Sorry another MIL dilemma!

[JDAJ]

Hello all just after others people's perspectives on this. Ive always found my MIL a bit prickly. Just to give some context my first memory when I was seeing DH was her storming into the lounge after I had done the washing up shouting 'who did the washing up? ' I replied meakly that it was me and she said 'I hate people who put wet washing up on top of dry washing up' and stormed off. I remember thinking at the time I'd never marry my husband because I'd have her as a MIL..well here we are! Anyway it's been much of the same sort of prickly comments ever since but I've brushed them aside because I really want our sons to have their family around them and they love it when they see their grandparents. However since her husband passed away she's on her own and now comes and stays every weekend. Now I am all for this, as I said I love the idea of her being a big part of our children's lives, however I am just getting worn down with the comments and feeling like I'm not good enough, not only in her eyes but in general. She makes me feel like I'm not doing enough or I'm failing at parenthood /life. My mums petrified of her so tends to avoid coming over if she's here. My husband tends to hide or goes off to do something else leaving me to look after her. (He spent his life at boarding school so they don't have a close relationship, he's had counselling in the past to overcome some issues with his lack of a relationship with her which has helped him but he now just completely ignores her! She never calls him she calls or texts me). I really don't want to have a confrontation with her because I think it will cause upset and I honestly don't think she knows any different or maybe she doesn't realise how she's coming across (plus I'm also petrified of her). Sometimes I think I'm being too sensitive, am I? Yesterday when she was here the comments included
'who did the washing up' (me) ' 'you've not done a very good job'.
'Are you going to feed your poor dog' (looking at a fat Labrador drooling')
'You really need to wash your car it's filthy'
Talking about electric cars 'it would be terrible if you ever got one, you need to be organised to keep it charged up'. It's hard to get across how she says it but it's like an attack or dressing down each time.
I honestly think she just does not like me. I've got to the point where I'm going to have to reduce how often she comes over but how do I ignore her when she is here! It's just so annoying because she is self sabotaging herself, I'd love nothing more than to have her around but she can't seem to bite her tongue.

It doesn't sound like the husband wants her there or has advocated for her in any way. It's just the OP who, for some weird reason, based in an EastEnders style "family", wants her MIL there, ruining the home atmosphere every single weekend. She's even sacrificed her own mother for this peculiar situation.

"My husband tends to hide or goes off to do something else leaving me to look after her."
Two problems here -

1. He's putting his problems onto your shoulders, which as well as being shit for you is doing him no favours either. He's running away, which is a maladaptive coping strategy that is a problem in itself.
2. She's there every weekend, his buggering off is interfering with his relationship with his sons. And what is it teaching them, to fuck off and leave their future wives to deal with all the shit?

So- no, no, no, he stops hiding/fucking off and deals with his damned mother! He stops putting his burden onto your shoulders and he models acceptable husband/father-behaviour to his two sons. No ifs, no buts, he steps up and behaves like a bloody adult!

"I really don't want to have a confrontation with her because I think it will cause upset and I honestly don't think she knows any different or maybe she doesn't realise how she's coming across (plus I'm also petrified of her)."
Stop thinking of it as confrontation, start thinking about modelling good behaviour for your sons. How would you feel if they started talking to you the way she does? Because she too is modelling behaviour and they will be absorbing it.

Stop accepting her put-down so demurely. Respond. Make a joke of it if you want ('Just can't resist having a go at me, can you Ethel? Well everyone has to have a hobby, I suppose?' then wander off leaving her to it) or just the straightforward 'You know, the way you talk to me is very hurtful, and I want it to stop'. The only thing you have to do is not let her behaviour pass unremarked.

Now, the first couple of times you do this, there will be pushback. She might get huffy, pretend she's offended, sulk, shout - whatever. It is important that you stand your ground. Do not withdraw your remark. I'm guessing whatever she goes with, a response of 'Well now you know what it feels like' won't be far off the mark.

So, I've mentioned two things you have to do.

1. Your husband doesn't get to fuck off.
2. You don't let her barbs pass unremarked.

There's a third thing that is also needed. She doesn't come EVERY weekend. No siree, that stops now. You are entitled to have your boys to your two selves, and that's not happening if she's there. So cut it back. Every other week at most. Discuss with your husband how you're going to do this. I personally would do it together, present a united front ('ganging up', in her eyes) and as a done deal. 'We have discussed this and decided ...'. However, your husband might be inclined to run away, so do it alone if you must. BUT DO IT SOON. And get your family life back.

