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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why does he speak to me like this?

108 replies

LemonjeIIo · 13/06/2023 21:17

Had dinner, I had made a drink and said, I'll go and get a snack. Brought back some biscuits and cheese on a board on my lap and proceeded to make a snack. As I bit into the snack, I get, Oh don't ask me if I want one will you? Then called me greedy. I mean, why can't he just say, Oo cheesy snack, can I have one? Why is it always me doing something wrong? It's all the time, I'm on edge. It's like I have to second guess every time, it makes me anxious. Another example when the cat didn't eat her expensive food, and he threw it away. I said oh that's a shame. But he snapped at me and said Well what did you want me to do with it? He could have just agreed with me and said Yeah, we won't buy that one again. But no, it's always me that seems to be the baddie.
How can I get him to stop doing this? I do try to say please don't do that but then he says It's my opinion, I'm entitled to my opinion.
Any advice?

OP posts:
UpaladderwatchingTV · 13/06/2023 23:51

For goodness sake OP, you've obviously had enough of him. He doesn't appear to even like you, so just tell him that you're sick of the way he speaks to you, and it's time for him to move out. Ideally give him a day/date you want him gone by, and arrange to have the locks changed on that day, so he can't get back in, whether he's taken his stuff or not. Men like this really are a waste of your time and energy. Get rid and start living again, you'll be MUCH happier once he's gone. Oh, and he's not nice, he's just better at hiding his true self some of the time, than he is others.

UpaladderwatchingTV · 13/06/2023 23:53

Just another thought OP, if you were told you had 2 weeks left to live, would you want to spend them being miserable with him? If the answer's no, then stop wasting even a minute more. As the saying goes, and it's so true, 'life is NOT a rehearsal', we're here for a limited time, and none of us know when that time's going to run out, so we owe it to ourselves to be as happy as we can be, EVERY SINGLE DAY!

LemongrassLollipop · 14/06/2023 00:08

LemonjeIIo · 13/06/2023 22:21

Yes!!!! Exactly this 💯 . There's always a hidden meaning. But no there really isn't!!

Show quote history

It's so stressful isn't it? How long have you been in your relationship and was it always like this?

Lilyargin · 14/06/2023 00:22

OP, life is much too short to be putting up with wearing, trivial-but-actually-huge shit.

Apart from how it makes you feel, it's so boring. Eurgh.

Get rid of this negativity in this life.

ASimpleLampoon · 14/06/2023 00:34

1). Dump his miserable ass
2) Change your locks and tell him to go
3) book the holiday just for you.

honestly I did exactly this once. That was the best holiday ever. Had so much fun doing everything grumpy ex would not have approved of and enjoyed having no one to spoil it.

steff13 · 14/06/2023 00:37

roarfeckingroarr · 13/06/2023 21:56

I hate the word snack misses point

he's an arsehole and you deserve better

I also kind of hate it.

LatteOneShotplease · 14/06/2023 00:41

Who needs a snack straight after dinner anyway?

Mmhmmn · 14/06/2023 00:44

LemonjeIIo · 13/06/2023 22:19

I'm forever saying to him it's the way you speak to me that I don't like but he never changes. He has contempt in his voice when he says it, and I tell him this and he says well you do it to me and he's allowed an opinion, then he often says it's like being in an abusive relationship with me because I treat him badly when I say he speaks to me like dirt

There is no point in getting into a debate with men like this. They enjoy proving you wrong (in their head). The point is that he's making you unhappy. You don't have to reason with him or provide examples or evidence or build your case. Life is too short. Just remember that you can kick him out purely because he is making you unhappy.

Gymnopedie · 14/06/2023 01:05

LemonjeIIo · 13/06/2023 21:57

It's my house. He has nowhere himself

Show quote history

That's the best post I've read all day. You can turf him out and there's nothing he can do. Why is he still there when all he does is put you down? He's eating away at your self esteem, it comes through in your posts, and if you don't act soon there'll be nothing of the real you left.

Out of interest does he contribute financially or are you giving him a free roof over his head? Not that it matters to your response to him, but I wonder if he's being a cock lodger as well.

Forgoodnesssakemeagain · 14/06/2023 06:57

I agree you can’t stay with someone who makes you feel this way but the answer really could lie in his past. If he is a nice guy too and open to it maybe some counselling about his past / couples counselling could be a way forward. He may be projecting his anger/ defensiveness onto your relationship. I’m not saying to stay but maybe see if he is open to this idea first. If not then there is no future to this relationship .

