How do you not care what others think about you?

[WobblyWobbles]

Life would be so much less stressful if I could stop worrying about what others think of me. I feel so inadequate all the time. I mean I admit I am not the most competent person but I wish I wasn't so ashamed of it.

I think in a way this shame motivates me to at least try and do the basics but in instances where I can't or where it's just too stressful, or where it's something that really shouldn't affect anyone else (clothes, appearance, demeanor) I wish I could just not care.

Has anyone cracked this?

You turn 50! 😄

If I don't like someone then I don't care what they think of me, but if I do like and admire someone then I do care what they think of me.
But you don't often get to find out what people think of you unless you are forever being called out/ taken to task by people and if so you probably do need to reflect on your behaviour.

When DS1 was a baby (he's 13 now) I had quite bad PND. At the end of every day I'd sit and think about all the things I'd done badly and imagine someone giving me a score out of 10. I'd get upset if the score was low (it always was).

I eventually had some talking therapy and told the therapist about the 'people in my head' who scored my parenting every day. She pointed out that it wasn't other people scoring my parenting. It was just me. I was judging myself.

This sounds so obvious looking back but it was a total revelation to me! That other people weren't scrutinising me and judging me. It gave me a whole new perspective on how I was parenting. I often think of this when I'm worrying about what 'people' think of me and remember to talk more kindly to/about myself.

as a pp says, you learn people rarely think of you at all! They think of themselves and perhaps their immediate others.

CBT helps. Look up online self-compassion and self acceptance workbooks.

Also, learning to identify the different kinds of unhelpful thinking. e.g 'I always fail to... Or I never cope with... You learn to recall times when you were competent.

Affirmations help. and 'wedge thoughts' or 'bridge thoughts' which are halfway between what you currently think and feel and how you;d like to think and feel.

e.g. Right now it might feel impossible for you to believe a thought like, 'i am confident and depend on my own self-worth, not validation through others' so instead you add amid-way thought:
"Right now I rely too much on validation from others but I am open and willing to change this so I can be more confident in my own self-worth. I am working towards not worrying what others think of me.'

A CBT game to play is, if someone cuts you dead in the street or glances your way and then turns back and laughs, to think of all the reasons they might have done that other than because they think badly of you.
Cut dead in the street - may be in a hurry, not wearing their contact lenses, deep in thought, having a bad day and unable to socialise, very shy with people they don't know too well.

The laugh: they're laughing at a joke and happened to glance round. They are happy, they saw something near me that made them laugh, they laugh nervously.

If you are badly treated by others who seem to enjoy cutting you out or dropping you, you soon learn to ask yourself - is that the kind of person I choose for my life? No, so I am glad they are backing away. I don't need to do anything, except politely decline any attempts by them to mix with me in the future. Use neutral language, so you don't overdramatise everyday social interaction.

Start off by developing some perspective. People come in all flavours. Some are highly compassionate and empathetic, some cruel and judgemental, most somewhere inbetween. Some people are insightful, many are not. Some people want the best for you, most don't really care, a few would like to tear you down. Some are trustworthy, many are not. So be aware that not everyone is worth listening to. If my partner or most trusted friend say something about me then I listen - because I know they're worth listening to. Other people hold up a mirror to us. But some of those mirrors are dirty, cracked or warped.

Are you saying you'd make no effort if you weren't ashamed?
You don't want to be motivated by shame. It sounds horrible. It's unsustainable.

I dunno what to say about the bigger question. I moved on from that (worrying what others think of me) as a child. My peers all hated me & typically felt like my parents weren't happy with me either, so I might as well do my own thing, I would never in a million years make them happy. It's liberating when you know people can't like you, you give up on that 'hope'.

I couldn’t care less about what people thing about me, I am who I am and that’s it, I consider myself loyal, friendly, sarcastic, friends say I’m funny, if someone don’t like me that’s fine, if we all got on the world would be a boring place, if someone has issues with my personality, it’s a them problem, I’m not changing to suit others, they either deal with it or don’t… couldn’t care less….

Meditate, journal, read those books recomended on here, get to know yourself and how to treat yourself with kindness.
Acknowledging the issue is rhe first step.
Feeling crap about work is draining. Are you in need of having fun/seeing friends/a break?

Also, tick those generic MH boxes by nurturing yourself: eating a good diet, exercising and being outdoors, friends, hobbies.

By remembering that outside of your family and close friends, genuinely, nobody cares about you that much or takes any notice of you.

