Why does he speak to me like this?

[LemonjeIIo]

Had dinner, I had made a drink and said, I'll go and get a snack. Brought back some biscuits and cheese on a board on my lap and proceeded to make a snack. As I bit into the snack, I get, Oh don't ask me if I want one will you? Then called me greedy. I mean, why can't he just say, Oo cheesy snack, can I have one? Why is it always me doing something wrong? It's all the time, I'm on edge. It's like I have to second guess every time, it makes me anxious. Another example when the cat didn't eat her expensive food, and he threw it away. I said oh that's a shame. But he snapped at me and said Well what did you want me to do with it? He could have just agreed with me and said Yeah, we won't buy that one again. But no, it's always me that seems to be the baddie.
How can I get him to stop doing this? I do try to say please don't do that but then he says It's my opinion, I'm entitled to my opinion.
Any advice?

I've lived with someone like this. He had a terrible childhood - emotionally abusive mother. He treated me the same way you describe, looking to pick fault and engineer criticism where there wasn't any.

They do this to vent their bitterness from their past, its their outlet their negative thoughts and feelings. They know it makes you feel bad, it somehow offsets their feelings as its as though they're passing on the negatively.

He won't change because he cant. I wasted 2.5 years of my life. It was joining MN during lockdown that made me see sense. When I ended the relationship it was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I hadnt realise how worn down and on edge he had made me.

Do whats right for you OP, get out of this relationship before you lose your strength to look after yourself x

You can't get him to do anything. A hard lesson I learnt after suffering through several genuinely abusive relationships. Just get out, it's not worth your sanity. He's a dick.

Neither of you sound happy. You need to either sort it out or move on

He pays his way but I had to ask him for the first 3 months if he had transferred the money. He made me wait

I realise that I sat down (long day at work no dinner made for me ) and cut cheese and put it on a biscuit and then put it in my mouth where every step he watched. I was still eating it when he said it. Bearing in mind, he frequently makes drinks when I'm standing in the kitchen just for himself without offering one to me. I don't ever say a word about that 😞 but when I have said something, he always brings up something to counteract why he didn't do a drink for me.

I agree

yes why not bring 2 or sit together and share the cheese or ask if he would like some that would be good manners

Nothing original to offer here. It seems to be cut and dried. If being with someone makes you feel on edgeif that person keeps being grumpy and rude to yousimply move on. Tell him very specifically and calmly that you have had enough of his behaviour and that you want him to move out. I would recommend giving him a deadline e.g. I'd like you to move out by the end of the month. No apologies - just be assertive.

Sorry - didn't mean to have any of that crossed out. They were supposed to be dashes.

How old are you both and how long together? Does he have any good qualities that make him worth keeping around?

My opinion: people do do this because when don’t feel good about themselves. He’s taking that and all of life’s stress out on you.

Next time he says something crappy, you could try to laugh and make a joke of it. Because it really isn’t about you. Like, you are greedy for not offering him biscuits, but he just threw away a perfectly good cat food snack without offering it. Or whatever, just try to take control and lighten the mood.

DP and I were guilty of snapping at each other assuming the other person was making a negative comment rather than an innocuous one and then having a row because the other person had snapped. Usual because one of us was knackered or stressed or whatever and the rest of the time it was fine.

We made a conscious but small effort to assume the other person was being nice and normal - which we were! - and problem solved.

If he’s not willing to bother with your relationship and is just a nasty bastard it’s time to go, he won’t magically not be a nasty bastard. And having been there fuck me it’s sad and exhausting and lonely.

Tbh I would have said to my DH “do you fancy some cheese and biscuits?” Rather than just going to get some for myself.

If dh had brought in a board of cheese and biscuits, put on his lap, made up a biscuit and started chomping into it I would be a bit 🤔 too.

I would have said to dh do you fancy cheese and biscuits? Then when I brought it in I would have said I've got some of that cheddar and water biscuits, do you want yours over there or share on the board, rather than just digging in myself and ignoring him. He would have done the same if he was getting the snack.

