AIBU to ask how to deal with this?

[DilemmaDelilah]

Over month ago we had my two grandchildren overnight. I love them to bits and we try very hard to make them comfortable and to feel at home, but I freely admit that I find it difficult sometimes. We are getting on a bit and neither of us are in very good health. I also believe in good manners, including good table manners, and I am quite strict.
To set the scene - I had the week before had to see my GP, and she had referred me to a two week wait appointment at the hospital, which was due just a few days after we had the children, so I was very stressed and more cross with the children when they misbehaved than I would normally be. The eldest (12) was being particularly obnoxious, and I did something I thought right at the time but which my daughter considers unforgivable (not physical violence and not dangerous). On dropping the children home I told her what I had done as I knew she wouldn't like it. I realise it was wrong.
The week after, I was diagnosed with cancer. I messaged my children to let them know, no response from that daughter. I had some items of school uniform for one of my grandchildren that I was sewing name tags on and dropped them over, but she wouldn't even look at me and certainly hasn't thanked me. I have tried to contact her on numerous occasions but she won't take my calls so I couldn't even tell her how sorry I am.
Last week.she sent me the most awful letter - telling me what a terrible mother I had been, listing awful things I had done and how she had made allowances for me but wasn't going to do it any more. It was so very hurtful and I cried all afternoon. I replied to tell her how sorry I was for everything - no response. I know I wasn't a very good mother when my children were growing up and I have apologised to my children for that several times, but I always tried to do my best, it just wasn't good enough. I really struggled, we were very poor, I wasn't happy in my marriage and my upbringing meant that I always felt that I wasn't good enough so I set myself, and my children, impossible standards. Despite that I thought I had managed to do quite a good job, but I obviously havent. I have also tried to support my children now they are adults, without interfering, and that has been at considerable cost (not so much financial, more mental and time) to myself.
The letter was so very hurtful, I have apologised, I still wake up crying and the pain from that and the worry about my daughter is way more than my worry about my cancer, but she still won't talk to me.
I don't know what to do now. She obviously wants something else from me but I don't know what that is. If I did know what it was I would do it if I can. I start chemotherapy next week, my mental resilience is already very low and my physical resilience will be severely depleted. I have to be strong for my husband, who isn't well himself, I need my daughter back and I don't know how I am going to manage. It's not that she does things for me, because usually it is us that is doing things for them, I just want my (previously) lovely daughter back.

What did you do to your granddaughter?
It is key to getting an honest response.

As above, really cannot comment on this when you miss out the most important information.

I told them that it they carried on doing what they were doing in the car on the way back I would make them walk the rest of the way home. They did - and I did. For context, they are 12. They walk to school and back. This was the same route and less than half the distance. They were home in just a few minutes.

There is definitely more to this that what you've admitted to.

I'd love your daughters side.

On the face of it she is being unreasonable. But I don't believe your version of events is the whole truth

if you did exactly what you said then your daughter is massively overreacting. I can’t help feeling there’s more to this then meets the eye though.

Ate you minimising what you were like when your daughter was young? We’re you very tough? Do you think you can have been a bit neglectful?

I don’t know how to handle it other than to be prepared to sit down with her and have a long heart to heart about your own role as a parent. But for now I would leave her and let her stew.

I don’t think the punishment sounds too bad but IF you were a tyrant of a parent when your own children were young (not saying you were but if this was the case) then your daughter probably still feels distressed over this and doesn’t want history repeating itself with her children. However in that case she shouldn’t be asking you to look after her kids. The fact she hasn’t acknowledged your cancer diagnosis is awful and you were either a more toxic parent than you realised when she was younger or she is massively overreacting and is being terribly unfair. I do feel for you as you obviously had a stressful time when your children were younger and if you have been making up for that ever since it seems awful for her to still hold it against you.

Yes this is what I was trying to say! Maybe you were worse than you realise? But likewise maybe your daughter is just behaving very unfairly now.

