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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Incident in bar

82 replies

Orangetree34 · 17/06/2023 13:06

Not sure what the AIBU is here but I'm just shocked by what happened and questioning if I acted OK or if there was nothing I could do here.

Out with friends and go up to the bar by myself to order drinks for my round. Its a long bar and not that busy. I'm roughly right in the middle of it and to my left about 2metres away there is another couple already waiting.

Bar tender finishes last customer and then automatically looks at me to ask what I'd like. I obviously wasn't first in queue but due to being right in the middle of the bar and in easier view I assume he'd not seen the couple.

I immediately indicated left and explained the couple was before me so it was there turn.

However, the very fact bar tender had assumed I was first had really angered the man in the couple and he proceeded to imply it was due to racism (the couple were black, me white, bar tender white) and commented that it was no surprise 'the white woman got served first' despite he and his wife waiting patiently.

I made a shocked face when hearing myself referred to as 'the white woman' and realising what he was implying. Man from couple saw and proceeded to explain they'd been waiting a while, to which I replied ' I know, that's why I told him you were first.'

Bar tender was trying to explain that it was just a misunderstanding etc but couple had had enough and got up and left without buying any drinks. Not sure if they went to the manager to complain or not.

This happened in a major city in UK that is diverse etc so not some backward town.

I don't wish to invalidate couples feelings if they genuinely felt race was at play but at the same time, I wasn't attempting to queue jump them at all or use my 'white privilege' and bar tender was very apologetic and looked horrified at suggestion he was being racist. When I heard race being mentioned as being motive for the incident, I actually felt sick and like I shouldn't say anything or get too involved in case they got more offended.

What else could have been done aside from explaining they were first??

I don't know what happened before I got to the bar so maybe things went on I didn't see.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 17/06/2023 13:14

Maybe the man waiting had had a few drinks already/had a bad day. Maybe itd happened to him in other bars that day and it was the straw that broke the camels back. Could be anything really.

I don't think he was implying anything bad of you, surely he was implying the bar tender mightve been racist, not you?

Don't worry about it. I had it at work once where someone said "is it because I'm black?" when I asked him an innocuous question. I didn't like his implication and told him so at the time. However, he didn't know the reason I asked the question, just like I don't know why that was his first thought either.

Flocider · 17/06/2023 13:18

It sounds like it was geared more toward the bar tender. Its a hard job to be honest and not unusual for being to get annoyed if you don't see who arrived at the bar and in what order (not saying its right though). You did the right thing I'd try and forget about it.

Sertadopt · 17/06/2023 13:20

If it was about race - and I guess we will never really know what was in the bartender’s mind, consciously, or subconsciously - then that is an example of white privilege. You didn’t use your privilege as a white person but you could have and surely that’s what the idea of privilege is all about, having access to opportunities others don’t.

You didn’t do anything wrong. And it’s understandable that you felt uncomfortable. But calling out racism is an uncomfortable task so good for the guy if he felt that’s what it was. Sorry you got caught in the crossfire.

warblingwater · 17/06/2023 13:20

There is literally nothing you could have done better so I urge you to not dwell on it

Sigmama · 17/06/2023 13:20

It is horrible not being seen at a bar

MinnieEgg · 17/06/2023 13:20

What else could have been done aside from explaining they were first??

Nothing. The couple weren't expecting you to do or say anything.

TheFlis12345 · 17/06/2023 13:22

You didn’t need to do any more, his anger was aimed at the barman not you.

DrManhattan · 17/06/2023 13:23

I don't see what you did wrong. I wouldn't think about it anymore xx

Original poster
Orangetree34 · 17/06/2023 13:24

I guess there's no use dwelling on the what ifs, I think I just felt so horribly uncomfortable and I'm someone who hates confrontation so even though it wasn't really aimed at me, didn't like being dragged in as 'the white woman'

OP posts:
Meerkitkat · 17/06/2023 13:26

So a couple feel that they have been ignored because of their race and you're making it all about you? 🙄

ChasingMusic · 17/06/2023 13:27

You couldn’t have done anything else.

