Incident in bar

[Orangetree34]

Not sure what the AIBU is here but I'm just shocked by what happened and questioning if I acted OK or if there was nothing I could do here.

Out with friends and go up to the bar by myself to order drinks for my round. Its a long bar and not that busy. I'm roughly right in the middle of it and to my left about 2metres away there is another couple already waiting.

Bar tender finishes last customer and then automatically looks at me to ask what I'd like. I obviously wasn't first in queue but due to being right in the middle of the bar and in easier view I assume he'd not seen the couple.

I immediately indicated left and explained the couple was before me so it was there turn.

However, the very fact bar tender had assumed I was first had really angered the man in the couple and he proceeded to imply it was due to racism (the couple were black, me white, bar tender white) and commented that it was no surprise 'the white woman got served first' despite he and his wife waiting patiently.

I made a shocked face when hearing myself referred to as 'the white woman' and realising what he was implying. Man from couple saw and proceeded to explain they'd been waiting a while, to which I replied ' I know, that's why I told him you were first.'

Bar tender was trying to explain that it was just a misunderstanding etc but couple had had enough and got up and left without buying any drinks. Not sure if they went to the manager to complain or not.

This happened in a major city in UK that is diverse etc so not some backward town.

I don't wish to invalidate couples feelings if they genuinely felt race was at play but at the same time, I wasn't attempting to queue jump them at all or use my 'white privilege' and bar tender was very apologetic and looked horrified at suggestion he was being racist. When I heard race being mentioned as being motive for the incident, I actually felt sick and like I shouldn't say anything or get too involved in case they got more offended.

What else could have been done aside from explaining they were first??

I don't know what happened before I got to the bar so maybe things went on I didn't see.

No @Lifescary the OP didn't know either way. I just find it interesting she didn't seem to consider it might have been or that there are reaons the couple thought it was. Definition of white privilege. But either way she's busy being all upset at being called a white woman.

I don’t think saying ‘no surprise the white woman got served first despite me and my wife waiting patiently’ and then leaving is making ‘a false allegation’.

Or are you saying BAME people can never put into words what they’re experiencing?

Even if the bartender didn’t knowingly serve OP first, don’t you think this was a good reminder to always check our unconscious bias?

Equally, maybe this is a reminder to go stand in the middle of the bar instead of standing off to the side and then expecting the bartender to notice your arrival and your place in the queue.

First, I have not said it was a false allegation. I don't know whether it was or wasn't. If the barman hadn't been racist but he was wrongly accused of it, then in my book, it is a false allegation.

Secondly, from what I do know I believe that the man was implying that the barman was racist (serving the OP first when the couple had been waiting longer.) Whether the barman did it deliberately or through unconscious bias is irrelevant as unconscious bias is still racism. So from what I know, and its second hand, of this incident there was an allegation of racism.

Thirdly, I am not entirely sure what you mean by: "Or are you saying BAME people can never put into words what they’re experiencing?" I think you are saying/implying that I am objecting to BAME people saying what they are experiencing. I am not saying that, but I know that all people, can be mistaken about what they think they are experiencing.

Sounds like a shit barman if he needs people to stand right in the middle, as it sounds like there were just 3 people at the bar, and the couple were just 2 metres from OP.

You objected to the couple speaking up and said ‘it is hardly unreasonable to defend a false allegation’.

When I heard race being mentioned as being motive for the incident, I actually felt sick and like I shouldn't say anything or get too involved in case they got more offended.

This is disingenuous.

It's not about your precious delicate feelings.

You saw one moment of their life.

For all you know these things could happen all the time and this time, although potentially a misunderstanding, could have been a straw that broke the camel's back situation.

Agree that this is not about you in any way and it would be best to just apply a little empathy here.

Maybe he is, not everyone is good at their job but they have bills to pay so have to carry on regardless. Some people have disabilities that mean they find multitasking more difficult than others and he needed his full concentration to get the drinks order he working on correct. Maybe he had things going on his life that meant he zoned out for a minute and didn't notice the people behind him. I mean there are a whole host of reason he may not of noticed the people behind him.

I worked in a bar for a while, I was shit at it, I hated it. It's not some big moral failing like you are making it out to be. You can't count(there were at least 4 people at the bar, the person he was serving before the OP, the OP and the couple) but I'm sure you are good at other stuff.

“Lifescary · Today 14:16
It is a shame that the man forgot to thank you which he should have done whatever then happened between him and the barman.”

Having made such a crass comment, you should really examine your own thoughts on racism.

Why should the male customer be grateful to the OP?

I’m pretty sure that he didn’t ‘forget to thank’ the OP!

…and we STILL wonder why societal understanding of Black people’s experiences haven’t moved on?

OP - if you genuinely felt sick, as you say, have you stopped for a moment to place the couple at the centre of the encounter, and prioritise how THEY may have felt. This really wasn’t about you!

1. You are wrong. I certainly don't object to anyone speaking up or out against racism. If you think that I have said or implied that please quote my post.

I do think that it can sometimes be counter-productive to speak out against racism that you cannot prove. And while I accept that injustice provokes anger in the most reasonable of people, speaking out in anger can also be counter-productive. Sometimes losing your temper, however justified, doesn't win you battles and friends. What I am trying to say is pick your battles and don't alienate your friends.

2. In my post at 19.30 I did say that it is hardly unreasonable to defend a false allegation. I had thought it was obvious to any careful reader that I was speaking generally. One of the things that make it obvious is I began that short paragraph with: "we can keep going around in circles because we don't know exactly what happened". Another of the things that make it obvious is I also say in that paragraph that racism is far worse than being wrongly accused of racism but nonetheless someone who is wrongly accused of racism is entitled to object.

Some people will have had so many bad experiences it has altered their behaviour.

Some people have a massive chip on their shoulder and jump to the worst possible conclusion any time they can.

Some people have had a shitty day and aren't thinking straight.

Some people are just cunts.

Some people are genuinely experiencing something unpleasant that you haven't noticed because it doesn't affect you.

Whichever this was... its not about you and whilst it is horrid to be caught in the crossfire of any confrontation or upsetting situation... you did nothing wrong.

Lazy bar tender, just looking to serve who's directly in his eyeline. Nothing more than that. Bet you wish you hadn't bothered posting now though OP, with all the shit you've had directed at you.

Have your own different opinion, fine. Nope, none of my comments are ‘wrong’ just because they differ to your views.

Of course you are entitled to your opinion, but when you say I said something that I didn't say then you are wrong.

I didn't object to people speaking out against racism. You said I did. You were wrong.

Yes, you're spot on. Time to exit the thread.

Yanbu...I'd have been same as you being labelled as "white woman" ..... you did all you could and you shouldn't have been caught in the crossfire x

The couple may have been right. You have no idea. You can't assume the bartender is or is not racist.

Anyway, in relation to you, there was not much of an incident as you were peripheral really.

I thought it was common sense to move to the middle of the bar/close to the bar tender? Why would you wait at the edge?

Why has everything got to be some sort of privilege? Whys there always got to be some sort of malicious intent seen in every single action of people.. its exhausting 😴 maybe he just saw her first and didn't know who had been waiting longest? There always has to be an issue with some people 🙄

I agree.

I was being mischievous. MN usually believes in male privilege not female privilege.
Although a barman serving a woman first because he fancied her, would probably be accused of harassment by many.

You’re making up shit. Nowhere did I say that. Perhaps that’s what you inferred from what I did write.

Cant have any kind of meaningful debate when people make up shit.

Again… no wonder there’s not enough progress in racism debates

Tell me you're white without telling me you're white 🙄