The cat food sounds like he thought you were criticising him for making the decision to put the food in the bin rather than it is a shame the cat didn't like it, but he could have clarified what you meant.

Sounds like you both have communication problems, not just him. Just because his reaction the miscommunication is to be pissed off and your reaction is to play wounded doesn't mean it is only him who is causing the issues.

You either both want the relationship enough to be honest and make an effort, or accept you are simply not compatible.

I totally get you. My DH does this. I frequently edit myself. It’s so fucking depressing…

Folk with normal husbands don’t understand.

Crikey OP, I could have written this myself - except my partner is now my ex thankfully.

I think he genuinely enjoyed making himself the victim in every scenario. He could never just agree that something was a bit rubbish, had to take offence like I'd personally attacked him.

Happy to say several months on and being single is much, much easier!!

He is an asshole.
I think the snack incident shows how unhealthy the relationship is. I get what you are saying that he could have just asked for some but you went to the kitchen, made the snack, came back and sat with it on a board on your lap. If that was a healthy relationship you would have asked him if he wanted some, made extra and put it on a table between you, or even if you'd put it on your lap, offered it to him etc. In a healthy relationship people would normally ask the other person if they want a drink if they are boiling the kettle for their own, but he just makes his own drinks.
And nobody would be snapping at people and calling them greedy!

The pet food thing. The "Oh that's a shame" is something that upsets me when I've had to do something that wasn't ideal and maybe not been particularly happy about having to do it. I find the "oh that's a shame" to be quite critical, even though rationally I know the majority of people don't use it as a criticism. I don't know why that phrase triggers me, but it does. I think because I have an aunty who uses it at me all the time and she is definitely criticizing. You weren't of course. But for me, and maybe your OP too, we hear it differently. I accept that is 100% my problem and I have never snapped back at anyone about it, but it really does set me off into self doubt about whether I should have made a different decision.
He is a complete and utter knob to snap back at you though.

I think this relationship isn't happy and these are just two of many examples and you might want to think about whether you would be happy without this in your life.

In your OP, you said you had already had dinner. And then you went to get yourself a snack. So you seem to be conveniently changing the story now. But yes if he regularly gets up to get himself something and not offer you, that is pretty poor behaviour from him, but that is not what you have said previously.

I would consider myself to have a fairly normal relationship and if I were going to get myself a snack or a drink I would ask him if he wanted anything, likewise if he were going to get a snack or drink he would ask me. I thought that was normal, if isn’t hard.

It'd be interesting to know how he behaves with other people. Is he the same? If yes, at least you'll know its not just you that he doesn't respect.

Relationships aren't supposed to be combative.

He sounds like an absolute dick.

Added to it that he lives in your house - kick him out!

I agrée and that’s often the case on here.

People who haven’t been married to a dick like this want to find the middle way.

Others who’ve been in relationships that are similar recognise the type - nit picking at you (bot the other way around), not letting you feel relaxed in your own home etc

He speaks to you like this because you tolerate it.

Bin him. I think you will be much happier without him.

You can't change him
He doesn't care what you think or want
Single life is underrated Try it

@NoTouch and @dickheed have nailed it I think. It sounds like both the communication and the relationship itself are pretty bad. Sitting down with the cheese board on your lap instead of on a table or whatever between you was a pretty clear “this is mine” message. His response was disproportionate and nasty.

As April noted, the story also changed from having had dinner to not having had dinner (and it was his fault). In a healthy relationship it wouldn’t be necessary to edit or revise things to try to make yourself feel more valid because a healthy relationship isn’t about score keeping or being right. It shows how far things have degraded.

Thankfully since it is your house it sounds like you can get him out relatively easily. Tell him to get lost and find someone who isn’t nasty and who you are more compatible with in terms of communication. Life is too short for bad relationships.

‘Nowhere to go’…? He’s only got ‘nowhere to go’ because he hasn’t started looking for a place to rent yet, or a hotel to stay in while he looks.

He earns enough for rent: therefore he has somewhere to go.

OP, if you don’t want to break up with him, and if this is the relationship for you, that’s up to you.

But don’t say he has ‘nowhere to go’.