To ask my family to not communicate with my ex partner?

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My ex treated me badly, which I did not tell many people about at the time due to loyalty while I was in the relationship and shame when it ended.

2.5 years on, 3 years of having a an amazing therapist (started seeing her before the marriage broke down) I am doing really well and generally very happy. I am single, the ex has repartnered, no issues there.

One trigger I do have, is my ex reaches out to my family members to try and organise activities. It doesn't happen often, but when it does so many emotions rise in me because I see it has him cos playing a "nice guy" and I don't think any nice guy would treat the mother of their children the way he treated me.

My ex and I along fine with everything to do with the kids, we do not communicate beyond what is necessary. I wish he would not have anything to do with my extended family.

On the weekend, my ex's weekend with the kids, my son's football match was being played at a pitch near one of my sister's houses. He reached out to that sister to invite her to watch, and her partner and they in turn reached out to another sister of mine. I only found out when my younger son told me that his dad was organising a surprise for his big brother. I was not informed by anyone else about this 'surprise' event that was being planned with my immediate family members that I was not invited to.

I was triggered, I was upset. One sibling already knew that my ex treated me badly but that is it, she knew I would be upset if I found out later but decided to 'stay out of it' and not tell me what was being planned.

I felt I finally needed to tell my other siblings that the marriage didn't just end "because we grew apart" which is the narrative my ex liked to use at the time. And explain I still find some things difficult.

I was upset when I sent the message, but I also had an emotionally intelligent friend read the message before I sent it so it would hopefully remain measured. In the message I told them I was treated badly in my marriage and it was low key abusive. I said I was upset that this 'surprise' had been planned without my knowledge, but I wasn't upset with them because I had never told them what happened in the marriage so they were not to know. Then I did ask that if my ex contacted them in future I would really appreciate it if they could reply and ask for requests to come via me.

They didn't respond for 24 hours which I was really upset about, because I it was really hard to finally tell people how bad my marriage had been and there was zero support shown, so I sent a follow up message the next day expressing this disappointment.

This has blown up and my siblings are upset with me, telling me I have blown things out of proportion, and made a veiled threat that if they tell me every time my ex invites them to something, they will behave equally and tell him every time I invite them to something.

Please be gentle because I am still upset. AIBU to ask my siblings to redirect communication they receive from my ex back to me?

@Tlolljs This is exactly what is triggering for me.

@Freefall212 "Also when you try and shift blame and responsibility onto one person - the problems in the marriage were her fault- this is how she treated me or his fault this is how he treated me, people who know you (and that you too have imperfections) can see through it. As I said especially when it comes due to you being mad he invited your family to an event for you son. It just seems reactive and spiteful."

I know I am not perfect, and I was reactive, for sure. I think anyone that knows me really well would know being spiteful is not one of my flaws. I am not super close to my siblings, so thank you for your input, it is giving me insight into how my actions could have been perceived that I have not considered.

Dya know what though, it can be so hard to tell the difference! Someone can behave poorly but still be a decent person. Or they can just be a devious type. But it's actually hard to know which they are!

So if OP had realized son had a game right beside ex’s sisters house and since she had a good relationship with previous SIL she invited her to the game…the only possible interpretation of that is that OP is a controlling manipulator who did it to get back at ex?

Yabu

He may have friendships with he them still. You need to accept this

This made me stop and think, was I so triggered, I failed to see that this is a case of my kids dad genuinely trying to organise something nice with no ulterior motive?

After pondering it, something that is very important to him and everyone in his family is how they are perceived by others. I think this is a significant part of his motivation for trying to remain in contact with my family. It would have been a combination of doing something nice for his kid, but also having the opportunity to show everyone he is a "nice guy".

Siblings first loyalty should be to op. Even if they’ve only recently been told about the real reason the marriage broke up. I’d never speak to my bil again.

I don't think he does. Every time he contacts them it is something to do with the kids.

As long as he is a good parent then that is the past abuse only between both of you not your extended family or child.
Try and make it ok for a child to have a wider circle to support your child.
I do get you, also they will see, hear work put if it is OK when around your ex I am sure.

Yeah, I couldn't deal with that crap. If my siblings chose to socialise with my ex who had hurt me then I would stop socialising with them.

And right now NONE of my siblings have even considered contacting my ex, or any of his family. And even though he was completely at fault his family have cut me off too. (Good riddance to them, quite frankly).

Given your sister and partner not only jumped at the chance to see your kids but also called another sister to join them - even though as you say they have no real relationship or friendship with your ex - it seems they feel disconnected from their niece / nephews and saw this as an opportunity to be in their lives. Do you involve them in your kids lives? If not, and your ex does see value in your kids having relationships with extended family - you can't stop him from having that value and building those relationships, especially as it seems your sublings want those relationships as well. And then they get an email from you saying don't go to events or do thing with the kids...you can see why they are mad.

