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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my ex to arrange socialising on his weekends

87 replies

Dumbphone · 15/06/2023 16:49

Two kids 11 and 9, They have huge numbers of parties, sleepovers and playdates as all kids seem to at this age.

Have been separated from ex for eight years. Kids have always seen him EOW and we get on well generally.

This weekend is my weekend, my oldest will be at a sleepover straight from school, then go straight to a party and I won't see him until 6pm Saturday. My youngest will have a friend sleeping over Friday. They each then have different parties on Sundays.

This feels overwhelming for me at times, but I prioritise their social lives as this is what they enjoy and I don't want them to miss out. I also feel as they get older their friendships are going to be really important to them.

My ex wants no arrangements on his weekends. I don't know why this rankles so much. I asked him to take the oldest to a sleepover party next weekend a five min drive from him (an hour from mine) - he has said he doesn't want to. He has helpfully now agreed but maintains that this will be a one off.

I can see his pov, but I just feel annoyed that I do all the running around for the kids and he wants to opt out.

I think IABU and can't dictate what he does with his time with them. I don't want to though change his time with them, though, I just want a fair share of parenting. So - what do you think? AIBU?

OP posts:
AngelinaFibres · 15/06/2023 18:24

My sons stopped seeing their father because he wouldn't allow them to do anything with their friends ( but took them to the pub for the whole weekend so he and his friends could get drunk). They gradually pulled away. They have no relationship with him now ( they are 29 and 30). The relationship was very poor once they became teens

Theunamedcat · 15/06/2023 18:24

Dumbphone · 15/06/2023 17:23

Thanks all I echo all of your views! Whaleandsnail, I get your position too.

His argument is that he doesn't see them during the week. But my time with them in the week is not high quality either. Getting them ready for school in the morning, doing homework and taking them to various clubs they like after school pickup. This weekend, I won't see my oldest much at all. But, as other posters have said, it's not about me, it's what our oldest wants and he wants to be with his friends.

I wonder what happens to dads who are reluctant to prioritise social life when kids get older, do the kids just stop going? Does anyone have any experience of this?

Yes they stop going if they or their social lives are not supported ds is 14 ditched his dad pretty much this year I don't see him much either his friends do

mindutopia · 15/06/2023 18:34

If you only saw your dc 2 days out of every 14, would you want them to be at parties and sleepovers Friday-Sunday? I assume he feels like he's missing out. Would you be able to move to a more 50/50 arrangement. so that you both have equal time with them?

Original poster
Dumbphone · 15/06/2023 19:25

2bazookas · 15/06/2023 18:15

My ex wants no arrangements on his weekends.

He means,his weekends with the kids are his to organise as he sees fit, and he does not want you planning what he's going to do with them.

Perfectly reasonable.

They're not arrangements I'm making...? If they were, it would all be things I wanted to do. This is things the children want to do. Do you really think that because I'm the mum the parties they go to with school friends are 'my' arrangements? Do you think I particularly enjoy dropping them off at trampoline parks/cinemas/friend's houses?

Recently their dad christened his new baby on my weekend - (making a plan on my weekend without checking with me first). I dropped them off at his the night before. I'm flexible. He gives me some flexibility back so I'm happy with this, but generally we stick to EOW to avoid disagreements.

This is specifically about their friendships, which although not more important than time with their dad, have to be considered as important for their development in my view.

I feel annoyed that I'll be carting them around all weekend and on his weekends he can just chill out. I could have said no to all engagements and sat in the park with them, or let them play on their nintendos, or sat with my family and friends, but I travel all across London to take them to their various engagements.

I would absolutely love him to have them a night or two in the week. It's practically possible as he doesn't work so can get them to school in the mornings though it's an hour long journey so I understand his reticence. I also pay a lot for childcare, if he had them I may not have to. And of course because he's in and out of work, he doesn't provide financially unless I provide proof of a specific cost.

It really annoys me when he says he doesn't get to see them in the week. I would love to be able to stay in the office without running off for after school club or see a friend after work.

I also don't think they'll look back and see me as having worked particularly hard. I really don't. In a way I don't want them to see their dad as bad, as it can impact the way they see themselves.

