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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect my ex to arrange socialising on his weekends

87 replies

Dumbphone · 15/06/2023 16:49

Two kids 11 and 9, They have huge numbers of parties, sleepovers and playdates as all kids seem to at this age.

Have been separated from ex for eight years. Kids have always seen him EOW and we get on well generally.

This weekend is my weekend, my oldest will be at a sleepover straight from school, then go straight to a party and I won't see him until 6pm Saturday. My youngest will have a friend sleeping over Friday. They each then have different parties on Sundays.

This feels overwhelming for me at times, but I prioritise their social lives as this is what they enjoy and I don't want them to miss out. I also feel as they get older their friendships are going to be really important to them.

My ex wants no arrangements on his weekends. I don't know why this rankles so much. I asked him to take the oldest to a sleepover party next weekend a five min drive from him (an hour from mine) - he has said he doesn't want to. He has helpfully now agreed but maintains that this will be a one off.

I can see his pov, but I just feel annoyed that I do all the running around for the kids and he wants to opt out.

I think IABU and can't dictate what he does with his time with them. I don't want to though change his time with them, though, I just want a fair share of parenting. So - what do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:

IdaPolly · 20/10/2023 11:18

Imastroppycow2 · 15/06/2023 17:10

I gave all three of my babies water and they've all survived to adulthood

That's good news.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/10/2023 11:52

I think he’s very unreasonable. He needs to put his kids first. It’s not good for them for their entire lives to stop every other weekend. Ideally you should be able to refer other parents on to him to make arrangements on his weekends, but he shouldn’t be saying a blanket “no” if he cares about his children.

Wouldn’t we all like no arrangements on our weekends, or “the weekends” for those people still married to / together with the other parent.

The good news is that you are right at the end of the time when your exh will be controlling this. Once the kids are at secondary they make their own arrangements, and they won’t be listening to Dad saying they can’t go.

My teenager (15) is extremely well behaved and sensible, and will listed to sensible reasons from parents as to why she can’t do things (there’s a family occasion etc) but won’t have Dad just controlling her time with random plans as he sees fit. She’s had to be very firm with him about how he doesn’t control her time as he has a tendency to announce plans at a moment’s notice and expects people to be free for his whim.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/10/2023 11:54

People saying “good for him” are likely not at all experienced in this type of situation OP.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/10/2023 11:58

Dumbphone · 15/06/2023 17:23

Thanks all I echo all of your views! Whaleandsnail, I get your position too.

His argument is that he doesn't see them during the week. But my time with them in the week is not high quality either. Getting them ready for school in the morning, doing homework and taking them to various clubs they like after school pickup. This weekend, I won't see my oldest much at all. But, as other posters have said, it's not about me, it's what our oldest wants and he wants to be with his friends.

I wonder what happens to dads who are reluctant to prioritise social life when kids get older, do the kids just stop going? Does anyone have any experience of this?

Would them stopping over Dad's in the week be an issue for school? If you want an even spread of parenting responsibilities he needs to parent more. Any plans for his weekends need to go straight to him, not you agree then talk to him. He gets to say no to the kids. Text him the invite and get the kids to call him to ask. His time, not your responsibility.

GrannyRose15 · 20/10/2023 19:47

I imagine the children are exhausted by the time they get to their Dad’s if your weekends are all like the one you describe. They are probably glad of the rest.

Spacecowboys · 20/10/2023 20:08

Why do the children want to spend all weekend, every weekend with their friends and not spend any time with their parents. Family time is important too, even for teenagers.

Hesma · 20/10/2023 20:11

Maybe he actually wants to spend time with them!

GrannyRose15 · 21/10/2023 07:41

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 16/06/2023 17:17

You can't assure anyone that at all 🙄

I have kids in their teens who absolutely appreciate everything I've done for them.

They see how I've struggled and given them the best life I can, with no help, and tell me regularly they appreciate me and everything I've done for them.

Not all kids are unaware, rude and ungrateful until they have their own dc.

Show quote history

Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

Topsyturvy33 · 21/10/2023 07:43

My ex use to be / can be a bit like this. Eldest DC has defo got to the age where it is all about friends…

I’ve always navigated it by simply sending him a copy of the invite and asking him to sort it. Job done

Codlingmoths · 21/10/2023 07:53

YANBU, but you just shrug and ask curiously if he’ll change his tune when they are old enough to say I don’t want to go to dads because I want to go to Dave’s party.

Namechange800 · 21/10/2023 08:09

Family lawyer here. If you were my client and there was no order in place, I’d advise you to explain to dad that particularly for your older child socialising with friends is becoming more important and if he can’t facilitate those arrangements there will be weekends where he won’t be coming.

Then you would have to prioritise the key birthdays. Clearly he shouldn’t miss time with dad for any old party but if there’s a key party from one of his close friends then prioritise it.

In a year or two your son will vote with his feet in any event so dad is doing himself no favours by taking this stance.

Weekends with dad are for the children to spend time with him, however, the Court would take the view that this would not be at the entire expense of all other activities the child wanted to do. Take for example a child that was a talented footballer, the Court would expect the father (in this case) to prioritise this if this was important to the child. Having a social life outside of school helps promote friendships in school and is important especially as children reach secondary age.

obje · 21/10/2023 08:16

neilyoungismyhero · 15/06/2023 17:06

I agree with the first poster. Surely the EOW arrangement is to facilitate a relationship with dad and the children he only sees twice ever 14 days. If they're off on sleepovers and nights out with mates, dad won't get much quality time with them will he? The time will soon come when they actively won't want to go at all. Perhaps dad wants to make use of the small amount of time he has left.

They'll want to go stop going even sooner if they are not allowed to continue their social lives while there.

At this age and over the next few years their social lives will be one everything to them. Their dad will either need to suck it up and make the most of the time they do have, or the dc will resent him even quicker and be reluctant to go at all

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