Incident in bar

[Orangetree34]

Not sure what the AIBU is here but I'm just shocked by what happened and questioning if I acted OK or if there was nothing I could do here.

Out with friends and go up to the bar by myself to order drinks for my round. Its a long bar and not that busy. I'm roughly right in the middle of it and to my left about 2metres away there is another couple already waiting.

Bar tender finishes last customer and then automatically looks at me to ask what I'd like. I obviously wasn't first in queue but due to being right in the middle of the bar and in easier view I assume he'd not seen the couple.

I immediately indicated left and explained the couple was before me so it was there turn.

However, the very fact bar tender had assumed I was first had really angered the man in the couple and he proceeded to imply it was due to racism (the couple were black, me white, bar tender white) and commented that it was no surprise 'the white woman got served first' despite he and his wife waiting patiently.

I made a shocked face when hearing myself referred to as 'the white woman' and realising what he was implying. Man from couple saw and proceeded to explain they'd been waiting a while, to which I replied ' I know, that's why I told him you were first.'

Bar tender was trying to explain that it was just a misunderstanding etc but couple had had enough and got up and left without buying any drinks. Not sure if they went to the manager to complain or not.

This happened in a major city in UK that is diverse etc so not some backward town.

I don't wish to invalidate couples feelings if they genuinely felt race was at play but at the same time, I wasn't attempting to queue jump them at all or use my 'white privilege' and bar tender was very apologetic and looked horrified at suggestion he was being racist. When I heard race being mentioned as being motive for the incident, I actually felt sick and like I shouldn't say anything or get too involved in case they got more offended.

What else could have been done aside from explaining they were first??

I don't know what happened before I got to the bar so maybe things went on I didn't see.

You didn't do anything wrong, OP. However, as a person of colour, I can relate to how the couple felt. It is frustrating and draining. Believe me when I say that being overlooked/ignored happens alot. Sometimes we let it go and sometimes something needs to be said. The response: Shock, disbelief and 100% denial.. followed by dont use the racism card!

Have you worked as a bar tender?

As you often have your back turned when making drinks, then it's not unusual to not know who was next.

People often migrate to wards the middle as they wait, so you just go to the middle of the bar and hope that person has the manners to point you in the right direction if they weren't there first.

I usually found that the person was indeed honest just like the OP and pointed you in the right direction! And I also liked to think that karma would strike anyone who was dishonest!

It's really awful to be accused of racism when there is no racist intent at all.

I'm not doubting genuine cases of racism, but it's important to not to play the racism card when in a scenario like this, the bartender would have asked the person in the middle regardless of the skin colour of the people waiting to the side of the bar, especially in a multicultural area where the majority don't give a flying fuck what colour someone's skin is.

The couple weren’t blaming you so why are you making it all about you?

The fact is things like this happen all the time to BAME people, just because you live in a diverse city doesn’t mean these micro aggression don’t happen.

It’s happened to me a few times and I am too busy dealing with my own feelings when it happens, I wouldn’t have the time to worry if a bystander was ‘horribly uncomfortable.

You do have privilege here, OP. You will stop dwelling on this but for people on the receiving end of this, they have no choice to relive it repeated.

It’s important not to play the racism card? 🙄

How about it’s important to realise you weren’t there and acknowledge the bar tender may or not have been unconsciously biased. The couple felt bad enough to leave, so think they know better than you what they experienced.

Given that no one is going to admit to being racist it is so difficult to challenge such racism effectively. It can often be counter-productive, particularly if the challenge is made by an angry and/or rude person. In this instance, it is a shame that the customer alienated the OP, his ally.

I'd just forget about it. It's a complete non issue. People get angry in pubs all of the time, I'd just move on and enjoy my time with my friends.

I read people on here saying they are ignored at the bar because they are female and of a certain age (50+). They are completely convinced they are invisible. Others are convinced it’s because they look too young, are too small or just not male. This guy is adamant it’s because he’s not white. I think everyone has their own explanation
for things in life. I’ve no idea what’s true.

