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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my husband not to drink and drive at all

109 replies

Howgoesthework · 14/06/2023 15:22

Having had experience of a serious car crash, and with family members with alcohol use disorder, I know I have an issue with alcohol and driving. My husband thinks it’s ok to have a pint (only one) and then with drive our kids in the car. I told him I don’t want him to do this; no alcohol at all when he’s driving, especially with our children in the car, but really all the time, for everyone on the road. I know when he’s had a drink because he slurs. I believe this means the alcohol is affecting him, and therefore he shouldn’t drive. He denies slurring and insists he’s safe after one drink. Even if he is, surely he should respect my feelings here?

OP posts:
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Mumoftwoinprimary · 14/06/2023 16:06

When I was 15 I got myself a boyfriend who could drive. (#Humblebrag) My dad was very concerned about the possibility that he might drink drive with me in the car. I then told him that actually my bf either drank or drove but never both. Unlike him who quite often would have the odd drink and then drive.

He never had “just the one” ever again.

CurlewKate · 14/06/2023 16:06

If he slurs, he's having more than a pint.

Beachhutnut · 14/06/2023 16:07

I think driving the day after a heavy session is much worse. I bet loads of people think they're fine but actually shouldn't be going anywhere near a car.

PToosher · 14/06/2023 16:12

Oakbeam · 14/06/2023 16:03

YANBU - we have a lower limit in Scotland, which basically means no one risks having a drink if they are going to drive, it is effectively zero alcohol if you plan to drive. I think this is the best approach - saves confusion, saves lives.

An interesting claim from the Institute of Alcohol Studies…

”All estimates reveal that the lower Scottish limit had no impact on any type of road accident, from fatal crashes to collisions involving just slight injuries or drink drive accidents. This evidence holds true for various subgroups of the population (e.g., young men), and whether we consider nights, weekends, and rural or urban areas.”

None for the road: Why lowering drink drive limits didn’t lower road traffic collisions

Personally, I think the OP’s husband should abstain.

The Institute of Alcohol Studies is a temperance / anti-alcohol, organisation.
Whether their statements are accurate or not, they are not an independent scientific body.

ClareBlue · 14/06/2023 16:13

We are always you are either driving and no drink, or drinking and no driving. No point in trying to work out acceptable levels with so many variables at play and such potentially terrible consequences of it goes wrong. For the sake of having one pint, why even risk anything.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/06/2023 16:13

There's no way he's only had one pint if he's slurring his words.

My husband and I made a vow many years ago to never drink if we were driving because we wanted to set an example for our kids. If you're going to drive, absolutely no alcohol.

Original poster
Howgoesthework · 14/06/2023 16:15

OchonAgusOchonOh · 14/06/2023 15:54

I know I have an issue with alcohol and driving

Actually, no, you don't. You have a sensible attitude. Your dh, in contrast, does have an issue with alcohol and driving.

Any alcohol impairs your driving ability.

@BarryK3nt It’s fine to have one drink then drive, that’s why there’s a limit which is based on evidence.

The limit is not based on evidence that shows it is safe below that limit. The limit is there as we can have trace levels of alcohol from non-alcoholic food and drink.
This link - https://www.irishtimes.com/opinion/letters/drink-driving-and-the-scientific-evidence-1.3148367 - summarises the research that shows impairment well below the UK limits.

Thank you for sharing this, it's interesting and I will share with my husband.

OP posts:
ButterCrackers · 14/06/2023 16:17

No alcohol for 24hrs and then a breath test to check on the blood level should be the rule.

Loverofoxbowlakes · 14/06/2023 16:18

Slurring after just one pint?

I don't think so op. Zero with the kids in the car.

bonfirebash · 14/06/2023 16:18

That doesn't sound right with his slurring and I would get that looked at
I've been breathalysed before (long story) and had one pint of cider with a meal over a few hours plus soft drinks
I blew zero so slurring... no

ecdysiast2 · 14/06/2023 16:24

Who slurs after just one pint?!

I'd normally say a pint is fine-not that I'd do it myself but I'm 5'2 and just under 10st-if I was some 6foot tall heavy bloke I'd say It's okay.
I see the point about setting an example to children however. Having said that my Dad drinks and drives and I never would!

But slurring after a pint is odd OP!

Original poster
Howgoesthework · 14/06/2023 16:24

Dotjones · 14/06/2023 15:39

Call the police the next time he does it, just give them the car registration number and tell them you believe the driver may be over the limit. They will put an alert out and it's likely he will be breathalysed, if he's over the limit he'll lose his licence so your problem is solved.

Limit should be zero
Ridiculous comment because nobody who eats food can guarantee no alcohol is present in their system. Even in countries where the limit is officially zero there is actually a small tolerance because eating fruit for example can create alcohol in your body.