Unfortunately, this does happen, and if this man had dealt with if in the past, and he most likely had, I can see why he was annoyed. When you deal with this sort of shit every day, it’s draining.

DrManhattan · 17/06/2023 13:28

@Meerkitkat what are you trying to achieve with that comment?
In a packed bar the staff don't always see who is next, why does it have to be about race?

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 17/06/2023 13:31

Absolutely nothing for you to do or that you should have done.

Confrontation was between the bartender and the couple, you were just a bystander.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 17/06/2023 13:36

His anger wasn't aimed at you.

gannett · 17/06/2023 13:40

Meerkitkat · 17/06/2023 13:26

So a couple feel that they have been ignored because of their race and you're making it all about you? 🙄

I agree with this comment. This incident wasn't about you and nor was anything bad directed at you.

I'm mixed-race and while I know that being a bartender is a thankless job, many, many times I suspect I'm being overlooked at bars due to race and sex. It sucks, and really puts a dampener on your night.

I feel sorry for the couple who were victims of racism, or felt they were due to this incident presumably being one of many.

I don't feel sorry for the OP and am not sure why she's making this about her delicate feelings.

OneFrenchEgg · 17/06/2023 13:42

I used to work bars, you remember the sequence if you are any good. With only two people waiting I suspect the couple were right.

SeeIt · 17/06/2023 13:45

You couldn’t have done anything else.

Unfortunately, this does happen, and if this man had dealt with if in the past, and he most likely had, I can see why he was annoyed. When you deal with this sort of shit every day, it’s draining.

This.

Why make a thread? You know you did the right thing by saying they were there before you.

You acknowledge you didn’t see what had happened previously. You know racism exists. You must be aware that this sort of things happens and surely can understand it would be annoying and upsetting.

I think you want people to come on and minimise racism, say this doesn’t happen etc. No doubt the usual racist minimisers snd apologists will turn up soon. 🙄

Sapphire387 · 17/06/2023 13:48

I mean, in that particular situation it could be either. Unconscious/conscious racism or just an innocent mistake by the bartender. The problem is that it seems to happen so often, it may well upset people and make them wonder. I am white so I appreciate this doesn't happen to me because of my race, but I hear these stories pretty often from friends who are not white. I don't think there is anyone else you could have done, though I appreciate it wouldn't have been pleasant to be caught up in it, and there is the side issue of being a woman caught up in male anger, it's not straightforward in that sense.

Sapphire387 · 17/06/2023 13:49

**anything

PuffinsRocks · 17/06/2023 14:03

This is a situation where you need to just sit with your discomfort if ever I saw one.

whynotwhatknot · 17/06/2023 14:06

No you didntdo anything wrong-the bartender made a mistake thats all i think the man went ott

ive been ignore plenty of times at a bar

JupiterFortified · 17/06/2023 14:07

I get overlooked all the time waiting to be served. I’m white. Maybe I’m just ugly or too old 😅

Lifescary · 17/06/2023 14:16

It is a shame that the man forgot to thank you which he should have done whatever then happened between him and the barman.

It is difficult to know whether the barman was racist. Some barmen serve women fist. Some barmen serve men first. Some barmen are racist and serve white people first. As a PP said, good barmen remember the correct order which reduces stress and removes racism and the perception of racism.

SerendipityJane · 17/06/2023 14:39

On a related note, am I the only person (apart from the OP) who tries to indicate to the bartender who was after me in a queue when you are at crushed bars like that (usually a concert where time is limited before the show starts) ?

By the reaction I get (and the fact I have never seen anyone else do it) I suspect it's an oddity.

dickheed · 17/06/2023 15:38

The man was implying the bar tender was racist, not you.
You did nothing wrong there - you told the bar tender that they were before you.
The man might experience this kind of thing regular. Who knows whether the bar tender was racist or not, or prefers to serve single women first, or whether he genuinely did not see them. Don't make this about you, because it isn't.