I'm just too tired for my DH and I know it's going to blow up again soon

[gogaah]

I've recently returned to work from maternity leave. ( new job ).

I've got child care covered for my 1 and 3 year old.

My H is self employed, extremely busy and out of the house or on business trips, most of the time.

He's never there for getting the kids up in the morning or dinner / bed time at night. I work from home only, which does help.

H is here for 1 day at the weekend with us and occasionally 2 days. He's on business trips a lot, that take him away for 1 week at a time.

Anyhow, even when he is here- he doesn't get in until after the kids have gone to bed. Ever.

This would all be fine, but the kids have been torturing me recently at night time. The one year old wakes a couple of times a night and the 3 year old sometimes wakes up and is just awake for a few hours and keeps wanting me to soothe her back to sleep. To say I am shattered is an understatement.

I often fall asleep with them at 8-8:30. My husband gets annoyed if I do this too often, because he wants to be entertained / see me too. I'm finding it so difficult. I dread him coming home and just wish I didn't need to worry about him too.

I've been unwell recently a lot too and it's just a lot for me to keep going. At the weekends I also have no energy, especially when I'm alone with them. I don't take them out nearly enough, because it's so exhausting for me. Anyway, it's been a tough couple of weeks. Early bed times for me, no intimacy for my husband and just generally pulling through somehow.

I can accept life is like this at the moment. The only thing dragging me down is my H complaining about how he never sees me/ I'm never intimate with him and how he's just eating dinner alone a lot.

But his schedule can't change right now and neither can mine. So why can't he just accept that this is the sacrifice that has to be made for now ? Unless he closes his business ? We haven't argued a lot lately and I'm feeling like soon he's going to blow up about it again. I just don't feel at peace.

It has taken me 18 months of therapy to work out why I did it. Grow up in an environment where you are trained to be the peace keeper, problem solver and generally a "good girl" who doesn't rock the boat.

Become a very capable, relatively high achiever, wanting to do the best by her marriage, career, housekeeper, parent. Sucked into a marriage which seems exciting, with a fair amount of love bombing thrown in.

You feel it's your job, and if only you can "fix it", everything will be okay. You know, deep down, it's not, but you doubt yourself constantly. Try to reason with your husband/wife, but they just blame you, or promise to change and then don't.

And then, at some point, you open your eyes and see it for what it is. And you leave. And then you some on mumsnet and try to help others who are only just starting the journey.

It's all a result of low personal self esteem and people pleasing since childhood.

Thank you for being so polite No Squirrels.

Sometimes we just have to go with our gut and mine was giving me the ick about this thread, but you'll be glad that I've said what I've wanted to say apart from I realise I might be wrong and if I am I apologise to you OP. But if I'm right or if I've said something that is partly right I hope it help you solve your difficulties OP.

This is brilliantly put. Read and re-read it, OP, and then have your husband read it!

Chances are he will get defensive, either because he's a selfish arsehole who doesn't want to change or will be trying to avoid feeling guilty about the way he's been behaving without fully realising he's been blindly selfish. The dust will need to settle before you see where it actually leaves you. Ideally he'd discuss it with a third party he respects who will give it to him straight too, but it's infuriated relatively rare that men have other male role models (or women they respect) they'd confide in who both act properly and would be willing to 'get involved'.

His father, mother, sisters might be people to encourage him to talk it over with if they're sensible?

I have several good male friends I've had since school and I've been known to give it to them with both barrels on behalf of their partners (ultimately coming at it from a perspective of caring about them and not wanting them to fuck up their lives) in the past too, so that might be another option.

There's just something about getting an outside perspective and kick up the arse that stops them in their "my wife is so mean/unreasonable" tracks sometimes.

I can’t see where OP would have the energy to consciously opt out of family life (code for opt out of the relationship, obviously, because she’s not opting out of the children), nor to consciously opt in either, to be fair: she’s working and doing the nights and doing all the other stuff, that’s the absolute treadmill, day after day like swimming through custard. It’s easy to say “leave” or “blow up at him” but summoning the energy and the mental wherewithal and the decision-making faculties when you’re in this relentless 24/7 phase of needy children and no sleep, is tremendously difficult.

