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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my ex to arrange socialising on his weekends

87 replies

Dumbphone · 15/06/2023 16:49

Two kids 11 and 9, They have huge numbers of parties, sleepovers and playdates as all kids seem to at this age.

Have been separated from ex for eight years. Kids have always seen him EOW and we get on well generally.

This weekend is my weekend, my oldest will be at a sleepover straight from school, then go straight to a party and I won't see him until 6pm Saturday. My youngest will have a friend sleeping over Friday. They each then have different parties on Sundays.

This feels overwhelming for me at times, but I prioritise their social lives as this is what they enjoy and I don't want them to miss out. I also feel as they get older their friendships are going to be really important to them.

My ex wants no arrangements on his weekends. I don't know why this rankles so much. I asked him to take the oldest to a sleepover party next weekend a five min drive from him (an hour from mine) - he has said he doesn't want to. He has helpfully now agreed but maintains that this will be a one off.

I can see his pov, but I just feel annoyed that I do all the running around for the kids and he wants to opt out.

I think IABU and can't dictate what he does with his time with them. I don't want to though change his time with them, though, I just want a fair share of parenting. So - what do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:
Smallfry79 · 15/06/2023 16:57

I can see where you are coming from and the dc will not want to miss out on things every second weekend.
However if he only has them EOW and not at all during the week, how is he meant to patent or spend much time with them if they are off at parties and sleepovers. Could this be where his reluctance comes from? Its different when you see them every morning and evening during the week.
Arrangements sometimes need to change as children grow and what once suited well is no longer working.

mybestchildismycat · 15/06/2023 16:58

I think YANBU, but I'd try to make peace with it for the sake of your own peace of mind.

I think encouraging and supporting their children's social lives is something that fathers in general are crap at, even the ones that are good dads. I know it's a generalisation but in every family I know, it's the mum who is thinking about and creating opportunities for their kids to socialise with their friends. The dads just don't seem to prioritise it or even consider it.

Needmorelego · 15/06/2023 17:05

Get the kids to tell him when they’ve been invited to a sleepover/party/go round someones house.
”Dad I’ve been invited to a sleepover with Joe at his house on Saturday night. Can you take me to his at 5pm cos his mum is getting us pizza” will be a lot harder to say no to than when it’s you passing the information on.

neilyoungismyhero · 15/06/2023 17:06

I agree with the first poster. Surely the EOW arrangement is to facilitate a relationship with dad and the children he only sees twice ever 14 days. If they're off on sleepovers and nights out with mates, dad won't get much quality time with them will he? The time will soon come when they actively won't want to go at all. Perhaps dad wants to make use of the small amount of time he has left.

Imastroppycow2 · 15/06/2023 17:10

I gave all three of my babies water and they've all survived to adulthood

Whaleandsnail6 · 15/06/2023 17:12

I actually think you are being a bit unfair in that he only sees them every other weekend so kid being away at a sleepover during that time is almost all of his time with him gone.

I think for now, you need to let him decide what he does during that time, maybe he has some family activities planned.

FussyPud · 15/06/2023 17:15

Contact isn’t for the parent, it’s for the child/ren. If he’s not prepared to facilitate their happiness, he can kiss goodbye to a decent relationship as they grow. They’ll realise their mum gave a damn and helped them enjoy life, and that their dad didn’t.

Tannedandfake · 15/06/2023 17:21

Your 11 yr old is definitely entitled to a preference. You should state ’ that’s the weekend you’re at you’re dads’ and give them an option surely.
if they opt to go then I think your ex needs to sort tbh.

Original poster
Dumbphone · 15/06/2023 17:23

Thanks all I echo all of your views! Whaleandsnail, I get your position too.

His argument is that he doesn't see them during the week. But my time with them in the week is not high quality either. Getting them ready for school in the morning, doing homework and taking them to various clubs they like after school pickup. This weekend, I won't see my oldest much at all. But, as other posters have said, it's not about me, it's what our oldest wants and he wants to be with his friends.

