To ask my family to not communicate with my ex partner?

[namechangealerttt]

My ex treated me badly, which I did not tell many people about at the time due to loyalty while I was in the relationship and shame when it ended.

2.5 years on, 3 years of having a an amazing therapist (started seeing her before the marriage broke down) I am doing really well and generally very happy. I am single, the ex has repartnered, no issues there.

One trigger I do have, is my ex reaches out to my family members to try and organise activities. It doesn't happen often, but when it does so many emotions rise in me because I see it has him cos playing a "nice guy" and I don't think any nice guy would treat the mother of their children the way he treated me.

My ex and I along fine with everything to do with the kids, we do not communicate beyond what is necessary. I wish he would not have anything to do with my extended family.

On the weekend, my ex's weekend with the kids, my son's football match was being played at a pitch near one of my sister's houses. He reached out to that sister to invite her to watch, and her partner and they in turn reached out to another sister of mine. I only found out when my younger son told me that his dad was organising a surprise for his big brother. I was not informed by anyone else about this 'surprise' event that was being planned with my immediate family members that I was not invited to.

I was triggered, I was upset. One sibling already knew that my ex treated me badly but that is it, she knew I would be upset if I found out later but decided to 'stay out of it' and not tell me what was being planned.

I felt I finally needed to tell my other siblings that the marriage didn't just end "because we grew apart" which is the narrative my ex liked to use at the time. And explain I still find some things difficult.

I was upset when I sent the message, but I also had an emotionally intelligent friend read the message before I sent it so it would hopefully remain measured. In the message I told them I was treated badly in my marriage and it was low key abusive. I said I was upset that this 'surprise' had been planned without my knowledge, but I wasn't upset with them because I had never told them what happened in the marriage so they were not to know. Then I did ask that if my ex contacted them in future I would really appreciate it if they could reply and ask for requests to come via me.

They didn't respond for 24 hours which I was really upset about, because I it was really hard to finally tell people how bad my marriage had been and there was zero support shown, so I sent a follow up message the next day expressing this disappointment.

This has blown up and my siblings are upset with me, telling me I have blown things out of proportion, and made a veiled threat that if they tell me every time my ex invites them to something, they will behave equally and tell him every time I invite them to something.

Please be gentle because I am still upset. AIBU to ask my siblings to redirect communication they receive from my ex back to me?

You sound like an amazing sister.

I haven't read all the replies but surely they were going to the match for your child not your ex.

I think you have to take a different perspective out of this, they are going to see/support your child not to see your ex.

if you wanted an immediate response, a conversation might have been better than a text?

You are quite right. Surely your son would want you to be there more than an aunt. If things are amicable between you and ex, there's no reason why ex can't tell you about the event and suggest you ask your sister. Purposely excluding you is controlling behaviour designed to hurt you. Your family are helping your ex to get at you.
If your ex does this again your sister should inform you immediately so that you know what's happening and can come yourself if you want to.

I think talking to your sister would have been better than sending a message. And asking her to let you know immediately would be better than asking her to decline requests. Then you can just turn up too and he loses all his power. He will probably stop doing it sharpish.

Asking her to tell him to send the request via you is expecting her to get too involved in your problems and also lets your ex know it rattles you. It may also be represented to your son as she didn't want to see him play. If she simply tells you every time he contacts her he has no power and it presents the same effect of a united front.

I would give her a call and explain..the previous abuse is not relevant really, his current behaviour is telling enough.

I can only assume that the people on here who have said you’re being unreasonable have never been in an abusive relationship with an arch manipulator before. It’s truly horrendous and there are unfortunately no depths to which some people will go to get one over on an ex. I think an honest and open discussion with family would help. I don’t see any reason at all for him to contact your family or friends, other than a dire emergency.

He's got a bloody nerve OP, how dare he drag his sorry arse round members of your family trying to prove a point what super-dad he is.

you have every reason to be frustrated, he's an ex for a reason and he needs to stay away from your patch. Yours family are being disloyal and should have your back.

"No thanks, ex, not interested in socialising with you thanks, we see our niece/nephew regularly with @namechangealerttt she's our family remember?"

very disappointing they won't respect your feelings about this, you have nothing to apologise for.

Your siblings are behaving badly. Where's their loyalty to you? Can't imagine still socialising with my sister's ex who had hurt her. Or even just my sister's ex full stop. YANBU.

Did they think you'd be upset and wanted to avoid drama? I don't think you're being unreasonable, but it is always more complex with children. I'd be open and honest about the fact you'd appreciate your family letting you know when they'll be seeing him, but they're all adults at the end of the day and however hurtful you can't stop them.

Divorce is so hard on the children, who have no choice. The best parents try to put them front and centre, recognising that it is really tough to have parents that are divorced and at odds. So your starting point in childcare arrangements should be 'what will be best for our children?' not 'what about me?'.

If your son would like having his aunts watch him play football, it is a nice thing for him, regardless of your ex's motives. Having a go at your siblings for going to see their neophew playing football nearby is not the appropriate context to raise your grievances with your ex - it wrong foots them when they thought they were doing something nice. So they become defensive and strike back. And here we are.

You really need to talk to your siblings rather than exchange texts. But you also need to accept that your ex is your children's father and on his contact time he can do what he feels is best for them, just as much as you can when they are with you. Trying to control your family to stop them seeing your ex when he has the children does not seem a good hill to die on.

Time for an adult conversation with your siblings, apologise for trying to control them, explain you lashed out in pain - and then make the reasonable request that you at least know when your ex contacts them. Stay strong.

I'd be equally upset in your shoes op, you've disclosed personal information that's difficult for you, and you've been met with anger and negativity from people who's loyalties should lie with you - no wonder you're upset.