I would absolutely want to leave my partner if he behaved like this – I’m currently on maternity and slogging through the million night wakings with the baby as well as older DC and several
days a week where DP is away, the thought of also having to present myself for unwanted sex to avoid a blow-up, or having a grace period, is giving me a visceral horror – but I also know leaving would feel beyond my abilities until I got some sleep, a break, some distance from the relentlessness.

OP, I would make the decision to leave, even if you can’t practically/emotionally/mentally do anything about it right this second. But imagine the freedom of knowing yourself that it’s over, you’re done, you don’t have to try any more. You can let his anger and complaining wash over you, you can go to bed early every single night because there’s no marriage to salvage, you can keep you and your kids together and just mentally check out on DH until your kids start sleeping and you can start getting ducks in a row. But deciding – it’s like a little mental holiday for yourself.

I am really sorry for your situation. And of course it's not as simple as ltb. Would it help for you to get some counselling alone to try and work things through in your own mind? And I'm sure you're already doing it but dose your little one with calprofen before he goes to sleep, that helped hugely with mine when teething!

But you are the only one making the sacrifices!

Minus the sex pest stuff you’re experiencing, my DP used to work abroad Mon-Fri, on and off on contracts for several years. After DC2 came along, I had been back at work FT after mat leave in a new sector and pressured role for several months before I gave him an ultimatum. I put it in writing and texted him an essay. It was only then that it all changed and he stopped working abroad and started his own business in the same field. DC1 was a lot older but it was still tough. No family help. We’ve since had DC3. I work PT mostly from home now and DP occasionally travels abroad for business.

You need childcare to cover more than just your working hours and you need the cleaner to do all housework including laundry. Plus a Gardener if necessary, or you’ll run yourself into the ground.

And DP continues to allow me to sleep in where possible on the weekend. Sleep deprivation will age you fast.

@Lifescary I do want to stay in my marriage tbh.

I think this is a difficult period, because of our jobs and the ages of our kids and no family help. I can deal with doing everything. If he could just stop complaining about my inability to meet all his needs at the moment.

If he just accepted that this is a tough period for us, but in the grand scheme of life, it's not that long. I think a strong marriage can survive this and more.

To the poster asking if he's come up with any solutions. During our most recent heat to heart, I did get him to understand how hurtful it is that be often complains about the standard of cooking, cleaning and laundry. Rather than getting stuck in and helping out, he quite often had a go if there was no dinner ready or he couldn't find socks. He has stopped doing that. So that's at least something.

Oh, so he's one of those men who thinks you should work a full workweek and do a full week of housework and also do all the childcare. By magic, I suppose. And if you fail to do that, he gets to complain that he can't find his socks instead of you complaining that he didn't do his share of the housework (which, if he did his share, maybe he could find his socks?) Root cause: he doesn't think he should have to do a share of the housework. Root cause of THAT: you are lesser in the marriage.

Here's a hint. If you are married to someone who doesn't share the workload of the gruntwork and also blows up on you when you are too tired to have sex because you are doing all the gruntwork, then you are not in a strong marriage.

It's your life though, you can do as you please. Sounds as if you will just keep doing what you are doing. That's your right.

Why are you expecting to do all the work and all the entertaining?

He's not your manager, he doesn't get to complain.

I just don't think I'm strong enough to leave. I am not even strong enough to come away from an argument with him and not feeling wrong. I know logically I'm right, but there's this uneasy voice inside that says I'm the one in the wrong. Every time. In every argument, with pretty much anyone. It really, really sucks.

I do argue and I am strong in the moment, but I always walk away feeling wrong. If I divorced him, it would be so hard for me not to think it's all my fault and I've failed. That would be really difficult to live with.

I'm curious if your standards have always been so low?

Least he doesn't complain anymore that he (a grown ass man) can't find HIS socks.

JFC

I get not wanting to leave him, maybe. But just ask yourself. What does he actually contribute to your,and your childrens, life? Other than money.

