How do you not care what others think about you?

[WobblyWobbles]

Life would be so much less stressful if I could stop worrying about what others think of me. I feel so inadequate all the time. I mean I admit I am not the most competent person but I wish I wasn't so ashamed of it.

I think in a way this shame motivates me to at least try and do the basics but in instances where I can't or where it's just too stressful, or where it's something that really shouldn't affect anyone else (clothes, appearance, demeanor) I wish I could just not care.

Has anyone cracked this?

My father was obsessed with what people thought about him and us as a family and it permeated/ polluted all my childhood. My mother would constantly say " whatever will people think". It was really draining and stressful. It seemed to be hugely important. When my first husband left, their main concern was what everyone would think and how appalling it was that I was getting a divorce( he left us for a 17 year old colleague so I didn't have much choice really). Totally bizarre . My friends were brilliant and ,as my life rebuilt, I realised that nobody cares half as much as you think they do .My view ,as a post menopausal woman, is that ,as long as I am not hurting/ inconveniencing anyone, then what I wear and do is nothing to do with anyone else. I am retired and have joined lots of groups. I feel my way in and work out the dynamics but it's very freeing to be happy in my own skin. If I make a new friend that's brilliant. If I have a pleasant time, don't annoy anyone and then head off home then that will do too.

This.

This absolutely 💯.
I was mid 40s when I got to this stage of my life and I've not looked back 😁

This came up in conversation with a friend last night. He said it changed his life. Thinking of giving it a go myself.... I too worry too much about what others (colleagues mainly) think of me and it's holding me back at work. If I had more confidence to be myself I could be doing much better than I am (I'm doing alright, but need to push myself more, speak up more etc).

Here you go @FearTheWankingDead

Nothing. Ignore me. I had a bit of a wobble last night because I'm so stressed about work at the moment and I've been asked to do something that I'm struggling with. And I'm hugely embarrassed that I'm struggling with it. I was just kind of fantasizing how nice it would be to not feel so stressed all the time and worry about my performance and what my colleagues and bosses think.

However I do realise that the reason why I care so much about people at work think is because I do want to do a good job and I feel super guilty when I think I am not. I get decent feedback about my work but I struggle with imposter syndrome. I also have ADHD, which makes it really difficult to focus. I waste hours procrastinating during the day and then have to make up for that in the night. I'm just exhausted.

With this particular situation I have decided to just admit clearly what I'm struggling with and ask for help, which I did today morning. I still feel like an idiot but my colleague was also very understanding.

Sorry I haven't read all the replies yet but ignore the work situation everybody. That's just nonsense I was talking. It's what motivated me to post this thread but I actually do want to know how people get themselves to not care so much about what others think in general.

Wow that’s amazing!
I shall print it out to display it and be outed as a mumsnetter to anyone that sees it.

Confidence. Mine grew steadily as I got older but yoga really helped and particularly the revelation that when I was younger, I thought I always had to change or improve myself, that I wasn't good enough or that other people were superior. I came to realise sometime in my 40s that I'm fine, just as I am.

Acting helps as well. I used to like drama at school. If I don't feel confident I ask myself how would a confident person behave in that situation? Then pretend.

Aging definitely helped me. I'm in my 50s and I could not give less of a shit what people who are irrelevant to my life think of me on a general level.

Obviously, i hope, that doesn't mean I behave like an arsehole. I just don't attach any importance to the possibility of strangers thinking I'm fat, or ugly or dressed badly, or need to brush my hair. All 4 of those are true and I Do Not Care.

Just for a different point of view. I think it's somewhat important what people think of you.

If everyone thinks you're an arsehole than is it possible you are.

OP I'm not talking about you specifically but we do have a responsibility to be part of the world and to do it to the best of our ability.

If we all walked around thinking I don't give a shit about what people thought, it would be a bleak existence.

Yeah, I think this is it.

It's not that you never care at all, but the group of people whose views you're actually bothered about often shrinks. I just feel now that I have much less reason to be bothered than I did when I was younger, if that makes sense? As middle age approaches you're just less likely to be in a position where general approval affects you.

Op, the simple way to see it is:

1. people don’t care so much about you, you are worrying for things they most likely didn’t think or have forgotten about.

2. work on yourself esteem, if you are telling yourself repeatedly that “they”may be thinking this or that of you, you are being very very unkind to YOURSELF so keep your thoughts on track.

3. For more important stuff ir actual gossip remember, people who knows you and care about you won’t believe it, those who don’t don’t matter.

In your case OP it sounds like a stress related response.

I go with 'whatever people think about me isn't any of my business' and this one took way longer than I'd like to admit but 'unless someone specifically says 'I'm annoyed with you for doing xyz' then they're not annoyed and it's my imposter syndrome talking.

Tbh having cancer helped because I lost the ability to give a shit what people were thinking of me

@StormShadow yes I think you've hit the nail on the head. The group of people who you do actually care about their opinion of you - you know they like and love you because that's why they're in your life and you in theirs (and if they don't, then maybe that's an indication to rethink having them in your life).

Everyone else - you just get much much less fussed about their approval.

Ah, the joy of age and experience!

Something happened that made me realise that, actually, you don't have to do that much to be 'a good person' and that being basically decent is really all that matters. Some of us put ourselves under massive pressure to be 'perfect', usually whilst also making huge allowances for other people's imperfections, ironically enough! So we essentially hold ourselves to a much higher standard than we expect of others, which is completely illogical when you think about it.

So once I saw how unfair I was being to myself I made a real effort to stop. I noticed how horribly I 'spoke' to myself in my head, how critical I was and how much I overthought everything so every time I caught myself doing those things I would make myself stop and think something positive about myself instead. It did take effort to start with but over time has become automatic and I genuinely feel so much better about myself now because I focus on the positive.

I have autism and know this plays a part, it's hard not to feel paranoid about how others perceive me and what I'm doing when I know my brain works differently to the NT people around me and so I probably do behave differently to them. But I've accepted who I am and I accept others for who they are, so I try to go through life assuming people will do me the same curtesy these days, and usually they do!

1. NO ONE cares about you apart from your closest family and maybe some friends.
2. If, for some reason, someone will decide to judge you, they will find a reason no matter how perfect you might be.

You get older. Then you genuinely don't care less.

That’s fantastic, thank you! 👏👏👏

I probably didn't explain well. It's not that I'm sure I'm unlikeable. it's more that I give up thinking it's in my power to make them like me.

it's that I know that if people decide they don't like you, they made that decision. It's on them, and I can't actually change their minds. Nor should I get worried about it because they can't be made happy by anything I do. it's out of my power what happens in their heads.

Agreed

but in your previous post - you give the impression that you have not a single friend and never have done.

is that the case?

Have you looked into rejection sensitivity and ADHD?

@WobblyWobbles do you mind saying what it is that you've been asked to do that you're struggling with?

Another vote for “not giving a fuck” book.

I have dyspraxia and sometimes struggle to do tasks that others find simple. For example, I can easily write a 5000 word report, but ask me to complete an Action Plan and I start to feel sick and don’t know what to write in the boxes.

Is it something like this OP? If so, honesty is definitely the best policy. I try to find someone I can swap shit tasks with, or just make it clear what I can and can’t do.

Once people realise you aren’t being a diva/slacker they are usually kind. They will all have something they find difficult too.