My version is the truth. I freely admit I am strict and I was cross while the children were staying. I freely admit I wasn't a great mother. My daughter's letter pointed out all my shortcomings and said that this was the last straw for her. She doesn't know just how obnoxious her child was being because I haven't had the chance to tell her and I don't think it would help anyway. For the last year or so I have told her that if the children don't want to come to us she shouldn't send them - I always phrase my invitations to ask whether the children would like to stay. In her letter she says that the eldest didn't want to stay but she made him anyway as she and her partner wanted to go out. That is exactly the situation I wanted to avoid.
I am already beating myself up about the mistakes I made bringing my own children up. I have always wanted my grandchildren to know that we are there for them and that they can come and stay anytime and, despite my being such a horrible grandmother, they always tell us that they love us. The eldest had his bath and bedtime story (at his request) the night they stayed as usual, and we had our usual hug and kiss before he went to sleep. I not only miss my daughter, I miss my grandchildren. I'm not going to be well enough to have them to stay (if they want to come - and are allowed) until after my treatment which will be about 6 months.
I have apologised to my children for not being a good mother several times in the last and my daughter has never ever said anything to indicate that she had all this built up resentment. I was obviously a much worse mother than I thought I was.
However, this isn't about casting any blame on my daughter, it is about how I can resolve the situation. What can I do to make it better? I have apologised whole heartedly, but she told my husband she doesn't believe me. She wants something else from me but I don't know what it is.

The walk home was not that bad and the kids were prewarned.
Why do you consider the consequence of walking to be the wrong thing?
Why do you feel bad about it? Did you also speak with more anger than you should have?

If it was as you stated your daughter should be thanking you for caring for her kids, even when they are naughty.
Maybe the reaction is massive due to your daughter getting a shock over your diagnosis.
You need to talk without the kids.
Then you just need to wait and know that you have done your best. Take care of yourself.

I'd be really angry if you chose to punish my child in that way, too.

Did he walk alone or did somebody walk with him?

Isolation, exclusion and physical punishment is massively, massively out of order.

What was he doing that warranted that?

That’s horrendous news about the cancer op 💐lots of luck with the chemotherapy.

What was the child doing that was so obnoxious? Maybe your daughter didn’t think that was bad behaviour or it’s something she allows? You say you are strict, do you shout a lot? Did they go home and say ‘Granny shouted at us the whole time and then made us walk home’ and that was triggering for your daughter? I think I can see both sides here.

OP said that she walked with them - only half the distance that they normally walk to school.

Could your daughter also be feeling guilty herself, for forcing her son to stay so that she could go out?

I think you being a poor mother wasn’t a good example to DD and possibly she is overprotective/ spoils her own children, due to her upbringing, and so is overly upset at your behaviour.

Maybe write a letter apologising and explaining why you were short tempered that day.

Your daughter is being cruel and unreasonable.

Your grandson was warned but still misbehaved. Your daughter should accept her share of the blame for forcing him to stay with you for her own selfish reasons.

It's not about the walk home is it? Not really. It's triggered something in your daughter - a memory, experience - of her own childhood that has prompted her to write that letter, which she has obviously been sitting on for a long time. Maybe give her a little space, while letting her know you are there whether she feels ready to talk. Her childhood sounds like it was more damaging to her than you think.

She sounds unreasonable.
if I were you, I would visit with the grandchildren when they’re with their parents. They don’t get free rein to be horrible in your home just because their mum is going to back up their terrible behavior.

i hope you can pull your energy back and focus on your own healing now. You’ve apologized - she is unreasonable to keep punishing you. She has shown no compassion for your health and that is telling, I think; it makes it clear who is unreasonable here.

please look after yourself, OP. I’m sorry your daughter has hurt you so badly, but to keep chasing will just make things worse. Give her some space now and focus on your own healing. 💐💐 no mum is perfect - and you did the best you could.

