to argue that both of you are overwhelmed and you need to start paying for more services so that you can squeeze in time for each other.

I'm not necessarily against the idea of doing something special for Father's Day, but I would ask OP whether her husband did anything for her on Mother's Day.

Fight for your marriage by all means, OP, but make sure it isn't you doing all the giving and him doing all the taking. He strikes me as a taker.

@Lifescary he's not here tomorrow. Also, he did absolutely nothing for me for Mother's Day. Not one Mother's Day since I've been a mother has he even acknowledged it. I kind of made a joke of it when my DD was younger, but this year she was 3 and I was disappointed he didn't even explain it to her / get her to say happy Mother's Day. Two wrongs don't make a right though, so I'll get my DD to say it on video for him or something.

@gogaah can you do me a favour write down your nannies salary and your nursery fees. Add these together. Now write down your nett salary after all deductions.

Then deduct the nanny and nursery pay from your nett salary.

Whatever the total is divide ➗ that by your hours worked.

The total of that will be your nett hourly wage.

What are you earning per hour now??

What? The nanny's wages should be divided in half. Only half is the responsibility of OP. The other half is the responsibility of the children's father.

You probably have very high expectations of yourself and when you feel you're not meeting them, you feel bad. And your husband is basically saying you're not being a good enough wife and that activates your insecurities, the inner self-critical voice - I'm not meeting his expectations - I'm not good enough - Maybe he's right - I should do better.
So the rational part of you is saying, he's not being fair at all, but the 'insecure' part maybe feels, you need to be good and obedient and put everyone else first and all that stuff....

May I ask why you're asking this ?

Such a good response here OP!

What are you earning per hour now??

OP - Do not respond to this question! 🙄

He sounds like a prince among men. What does he do to "woo" you and make you feel even slightly interested in intimacy? Anything? Anything at all?

Hi, I hear you. It is hard being a mom of littlies. I have a 3 year old, 1 year old and pregnant with baby nr 3. It is tiring. I don't know if you'll take this to heart, because it is easier to just hear the opinions of those who agree with you. But I genuinely feel you could try to make time for your husband as well. I'm pretty sure you don't have to do this every night, but it is really important to put your marriage first. Could you do reduced hours? 4 days per week. Your children will greatly benefit from a strong and stable marriage between their parents. You can say this sounds harsh, but just as you make time for putting the babies to bed etc, you have to make time for your husband. Yes this is a hard season, intimacy is not possible 3 to 4 times a week. But one evening? Two evenings a week. I once heard "the biggest gift a parent can give their kids is to love each other'. I'm not saying its not hard or your husband should not be more understanding (he should), but we can only give you advice and in the end you can only change your behaviour not hubbys. I also think we think ' ahh it will get better in 2 years and then we'll continue the intimacy - but what about the hard 2 years, you don't want to neglect your marriage for 2 years, then you won't get that 'better time' because there will be no more marrige to come back to. These threads often strengthen the poster's resolve in that she's right and then no constructove change happens in the marriage. I'm sending loads of hugs, but would really urge you not to put your marriage last the whole time. I get that you think you put it first, some of the time, but I want to challenge that.

I feel really sad reading your posts, OP. You deserve so much more from your husband. You are understandably utterly exhausted and he is just sitting by and letting that happen…and actively contributing to it.

I know that you don’t want to leave your marriage but I hope that you have people in your life supporting you and telling you that you’re amazing. I don’t think it’s possible to stay in the sort of relationship you’re in and not have your sense of self gradually ground down to nothing so please try to surround yourself with good people who will help to lift you up.

To the poster above me, why doesn’t the douchebag husband reduce his hours so that he can actually contribute to his marriage and his family? Why should the OP make yet another sacrifice and reduce her earnings/financial independence? I totally disagree. He’s the one who’s checked out and isn’t present.

I wasn't going to but I don't understand the question around it ? Am I being a bit thick or just really tired.

VOMIT to the poster saying put your husbands needs first etc etc etc. BLEUGH

I think they’re trying to prove you earn not much after childcare is taken out of your salary (only yours) to point out that it may not even be ‘worth’ working.

"You know what.. it's fair enough for me to go to bed really early again tonight.

I need it. So unlucky for him. No down time with me again."

YAY! Way to go OP!! I am so happy to read this, I can go to sleep happy instead of worrying about you!

This comparison only holds water if the woman in question has taken away her partner's ability to do those nice things, then complained about him not doing those things.
In OPs case, her DH has taken away her ability to stay awake by forcing her to do his share of the domestic labour, then complained that she's asleep and not available for sex!
My baby does this. He's 9 months old. He throws his dummy in the floor then cries that his dummy is on the floor.

@Hollyppp ok yeah that makes sense. I want to work and I need to work for me. Being a stay at home mum is even worse in my situation.