At this point I'd either withdraw from the conversation or send one final message/conversation saying that you're hurt by their reaction, your ex was abusive in your marriage, it took a lot for you to tell them this as it's very personal, could be embarrassing and something you didn't want to have to revisit. Tell them it's entirely up to them if they continue to have a relationship with him, but by doing so it upsetting to you. Then leave it at that

Sorry, but that's not a reasonable request. Your ex (whatever his faults may be) was organizing a nice surprise for your son during his weekend with the kids. He invited people that (presumably) your son would enjoy seeing. Why should the request have to be routed thru you? These people are your son's family as well.

It's your prerogative if you want to share the extent of your marital problems with your family. That may (or may not) affect how your family responds to future contact from him. But I'm afraid you really can not expect to control what other adults do.

I agree with this, and also understand why OP is upset

If a child is playing a match near members of their family, then regardless of which parent is 'on duty', if the child would like having family present then it's a nice thing to do.

It's reasonable for the OP to ask to be kept in the loop, but expecting the whole family to focus on taking sides with the adults rather than focusing on doing what the children would like is unreasonable.

He is being manipulative, but because you werent honest with your family about the reasons you divorced, they cannot be expected to see that. It will not disadvantage your children to have members of your family at an event with them, and in time, your family will see what he is doing if he persists in this kind of thing, as long as you are honest about his previous behaviour in your marriage.
I would be apologetic to your family about your request, and explain that it was triggered by fear that ex was trying to divide you from them. Let things calm down, I oresume your family want the best for you and your children.

I get you OP. My marriage of 21 years broke down because my ex cheated on me and I found out. I divorced him. That was bad enough but what was worse was how he treated me throughout the period we were trying to share assets. I just wanted 50/50 and maintenance for the youngest 2 children 16 and 8 at the time. Exh refused and tried to make me keep the house, and he the business. Business was worth about 7 times the value of the house, which still had 4 years left to pay on the mortgage. I had a year of pure hell trying to get my half. I owned 48 percent shares in business. It could have/should have been straightforward to split but he made my life hell for a year before settlement reached and I could never forgive him for that as we both worked hard to build business up. I got upset when at our DD wedding I saw him having a photo taken with my two BiL and 2 sisters. It felt like a kick in the gut because they knew what he had put me through. My sister said it was just a photo but I told her it felt like a betrayal and she apologized and has not socialised with him since. I did worry my niece who always got on really well with my ex might Invite him to her wedding but she didn't. I checked before I accepted my invite because if my ex was going I wouldn't have. 17 years later I still can't forgive him.

I'm going to start by saying what your ex is doing is great for the kids self esteem. That said it's really odd. I wonder if he knows you don't like it so is going out of his way to do it? In my experience I found close family members where manipulated heavily and they knew 100% my relationship was toxic. The fact they were being manipulated became clear in the end but I found it so hard to live with when it was happening. The trouble is that abuser can be very charismatic and charming when they have an agenda. I think I presented as bruised and angry and then he was charm itself.

I'd probably reply something like this....

Hi. I'm sorry that my previous messages caused upset. I don't think I was very clear about the situation and my feelings and didn't mean to offend.

Exdh was abusive to me during our marriage. He is very good at hiding that side of himself around other people so I can see why that might surprise you and you will only have my word for it. Anything to do with exdh is incredibly triggering for me and I would prefer that you didn't socialise with him as you are first and foremost my family and it's hard enough to have to share custody of DC without being left out of gatherings with my family. However, I understand I can't dictate this and will accept if you decide to continue to socialise with him. In the future, I would appreciate a heads up as it felt like I was blindsided finding out about it from my young child.

The suggestion of going through me for contact was intended to have you not put in the middle of things. I thought perhaps you felt obliged to meet up with him, as it surprised me you wanted to. If you wish to keep in direct contact with him, this is your decision, please just know it is a really difficult thing for me but I am trying to accept it.

I don't see it as anyone did anything wrong as such. Your feelings absolutely were valid and I would have felt the same; your ex wasn't wrong to ask your sisters to watch the game, particularly as they would have been next door; your sisters weren't wrong to go. I don't think you should take this so personally, because it was about the children. I do understand that one sister calling the other to invite her but not you would have made you feel excluded and as though you had been erased from your own children's events. Perhaps this is what you need to sit down and explain to them. It's credit to you that you kept the details of your marriage problems to yourself, but now has to be the time to open up properly to them. Do this face to face, not over text, and do start by apologising for trying to control their communications with your ex.

Whilst parts of that are good bluebird3, parts of it could very easily sound like a guilt trip. Especially if the family are probably thinking they're trying to do what is right for DC, not the adults.

The OP wasn't excluded from family gatherings. Their relatives went to see her son play football on a day that he had contact with his father.

It reads like a guilt trip in places basically saying, I don't like it and won't stop you but by the way if you do then you're responsible for triggering me.

Don't do it by text in any case. Speak to your family, then you can have an adult conversation with nuance.

YANBU and your family sound very unsupportive- they should care about how you feel about this and are perfectly capable of having a relationship with your DC through you.

I understand why you feel upset but the most important thing here is the children. You really can't control what other adults do. By all means express your feelings calmly by don't try to control your family to behave in certain ways, because that would be manipulative

I'd be disappointed and angry with my family if they responded like this to such a disclosure and request. YANBU. Please remember sure as night follows day anytime a woman puts any kind of boundaries in place wrt an abusive, manipulative man, there will be people accusing her of being controlling and unreasonable.

If you listen to anyone here @namechangealerttt, make it @HeadNorth. Her advice is rock solid.

Fine for a woman to put boundaries in place wrt a manipulative man. What they can't do is insist other people follow a set of dos and dont rules

I don't think she can insist, I think they should do it willingly because they care about her.