To ask my family to not communicate with my ex partner?

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My ex treated me badly, which I did not tell many people about at the time due to loyalty while I was in the relationship and shame when it ended.

2.5 years on, 3 years of having a an amazing therapist (started seeing her before the marriage broke down) I am doing really well and generally very happy. I am single, the ex has repartnered, no issues there.

One trigger I do have, is my ex reaches out to my family members to try and organise activities. It doesn't happen often, but when it does so many emotions rise in me because I see it has him cos playing a "nice guy" and I don't think any nice guy would treat the mother of their children the way he treated me.

My ex and I along fine with everything to do with the kids, we do not communicate beyond what is necessary. I wish he would not have anything to do with my extended family.

On the weekend, my ex's weekend with the kids, my son's football match was being played at a pitch near one of my sister's houses. He reached out to that sister to invite her to watch, and her partner and they in turn reached out to another sister of mine. I only found out when my younger son told me that his dad was organising a surprise for his big brother. I was not informed by anyone else about this 'surprise' event that was being planned with my immediate family members that I was not invited to.

I was triggered, I was upset. One sibling already knew that my ex treated me badly but that is it, she knew I would be upset if I found out later but decided to 'stay out of it' and not tell me what was being planned.

I felt I finally needed to tell my other siblings that the marriage didn't just end "because we grew apart" which is the narrative my ex liked to use at the time. And explain I still find some things difficult.

I was upset when I sent the message, but I also had an emotionally intelligent friend read the message before I sent it so it would hopefully remain measured. In the message I told them I was treated badly in my marriage and it was low key abusive. I said I was upset that this 'surprise' had been planned without my knowledge, but I wasn't upset with them because I had never told them what happened in the marriage so they were not to know. Then I did ask that if my ex contacted them in future I would really appreciate it if they could reply and ask for requests to come via me.

They didn't respond for 24 hours which I was really upset about, because I it was really hard to finally tell people how bad my marriage had been and there was zero support shown, so I sent a follow up message the next day expressing this disappointment.

This has blown up and my siblings are upset with me, telling me I have blown things out of proportion, and made a veiled threat that if they tell me every time my ex invites them to something, they will behave equally and tell him every time I invite them to something.

Please be gentle because I am still upset. AIBU to ask my siblings to redirect communication they receive from my ex back to me?

I had a similar issue and in the end I said they had to choose me or him. My mother was very upset and didn't take it well but eventually she did choose me, my siblings were divided, one was happy to choose me the other wanted to stay in touch with both. I didn't back down and lost a sibling but kept my sanity.

It is beyond me why people do this.

Have an evil EP2 who gaslighted me. I would not be able to handle any relative of mine or friend who associated themselves with him.
I would say choose your side and then expect 1000% loyalty from my family and close friends or that's it - finito. For balance, have also a lovely EP1 who is invited to our big family events no problem.
You are divorced. Your relatives and friends are not up for negotiation.

You are divorced. Your relatives and friends are not up for negotiation.

And where do the shared children fit into this black and white view of relationships? You can hardly ask them to choose, surely? Which means you will have to continue to meet with your ex throughout their lives - parents' evenings, graduations, weddings etc. You cannot just erase them like the Soviet state cutting undesirables out of photographs. They will be a continuing presence in your children's lives and you owe it to your children to try to co-parent as reasonably as possible.

It’s beyond me why people do what you did. It’s certainly not in the children’s interest.

The children saw plenty of their father, they didn't need him replacing me in my family. You might be OK with an alcoholic man who got other women pregnant and left his children short of things they needed being treated like Mr Wonderful but it totally pissed me off. I can't imagine why it would be in the children's interests to watch that sort of confusing pantomime.

Seeing your ex at a parents evening/graduation or similar is totally different to seeing them sat in your mother's home as a welcome guest. It is perfectly possible to have a civilised co-parenting relationship without your family being involved. I never felt the need to contact my ex ILs once I was divorced, the children saw them when they were with their father, they didn't need me there.

Women like the OP and me seem to get punished because we didn't disclose all the nasty details to everyone. Once family know how you have been abused why would they want a relationship with your abuser?

Amen to that, if only all family members were as loyal to their own.

This advice might work for you OP