I read that as she meant they did continue so she did follow through with her threat, but I might be wrong so hopefully OP will clarify.

I think the punishment in general is wrong, it's not up to you to punish them for obnoxious behaviour the best to do would have been to tell their mother and say that child will not be staying with you again. It does sound like she's had enough and I agree with others that given her childhood she is more sensitive and triggered by your reaction to her child.

So sorry to hear about your cancer diagnosis, I think the best thing to do here is await a few days and then send a meaningful letter perhaps offer her to chance to discuss her childhood with you at some point when your feeling better and tell her your leaving it in her hands to contact you if she wants to do so. Perhaps now that your no longer able to babysit anymore that she's no use for you as mean as that sounds.

So sorry to hear about your diagnosis and I am wishing you all the best with your treatment.

Could your daughter be angry about the cancer, and lashing out at you.
I know that sounds odd, but we can have strange reactions to such things. She may feel she cant face you and this is a an easier way for her to deal with things.
I could be projecting my own experiences onto this, but just a thought.

OP could not keep driving safely with the distraction of the naughty boy so if she stopped and they all walked I would deem that sensible and safe. She could also have tried stopping the car until the boy stopped his unruly antics and she could safely proceed..

I think that consequence is totally fine. Walking is not a "physical punishment".

I can't stand when people give their children no real consequences or boundaries. I'd expect my mother to exactly something like this if my children behaved like this, and i'd be glad she was firm with them because I want them to be well behaved.

I don't consider it a negative description to be termed a strict parent. Society is strict and we are there to teach our children how to live within its bounds.

Honestly I am sorry for your diagnosis.

But your post reads as if you're in denial about your daughter's true upbringing.

You say yourself you weren't a good parent. You had impossible standards. You are strict.

On the face of it your punishment for her son wasn't the big disaster. But it's clearly triggered a historical reaction from your daughter on how she was brought up.

I think you need to be honest about her upbringing and what long term effects they had had on her.

And also you say you want her back. For yourself and your diagnosis. What about what she needs? She's harbouring a lifetime of pain.

As someone whose mother didn't treat me especially well I struggle with the tone of your posts. There's still a sense of you blaming your daughter for this.

It must be really hard to be dealing with this alongside the cancer diagnosis and treatment as well.

Parenting and expected standards of behaviour changed a lot since I was growing to now, with my kids growing up.

Parenting now is all about how the child is feeling rather than about the adult imposing rules on the kids as it was 30-odd years ago.

To be totally frank (and I'm saying this as a parent of kids a similar age to your GC), I'm not totally in love with the result- I'd hope the kids are growing up more confident and emotionally literate, and feel more respected as a person by the grownups around them.

However, there are times when kids just need to do what they are told, and the gentle parenting approach means they are more inclined to question/ignore/need the "why" explained 10 million times etc/ moan about a request/answer back. It's stuff that wouldn't have been accepted when I was growing up- but to be fair it's also probably that I wouldn't have done it out of fear of the consequences more than anything else!!

Other peoples kids tend to also be really cheeky when weve taken them out- constant "can i have... sweets/cake/icecream/money for a slot" moaning ad infinitum that they didn't enjoy what we'd taken them to etc etc. I do find it really interesting that this is seen as OK rather than kids being expected to appreciate the fact that you've put cash and time into taking them out.

If you have been overly critical of your GC's behaviour over the years, and/or her parenting style then inevitably the result will be a poor and strained relationship. Times have changed, parenting has changed and expectations for children have changed.

I think you probably need to put more time into thinking really carefully about how she's feeling, why/what the root cause is, and have a candid internal discussion with yourself about what needs to change- or talk it over with a therapist if that works for you. Once you've had time to think this through you may be in a better place to try to move forward with her- but would need to be from a starting point of acknowledging what needs to change rather for her, rather than it being that you're feeling sorry for yourself and you miss her and the kids.