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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not want my dd watching this at her dads?

119 replies

lovelyjubblymum · 15/06/2023 13:21

Dd14 goes to her dad's every other weeks and they spend a lot of their time watching films "to bond" he says

The other day we saw the film This is England on TV guide and she told me she's seen it before w her dad. The film is 18 rated and is about skinheads, full of bad/racist language and violence. Aibu to not want her watching this?

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 16/06/2023 07:26

As long as your DD is able to say to her dad whether she wants to watch a particular film or not.

Mammyloveswine · 16/06/2023 07:27

At 14? I think it's a powerful film and it opens up a pathway for discussion!

TitoMojito · 16/06/2023 07:33

I saw This is England around that age and loved it. Fantastic movie. It's not as if you're supposed to agree with the racism in it. You're supposed to condemn it.

ShiteRider · 16/06/2023 08:12

Mylifeislikeaboatrace · 15/06/2023 13:52

How is this 'bonding' watching this puerile this rubbish? What is wrong in taking her out and doing stuff together where they actually have to talk to each other?
Sounds like a lazy thing to do , watch a shit film he wants to watch? Sounds dead beat dad tbh.

😳. Blimey!

The film isn’t my cup of tea but it’s hardly puerile, rubbish or lazy parenting. It’s an award winning film with a great cast which has the potential to encourage discussion and critical thinking.

How odd that you have such an extreme reaction to something just because it is not what you would want to do, especially when you’re criticising a dad because you’ve assumed that they’re only watching the film because he wants to.

Flatandhappy · 16/06/2023 08:17

You might not like it but dad makes the parenting decisions when your DD is with him. He may not agree with everything you do either, that’s the reality of shared parenting.

checkerblock · 16/06/2023 08:30

Her seeing it once would not alarm me. I would be concerned that she has been shown it more than once. Does he own it as a DVD to replay.
That could be 'grooming' in rightist attitudes.
It would be interesting to get her reaction to the rape scenes as well as the violent parts.

ButterCrackers · 16/06/2023 08:35

I’d be telling him to watch age appropriate films. An 18 rated film is not right for a 14yr old. He can choose other films.

WandaWonder · 16/06/2023 08:37

Flatandhappy · 16/06/2023 08:17

You might not like it but dad makes the parenting decisions when your DD is with him. He may not agree with everything you do either, that’s the reality of shared parenting.

Yes agreed

Tempone · 16/06/2023 08:37

What???
There aren't even any rape scenes, what are you talking about?

Her seeing it once would not alarm me. I would be concerned that she has been shown it more than once. Does he own it as a DVD to replIt would be interesting to get her reaction to the rape scenes as well as the there violent parts.

HeckinBamboozled · 16/06/2023 08:38

YABU. She's 14 and with her dad.

She's probably watching far worse on her or her friend's phone with no adult input.

ShiteRider · 16/06/2023 08:41

checkerblock · 16/06/2023 08:30

Her seeing it once would not alarm me. I would be concerned that she has been shown it more than once. Does he own it as a DVD to replay.
That could be 'grooming' in rightist attitudes.
It would be interesting to get her reaction to the rape scenes as well as the violent parts.

It’s been a while since I’ve seen it but it’s not exactly pro right wing attitudes from memory. I mean, they’d be pretty shit at grooming if this was the strategy.

ShimmeringShirts · 16/06/2023 08:46

Really you can dislike it as much as you want but it’s not up to you. She is with her parent who has responsibility for her, he can decide what is suitable and what isn’t. It can feel bad when we have our own parenting wants overruled but unfortunately that is what happens when you have a child with another person.

ButterCrackers · 16/06/2023 08:49

ShimmeringShirts · 16/06/2023 08:46

Really you can dislike it as much as you want but it’s not up to you. She is with her parent who has responsibility for her, he can decide what is suitable and what isn’t. It can feel bad when we have our own parenting wants overruled but unfortunately that is what happens when you have a child with another person.

I disagree. When the other parent is irresponsible then it needs pointing out and putting right. If the other parent is too stupid or uncaring to look after their child properly this doesn’t just have to be put up with by the other parent.

georgarina · 16/06/2023 08:52

Wouldn't have a problem with it. 14 isn't a baby. Did DD have a problem or feel like she was forced to watch?