I wonder what happens to dads who are reluctant to prioritise social life when kids get older, do the kids just stop going? Does anyone have any experience of this?

OP posts:
WhatTheHeckyPeck · 15/06/2023 17:27

Does the EOW arrangement need to be strictly adhered to? When DD was young, if she had something that she really wanted to do that clashed with seeing her dad (or something going on at his when DD was with me that she wanted to go to), then me and him would just change the contact days. Sometimes it meant either me or him would have DD 2 weekends in a row but it worked for us.

Adenomyosisisntyourosis · 15/06/2023 17:30

Yes we ended up staying with my mum (not entirely my dad’s fault as he lived further away and couldn’t facilitate play dates etc). One to one with their dad is really important and I’m sure they benefit from both of your approaches.

Maves · 15/06/2023 17:34

Well what's the point of him having them if he's not actually having them, it's not about you doing all the running around as you have them most of the time! It's about him die being time with them surely so imo things like sleepovers which they can have any time can wait and they don't have to go to every party so they? Unless close friends kids parties are a drag.

Sirzy · 15/06/2023 17:34

As they get older can the plan be changed to add a bit more flexibity to help everyone?

i also don’t see anything wrong with either parent saying “not this weekend” when it comes to children being invited to things. Even that has to be balanced.

Caroparo52 · 15/06/2023 17:36

Same situation.
Kids missed out some parties because EH cba. My experience, 2dds 25 and 26 now see the truth about lazy selfish parents in their own time late teens. No omput from me. Just bloddy self evident.
Crap useless XP is pretty low in their esteem and they act according ie make little effort for him either now. His loss.
I am rewarded for my 99% exhausting but mostly enjoyable effort throughout their lives with their love respect and time.
No contest imo

SunshineAndFizz · 15/06/2023 17:36

Is there a reason he doesn't have them during the week too? As that might help make things feel balanced.

Otherwise, if there are proposed plans I'd just direct them to the dad "thanks for DCs sleepover invite, that's the weekend he's at his dads, I'll give you his number." then leave it to him.

Wishitsnows · 15/06/2023 17:38

Sounds like they will start to resent him as they get older. The contact time with him is for the benefit of the child. If he makes them miss out on things EOW they won’t want to go at all

ChampagneBlossom44 · 15/06/2023 17:41

Is there a reason ex isn’t seeing them in the week? Would it be feasible for him to have them an extra weeknight evening when there’s a sleepover on his contact time? Even if it’s just taking them out for dinner or cinema if sleepovers aren’t practical with the school run.
(not suggesting you should be sorting out the weekend sleepover transport either, he should still do that. His contact time should mean time off for you).
if it’s a hard no & you’re not happy for him to make up the time mid-week instead, then I could see why he’d be reluctant. 2 days out of 14 isn’t a lot of contact for a parent & child. If the current schedule is solely his choice with no compromise then he’s being unfair & needs to start thinking of ways to make this work other than ‘his way or the highway’. The older they get the less time they want to spend with either parent! Socialisation is so important.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/06/2023 17:41

WhatTheHeckyPeck · 15/06/2023 17:27

Does the EOW arrangement need to be strictly adhered to? When DD was young, if she had something that she really wanted to do that clashed with seeing her dad (or something going on at his when DD was with me that she wanted to go to), then me and him would just change the contact days. Sometimes it meant either me or him would have DD 2 weekends in a row but it worked for us.

So I'm ops weekends she hardly see them as she always gets the ruining around weekend but he gets uninterrupted time? Why sniffle she get less quality time busy so he gets more? If he wants to see them more, he needs to increase the week contact and take on the proportionate mental load

TooJoy · 15/06/2023 17:56

It’s a tricky one.

If he only sees them 8 days a month then I get why he’d want to have that quality time with them.

But I also understand that seeing them for a few hours after school isn’t actually quality time either and so it’s not like you have them a lot more than him if you count up the hours of quality time.

