To say no to social services re: my niece and nephews...

[mrsneate]

To cut a long story short, this is the fourth time in 9 years social services are involved with my brother and his children.

The first time. I drove 200 miles with no notice to collect Brother and his three kids. They lived with me for 8 months. It was hell. Small 3 bed house, 3 children of my own and my ex husband (we were still married) I supported them all financially, got them into schools, he was then given a council property, the children were taken off the register (on it because of their mum)

Fast forward 3 years, a neighbour reported him for various things. They were put back on the register, my brother worked with them, I supported him.

18 months ago, 2am police knock on my door with my eldest nephew. (16 at this point!) him and dad had gotten into a physical fight, could I take him, of course I said yes, the next day social worker came round, when police had entered their property. It was t fit to live in. Stinking dirty, rubbish everywhere.

Me and my SIL (other brothers wife) went round, and blitzed his house, I did 20 loads of washing, 16 dishwasher cycles. The house was spotless.

They asked me to take all 3. I couldn't, I work full time night shifts and was a single parent, my nephew was with me for 10 weeks with no support from
Social services or my brother financial or otherwise, then my nephew was 17 and could decide he wanted to go home. He went home. Case was closed

This week, I randomly had a phone call from a social worker. There had been an anonymous report from someone that he was leaving the youngest alone for long periods (she's 11) and there was no food in the house. He's drinking all the time, the house is a state.

I only ever see my brother these days when he pops to my house with my niece. She always looks clean.

They told me it's looking like it's going down the route of removing the children (11 and 16?) and would I be in a position to take them in, until he decides to cooperate and work with them, told them no, although I'm no longer single, my fiancé works away for months at a time and I still work night shifts, and still only live in a 3 bed house with 2 of my boys (oldest has moved out) she got really arrogant with me after that. I pointed out they need to stop closing the case, keep them on the register.

But guilt is eating me up, there has been a suggestion they go back to their mother. But that will be a disaster. I have text my brother and offered to help him clean the house. Again, but I am
Pissed off with him, and it's annoying me that he keeps having passes because he's a male single parent! He works school hours and earns good money, he's not skint.

What would you do?

@MillbankTower

I took my nephew in for 3 months and got nothing. Despite asking for help. I had to buy him a bed, clothes etc

We bought our house based on the fact we both had stable long term employment with good earnings.

Any finances for my niece and nephew is rightly so, for them,

If I quit my Job, my children suffer.

If this was me I would take them in but I would fight to never let them go back again . Your brotherhood an u fit parent . If you do t take them in they will end up in foster care . You can get financial help to look after them too. I know they are not your responsibility . I’m just giving my personal opinion as o adore my nephew

will people stop sayig it will be fine because of all the money she will apprently get

its not about that

I can't believe some of the responses here. You don't have space, you have a job which means you couldn't look after them anyway and your children need your care.

I can see that this is well meaning but leaving an 11 year old alone for 13 hours overnight would mean the OP is now neglecting her and leaving her at risk.

Support her going to a Foster carer where she will not be neglected (and if she was OP would report them).

OP is a nurse. Those of you saying she should take them in, she would have to give up her job FGS as if we aren’t desperately short of nurses! Just stop trying to send her on a guilt trip.

Are you enabling your brother by stepping in and sorting shit out for him all the time? Sounds like he's not fit to be a parent so they should be removed from his care. Can you take the 11 year old? SS could find somewhere for the older ones.

Stand firm.

Social services will promise you the world of support then forget all about you once the kids are safe.

You've stepped up time and time again. It's about time your brother learnt the hard way to get his ass in gear.

I'm saying this as someone who was on the at risk register and have since had to up root my life for younger siblings and nieces and nephews.

I would take my nieces / nephews in, the alternative would be too awful to accept. But my circumstances aren't yours: I'm a single mum, but work daytime hours and have a small spare room. You can only do what is possible. It is so, so sad for the children though.