NumberTheory · 16/06/2023 08:55

ShimmeringShirts · 16/06/2023 08:46

Really you can dislike it as much as you want but it’s not up to you. She is with her parent who has responsibility for her, he can decide what is suitable and what isn’t. It can feel bad when we have our own parenting wants overruled but unfortunately that is what happens when you have a child with another person.

^^ This. Unless your DD is distressed in some way or you can show that his judgement in this instance has had a negative affect on her, this just isn’t your call.

You could discuss with him how he chooses the films and tell him any concerns you have so he can take them into consideration. But there’s probably not much point in such a discussion unless you have a good cooperative relationship (and if you had that you’d probably have chatted with him about it instead of posting on here).

N0ChildrenYet · 16/06/2023 08:55

I’m pretty sure when I was 15 and started film studies (I’m 29 now), our teacher actually told us to watch This is England (the film). It wasn’t part of our exam, but we definitely had to watch it and explore the themes

Children are exposed to a LOT worse than This is England in school 😂 They are kids in maturity… and I imagine as the years have gone by it will have got worse.

Not to mention that as the world is changing, teachers are going to be exploring controversial topics that need to be talked about

JazbayGrapes · 16/06/2023 08:57

She is 14, not 4. She has probably seen worse content online already. Plus it is a really good film.

museumum · 16/06/2023 08:57

I think this film is within the boundaries of reasonable for a parent to allow a 14 year old to watch. And your ex is your Dds father, it is his decision. It’s not illegal.

Of course there is a boundary where it would be justified to intervene in another parents decision - if he were showing her awful horror torture film. Do you trust he wouldn’t do that? Is he ultimately a danger to your DD or does he just parent differently?

NumberTheory · 16/06/2023 09:01

ButterCrackers · 16/06/2023 08:49

I disagree. When the other parent is irresponsible then it needs pointing out and putting right. If the other parent is too stupid or uncaring to look after their child properly this doesn’t just have to be put up with by the other parent.

Show quote history

There is no evidence the other parent has been irresponsible. OP doesn’t like his judgement but hasn’t described any negative affects of his actions on their DD. So unless OP has missed out a huge chunk of relevant information, this simple falls within parental discretion and an attempt to dictate what the other parent does would simply be controlling.

N0ChildrenYet · 16/06/2023 09:01

Honestly, it is a great film with lots to talk and think about. In terms of innapropriacy, it is nothing. There is far far worse on TikTok and Facebook and Instagram and encounters in daily life.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable for having a normal human reaction for being worried - it is normal to worry about your children! It is okay to worry and only natural. But please don’t be angry at your husband for watching a movie with your daughter.

2pence · 16/06/2023 09:08

I think there a strong message in This is England about not getting sucked into gang culture.

Thomas Turgoose (sorry if I remembered his name wrong) is very young and seduced by the skins lifestyle and fashion (and the Northern Soul movement were similar but of course more racially inclusive than the London scene due to the love of obscure 60s black recording artists).

While Woody represents the "good" elements of skins/Northern Soul, it shows how easy it is to get sucked into the dangerous elements with the character Combo. When you're a kid it's hard to tell who's dangerous and this is a great lesson for a teen to take onboard.

My recommendation would be to watch the film so you can discuss it with your daughter (as she's already seen it).

GimmeSleep · 16/06/2023 09:09

I don't actually think the film is too bad for a 14 year old; and as previously mentioned raises some good topics for discussion.

If it was the series I actually really struggled with some of the episodes (Lol, Trev & Mick) in TIE86 so think the series might be a bit much for her.

purpleme12 · 16/06/2023 09:16

If people are bothering to make a comment on this film in agreement with OP they should at least be sure they know what they're talking about.
More than one person has mentioned rape.

There is no rape in This is England!

Yes in one of the Tele series there is.

But that's not what OP's talking about is it

IsItThough · 16/06/2023 09:16

It's a very good, very intelligent film and not inappropraite for a 14 year old to watch with a safe person, depending on the maturity of the child.

LlynTegid · 16/06/2023 09:16

Unaccompanied yes, not if alone. I'd be far more disapproving of something like Love Island.