To ask my family to not communicate with my ex partner?

[namechangealerttt]

My ex treated me badly, which I did not tell many people about at the time due to loyalty while I was in the relationship and shame when it ended.

2.5 years on, 3 years of having a an amazing therapist (started seeing her before the marriage broke down) I am doing really well and generally very happy. I am single, the ex has repartnered, no issues there.

One trigger I do have, is my ex reaches out to my family members to try and organise activities. It doesn't happen often, but when it does so many emotions rise in me because I see it has him cos playing a "nice guy" and I don't think any nice guy would treat the mother of their children the way he treated me.

My ex and I along fine with everything to do with the kids, we do not communicate beyond what is necessary. I wish he would not have anything to do with my extended family.

On the weekend, my ex's weekend with the kids, my son's football match was being played at a pitch near one of my sister's houses. He reached out to that sister to invite her to watch, and her partner and they in turn reached out to another sister of mine. I only found out when my younger son told me that his dad was organising a surprise for his big brother. I was not informed by anyone else about this 'surprise' event that was being planned with my immediate family members that I was not invited to.

I was triggered, I was upset. One sibling already knew that my ex treated me badly but that is it, she knew I would be upset if I found out later but decided to 'stay out of it' and not tell me what was being planned.

I felt I finally needed to tell my other siblings that the marriage didn't just end "because we grew apart" which is the narrative my ex liked to use at the time. And explain I still find some things difficult.

I was upset when I sent the message, but I also had an emotionally intelligent friend read the message before I sent it so it would hopefully remain measured. In the message I told them I was treated badly in my marriage and it was low key abusive. I said I was upset that this 'surprise' had been planned without my knowledge, but I wasn't upset with them because I had never told them what happened in the marriage so they were not to know. Then I did ask that if my ex contacted them in future I would really appreciate it if they could reply and ask for requests to come via me.

They didn't respond for 24 hours which I was really upset about, because I it was really hard to finally tell people how bad my marriage had been and there was zero support shown, so I sent a follow up message the next day expressing this disappointment.

This has blown up and my siblings are upset with me, telling me I have blown things out of proportion, and made a veiled threat that if they tell me every time my ex invites them to something, they will behave equally and tell him every time I invite them to something.

Please be gentle because I am still upset. AIBU to ask my siblings to redirect communication they receive from my ex back to me?

They are horrible and I don't think they'll listen, unfortunately. I'd distance myself but appreciate you may feel unable to.

I understand this is upsetting to you. However I don't really see how you can tell one adult they must not see another adult and/or they need to run it past you before making any plans with them. I know this isn't what you want to hear, and I am sorry, but I think in life you can only do you. Good luck!

I did ask that if my ex contacted them in future I would really appreciate it if they could reply and ask for requests to come via me

Sorry, but that's not a reasonable request. Your ex (whatever his faults may be) was organizing a nice surprise for your son during his weekend with the kids. He invited people that (presumably) your son would enjoy seeing. Why should the request have to be routed thru you? These people are your son's family as well.

It's your prerogative if you want to share the extent of your marital problems with your family. That may (or may not) affect how your family responds to future contact from him. But I'm afraid you really can not expect to control what other adults do.

I can see why you would be upset. Why is your ex involving your relatives in his time with his child.

Surely, he should be arranging things with his side of the family and leaving you to do things with your child and your family.

Your ex seems to be wanting to stay involved with your siblings maybe to show that you can't get rid of him from your family life.

But as others have said, you can't tell your family not to get involved with him. All you can expect is that although they will be friendly with your ex, but maintain some distance ensuring they don't discuss you or tell him things about your current life, out of respect for your feelings.

Thanks for your opinions. When I made the request, I was fully prepared for them to say, no I can't do that. I hadn't expected and wasn't ready for it to blow up and for everyone to end up angry at me for making the request

And in defense of your family....I look at it as them doing something nice for your son not your ex-husband. They were there to support your son, not your ex. Had they refused the invite, who would have been hurt - your son or your ex?

He is doing what's best for your children, not what's best for you. You need to separate your issues, because yabu to expect your family not to see him just because you say so. You cannot dictate that OP.

I get this, I just would of liked to have known if there was something going on that 3 of my siblings were invited to that involved my kids, rather than finding out later from one of my kids.

I think it can be hard to communicate something this complex via text message. If they really didn't know the extent of your unhappiness while you were married they may have been caught completely off guard by your message.

If I got a message out of the blue from my sister saying her ex had been abusive during their marriage I'm not sure I'd know what to make of it, tbh. I do know that I'd want to speak to her about it. I imagine I'd be quite shocked.

I get this, I just would of liked to have known if there was something going on that 3 of my siblings were invited to that involved my kids, rather than finding out later from one of my kids.

@namechangealerttt That's completely understandable. The shittiest thing about divorce has to be missing out on events involving your own children! It's very painful and I'm sorry.

I think the last poster has it right. It took several long conversations with my family explaining the various ways my ex behaved abusively in our relationship before they were able to shift their view of him. Even then it only really sank in after they started to see the ways he continued to be manipulative towards me.

Expecting them to get it after dropping it on them in a text message is hoping for way too much. They probably feel confused, uncertain and attacked. It’s quite possible your ex has also made “offhand” comments that suggest you are prone to making something out of nothing.

I did ask that if my ex contacted them in future I would really appreciate it if they could reply and ask for requests to come via me

yabu. And controlling.