What he does on his weekends are completely up to him.
But I would suggest him seeing them twice a week during the week and then if they do have something else on then he’s not losing that time with them.

I do think quality time with parents is important but I also think these experiences with friends are important so I’m glad you let them go when it’s your weekend.

TomatoSandwiches · 15/06/2023 17:56

YANBU, the children will decide as they get older to just not go to his if he won't facilitate their social lives.
I find men just expect children to fit in with their routine and wants rather than try to enrich their childrens social lives.

Why does he only have them EOW?

ASGIRC · 15/06/2023 18:01

Needmorelego · 15/06/2023 17:05

Get the kids to tell him when they’ve been invited to a sleepover/party/go round someones house.
”Dad I’ve been invited to a sleepover with Joe at his house on Saturday night. Can you take me to his at 5pm cos his mum is getting us pizza” will be a lot harder to say no to than when it’s you passing the information on.

LOL no it wont!
Specially if the dad doesnt see them during the week.
"Im sorry buddy, but you wont be able to go to a sleepover this weekend."

I never had any friends plans on my dads weekends. because that was the time we got to spend with him!
So I knew to say no to things if they fell on that weekend. Or, if it was something important, wed swap weekends.

GrannyRose15 · 15/06/2023 18:02

FussyPud · 15/06/2023 17:15

Contact isn’t for the parent, it’s for the child/ren. If he’s not prepared to facilitate their happiness, he can kiss goodbye to a decent relationship as they grow. They’ll realise their mum gave a damn and helped them enjoy life, and that their dad didn’t.

No they won’t. I can assure you that children never appreciate what parents do for them. Not until they are parents themselves at least. And then it is a slow awakening.

Ponoka7 · 15/06/2023 18:07

Dumbphone · 15/06/2023 17:23

Thanks all I echo all of your views! Whaleandsnail, I get your position too.

His argument is that he doesn't see them during the week. But my time with them in the week is not high quality either. Getting them ready for school in the morning, doing homework and taking them to various clubs they like after school pickup. This weekend, I won't see my oldest much at all. But, as other posters have said, it's not about me, it's what our oldest wants and he wants to be with his friends.

I wonder what happens to dads who are reluctant to prioritise social life when kids get older, do the kids just stop going? Does anyone have any experience of this?

The one's I know do stop going. There's a few dads who wouldn't pick one up from school and go back to get the eldest after doing choir etc, so access has had to be cut down.

ASGIRC · 15/06/2023 18:08

Dumbphone · 15/06/2023 17:23

Thanks all I echo all of your views! Whaleandsnail, I get your position too.

His argument is that he doesn't see them during the week. But my time with them in the week is not high quality either. Getting them ready for school in the morning, doing homework and taking them to various clubs they like after school pickup. This weekend, I won't see my oldest much at all. But, as other posters have said, it's not about me, it's what our oldest wants and he wants to be with his friends.

I wonder what happens to dads who are reluctant to prioritise social life when kids get older, do the kids just stop going? Does anyone have any experience of this?

Once they get older you stop going to weekends, but go for dinner during the week or something like that.

My parents separated when I was 7 and we did the EOW thing. It was fine. No friends things on my dads weekend. He lived farther, and it just wasnt feasible. We still had LOADS of fun on his weekends, as we would meet up with his friends (who had kids our age, so we got to play!).

As we got older, and my dads mobility also declined, having us both over the weekend cause too much chaos in his house, so wed make plans to have dinner once or twice a week. Or a weekend outing.

My relationship with my dad is good. I never resented not being able to do things with my friends on his weekends. If I had really important things, Id try to swap the weekend.

But even with my mom, we werent ALWAYS able to go to every single thing we wanted to. If there was a family gathering, we were definitely not going to a birthday party. And that was fine!

2bazookas · 15/06/2023 18:15

My ex wants no arrangements on his weekends.

He means,his weekends with the kids are his to organise as he sees fit, and he does not want you planning what he's going to do with them.

Perfectly reasonable.