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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my ex to arrange socialising on his weekends

87 replies

Dumbphone · 15/06/2023 16:49

Two kids 11 and 9, They have huge numbers of parties, sleepovers and playdates as all kids seem to at this age.

Have been separated from ex for eight years. Kids have always seen him EOW and we get on well generally.

This weekend is my weekend, my oldest will be at a sleepover straight from school, then go straight to a party and I won't see him until 6pm Saturday. My youngest will have a friend sleeping over Friday. They each then have different parties on Sundays.

This feels overwhelming for me at times, but I prioritise their social lives as this is what they enjoy and I don't want them to miss out. I also feel as they get older their friendships are going to be really important to them.

My ex wants no arrangements on his weekends. I don't know why this rankles so much. I asked him to take the oldest to a sleepover party next weekend a five min drive from him (an hour from mine) - he has said he doesn't want to. He has helpfully now agreed but maintains that this will be a one off.

I can see his pov, but I just feel annoyed that I do all the running around for the kids and he wants to opt out.

I think IABU and can't dictate what he does with his time with them. I don't want to though change his time with them, though, I just want a fair share of parenting. So - what do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:
Royalbloo · 15/06/2023 20:23

From experience it doesn't work though, they don't go AND you're pissed off.

Their relationship with their dad is theirs. If they then don't want to go when they have a choice, they won't.

Stress and owning an issue that's not yours to own or fix is all that follows.

Royalbloo · 15/06/2023 20:23

AND the kids blame you!

Royalbloo · 15/06/2023 20:24

I'd concentrate on making your weekends on your own as FUN as possible. I'm going for drinks with my mate tomorrow and then to London for the weekend.

If he doesn't take her to drama club, that's between her and him.

Redebs · 15/06/2023 20:25

He wants to spend time with his children during contact times. That's his choice, and good for him.

I don't think it's reasonable for you to try to get him to do things the way you do.

ironorchids · 15/06/2023 20:31

So you have to do all the hard parenting work during the week, plus ferry them around to their social events every other weekend, while he gets to be Fun Dad and take them out on trips every second weekend?

Where's your quality weekend with them while he does the ferrying?!

He sounds lazy, self entitled and like the kind of dad his kids will grow to resent.

JandalsAlways · 15/06/2023 20:32

I think YABU, the weekends are his so he can decide what to do

Redlarge · 15/06/2023 20:33

Redebs · 15/06/2023 20:25

He wants to spend time with his children during contact times. That's his choice, and good for him.

I don't think it's reasonable for you to try to get him to do things the way you do.

Yeah good for him, avoiding any effort commitment or responsibility and getting it all his way. Cant believe people are congratulating his selfish controlling actions

Eleganz · 15/06/2023 20:34

He sees them 2 days in every 14. They are with you the rest of the time. I presume that is an arrangement you agreed with. Whilst it puts more of the burden of parenting in you, it also makes it harder for him to maintain relationships with the children.

Whilst it isn't ideal that he is being so inflexible I think you should stop trying control what he chooses to do with the kids during that time including whether he allows sleepovers and similar. His time, his choice, his relationship with his children.

Tinkerbyebye · 15/06/2023 20:35

Stop organising anything on his weekend. If the kids want to do anything such as sleepovers they have the conversation with him and he can say no to them direct

tableofjelly · 15/06/2023 20:37

Tinkerbyebye · 15/06/2023 20:35

Stop organising anything on his weekend. If the kids want to do anything such as sleepovers they have the conversation with him and he can say no to them direct

I'm pretty sure she's not the one organising things, it's the kids being invited places by their friends and he's blaming her as they do it during the week while she's there, and he wants her to tell them to tell their friends no.

Redlarge · 15/06/2023 20:38

Eleganz · 15/06/2023 20:34

He sees them 2 days in every 14. They are with you the rest of the time. I presume that is an arrangement you agreed with. Whilst it puts more of the burden of parenting in you, it also makes it harder for him to maintain relationships with the children.