I'll admit I haven't RTFT however my instant thought to your MIL comments would be "oh do fuck off MIL.. If you don't like how we do things here you had better leave."

I don't understand why some parents seem to want to enable a relationship between their children and horrible people. Your MIL is showing your children how they can behave towards you and get away with it. And that's not on.

You have a DH who can't be arsed with his mother so why should you.

My advice for what it's worth is to tell your DH you've had enough and he needs to step up and he can start by telling her that from now on she visits for tea one Sunday per month, staying 2 hours tops.

You can tell him he can refuse, in which case you will tell her to fuck off and not darken your door again.

Do this tonight

Your DH needs to have a talk with her. It is very unfair of him to scamper off and leave you to deal with her.
You say you want her to a part of your sons lives but what is she teaching them? That it's OK to bully people and talk to you like crap? Do you let your children or your DH talk to you with this level of disrespect?

I love the idea of her being a big part of our children's lives

Why? So she can make your children as miserable as she makes you and your husband?

She isn’t a nice person and just because she happens to be the kids’ grandma, that doesn’t mean you all have to put up with her being a nasty piece work all the time. Stop inviting her.

Some quite spiteful comments! I don't invite her every weekend she asks to come and we make an effort to accommodate her. I've said to my husband every week is too much but as she's on her own he feels sorry for her. Despite the issues he has with her she's still his mother. I'm not one to right family off so quickly, especially not my own, it's also down to my husband how he deals with it and in the meantime I'm trying to make it work.

Your house, your rules. You can politely tell her once, this is your house and you run it as you see fit and if she doesn't like it she doesn't need to come over. It will only take a few weekends away to get her to realize she needs to zip her mouth. And if not, once a month for the kids to see grandma is enough.

Sounds like Horrible Grandma from Friday Night Dinner!
Definitely reduce contact, handover to your DH and reduce time she spends at yours.

Well if he feels sorry for her he needs to step up and take her off your hands. Arrange some activities with her and the boys and so on.
This will continue otherwise and you will only have yourself to blame.

It's also a slippery slope as she gets older. The weekends will get longer and you will have ingrained it in her that it's perfectly acceptable to treat you like this.

Two phrases
"I beg your pardon?"
"Did you mean that to be/sound so rude?"

It doesn’t matter that she doesn’t direct her horrible comments at your children. They are watching you put up with being treated like that.

No grandparent relationship is worth teaching children that they should sit back and allow themselves and/or their loved ones be bullied.

I understand that you don’t like confrontation, but your children need to see that her behaviour is unacceptable.

Does he feel sorry enough to supervise her all weekend long? No sloping off to do important jobs??

It's very doubtful.

So offer up the problem that she's actively being mean on a continuous way. Also known as bullying.

So there are options

He can be there all the time and intercept each and every comment.
He can ring her and discuss it
Or you can agree once every x week/months is acceptable to everyone (but he agrees to be around and support you)

My paternal Granny wasn't nice to my Mum. She made it clear she didn't like her before they got married. We visited her every single Sunday. Always making little digs at my Mum. Then, when I got older, I was subjected to these little and sometimes not so little digs. I do not have any fond memories of her and I didn't even grieve for her as she was darn right nasty to me the last time I ever saw her.

It is not healthy for your children to have this woman living in your home, criticising their mother every single weekend.

And why does this nasty old bag get more time with her grandchildren than your mother does?

Honestly, there would be no more weekend stays anymore if it was me. If she lives close enough to visit, I'd do a once a month afternoon. If she lives far away, perhaps let her come one weekend every quarter.

My parents live in another country so my children only get to see them once or twice per year and they have an amazing relationship.

A good grandparent/grandchild relationship isn't based on the frequency of visits.

I've voted YABU but purely because I think it's literally ridiculous to let her walk all over you for years.

If her own son doesn't want to be around her, why TF should you? It is not your responsibility to maintain relationships with his side of the family, it's his.

She's a grown ass woman who has been allowed to get away with being a cow for years BUT she's in your home!

Why is it so hard to just say something back to her? What's she going to do? She can't be that terrifying, surely?

I think I'd go for something like - 'Listen, if you're going to come and stay every weekend then you really need to think about how you speak to me. If the constant digs continue then we'll have to make some changes because this really isn't working for me'

You never know, she might have more respect for you if you stand up to her!