Have you always had the uneasy voice critiquing you or has it come along only since, for instance, getting into a relationship with your husband?

I am not even strong enough to come away from an argument with him and not feeling wrong. I know logically I'm right, but there's this uneasy voice inside that says I'm the one in the wrong. Every time. In every argument, with pretty much anyone. It really, really sucks.

And this is why I've developed an unhealthy thing with posting on here. Because people either verify you're right or they verify you're wrong. It does give me strength, but I know I shouldn't need to ask.

It was there before too.

Gogaah, thanks for replying to me. I'm glad you want to stay in your marriage.

I hope your DH isn't the ogre that most of the posters on this thread are encouraging you to believe him to be.

I'm sure your husband is missing sex and he should be far more grown up about that, but I think he is missing his wife too. Young children are the most important part of a family, but you and your husband are also part of that family and some of your love and your time and his love and his time need to be given to each other.

I think a lot of commenters are forgetting that men need sex a lot more than women to feel a connection, my partner recently expressed this to me (we have children similar age but I’m a stay at home parent) he works 8-6 mom-fri so we have more time together and he does help but I fall asleep very early as i am up in the night and he said it feels like there’s a distance between us when we haven’t been intimate and he struggles with the “room mate phase” whereas im in mum mode so much I forget and yes he shouldn’t be demanding it but how do women feel when partners don’t pay compliments/take them on dates/send sweet texts for two three weeks at a time, you’d notice!

oh sweet lord Jesus wept. so your happy he has stopped complaining about dinner and his socks? he is a grown ficking man he can cook dinner he can sort his own ficking socks. please stop with this low standards for you. you deserve so much fuckin better

Have you considering counselling for yourself? It may help to have an outlet and consider your critical voice to your self, may also help you realise how unfair your situation is. Is there a practical source of help like Cook frozen meals or an option to get a cleaner? If he doesn’t like paying for it he could clean up after himself.
also, starting a new job is a tough time, trying to find your way in a new role, company etc. I think he should be supporting you much more than he is. Even an acknowledgment of how hard things are would be something.

Not whinging that someone working, wrangling the children and housekeeping hasn't produced the perfect meal whilst he sits on his arse is a pretty damned low bar of acceptance.

Why did he not start doing his share when you told him this? Of course he doesn't want to go to counseling - he doesn't want to be told he is self centred bully who dumps all the load on you.

Whose idea was it to economise on help with the house and children to "save"? Get more help, if he doesn't like it then he can haul himself out of bed and do a bit of cleaning and parenting of his own house and children.

Strong marriages can survive a lot. Its not a strong marriage if one partner is carrying all the load just so the other can lie in bed and complain about not being entertained. He sounds more like a spoilt teenager than a husband and father. He is also teaching your children that women do the double shift to pander to lazy men.

Is this a joke

I have had counselling in the past and I'm looking for someone at the moment. Seems hard to find. I reached out to someone recently but didn't like the vibe. I'll keep trying but just haven't prioritised it at the moment.

There is a great podcast I'd reccommend, I found it very supportive both dealing with the needs of small children, and a difficult relationship.
Victoria Albina feminist wellness. It helped me understand where I was at in terms of codependency, people pleasing, influence of the patriarchy. It helped me get stronger.

Also this book The Heart-Centered Woman's Guide to Healthy Boundaries: Discover the Upward Spiral That Can Save Your Life, Heal Your Relationships & Break the Cycle ... Success (Heart-Centered Healthy Boundaries) https://amzn.eu/d/4Cq2CNe

Her analogy about driving cars , wow it fits.

And then the classic Glennon Doyle Untamed - blew me away. I read it over and over.

I'm sorry you're in this difficult situation. Trust that things will get better. You will get ever stronger, it's what parenting gives back to you.

Oh please - this is an adult man perfectly capable of doing his share and knowing exactly why she is exhausted. He is selfish.

If he "needs" more sex then he knows what he can do - the best aphrodisiac with small children is a partner who pulls their weight and the odd night of decent sleep.

There is online counselling easily available these days. Better help has a great system which includes journalling as part of it.