Whilst it isn't ideal that he is being so inflexible I think you should stop trying control what he chooses to do with the kids during that time including whether he allows sleepovers and similar. His time, his choice, his relationship with his children.

Then he should make other sacrifices to see them more. Honestly a man makes himself available for the bare minimum and gets to dictate the routine. F that.

Usernamenotavailab · 15/06/2023 20:42

People parent differently. You can’t dictate.

many parents don’t want their kids out all weekend every weekend. There’s have a social life, but if it’s at the expense of family time then he may have a point.

what about homework? When do they do that?

I know parents limit clubs and activities if they’re spending too much time on them. Socialising is no different.

dh’s ex wouldn’t take her kids to activities on her weekends because she preferred to visit grandparents/family/friends.

there needs to be a balance. I don’t think it’s particularly good for them to be out all the time.
my youngest actually stopped herself as it was getting too much for her and she needed some chill time at home.

blackbeardsballsack · 15/06/2023 20:44

Can't believe some posters are criticising OP and jumping to the dad's defence.

The man wants to spend quality time with his children, and has the opportunity to do so during the week at any point, the OP has said that she would absolutely welcome this. And then the kids could go to their parties and events at the weekend also.

Why is it ok for OP to run around all week, pay for everything, do taxi runs, and all the other general slog on her time but the dad's time is holy and sacred? Ferrying kids back and forth and taking them to parties is the reality of parenting. He obviously isn't that arsed about quality time with his children if he's content to see them 2/14 days when he could see them far more often with OP's blessing. He's not even arsed enough about them to contribute financially to their upbringing.

ironorchids · 15/06/2023 21:04

Why is it ok for OP to run around all week, pay for everything, do taxi runs, and all the other general slog on her time but the dad's time is holy and sacred?

Come on, @blackbeardsballsack, be reasonable! He's Fun Dad. He doesn't do homework, getting ready for school, or having to use up his time with them on days where they spend most of the day out of the house, e.g at school. That's mum stuff. Boring!

Fun Dad goes to the zoo, on camping trips, for Sunday roast at the pub, lazy days in just spending time together you and me. Be reasonable!

Original poster
Dumbphone · 15/06/2023 21:16

Usernamenotavailab · 15/06/2023 20:42

People parent differently. You can’t dictate.

many parents don’t want their kids out all weekend every weekend. There’s have a social life, but if it’s at the expense of family time then he may have a point.

what about homework? When do they do that?

I know parents limit clubs and activities if they’re spending too much time on them. Socialising is no different.

dh’s ex wouldn’t take her kids to activities on her weekends because she preferred to visit grandparents/family/friends.

there needs to be a balance. I don’t think it’s particularly good for them to be out all the time.
my youngest actually stopped herself as it was getting too much for her and she needed some chill time at home.

there are for some reason a glut of parties in this final summer term, and the year 6s know they’ll all be off to different schools so want to spend time together before they go. Most of the year it’s far more chilled and usually on weekends we have a lovely balance, and see family/spend time alone plenty too. It’s just a busy term, with all sorts going on, and this has really highlighted the difference in priorities.

he does do homework with them on his weekends, can’t criticise him on that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dumbphone · 15/06/2023 21:18

Eleganz · 15/06/2023 20:34

He sees them 2 days in every 14. They are with you the rest of the time. I presume that is an arrangement you agreed with. Whilst it puts more of the burden of parenting in you, it also makes it harder for him to maintain relationships with the children.

Whilst it isn't ideal that he is being so inflexible I think you should stop trying control what he chooses to do with the kids during that time including whether he allows sleepovers and similar. His time, his choice, his relationship with his children.

It’s an arrangement come to through necessity. I’d have been happier with week on week off, but for various reasons their dad didn’t want this, and still doesn’t. I don’t blame him for that, but want him to take the rough with the smooth.

OP posts:
Vretz · 16/06/2023 16:59

@Dumbphone you sound a pretty reasonable ex in truth. I'd agree with the comments that you can't control what happens on his weekends, but I think your children will just need the advice in time to book things whenever they want.