I have used this thread to rant, much appreciated. Thanks for all your responses.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dumbphone · 15/06/2023 19:29

mindutopia · 15/06/2023 18:34

If you only saw your dc 2 days out of every 14, would you want them to be at parties and sleepovers Friday-Sunday? I assume he feels like he's missing out. Would you be able to move to a more 50/50 arrangement. so that you both have equal time with them?

No - I can totally see his pov. BUT - if I were the NRP I would want to have them more often, during the week for example. I've asked him to collect them one night a week, he won't, despite not working. He lives in a small flat and has another child so doesn't really have space. Again, I would have found a way to get a bigger home to accommodate them (he is well qualified and clever, choses to work intermittently so could afford a bigger home if he went to work, but of course I can't judge his choices...)

OP posts:
Original poster
Dumbphone · 15/06/2023 19:30

Theunamedcat · 15/06/2023 18:24

Yes they stop going if they or their social lives are not supported ds is 14 ditched his dad pretty much this year I don't see him much either his friends do

Show quote history

This is my suspicion, that actually neither of us will see them much. He says all the more reason to spend time with them now then.

I hope they do develop marvellous social lives, that's what being young is for!

OP posts:
CrazyHedgehogLover · 15/06/2023 19:45

I’d personally ask the children what they would like to do (especially the eldest), i understand a relationship with there father is important but he can’t just pick and choose what suits him..

as they get older they will be invited to a lot of parties and sports clubs etc to take part in! He should be doing some of this, all of this crap “he wants to value his time with them” yes he may well do, shouldn’t expect his children to have no social life to do this! He could easily make more of an effort throughout the week and chooses not to🤷‍♀️.. that’s not your problem or the children’s.

completely fair enough if he’s already got arrangements to take them out somewhere I completely agree in that instance that he says no, so long as he’s actually got some plans for them, not to just be sat at home/his place.

the only way I can see this being resolved is speaking to him about it. State how it makes the children feel when there missing out on events and how your concerned it could affect them socially. This doesn’t need to be a war just a simple discussion and keeping thing’s amicable.

if he then plays up you offer contact during the week or he could take them to the clubs/parties.

I have two stepdaughters and my husband has them alternated weeks, one week Thursday to Saturday, second week Friday to Sunday. He would never dream of them missing out on anything and I often drop them off anywhere needed because I drive. We always maintain to there mum that we’ll happily drop them off at parties etc if there’s any that fall on his time.

he should be pulling his weight.

TomatoSandwiches · 15/06/2023 19:47

He sounds useless tbh.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 15/06/2023 19:49

He needs to see them more although neither of you are BU on this specific point.

Original poster
Dumbphone · 15/06/2023 19:50

TomatoSandwiches · 15/06/2023 19:47

He sounds useless tbh.

Well, yeh, I think he is pretty useless, but don't want kids to think he is.

Though it's not difficult to hold my tongue for the kids' sake, it is frustrating.

OP posts:
Binjuices · 15/06/2023 19:52

I think this is one of those things where you have to accept that your priorities are not necessarily his. So you think the kids’ social life is really important. Clearly, he doesn’t agree or thinks time with him is more important. As their father, that’s his call.

Royalbloo · 15/06/2023 19:55

I long ago came to the realisation that I can't control what he does with the kids on h his weekends. It's simply not up to me.

Yes, DD has party invites but if he can't or won't take her that's on him not on me.

I would also hate for him to dictate what I can/can't do, so I tell him, "It's X's party, she really wants to go." Then it's up to him. I'm no longer involved.

Royalbloo · 15/06/2023 19:58

I just say, "It's Dad's weekend, you'll have to ask him." Done.

Royalbloo · 15/06/2023 19:58

We have, amazingly, agreed to Stagecoach every Sat morning, which I'm still stunned about to be honest!

Original poster
Dumbphone · 15/06/2023 20:12

Royalbloo · 15/06/2023 19:55

I long ago came to the realisation that I can't control what he does with the kids on h his weekends. It's simply not up to me.

Yes, DD has party invites but if he can't or won't take her that's on him not on me.

I would also hate for him to dictate what I can/can't do, so I tell him, "It's X's party, she really wants to go." Then it's up to him. I'm no longer involved.

