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Original poster

I'm just too tired for my DH and I know it's going to blow up again soon

451 replies

gogaah · 17/06/2023 13:09

I've recently returned to work from maternity leave. ( new job ).

I've got child care covered for my 1 and 3 year old.

My H is self employed, extremely busy and out of the house or on business trips, most of the time.

He's never there for getting the kids up in the morning or dinner / bed time at night. I work from home only, which does help.

H is here for 1 day at the weekend with us and occasionally 2 days. He's on business trips a lot, that take him away for 1 week at a time.

Anyhow, even when he is here- he doesn't get in until after the kids have gone to bed. Ever.

This would all be fine, but the kids have been torturing me recently at night time. The one year old wakes a couple of times a night and the 3 year old sometimes wakes up and is just awake for a few hours and keeps wanting me to soothe her back to sleep. To say I am shattered is an understatement.

I often fall asleep with them at 8-8:30. My husband gets annoyed if I do this too often, because he wants to be entertained / see me too. I'm finding it so difficult. I dread him coming home and just wish I didn't need to worry about him too.

I've been unwell recently a lot too and it's just a lot for me to keep going. At the weekends I also have no energy, especially when I'm alone with them. I don't take them out nearly enough, because it's so exhausting for me. Anyway, it's been a tough couple of weeks. Early bed times for me, no intimacy for my husband and just generally pulling through somehow.

I can accept life is like this at the moment. The only thing dragging me down is my H complaining about how he never sees me/ I'm never intimate with him and how he's just eating dinner alone a lot.

But his schedule can't change right now and neither can mine. So why can't he just accept that this is the sacrifice that has to be made for now ? Unless he closes his business ? We haven't argued a lot lately and I'm feeling like soon he's going to blow up about it again. I just don't feel at peace.

OP posts:
Todayiamkitty · 17/06/2023 22:03

Maia77 · 17/06/2023 21:48

You probably have very high expectations of yourself and when you feel you're not meeting them, you feel bad. And your husband is basically saying you're not being a good enough wife and that activates your insecurities, the inner self-critical voice - I'm not meeting his expectations - I'm not good enough - Maybe he's right - I should do better.
So the rational part of you is saying, he's not being fair at all, but the 'insecure' part maybe feels, you need to be good and obedient and put everyone else first and all that stuff....

@gogaah this

pointythings · 17/06/2023 22:05

I agree with @Hollyppp . Absolutely do not give up work. You need your financial independence. I am so sick and tired of women on these threads who only think of the men and encourage the women to make all the sacrifices. 'Men need sex' - yeah, so men should behave in such a way as to make their other halves want sex with them! 'Change your behaviour but don't expect your husband to do the same' - pass the bucket! Why is it that men don't have the same responsibility towards maintaining their marriage as women?

Some posters on this thread should be ashamed of themselves for encouraging OP to continue to enable her useless uncaring husband.

Groutyonehereagain · 17/06/2023 22:06

I’m so sorry @gogaah but your DH is actually abusing you. The signs are all there. You’re losing your confidence about coping and dealing with arguments, classic signs of emotional abuse.

You have to leave him, it will only get worse. This happened to my sister, she lost all her confidence, developed an eating disorder and died weighing five stone. It was never physical abuse, just emotional.

MySoCalledWife · 17/06/2023 22:09

Behind every wife who's gone off sex, is a husband who does not pull his weight as a partner

So he has needs... what about YOUR needs?

Your need for support, and love, and appreciation and respect?

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 17/06/2023 22:10

aloris · 17/06/2023 21:48

What? The nanny's wages should be divided in half. Only half is the responsibility of OP. The other half is the responsibility of the children's father.

OP - You should only contribute half towards all bills if you are both earning a similar wage and both sharing half of the childcare and/or housework.

As you are both working FT, you should ideally both be contributing a percentage of your salaries towards all bills, depending on your income disparity.
As it seems you are doing the remainder of the childcare outside of your working hours and all the household tasks with your H doing none - your financial contribution to the bills should be reduced further to reflect this. Charge him for your labour if he can’t or won’t step up to do his fair share. But, you clearly and obviously should not be taking on the remainder of the childcare and housework alone, whilst also working a FT job. This would not be fair. So, you pay for more help and your H steps up when he’s not working. Your relationship will be over soon enough if you continue like this.

MoreCoffeeAndCake · 17/06/2023 22:16

@Maia77 makes some good points. It sounds like you're feeling bad for not being a good wife, when your choice to go to bed early is 0erfecgly understandable jn the situation you're in.