If dad doesn't want to facilitate it, then eventually DC will opt not to go to dad.

Your role here is just to do as you are, and keep the door open for midweek and 50/50.

I'd love to have you as a co-parent. It sounds like you'd be very flexible, collaborative and not a massive PINTA like the one I have to deal with where getting the kids from her is like pulling teeth! 😉

CoreyTaylorsSoggyTshirt · 16/06/2023 17:17

GrannyRose15 · 15/06/2023 18:02

No they won’t. I can assure you that children never appreciate what parents do for them. Not until they are parents themselves at least. And then it is a slow awakening.

Show quote history

You can't assure anyone that at all 🙄

I have kids in their teens who absolutely appreciate everything I've done for them.

They see how I've struggled and given them the best life I can, with no help, and tell me regularly they appreciate me and everything I've done for them.

Not all kids are unaware, rude and ungrateful until they have their own dc.

jc12689 · 19/06/2023 10:52

Needmorelego · 15/06/2023 17:05

Get the kids to tell him when they’ve been invited to a sleepover/party/go round someones house.
”Dad I’ve been invited to a sleepover with Joe at his house on Saturday night. Can you take me to his at 5pm cos his mum is getting us pizza” will be a lot harder to say no to than when it’s you passing the information on.

Cool suggestion. Set up the kids to do a bit of imotional blackmail by proxy.

Sarahtm35 · 19/06/2023 11:04

I can understand where he’s coming from, it’s his only time with them and they’re only young once.
we tend to have a lot of weekends doing family stuff, theme parks, zoos, cinema, the beach. My kids are 10,13,17 and because we have fun as a family they CHOOSE to spend time with us most weekends.
you both need to offer up better offers then what their friends can provide or before you know it they’ll be fleeing the nest and you’ll have little to no memories of family time together.
my kids still have loads of friends and go to parties and concerts sleep overs etc with them, but they also have a life with us as well which is equally as important.

babbscrabbs · 19/06/2023 14:09

If it is like this every weekend, when do you get your quality time with them?

Family relationships are just as important as friend ones.

It also sounds exhausting.

If it's just a busy few weeks then fair enough but if not, maybe they need to balance it out a bit.

babbscrabbs · 19/06/2023 14:09

Sarahtm35 · 19/06/2023 11:04

I can understand where he’s coming from, it’s his only time with them and they’re only young once.
we tend to have a lot of weekends doing family stuff, theme parks, zoos, cinema, the beach. My kids are 10,13,17 and because we have fun as a family they CHOOSE to spend time with us most weekends.
you both need to offer up better offers then what their friends can provide or before you know it they’ll be fleeing the nest and you’ll have little to no memories of family time together.
my kids still have loads of friends and go to parties and concerts sleep overs etc with them, but they also have a life with us as well which is equally as important.

This!

Needmorelego · 19/06/2023 14:49

@jc12689 I hope it doesn’t sound like blackmail.
It’s just a child telling ONE of their parents they’ve been invited to a mates house.
Are children only meant to communicate with one parent?

gogohmm · 19/06/2023 14:55

Neither of you are unreasonable. From his point of view he only seems them every other weekend so wants to actually spend time with them.

If you get along well enough perhaps it's time for a conversation about perhaps being a bit more flexible eg sometimes him having them on a different weekend to avoid this

Soontobe60 · 19/06/2023 15:01

FussyPud · 15/06/2023 17:15

Contact isn’t for the parent, it’s for the child/ren. If he’s not prepared to facilitate their happiness, he can kiss goodbye to a decent relationship as they grow. They’ll realise their mum gave a damn and helped them enjoy life, and that their dad didn’t.

Rubbish. How is one parent expected to foster a strong relationship if they only see their child 2 days out of 14, and is then expected to take that child to spend time with other people? Just because the OP is being a martyr, it doesn’t mean she can dictate what her ex does. She sounds Very controlling.