I just do not understand in any way, why you have not only tolerated this but invited her to your home every week? I did something nice for my mil a while ago, she acted disgracefully as a thank you and I havent spoken to her since. I will never go out of my way for her again. The biggest reason for asking her to leave was because my kids were there and it was important that they learn they don't have to put up with shit from ANYONE. Please stand up for yourself OP, you can do it!

I’m sorry, but all your children are learning is that it is ok to bully you, an attitude which they may well copy in the future.

time for boundaries; personally I think seeing her every weekend is far too much. A frank talk from your husband to her is also long overdue!

it sounds like you are doing your best, but this woman is a horrible bully and you do not deserve this behaviour.

Also I get that you think it's that your DH feels sorry for her but he's not very nice to you is he? He fucks off when she's there for a start so his kindness is on the back of your upset and extra work. Have some agency in your own life. You are a person just like them and deserve to be heard.

Thanks everyone, I needed to hear some of this, some comments have been really helpful. @BecauseLifecanBeHard and
@highlandcoo your posts really resonated thank u. I just wanted to add shes only been coming every weekend since her husband died, before then we probably saw her every 3 months, she lives 2 hours away so when she comes she ends up staying. But yes enough is enough and we need to instigate change.

Every weekend is far too much. Reduce to once a month, max and let your own mother see her gc! When do you have time to do what you want to do?!

I don't invite her every weekend she asks to come and we make an effort to accommodate her.

But you have said he disappears. so there is no "we" accommodating her at all. Just you.

I've said to my husband every week is too much but as she's on her own he feels sorry for her

She needs to get involved in things / with people where she lives. Go to Church. Join clubs or groups. Volunteer. Invite someone to do something with her. I know lots of people who have been widowed but they don't rely on their children to have them stay every weekend. They start the next chapter of their own lives.

Despite the issues he has with her she's still his mother. I'm not one to right family off so quickly, especially not my own, it's also down to my husband how he deals with it and in the meantime I'm trying to make it work.

But the thing is, he isn't dealing with her, is he ?
He says "Come and stay" then disappears.
Quite frankly, even if he were looking after her / involving her in things / taking her places / including her in what he is doing, it is still 1/2 your home too, so he still needs to compromise, but at the moment, he's not even taking any responsibility.

Every weekend would be a hard no from me, I'd reduce to eow at the most

As for her comments, just meet her head on

'who did the washing up' (me) ' 'you've not done a very good job' I won't do it in future then
'Are you going to feed your poor dog' (looking at a fat Labrador drooling') no, he's overweight and greedy, he has more than enough food

'You really need to wash your car it's filthy' not really any of your concern is it, but if it bothers you that much I've a hosepipe and bucket if you want to give it a wash

Talking about electric cars 'it would be terrible if you ever got one, you need to be organised to keep it charged up' good job we don't have one then isn't it

In the nicest way possible, OP.

This.

You don't need to be confrontational to pour cold water on her barbs.
You need a few stock answers that just put a full stop on things by making public her rudeness, she is relying on you being too polite to swipe back, which is hypocritical when she is being anything but polite.

But you don't need to swipe back.
A beat too long of a pause and a 'thinking out loud' muse, like 'what an abrasive comment'
Or 'goodness, I don't grace questions as rude as that with an answer'.
Or 'You might not like it that way but I'm more than satisfied with it so I'm going to go with that'

Or stuff doing those lines.
All with a super calm, even nice, perhaps a little pitying tone of voice.
Your kids will be watching and it will be a matter class in how to manage a verbal bully. Might be the best life lesson they get.

At the moment, you think you're keeping the peace, but you're not, there is no peace... You're just rolling over and hoping you'll get your tummy tickled when actually you're getting a kicking. That's not peace, that's just a victim and bully dynamic, one DD come to rely and and expect. Time to change things up a bit.
Draw your lines and stick to them, she'll adjust cos she won't have a choice.

In a few years time your Sons with be becoming aware of how she treats you. In 10, 15 years time do you want too be having a conversation with them explaining that her being so horrid to you really upset you, but you put it with it so they could have a relationship with her? I'd put money on the fact any 20+ year old lads would distraught that their wonderful mother put up with such shit just for them. Don't do this to yourself. I'm sure their older selves would be throwing her out on her arse and telling her not to visit again.