And tbh the fact that you didn’t tel your family anything about how the marriage ended and only decided to divulge this information when you realised that your ex was daring to inform your family of something that the DC would be at without your permission would have me thinking that you were painting a narative of a bad marriage so you could control the situation.

None of this is in the best interests of your children. And tbh your family’s contact with your ex is nothing to do with you. They’re independent from you, and the children are their family as well.

I have an excellent relationship with my ex’s family. My MIL’s opinion is that we’re all adults and have moved on with our lives. And there is no way she would be giving in my ex if he started demanding to know when they were in touch with me. In fact they’re quite open about it.

Their relationship with your ex and they’re going to see your children when they’re not with you isn’t your business.

"It’s quite possible your ex has also made “offhand” comments that suggest you are prone to making something out of nothing."

I think this is why I find it all so triggering. He is playing the part of "nice guy" and "great dad", and he can then let everyone know how well he still gets along with is ex inlaws, so I am the crazy one.

I can see why you would be upset. Why is your ex involving your relatives in his time with his child.

Perhaps because his child is also a member of OP’s family? And perhaps because it is nice for the children for their extended family to be able to be a part of anything the children are involved in without having to feel they can only be part time family?
Surely, he should be arranging things with his side of the family and leaving you to do things with your child and your family.
This attitude is petty and childish, and the only people it is going to harm is the children.

If the adults split that is down to them and them alone. It’s now up to anyone to start dictating how other people should take sides. Sometimes people do take sides, but if they choose not to be involved and to maintain a relationship with the children on their terms then that is their business and not for anyone else to dictate.

If I were in your shoes, I would rightly feel upset and disappointed with my families response time and reaction. I imagine having your ex partner in your life can be difficult, but you coparent out of interest for your shared children.

You revealed something to your family that I imagine was quite hard and triggering and they failed to show you any compassion or support. Have you ever considered talking to someone about your past relationship?

Unfortunately, adults can’t be controlled and while we can have very reasonable requests, a lot of adults won’t entertain them. If you can’t set boundaries with your partner or family, you should try to find coping mechanisms that will help you feel more comfortable about their relationship.

It sounds like a very tough situation but I hope you are okay. Stay strong momma!

Thank you so much. You are right I do need to be able to deal with it on my own. I have had an amazing therapist of 3 years but she is moving abroad and I unfortunately only have 1 session left. I have worked on a lot of things with her. It is this contact my ex has with my family that is pretty much my last trigger. I feel I have handled this situation badly. I did not at all anticipate the lack of compassion and anger being directed at me, and I have found it difficult.

I am also not sure how to 'fix' it. I feel like I am in a stand off with my siblings and I need to apologise. I can can see I was wrong in the request I made and can apologise for that. What is still hard for me is the lack of compassion shown by my siblings, and I have to process and accept this.

Thanks @GulfCoastBeachGirl all your comments are helping me see the other side

Wow I'm shocked that their own egos matter more than your feelings of pain regarding your abusive marriage. It's basically all come down to " you can't tell me what to do! sibling rivalry. I would distance myself.

The bad times highlight who is selfish and who isn't.

At a minimum they should have expressed some empathy for what you went through and how hard it must be that they've kept a relationship with him. Even if they also wanted to continue that relationship. Very cold to make it about themselves.

I do understand how you feel OP and have been in a similar situation.

I'm not sure texting was the right approach, nor was telling them what to do and not to do. It does make it seem like you're just annoyed about being left out this time and maybe the bigger significance to you was lost on them.

It might have been better to reveal information about him over time and let them make their own decisions about what to do with it.

I’m glad to hear you found an amazing therapist and had their support for the last three years. I hope your therapist equipped you with enough information, skills, and guidance for future scenarios and how you can deal with them alone. If this is your final trigger then you have come a very long way and should be incredibly proud of yourself and your achievements. The last therapy session is always a bit surreal and emotional but remind yourself of how far you’ve come since you first walked through their door.

I want to reassure you that you didn’t deal with the situation badly. You were triggered and reacted by dealing with the situation as best as you could during that time. When I feel triggered or upset I’ll write out the text that I want to send in my notes and leave it until I have had time to cool off, and more importantly, can assess with a clearer mind. Maybe you could try this?

Firstly, don’t feel like you’re obligated to fix this straight away. You can and should allow yourself time to think and process the situation. While your request might have been a lot for your siblings to accept, they also failed to show you compassion in support after you revealed something rather big and important. Apologize for what you need to but don’t apologize for what you feel like you have to. At the end of the day, they’re your siblings & they’re not going anywhere anytime soon!

This. You're being controlling. It's good that he still includes the childrens wider family when he is with them. Tbh, it's nothing to do with you what he does in his contact time. Yabu on this one.

If any thinks for one minute that your ex is doing this for your son’s benefit are the ones that are being naive.
He saying ooh look at me I’m great and namechange is a psycho.
Id be livid.

I think sending a lapsed text message at a time when it seems like you are jealous that something was planned for your son without you there was a mistake.

Same as if he contacted people while upset with you and told them all you had been abusive or toxic in some way in the marriage.

Also when you try and shift blame and responsibility onto one person - the problems in the marriage were her fault- this is how she treated me or his fault this is how he treated me, people who know you (and that you too have imperfections) can see through it. As I said especially when it comes due to you being mad he invited your family to an event for you son. It just seems reactive and spiteful.

I absolutely agree with this. The ex is being controlling- he’s showing namechange that he still has influence in her life. He knows this will have power over her. The trick for namechange is to learn not to react…