You're right in the thick of it at the moment with the ages of your DC. Can you have the nanny stay on for an hour longrer a few times a week and she/he can sort food for DC? Can you get decent ready meals, like Cook frozen meals? Do you have a cleaner?

You only need the extra help for a year or so. There's no point saving now (I assume you have a savings pot built up already), when the money could be better put to use in making your life easier and getting you through the next year. It's not for forever and you can go back to saving afterwards.

Pearlsaminga · 17/06/2023 22:31

Why is it that men don't have the same responsibility towards maintaining their marriage as women?
they do have the same responsibility but many of them will duck out of it if they can, when you live with a man that gives him the opportunity to keep up a background level of intimidation in order to wear you down, this means he is able to reap all the benefits of the relationship & push all the costs onto her.
Men are highly predisposed towards exploiting and preying on women, it's a bad idea to trust them bc that gives them a green light to abuse & exploit.

Rainbowrocket234 · 17/06/2023 22:43

Things will only improve if your DH is willing to put the effort in. I say this as someone who’s in a similar position to you e.g. does all the night feeds but also gets up with baby and does bedtime. Some posters have suggested you make time for your DH and marriage but how on earth do you do that when you simply do not have the time and do not have the energy?! This isn’t your problem and you aren’t the only parent and adult in your home. I don’t have the answers sadly but I just want to say that it’s not on you to fix this

aloris · 17/06/2023 22:51

ThroughGraceAlone · 17/06/2023 21:54

Hi, I hear you. It is hard being a mom of littlies. I have a 3 year old, 1 year old and pregnant with baby nr 3. It is tiring. I don't know if you'll take this to heart, because it is easier to just hear the opinions of those who agree with you. But I genuinely feel you could try to make time for your husband as well. I'm pretty sure you don't have to do this every night, but it is really important to put your marriage first. Could you do reduced hours? 4 days per week. Your children will greatly benefit from a strong and stable marriage between their parents. You can say this sounds harsh, but just as you make time for putting the babies to bed etc, you have to make time for your husband. Yes this is a hard season, intimacy is not possible 3 to 4 times a week. But one evening? Two evenings a week. I once heard "the biggest gift a parent can give their kids is to love each other'. I'm not saying its not hard or your husband should not be more understanding (he should), but we can only give you advice and in the end you can only change your behaviour not hubbys. I also think we think ' ahh it will get better in 2 years and then we'll continue the intimacy - but what about the hard 2 years, you don't want to neglect your marriage for 2 years, then you won't get that 'better time' because there will be no more marrige to come back to. These threads often strengthen the poster's resolve in that she's right and then no constructove change happens in the marriage. I'm sending loads of hugs, but would really urge you not to put your marriage last the whole time. I get that you think you put it first, some of the time, but I want to challenge that.

This man doesn't care about his wife. He can't even be bothered to get her a simple mother's day card. He's seeing his wife be utterly exhausted and instead of pitching in to take some of the load, he is complaining at her for not being interested in sex. And she should cut her work hours? No. She would just become more vulnerable to him.

Msmbc · 17/06/2023 22:54

Please please respect yourself OP, your husband is treating you horrifically. Imagine your daughter describing relationship like this when she's older, how would that make you feel? This won't turn into a strong marriage when the kids are older because your husband is a selfish sexist man who does not treat you with any love or respect. This is NOT your fault, you haven't failed at anything, you have worked incredibly hard to give your children a happy upbringing and his behaviour towards you is all about him, not about anything you've done wrong. Please seriously consider if your life would be happier without him xx

Budikka · 17/06/2023 22:58

You poor thing. You write very eloquently. Maybe you could tell him you've penned a few thoughts as you express better in writing - and hand him what you have just written here (with a few minor edits)?

NowItsLikeSnowAtTheBeach · 17/06/2023 23:04

He's boiling a frog ... you're the frog

ChaliceinWonderland · 17/06/2023 23:11

I was you 4 years ago, I left my exdh for these reasons. F
Eventually you will breakdown,.. just leave !

Cornishclio · 17/06/2023 23:23

God he is acting like a toddler. How dare he moan you have no time for him when he does nothing to help you. Getting up at 10am when you are having disturbed sleep is not on. I would not put up with it. Tell him you will have time to spend with him when he pulls his weight around the house. Spoilt, selfish man.

Crikeyalmighty · 17/06/2023 23:29

@gogaah the sex pest stuff isn't needs, it's 'wants' - it's not like he's going to self combust if it doesn't happen. Maybe if he actually put effort in To actually care for his house and parent his children you might feel more in tune about this -

Crumpleton · 17/06/2023 23:39

The only thing dragging me down is my H complaining about how he never sees me/ I'm never intimate with him and how he's just eating dinner alone a lot.