@JaneNormanBag what a nasty post. You should be ashamed of yourself

I'd stop jumping in to be the sticky plaster on your brothers mess. They are his children and it's his responsibility to step up- if he can't do that consistently then as awful as it sounds you need to let him try it alone because them he'll either rise to it or ss will know he can't and that he's unable to provide any stability for the kids. Better that then the case is closed again and one of them comes to harm when noones watching and he inevitably can't cope.

It's getting increasingly difficult to place children now, there's fewer Foster carers and more children than ever before entering the care system. So it's at breaking point. Sws can't find suitable accommodation with increasing regularity and its highly unlikely they'd be placed together.

In all honesty I'd be inclined to take them but I'd want a support package in place from ss to cover them financially and to give you respite and help for them getting to activities etc. That's all doable - could look like a shopping allowance for clothes, funded after school activities and taxis to and from or a pa to bring them and identified respite care to take them on nights you can't be at home for example. I'd want that set up and if sw won't do it I'd contact someone specialised in children's law because there are legal duties to these kids and it would be good to understand the specifics of what they're entitled to. A charity for children in care could also help with this and give your family additional support so a referral could be part of the support package. There are also charities for kinship care who could help advocate on your behalf. I'd also push for LAC status and ask if you can be classes as a Foster carer so you get the full entitlement.

But ultimately you need to want to do it and have the capacity yourself for it because they'll have a lot to process and work through and you'll need to stick with that no matter what shape that takes. If you don't think you can do that bit then better they go to someone who can. They will most likely be separated though.

you can’t do it - fine. Just say no. Hopefully your brother sorts it out and if not - SS will have to put them in foster care or back to their mum 🤷🏻‍♀️

This. People can't be arsed reading the whole thread or are being deliberately obtuse

By saying OP is enabling brother, youte basically placing responsibility and blame on her for his abuse and neglect.
And have you bothered to read the thread where she says she had no room and would have to give up her job. How would you imagine she'd conjure up a spare room and be OK with giving up her hard earned career?

Your own children are your priority. Your other brother has a two income household you don’t. Let him take a bit of the load if he can. You are not doing anything selfish or wrong in looking after your own immediate family - it’s your responsibility to mind your sons and it sounds like you are doing a great job. I think you have rightly identified that the impact on your children will be extensive if your niece and nephew move in - don’t risk it. These children need huge support and foster carers are trained to do this. Keep the lines of communication open and give the support that you can but you can’t be expected to take this on it’s too much

They aren't bloody goldfish, you know.

I wouldn't take the kids. You've done more than is to be expected. Going into care, so children's home or Foster home, isn't necessarily the worst thing ever.

Sorry to cause confusion, I now have a partner and do have two income household. But he works away for two months at a time at sea

I'm not sure what the point of this thread is. You're asking what posters would do but it doesn't matter what we'd do. You've decided you're not going to do anything this time because you feel you can't.
From the details in your OP, it seems naïve in the extreme to think you and SIL tidying the house meant everything was fine. You seem to be expecting SS to support your feckless DB indefinitely. They can't parent 24/7 for him. All they can do is ask family to take the DCs or put them into the system.
You're entitled to say 'no' but don't underestimate how it will impact your own DCs to know that their cousins have went into the system because no-one in the wider family was able to take them. That lack of support and instability will be felt by all DCs in the wider family. There isn't any decision that doesn't impact your DCs too.

What a horrible situation for you to be in OP ! Wrong of SW to give you a guilt trip...
I can't and don't even want to imagine how difficult it must have been to say 'No'.

We figured it had all got too much and maybe getting the house more manageable would help. It clearly didn't.

I'm angry at my brother. So angry.

I hope you told the SW to fuck right off! They had NO right to say that to you

I would take them. Will the oldest move out/go to college at 18?
It will be difficult though

I don't see how you CAN take them. Have you put it to the pushy SW, made it her problem to solve - "OK if I take them, who is going to look after them while I am at work? Who is going to pay for them?"

I think the social worker was very wrong to say that.

OP, in your shoes I’d keep on doing what you’re doing, but I wouldn’t take them in. You’re already shouldering a lot of responsibility and it sounds as though you really don’t have the time, space or money to take on any more children. Someone else will have to step up this time. I hope that SS can find experienced foster carers for them.