I think part of the issue may be that your siblings are used to thinking of him and your relationship with him in a certain way. It's hard to change that, let alone quickly, it's easier to blame you and shut down the uncomfortable thoughts. Their reaction to this news is probably quite complex.

Some quick thoughts. They could be wondering exactly what you mean, how bad was it really if name change didn't tell us till now maybe she's just jealous. People tend to jump to justifications like this when feeling uncomfortable. Guilt about previous interactions with him, have they let you down, have they hurt you, but they didn't know so then anger for that guilt might get attached in their thoughts to you, because you've caused the cognitive dissonance in their eyes by telling them this now. I'm not saying any of those responses are correct, but people's thoughts and reactions are complex and text is not the best communication medium for anything that's emotionally confusing.

I think I'd let it sit a little before deciding what YOU want to do or say. If you feel hurt and letdown and want to step back from those relationships that's ok. If you want to explain and let it go that's perfectly ok too. Work out what you need out of this situation to help you heal. They may not be capable of giving you the response you need, you can only frame it in terms of your actions, what you want to do or say and how you want to go forward or not with your relationships.

A bit odd that Sis invited other Sis along - I would wonder if this was to ease her path as she isn’t really friendly with ex.
Also Sis who was invited was prob put on the spot. As football was nearby could be hard to say no.
Ime kids play footie every weekend - you go and stand on the lines, don’t make a party of it as it’s quite boring if not your DC/ GDC.
I think he is being manipulative- being the ‘great’ dad.

Agree 100%!

This is about boundaries.

Ex was abusive. He has no right to your family now, he lost that right. He’s trying to belittle you and make you seem dramatic and question what you’ve said. And look: IT WORKED. Your family are now angry at you!!! And it’s because if his actions! The fact some PP think you should apologise is mind blowing.

This is worse when you are literally in therapy and therefore questioning everything already.

You are NOT wrong to think this is inappropriate. There is no planet on which my siblings would engage with an ex. I would continue to explain your side and say you really need their support even if, right now, you can’t get their understanding. Ask them to see how right now, with them angry at you and left alone, your ex has you exactly where he wants you.

You're pretty much describing my dad there. ( and possibly me?) But it's hard to tell. I need to lie down!

That 'nice guy' thing is v common, like all want to be nice tbf!

I mean that is just common in life. Many people are people pleasers or want to be seen a certain way. They want others to see them as kind or nice or caring or generous or nurturing or whatever and they act accordingly. Almost everyone has ulterior motives for their actions. Few people are truly altruistic in everything they do with no gain or benefit or associated positive feeling for themselves.

"Nice guys" is a sexist trope - we don't use a similar phrase for women so it isn't really about the behaviour.

Sorry, wasn't trying to be rude or minimise. I think maybe i don't actually understand my dad's behaviour, so i'm a bit lost in general!

I wouldn't invite her however our previous relationship was because that would put her in an awkward position with my ex so I would feel the need to invite my ex and I don't want to invite the ex

What is it you want/hope to happen by asking them to direct any requests for contact through you first, ie how do you think another football offer from XP would play out if it happened again? Would you want to be the one to decide whether your siblings go, to be invited yourself or just to know about it?

This is why the DSis probably couldn't refuse the offer.

Ex might tell DS that 'Auntie was invited but didn't want to come and see you play'.

"Nice guys" is a sexist trope - we don't use a similar phrase for women so it isn't really about the behaviour.
ERRRrr* *Manipulative bitch comes to mind

100% this! No it’s not normal in the slightest, my DH and his ex have a great relationship but there are boundaries around this type of thing, if he for some reason wanted to organise some that that involved her family members, he would tell her and she would communicate with them! It’s weird - his contact time should be used for seeing his extended family members, not yours! your ex trying to inveigle himself with your family is him reinforcing the narrative that he’s the nice reasonable one and you’re the emotionally unstable one. And if it was my sister I would be 100% on her side even if she was a bit unreasonable because she’s my sister! Some very weird responses.

YABVU.

Honestly! We all absolutely loved my sisters first husband, 100% part of the family, my kids loved him etc but they split and he treated her like shit so he’s dead to me (no kids, so total closed door thankfully!)

To know about it is the main thing. All along I have known I can't control the behaviour of other adults.

This issue has come up before with my ex contacting my aunt. When I explained how I felt she immediately asked would you like me to tell you next time he contacts me and asks to arrange something? I immediately felt supported by this response and we have no issues. I did not ask her to ask him to send future invitations via me.

It was a friend that suggested I ask my sisters to request that contact comes via myself. She has been in a similar situation to me with an abusive ex, and it did initially seem like a good idea because it would be just me that has to deal with my ex and my family members wouldn't get stuck in the middle. That is clearly not how they received the request.