How do you not care what others think about you?

[WobblyWobbles]

Life would be so much less stressful if I could stop worrying about what others think of me. I feel so inadequate all the time. I mean I admit I am not the most competent person but I wish I wasn't so ashamed of it.

I think in a way this shame motivates me to at least try and do the basics but in instances where I can't or where it's just too stressful, or where it's something that really shouldn't affect anyone else (clothes, appearance, demeanor) I wish I could just not care.

Has anyone cracked this?

At some point you realise that other people don't really think about you. They are all too busy worrying what you think of them.

Who are these ‘others’, though? Your friends and family members whom you love? Or random neighbours/distant colleagues/ people at bus stops?

What do you think will happen if you stop caring what others think?

The "others" you mention are people who don't even really know you. You already know that the people who love you accept you as you are. These others just don't matter, and they genuinely don't give a fuck about you. They have too much bullshit to contend with in their own lives to even waste a minute being concerned with what you're doing. This is the truth. They just don't care, so why on earth do you?

Let all of this wasted emotion go. Liberate yourself from this imaginary prison you've created.

What helps is not telling anyone anything so they don’t know what’s going on.
Also being 40+ helps. I don’t care at all if someone thinks I dress scruffy or if I have some grey hairs. When I was 20 I would have spent 30 mins applying mascara everyday so nobody thought I had small eyes 😬

I think it’s age and experience. You reach the point where whether you like other people is more important to you than whether they like you.

At the moment it's colleagues but I suck at my job (or this particular aspect of it) so I don't blame them.

You get older and wear the clock of invisibility and the crown of no fucks.

As pp have said. You realise that just as you either don’t think about how someone looks, or remember, so do others neither waste time on pondering/remembering your own fashion choices.

I agree with this. I think you also tend to reach a point where the people you choose to be in your life - ie friends, family, loved ones - you know they love you. Colleagues - hopefully you reach a point where you're not too fussed what they think - ie with age and experience, you can be secure and comfortable enough in your skin. Anyone else, eg random strangers / distant acquaintances - who cares what they think of you?

Facts.

Also you need to find a way to get comfortable in yourself. Give your self a boost , new hair, new bag , avive something in your career things like that.

Sometimes something tragic happening to you stops you caring what others think

But generally as PP says everyone else is too busy with their own lives to worry about you and are more concerned with what you think of them

Be yourself

I think the terrain you want to cross is the word no.

You worry abut what others think, feel inadequate, and wish you didn't care.

To care you need to be able to say no.
To feel adequate, you need to stop saying yes.
To not worry about what others think you need a handle on both your yes and your no.

Most people are idiots. Hence Brexit, Boris, the obesity epidemic, Love Island, Mail Online etc etc. So why would I give a toss what those people think about anything?

Read Mark Manson subtle art of not giving a f*ck. Think it will help you.

This is so true.

You ask yourself why you give so much power over the way you feel and behave to other people. Other people that you do not particularly know or really care about.

I care what people close to me think but randoms no why?

Embarrassing isn't it!

Feeling inadequate and ashamed of yourself has much deeper roots than caring too much about other people’s opinion of you. It’s a reflection of your inner monologue and the thoughts you’re projecting onto yourself.

After all, how do you actually know these people have a low opinion of you? Unless they’re all ocean-going arseholes who freely say brutal things to your face, you really have no idea what they’re thinking - you’re just assuming the worst and berating yourself for other people’s imagined opinions, which must be exhausting.

I honestly think this can be more complicated for some people than simply ageing out of it. Everyone has a bit of insecurity, but genetics, upbringing and life experience can pre-dispose certain people to being much more keenly self-critical and unhappy in their own skin. So whatever you can do - anything at all - to actively build your confidence, quiet that inner critic and be kinder to yourself will help.

This might help:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Highly-Sensitive-Persons-Guide-People-Pleasing/dp/B0BFDFLW2J/ref=asc_df_B0BFDFLW2J/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=641622585564&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=4220277433315368823&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006491&hvtargid=pla-1937564992732&psc=1&th=1&psc=1
Or a book like it.
I have been a people pleaser for years. In my case, it is part of who I am as a sensitive person but i have worked on my assertiveness, power as an individual etc… it is very liberating and works well most of the time.

This.
And I say this as a fatty.

For me , it is about being honest with myself about who I am,flaws and all and making peace with that. And also knowing that I am doing my best and try to live a good life that doesn't hurt anyone. Being able to apologise when I'm wrong and willing to learn. Time (age) has got me to this point.

When you accept that you don't matter to anyone else other than your family, you're free from giving a . Honestly. I'm 37 and I have finally learned that. Liberating. Other people's opinions about me are that.... opinions. Think about it, there are billions of people with their own inner lives and stories.... and I care not a jot. You are one of those. Sounds bleak but actually, it's completely freeing.

Well that’s a bit different

because caring how you do at work, whether colleagues value your input, whether you are regarded as someone that can be relied on to do a good piece of work etc. is a good thing

if you suspect that your colleagues don’t think that. Why?

So

You care a out fact your colleagues think you suck at area of work that you also think you suck at

Heavens OP. It’s the opposite. It’s as though you don’t “care”. Because if you cared, you’d do something about the situation whether that’s improve, train or speak to your manager . Not navel gaze about how to “stop caring” on mumsnet

No-one knows what another person thinks. You only know what they say or what they do.

What are your colleagues saying or doing that leads you to be concerned?