Yes, agree I can't dictate what food he gives them, or how they spend their time. Agree my priority is for them to be social and he doesn't value it in the same way, and I can't make him.

My kids are too sweet to make a fuss if their dad says no, they won't tell him they're disappointed.

I agree I have no control over this.

Thanks again all

OP posts:
Original poster
Dumbphone · 15/06/2023 20:12

Royalbloo · 15/06/2023 19:58

We have, amazingly, agreed to Stagecoach every Sat morning, which I'm still stunned about to be honest!

Wow! Very good.

OP posts:
MMMarmite · 15/06/2023 20:14

He should see them more in the week.

But it's not for you to choose what he prioritises when he sees them. You believe that friendships and social life are the most important so you prioritise that. Another parent might prioritise seeing extended family, or hobbies, or learning a skill, or family chill out time. These are all valid, and kids don't always have to be given their first preference. If you are resenting how much the kids are out and about on your time, perhaps you need to rebalance your own weekends too.

Isthisexpected · 15/06/2023 20:14

Smallfry79 · 15/06/2023 16:57

I can see where you are coming from and the dc will not want to miss out on things every second weekend.
However if he only has them EOW and not at all during the week, how is he meant to patent or spend much time with them if they are off at parties and sleepovers. Could this be where his reluctance comes from? Its different when you see them every morning and evening during the week.
Arrangements sometimes need to change as children grow and what once suited well is no longer working.

I bet it's nothing as noble as this. Just CBA more likely.

Isthisexpected · 15/06/2023 20:15

Royalbloo · 15/06/2023 19:58

I just say, "It's Dad's weekend, you'll have to ask him." Done.

This is the way to go. It's then clear to the children it's not your decision or fault.

Royalbloo · 15/06/2023 20:17

Honestly, as soon as I let it go, I felt so much better. Not everything is our fault all of the time but if you act like it is, so do the kids.

DD is 6 and she understands it's nothing to do with me. She has a voice and I'm teaching her to use it.

Vretz · 15/06/2023 20:18

I'm a NRP, and I never understand why indirect contact (texts, calls etc) isn't seen as a considerable solution to this. If DC11 has a mobile phone, then presumably dad can also build the relationship using calls/texts etc, and then he might be less reticent about "giving up time"?

This is literally what I do with mine (albeit with limited success due to their mum!) but for those who want to encourage the relationship with NRP AND DC to have active social lives, it's a real ace up your sleeve.

Royalbloo · 15/06/2023 20:18

Dumphone I honestly don't know how it happened. She really wanted to go so I said to talk to Dad about it and then he said yes.

I'm obviously paying for it Grin

Royalbloo · 15/06/2023 20:20

Sadly, DD also knows now that it's better for her to ask him. She asks me sometimes and I just say, "I can ask but he will probably say no to me. Why not ask him later?" And she does, AND he says yes!

Redlarge · 15/06/2023 20:20

Whaleandsnail6 · 15/06/2023 17:12

I actually think you are being a bit unfair in that he only sees them every other weekend so kid being away at a sleepover during that time is almost all of his time with him gone.

I think for now, you need to let him decide what he does during that time, maybe he has some family activities planned.

Absolutely not. So you get to do school, homework, drugery and your weekends to spend quality time with your kids you run round and honor all the invites whilst king daddy wants to make no effort what so ever. Selfish lazy c. Its his weekend to parent so if they have activities and invites he honors them.
For reference ive recently been thru family court with a selfish lazy arsehole ex and the judge completely agreed that he puts their needs first and parent.
Why does every weekend he get get to be a lazy holiday. Fkn selfisy disney dads. Make me sick.
You are not being unreasonable you are parenting your kids and priorotising them, he cant be arsed and wants it all his way
F him.

Redlarge · 15/06/2023 20:21

2bazookas · 15/06/2023 18:15

My ex wants no arrangements on his weekends.

He means,his weekends with the kids are his to organise as he sees fit, and he does not want you planning what he's going to do with them.

Perfectly reasonable.

She hardly plans and creates a birthday for thier friends ... he needs to pull his finger out and parent.