Bar tender was trying to explain that it was just a misunderstanding etc but couple had had enough and got up and left without buying any drinks.

Or, the guy or his partner were so mortified by his baseless rudeness that they made a hurried exit.

I'm going to go out there and suggest if he did deliberately serve you first (whether he did or didn't who knows) it's probably because you were a woman on her own 🤷‍♀️

Not more female privilege?

The bartender very well may have served you first intentionally. It’s not your fault and it’s not something you can control. The anger was directed at the bartender.

im white, but I’m also a woman who tends to get ignored at bars. I just don’t have the right look I guess. Once you notice that many bartenders have an obvious bias, it becomes very hard not to see.

not some backward town.

That's an odd line.

So in a city, racism is unexpected but typical in 'a backward town' - whatever that might be?

It's hard to believe you are making this incident about you, when it's nothing to do with you at all.

Have you heard of 'death by a thousand cuts'?

Day in, day out dealing with 'benefit of the doubt' situations, more frequently than your white friends ever have to. Being stopped in shops, asked to show your receipts, etc.

'The straw that broke the camel's back' is also relevant here. Should the guy have gone off? No. But sometimes people reach the end of their tethers.

White fragility

2bazookas the OP never said that the bartender was rude to the couple.

In mixed race and have worked in a bar for 7 yesrs of studentdum. Depends what side the barman came from, did he actively walk past the black couple to get to you. Or was he doing what most bar staff I've ever worked with do which is work their way from one end of the bar to the other and then back up again.

In not sure who else has worked in bars commenting but honestly you become customer blind and just focus on efficiency and walking less to help speed yourself up.

Very provocative, but happily not a racist insult because white people have never been oppressed

Me too, well it used to. I have a toddler now so I don't go to the pub anymore.
But I definitely waited way longer at the bar to be served than others ...

I’m not sure any of what the man said was aimed at you. And there is nothing more irritating that being ignored at the bar.

This sums things up. This was just not about you and they didn't even accuse you if anything.

It's interesting that your default is to believe the bartender could not have been racist rather than believe the couple that it might be, based on their experience or what you didn't see.

Many posters on here have a very distorted view of working behind a bar. I did loads of bar work in my youth, and I didn’t give a shit what people looked like. It made no difference to who I served first. Either it’s an empty bar in which case you just turn to the next person you see. Or it’s crowded and you just try and have a vague idea of which faces have been there longer.

They probably experience this a lot and jumped to an understandable, if incorrect conclusion. Not your fault, or even the batman's fault.

Neither did I. The person who was rude, was the man who left.

As a very short white woman who has pretty much never been seen at bars even when I was young, busty, and reasonably attractive, I personally wish they'd all just use the order at table apps. I have always dreaded buying a round if I have had to try to make myself seen at the bar, especially urban ones, so using the apps was like entering a different world.

You don't know what was going on in the couple's life or what had previously taken place that day but I don't think they were getting at you, you behaved as you should and told the bartender they were before you in the queue.

Do the couple know if they were the victims of racism? They clearly thought they were, but might they be wrong?

If the OP who was present hadn't seen anything that suggested racism it would be harsh of her to condemn the barman of such a very grave crime (if it isn't a crime it should be - serving white people before black people. Surely, it must be a crime it would be an abhorrent thing to do).

Perhaps the OP should have kept an open mind and kept a poker face rather than being shocked when she was referred to as 'the white woman'. Which I suppose the man would have to do if he was trying to make the point that he had been the victim of racism. So perhaps it is the OP's fault after all.

We can keep going round in circles because we don't actually know what happened. Yes racism is awful and is far worse than being wrongly accused of being racist. But that doesn't mean that being wrongly accused of racism isn't pleasant. And it is hardly unreasonable to defend a false allegation although I suspect some people would be shocked into silence.