Ahahaha, no that really wouldn't be problem solved! It would cause many more problems, within our relationship, for his job, and logistically, having only one of us able to drive. But thank you for the idea ;)

OP posts:
Original poster
Howgoesthework · 14/06/2023 16:26

ecdysiast2 · 14/06/2023 16:24

Who slurs after just one pint?!

I'd normally say a pint is fine-not that I'd do it myself but I'm 5'2 and just under 10st-if I was some 6foot tall heavy bloke I'd say It's okay.
I see the point about setting an example to children however. Having said that my Dad drinks and drives and I never would!

But slurring after a pint is odd OP!

It's probably not so much that most people would notice anything amiss, but I guess after years together you notice small changes in your partner's behaviour. It's not like he's unable to talk, just that he speaks less clearly, so maybe slurring is an exaggeration.

OP posts:
Original poster
Howgoesthework · 14/06/2023 16:27

Aquamarine1029 · 14/06/2023 16:13

There's no way he's only had one pint if he's slurring his words.

My husband and I made a vow many years ago to never drink if we were driving because we wanted to set an example for our kids. If you're going to drive, absolutely no alcohol.

Yes, exactly re the example being set to the children.

OP posts:
Megifer · 14/06/2023 16:28

If he drinks pretty regularly then 1 pint won't make him slur his words so hes probably having more than that.

If you know where hes going to be id report him tbh. Someone did that when my SIL went into a shop and stunk of booze, she was pulled over by police about 15 min later and received a nice long ban 😌

amylou8 · 14/06/2023 16:28

I think the limit should be zero. If you want to drink you don't drive, no ambiguity then. I've seen the results of drink driving. I've also seen regular drinkers that have had a substantial amount and still blow under.
I'd put my foot down with the kids. If he wants to drive under the legal limit on his own that's his business, but if you think he's impaired (which is a separate offence even if he's under), then he'd not be driving with my kids in the car.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 14/06/2023 16:29

There are lots of parenting decision we need to make, and won't always agree on. This falls under it. You both parent the children and whilst he might argue your rule is "too harsh" or whatever, he simply cannot refute the fact that even 1 drink will affect the quality of his reactions and his driving ability. Not drinking one drink when he has the kids and the car is a no brainer here in terms of a parenting compromise.

Münchner · 14/06/2023 16:32

AgnesX · 14/06/2023 16:00

Personally I think it should be zero, the way it is in Germany.

It won't stop the drunk drivers and the chancers but it'll make the law and the punishment more clearly cut.

Same with drugs, chuck away the keys.

No the limit is not zero here in Germany, it's 0.05, same as in Scotland. For under 21s it is however zero.
Over the border in Poland it's zero.

Freefall212 · 14/06/2023 16:36

Here is a chart that helps predict BAC

It has a formula that includes weight, number of drinks, and time elapsed.

https://www.utc.edu/enrollment-management-and-student-affairs/center-for-wellbeing/alcohol-and-other-drug-education/blood-alcohol-content

gogohmm · 14/06/2023 16:38

I've never heard of anyone slurring after one pint of normal strength beer. Are you sure he's only having one?

I'm not tolerant of drink driving but one pint isn't enough to make a difference according to experts hence the limit - and for people who live rurally you simply would never be able to have a drink with a meal (we have no taxis). Fortunately I can walk to the pub but it's not possible for many

Freefall212 · 14/06/2023 16:40

And if he is slurring after one pint, then there is likely some kind of metabolic issue or allergic reaction to alcohol and he should see a doctor. Or you are making that up.

For an average adult man, one beer would lead to a BAC of <.02 within an hour.

Slurred speech is typically associated with the 3rd level of intoxication where BAC is betwen .09 and .12.

IsobelAndOthers · 14/06/2023 16:42

I think you're quite right and that he should respect your wishes.

IsobelAndOthers · 14/06/2023 16:43

Howgoesthework · 14/06/2023 16:26

It's probably not so much that most people would notice anything amiss, but I guess after years together you notice small changes in your partner's behaviour. It's not like he's unable to talk, just that he speaks less clearly, so maybe slurring is an exaggeration.

Show quote history

I know exactly what you mean, OP.

I can tell to the nearest can how much my husband has drunk.

Original poster
Howgoesthework · 14/06/2023 16:44

Freefall212 · 14/06/2023 16:40

And if he is slurring after one pint, then there is likely some kind of metabolic issue or allergic reaction to alcohol and he should see a doctor. Or you are making that up.

For an average adult man, one beer would lead to a BAC of <.02 within an hour.

Slurred speech is typically associated with the 3rd level of intoxication where BAC is betwen .09 and .12.

Hmm. I think I made it clear I wasn't 'making it up'! But thanks for taking the time to reply anyway.

OP posts:
Highfivemum · 14/06/2023 16:44

I totally agree with you. I think the rules need changing to zero alcohol as one drink can affect a person a lot more than another. Have zero and no confusion. I wouldn’t let him drive my DC in the car.