Never sees you?
You need to remind him that its not you that's never at home, even when doing your work job you're always at home.

I can understand if he's working away because he needs to and can't change things right now but a reminder that the DC are also there all the time, you can't magic them away on the day/days he is at home.

Maybe suggest he gives a bit more help on those days whether that be doing DC bathing, bedtime or preparing/cooking a meal for the two of you so you can feel a bit more relaxed and less like a zombie.

TBF it's knackering juggling DC, work and all the other things inbetween that some people think just happen to happen, negotiating life with all that mainly on your own doesn't leave much energy in your tank for anything else.

lottiegarbanzo · 17/06/2023 23:41

I can deal with doing everything. If he could just stop complaining about my inability to meet all his needs at the moment.

You're wrong about this. You can't deal with doing everything, or its consequences. You're sabotaging yourself, your marriage and your chances of happiness by setting yourself with impossible expectations.

He complains because you accept doing everything. Don't accept the expectation, then you don't have to accept the complaints.

NoSquirrels · 17/06/2023 23:51

He thinks differently and needs more of my attention

He thinks different and WANTS more of your attention.

Which he could have, if he pulled his weight and gave you some of what you want too.

It’s actually not all that hard. But it dues require both of you to truly believe that you are equal partners and have equal responsibilities domestically and as parents.

There’s a lot of guilt coming through in your posts, OP. And you don’t need to take that on.

Sarahtm35 · 18/06/2023 00:07

If I were you I’d tell him that if he wants a wife who has the energy for sex then he needs to be a better provider.
His business must be crumbling if you’ve had to go and find a new job with a 1 and 3 year old.
you’re doing amazing OP and he has no right to put yet more pressure on you. It’s down to HIM to sort this out not you.

justasking111 · 18/06/2023 00:08

gogaah · 17/06/2023 21:50

May I ask why you're asking this ?

Show quote history

Yes of course. Because I was in your shoes. I sat down and did the maths myself and discovered after paying out for everything we were paying for me to earn some pin money. So I took a step back looked at my work life balance and realised that I was burning out. So I quit working until the youngest started school. Now in Wales it's much better 30 hours free childcare for 3-4 year olds but then it wasn't available.

OH was happy we were all happier. I saved money on food and we ate better.

It's just a thought. I calculated my bosses hours once she was working 60 plus hours a week and earning less than the minimum wage when I worked it out for her. She reassessed her job and quit. Damn I lost a lovely boss but her health improved and she found the love of her life.

justasking111 · 18/06/2023 00:11

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 17/06/2023 21:52

What are you earning per hour now??

OP - Do not respond to this question! 🙄

Is your name @gogaah .🍩

justasking111 · 18/06/2023 00:13

OH and paying a nanny to care for only one child is lovely for her but she ought to be caring for two.

BelieveThemtheFirstTime · 18/06/2023 00:42

justasking111 · 18/06/2023 00:11

Is your name @gogaah .🍩

Show quote history

Are you salty?

Erm, this is an online public forum. Are you the Thread Police?

Even though this is an anonymous forum, you are cheeky asking OP to share her hourly rate. Even OP queried why you were asking!
You explained the process/formula for working out a figure, but there was no need for you to request any figures, as I’m sure OP and every other pp reading this thread can work out their own calculations without sharing their financial information with randoms on the www. As your username denotes, you’re just bloody nosey!
It was neither necessary nor appropriate to ask that question. That level of detail is not relevant and is none of your business.

NicLondon1 · 18/06/2023 00:53

Just on a practical note - I think you should consider nursery for both children 9am-5pm, then hire a Nanny to help you in the evenings 5-8pm!
That is the hardest time; managing dinner, bath,bedtimes etc

obviously ideally your husband needs to change his working hours to help you then (even if he then works late into the night once the kids are asleep).

Also to tackle the broken sleep - try calling The Millpond Sleep Clinic for a consultation, they also have a v useful book ‘Teach Your Child How To Sleep’

mathanxiety · 18/06/2023 01:22

He complains that he never sees you, does he now...

I think you need to turn this around. Tell him the problem is that he is never home to be a parent to his children, whom you are therefore dealing with single handedly, and if he thinks this isnt exhausting then he is welcome to spend a week dealing wading through the crap all on his own, night and day, and see if he's up for offerjng pleasant conversation at 9 o'clock at night when you return from your week in a hotel somewhere.

Complain that you never see him, and ask him what he's going to do about leaving you to single handedly deal with parenthood, literally 24/7/365.