How old is too old?

[cadburyegg]

I mean grandparents looking after grandkids.

I don't want to say how old my mum is but she helps me with school pick ups 2 days a week and helps out 2 days a week in the school holidays. I'm starting to wonder what age is "too old" to do this.

Everyone is different but is there an age where you'd be shocked if a grandparent was helping out? And does it depend on the age of the kids?

Everyone is different

yes

keep your mothers age to yourself by all means

but utterly daft not to say more about her health, fitness and activity level

And does it depend on the age of the kids?

good grief, really?

Well it depends on the health of the GP. I wouldn't think anything of a mobile and entirely 'with it' 80 year old picking up granchildren if they were happy and confident in the arrangement.

I'll take a guess. 68?

How will I know if I'm right, @cadburyegg ?

I really think it is totally impossible to say. People of the same age can have totally different fitness levels. I think most 80 year olds would struggle looking after 2 young kids, but if they are still perfectly fine mentally could still be very helpful being the grown-up to keep an eye on older kids. Lots of 70 year olds would be absolutely fine looking after younger kids, but some wouldn't.

It absolutely depends on your DM's level of fitness and competence, and the age and number of your DC.

Odd that on your other thread a few weeks ago who can’t understand why people would use their family and not pay for childcare

most odd

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4800305-why-dont-people-want-to-use-paid-childcare

My 80 ish year old mother is fit and healthy and would have no issues my mil was 'elderly ' and infirm in her late 60s. It really is down to the person not the number

My son's great grandma occasionally collects him from nursery and she is 80. Super fit, still goes out jogging, walks her dogs twice a day, no health concerns. Everyone is different.

If they are fit and capable and want to help and you trust them, then fine.
My mum is 72 and has dementia. She can't look after my kids. The last time she did was pre-diagnosis and there was a mishap with my allergy child's food despite it being labeled and separate from the others.
My in laws are in their 80s and had my son last week overnight. He's 11. He is able to tell them what he wants/needs and do as he is told. I probably wouldn't leave a baby or toddler with them as harder to manage, but yes 11 years ago I happily left my child there and the in laws were a solid and crucial part of our childcare at the time.

It's not about the grandparent's age at all.

Everyone is different, yes. Some people manage to be a president of US at 82. Some can't be trusted with a kettle at 70.

My MIL could look after all of her grandchildren for a week and enjoy it, whereas my mother would struggle with one grandchild for a couple of hours. Both in their sixties.

I also know an active Scout Leader in his 70s!

I used to live next to a 98 year old who had a better nightlife than we did and who would be perfectly capable of still looking after children past say toddler age

My mother on the other hand is 29 years younger and starting with dementia and not safe to be left with children by herself

Im not sure age is relevant, physical health and mental capacity (i.e. dementia) is far more relevant

I'm sure some would struggle in their 60s and others would be fine in their 80s.

I think you just need to make sure (a) you review each term whether she's still happy or would like to step back a bit, and (b) you keep an eye out for signs that she's finding it too much but not willing to admit it - I think some grandparents end up planning for an early night and not doing anything the following day after having the grandchildren.

Of course, the kids do get easier to look after as they get older, so you might be lucky.

There might be ways to reduce the load without stopping involvement altogether - eg if a friend can see them to her house after school so she doesn't have the journey, or if there's an activity they can do for part of the day so it's not whole days in the holidays.

If it's a reverse, and you're finding too much, bite the bullet and say so!

@@HandsupSue

i can't work out whether you mean of course or of course not??

@cadburyegg too many factors to take into consideration.

My Great Aunt is 94 this year, she has 5 grandchildren from 4 to 20. She stopped driving through the pandemic, due to losing her confidence in lock down, so now she can't do school pick ups, but was prior to that. She (since the pandemic) gets a bit repetitive & forgets what she's told you about boring shit, but as far as looking after kids she's as onto it as ever. She's still perfectly able look after them
all (obviously the older ones don't need looking after, but the other older ones (not the 18 & 20 year olds obviously) but the 11 & 13yo like her to stay or stay at hers if their parents go out/go away)

my Mum is 80 & still drives, picks up my brothers 4 kids from school
(usually only 1/2 due to sporting stuff) and stays at theirs or they stay at hers quite often because between the 4 of them my DB & SIL are at sports games/meets all the time.

OTOH I'm 54, not in the best health & have NO illusion I'll be the same, sadly.

I mean that I am shocked that a parent actually asks whether the age of a child impacts the level of care required from a childcare provider. I assumed that would be abundantly clear

Yes it depends on the age of the kids

And obviously depends on the attitude/health of the GP

Impossible to answer, my mum developed Alzheimer’s in her mid 60’s so it wouldn’t have been safe for her to help.

Yup, I’ve known people become old / elderly at vastly different ages.

I’d only think someone was too old on the school run if they clearly couldn’t cope.

My dad is 84. Still does school runs for great grandchildren. He voluntarily does it as he says it keeps him young. When your mum feels it’s too much I’m sure she’ll let you know x

It’s impossible to state an age.

My paternal Grandad was physically fit and active into his 90s. He laid his own (large) driveway in his 80s. He would’ve had no trouble looking after a small child for a reasonable period of time.

My dad, in his late 60s, struggles with the stairs due to a heart complaint. There’s no way he could do it alone.

My Mum was late 70s picking my son up from primary school and giving him tea once a week.She was fine but I always got a shove in microwave meal for my son to make it easier for her .

When your mum feels it’s too much I’m sure she’ll let you know x
I don’t think this is always the case, I’ve know a few grandparents who have really struggled and not said anything and the parents weren’t aware of the situation.

Think it depends on I divide all and child. There's a women we'll into her 80s who picks up grand child. Child is very sedate, happily sits and does crafts and watches TV with nanny

My mum is 68 and looks after my almost 2YO nephew. She's feeling it tbh, although she won't admit this to my sister.

If they have another child, it will be too much for her. It might be ok when she's in her 70s, picking a child up from school and giving him his tea - but babies and toddlers for a long day is too hard.

She's in generally good health, but she has more aches than a younger woman, she gets tired quicker and easier, and just constantly getting up and down from the floor is harder.

If I'm honest it pisses me off that she does this - not in the slightest because when my children were little I didn't have the same support (we live 200 miles away anyway!) - but because my sister and partner earn very very well and can easily afford nursery for 5 days a week, they just don't want to pay for it. They're happy for my mum to sacrifice her time so they don't have to sacrifice any of the expensive habits they have.