Kazzyhoward · 14/06/2023 06:58

Get rid of him. You can do so much better.

misskatamari · 14/06/2023 07:07

He’s an abusive arsehole, grinding you down. He’s issues aren’t your problem and he’ll only change if he wants to and accepts responsibility for his actions and his patterns. Likely caused by his upbringing, but unless he actively chooses to address this, he won’t change. It’s not your job to help him, or fix him, or put up with this shit because of how he was brought up.

this is a ltb from me. He’s joyless and is having constant digs at you to try and make himself feel better, but is too emotionally immature to look at himself and see it. You deserve better. Don’t waste your life on a man who isn’t kind to you.

HolidayAtNight · 14/06/2023 07:30

LatteOneShotplease · 14/06/2023 00:41

Who needs a snack straight after dinner anyway?

Why be nasty for no reason? How is this relevant AT ALL?

Jesscococolake · 14/06/2023 07:39

LemonjeIIo · 13/06/2023 21:25

When he is nice he is lovely
When he is like this he is a dick

Huge Red flag.
He is not in love with you. Seriously. He is just going along with it all as he lives in your house .

I had a partner like this - it was exhausting and I lost all my confidence. I was frustrated.

I will never forget the words my brother told me when I confided in him.

‘ You only take what you are willing to put up with’.

3 options

Accept it ( you can’t )
Change it ( you can’t )
Leave it

Love yourself . Leave this prat.

FOJN · 14/06/2023 08:12

It's exhausting dealing with someone who perceives criticism where there is non. Get rid of him.

His housing is not your problem. His uncaring mother is not your problem. You cannot fix the broken childhood of a man who thinks you are the problem and it's not your job anyway. He a fully grown adult who needs to get his shit together. If he took some responsibility for himself I wouldn't be quite so harsh but he wants to blame you, refuse to accept it.

His behaviour over the cheese and biscuits is pathetic, "can I have some", is a perfectly reasonable request but one that seems beyond him. Having a tantrum because you didn't fulfill your waitressing duties to his satisfaction just makes him an arsehole.

piedbeauty · 14/06/2023 08:15

Hurrah, it's your house. So you can get rid of him easily.

Op, there is no point wondering why he's acting like this or what made him this way. All that matters is the effect it has on you.

You're not happy, he's a dick, get rid of him. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Boshi · 14/06/2023 08:19

My DH is like this - it stems from self hatred. They treat you like shit because they feel shit about themselves and it soothes them to have let loose on someone else and have them feel like them for a bit

Leave him if you can as it never improves unless they see it in themselves and call time on it.

yellowsmileyface · 14/06/2023 08:40

3 options

Accept it ( you can’t )
Change it ( you can’t )
Leave it

This. I can relate to being in a relationship where I felt constantly on edge. It's no way to live. It was the worst time of my life and leaving was hands down the best thing I ever did for myself. I felt like I could breathe again.

Aprilx · 14/06/2023 08:47

I would say something if my husband got up made himself a snack and then sat down in front of me to eat it without asking if I wanted some. That is hypothetical though, because I can’t imagine him ever doing that. I would honestly be incredulous.

StMarysTrainee · 14/06/2023 08:52

Do you feel cherished? Respected? Treated with courtesy and loving care? That is love and life is too damn short for any facsimile for the real thing!

If this person can behave mannerly with a stranger in the street then why wouldn’t they with the person they are supposed to care for most in the world - you? The answer, however hard to swallow, is that he does not think you are worth his effort.

Again, life can be different and kind.

Royalbloo · 14/06/2023 09:01

He can get his own house and his own snacks.

CleverLilViper · 14/06/2023 09:19

I can’t actually believe there are people saying how offended they’d be if their partner got up and made themselves a snack and didn’t get them one like they’re children incapable of doing for themselves. If you want a snack-get up and get one. Or failing that, tell them. It must be tedious living with people like that.

OP, I think you know what you need to do. Get rid. He sounds like he looks for reasons to be annoyed at you and that is never good. The fact that he tries to put you in the role of villain indicates some abusive tendencies. No matter what you do here you won’t change him. He may pick up for a bit but he’ll soon be back to his old tricks. It’s tedious being with people like that and it grinds you down. Always having to mind your words and tone just in case.

that’s no way to live.

CleverLilViper · 14/06/2023 09:20

Also he speaks to you like that because he gets away with it. He doesn’t do it with people on the street or people he works with. He does it because he knows you’ll put up with it.

Betsybee88 · 14/06/2023 09:38

I think you'll find there lies your answer, it always starts in childhood and their upbringing. He's probably repeating to you what was said to him.
You have to choices either get rid or make it very clear that he has no right to talk down to you. He has a choice whether to break the generational shittyness or not.

Jellyx · 14/06/2023 09:47

It sounds like he has low self esteem and is insecure. So he is extra sensitive to comments or actions that mean you're criticising him or seems like you don't care.

Why don't you have a chat with him - tell him what's upset you and ask if there's a better way you can communicate with him.