Lockdowns and maybe hitting my mid 30s means I couldn't give a shit about anyone and what they think anymore. I used to find the complexities of workplaces and colleagues really stressful. But now I go to work, put my headphones in, get my job done, communicate directly with colleagues asking them for what I want with no preamble or buttering up, and have ditched all the niceties (obviously I treat people with respect and kindness, but I don't make any extra effort to be 'liked'). I don't care what they did at the weekend and I don't care about their kids or pets or hobbies, why pretend? If I'm invited to leaving drinks or lunches or work things I don't want to go to, I simply say I can't make it and don't offer any excuses. Nobody actually cares if I'm there or not. My life is so much better! There's no pressure. And nothing has changed, nobody treats me any better or worse because of it.

My friends and family love me, I'm kind and polite and take good care of my daughter and dog. I look clean and tidy. I work hard.
Absolutely nothing else matters and other people's option of anything I do matters even less.

I think it's about boundaries. Blend and be economical with what you share.

Specifically what? If it's core to your role then how do you improve at it?

Everyone has aspects of their job they are weaker at. If we could all do everything no one would specialise at anything?

To your question. You can train yourself and it gets easier but I think it's something g you are born with. My husband ties himself up in knots about what others think of him, I don't. We have two children. One does, the other couldn't give a sh*t in much the same way as I didn't at her age.

Haha I come across awfully. The more I stress and try to come across better the more tripe that comes out my mouth.

After the umpteenth person thinking I'm a weirdo I stopped caring as it was a routine reaction 😂

Don't notice adverse reactions to me anymore, or stressing less made me act less odd.

I plod along in my little bubble quite happily.. it would appear strangers find me more of a hindrance to their life then myself and family find me so doesn't matter.

I think you would really benefit from therapy.

It is not a good thing to come to peace with notion that you are simply an unlikeable person

This should be made into an inspirational quote on Pinterest.

just to say it happens automatically when you get past 40!! Somehow something clicks and you realise you have seen all the bullshit situations that arrise,yep you have seen it all before,Nothing will surprise you and your inner confidence on knowing you know you best just happens. Its very liberating!You have survived this far so you can;t be doing too bad and you will survive tomorrow and the next day even by kist plodding on and doing nothing. Trust yourself,laugh often and think the sun will set and the sun will rise and yesterday doesnt matter. You will be fine. So yes you might have abad day but its done tomorrow might be great who knows? !!!! The people making you feel bad still have to work,still have to battle with their issues,still have to pay the sameissues as you, they are equals or less than you not better!!

I think posters haven’t clicker that this OP isn’t talking about people judging her for what she looks like or how she parents etc

but it’s colleagues thinking she sucks at an area of work that the OP herself knows she sucks at.

Puts just a slightly different slant on the issue IMO

I grew out of it somewhere in my late 40s. I think it was the realisation of two things. First, overall I'm a good person and my positive impact on others has been, and is, greater than my negative. I have faults and inadequacies, but thats too bad. Dont we all? I work on those that matter and those i can change but only as it suits me. Doesn't matter how close I get to 'perfection' people like and want different things so I'd not please them all.
Secondly, the people who I like, love and respect reciprocate, so theres no time to invest in worrying about those that dont, or who I dont even know.

I genuinely don't think about it...and genuinely don't give a shit. But then I'm not a people pleaser, or anxious in general, which is possibly where these feelings of inadequacy stem from? It must be awful to feel like this OP...please try not to. Honestly, other people won't be thinking too much or too closely about you (I mean this kindly!)

Caring about what others think doesn't mean people will like you. As long as you act in a decent way that's what matters.

People will decide if they like you/don't like you and you can't control their opinion, it's a waste of time trying.

Because age teaches you over time that:

• Most people don’t really give a shit about anyone other than a small handful of people they really love so expending energy and self respect on people who don’t care about you is a complete waste of time
• Trying to please everyone never works: by definition you will never be liked by everyone. Far better to be authentically liked by the people who matter than tolerated without any respect by everyone.
• People can sense a people pleaser a mile off and it’s a turn off unless you are abusive, in which case it gets used against you. In the long run learning not to be a people pleaser is a very good way of protecting yourself
• People who are true to themselves ultimately end up with better and more durable friendships than people who try to run with the crowd all the time.

I used to worry far far too much about thud when I was younger. I have learned now to not care about people unless they have shown me they deserve it.

It’s partly a factor of age and having the scars but having good mental discipline helps. Positive affirmation goes a long way.

So, so true.

Talk about shoe horning 🙄

You can't control what others think, you can only control your response to it. Hard to accept, at first. It's other people who have the problem, not you.

However, if it's about your work performance, that's different, if you need to do something about it, to improve. Extra training etc.

If you're struggling with one part of your job, deal with it. Face it head on. Ask for help, training, a bit of advice, support, whatever you need to jump this hurdle.

As for the rest of life, I agree with pps. Mostly other people are just getting on with their own lives and not thinking about you at all. Even if they do pay attention and it's negative, so what? What's going to happen? Will you melt If someone judges you? Shrug your shoulders, move on and live your life.

Do ask about the work issue though, as that can be fixed.