Sorry another MIL dilemma!

[JDAJ]

Hello all just after others people's perspectives on this. Ive always found my MIL a bit prickly. Just to give some context my first memory when I was seeing DH was her storming into the lounge after I had done the washing up shouting 'who did the washing up? ' I replied meakly that it was me and she said 'I hate people who put wet washing up on top of dry washing up' and stormed off. I remember thinking at the time I'd never marry my husband because I'd have her as a MIL..well here we are! Anyway it's been much of the same sort of prickly comments ever since but I've brushed them aside because I really want our sons to have their family around them and they love it when they see their grandparents. However since her husband passed away she's on her own and now comes and stays every weekend. Now I am all for this, as I said I love the idea of her being a big part of our children's lives, however I am just getting worn down with the comments and feeling like I'm not good enough, not only in her eyes but in general. She makes me feel like I'm not doing enough or I'm failing at parenthood /life. My mums petrified of her so tends to avoid coming over if she's here. My husband tends to hide or goes off to do something else leaving me to look after her. (He spent his life at boarding school so they don't have a close relationship, he's had counselling in the past to overcome some issues with his lack of a relationship with her which has helped him but he now just completely ignores her! She never calls him she calls or texts me). I really don't want to have a confrontation with her because I think it will cause upset and I honestly don't think she knows any different or maybe she doesn't realise how she's coming across (plus I'm also petrified of her). Sometimes I think I'm being too sensitive, am I? Yesterday when she was here the comments included
'who did the washing up' (me) ' 'you've not done a very good job'.
'Are you going to feed your poor dog' (looking at a fat Labrador drooling')
'You really need to wash your car it's filthy'
Talking about electric cars 'it would be terrible if you ever got one, you need to be organised to keep it charged up'. It's hard to get across how she says it but it's like an attack or dressing down each time.
I honestly think she just does not like me. I've got to the point where I'm going to have to reduce how often she comes over but how do I ignore her when she is here! It's just so annoying because she is self sabotaging herself, I'd love nothing more than to have her around but she can't seem to bite her tongue.

I think some of these responses are quite harsh on you OP. You clearly know it’s unacceptable but it’s so ingrained, shes hardly going to change her whole personality is she.

However, that said, this can’t go on unaddressed. Do you have any family time just you, kids and DH? Could you perhaps speak to her, when she inevitably makes a comment like that, just take the past few of those and explain that when she says these things it makes you feel attacked/upset.

I’m sure she’s not doing it on purpose and you might be all she has.

My mother is similar and when we point things out, she will sort of roll eyes and moan to someone else about how sensitive we are but at least it stops for a bit.

On this one I would most definitely make this a DH issue to resolve.

Tell him that next weekend he cannot disappear and leave you to look after his mother. He has to do it. You have done it for X number of weekends on the trot and you've had enough.

I'd also drop into conversation with MiL that she is welcome to leave if things are not to her exacting standards (but you might find a nicer way to say it). In fairness you shouldn't have to if she speaks so freely in your home.

Start making weekend plans for you and your child(ren). Make yourself less available. She is spending time with you because there is a pleasant atmosphere. You should just be able to make it unpleasant enough for her to want to not be there as often.

Could you go to hers once a month and she to yours?

I can't understand why you (as a couple) have her to stay every weekend.
That would be stifling / overpowering even if you all liked each others company.

So sort that out first.

Then, with all the individual comments, challenge them as they are made :
'who did the washing up' (me) ' 'you've not done a very good job'

Well, feel free to do it yourself next time

'Are you going to feed your poor dog' (looking at a fat Labrador drooling')

Just laugh. Look at the size of him, I hardly think he's starving

'You really need to wash your car it's filthy'

I'm more than happy with it as it is - if it is bothering you there is a bucket and sponge in the garage you can use

Talking about electric cars 'it would be terrible if you ever got one, you need to be organised to keep it charged up'

well, it's hardly difficult to remember to charge something - I manage with my phone / iPad / laptop. But if I forgot, then it would be me that would learn a lesson from it

and so forth.

But the key is here, that your dh needs to be involved, too.

Every weekend? No way would I tolerate this. It would be excessive if she was a nice MIL but she isn't even that!! Tell DH that it must stop now. If she behaves herself and reels in her nasty attitude then maybe once a months visits, otherwise she doesn't visit at all.
Yoi need to claim your weekends back!!

I really don't want to have a confrontation with her because I think it will cause upset and I honestly don't think she knows any different or maybe she doesn't realise how she's coming across (plus I'm also petrified of her)

SHE is causing upset, to you. A lot of it! You're shielding her feelings at the expense of your own.
Stop that. Tell her the truth. Tell she needs to stop talking to you like if she wants to continue to be welcome in you home. It will be very hard to do and she may well cry or flounce, but you will feel better if you stand up for yourself.

Do you want your children to see you treated like this and think that its ok?

Your Dh is being a complete twat making you deal with this. I'd be livid.

In the meantime, just politely and constantly push it back. "My house, my washing up technique." "Dog isn't hungry, he's just conning you." Or, my personal favourite when MIL just wouldn't let things go, "MIL, we'll have to agree to disagree on that one and as I'm DS' mother, my decision stands." (I once said that in a lift in a department store, the other woman in the lift with me was clearly thrilled to get out as soon as the doors opened - the tension was HIGH )

Now I am all for this, as I said I love the idea of her being a big part of our children's lives,

More fool you!

If you’re too wimpy face to face, send a text or email:

Hi MIL, I’ve been reluctant to say this but the time has come to be as brutally honest with you as you have always been to me.

Over the years I’ve known you, you have been endlessly rude and critical. I won’t list specific instances but it’s been constant and rather wearing.

I’ve been as tolerant as I can be for as long as I could be but given that you clearly don’t like me, I think it’s best if you stop coming here. From now on SpinelessDH will be coming to you with the children and taking over arrangements for days/times.

best,

OP.

I would have a heartfelt 121 with her about how this makes you feel. Keep it cheerful and just say you love having her around and it's great she bonds with the kids etc but some of these comments hurt you as you try really hard to keep on top of everything. Say something along the lines of she's a great mother in law etc but you like it if she can keep the comments to herself

Good god no!! Don’t butter her up! She is NOT a good MIL!

So first stop her coming every weekend, fortnightly at first, dh to stay and look after her, then reduce further

second start to call out her behaviour, when she complains about the washing up day I think it’s fine, however whilst you are here you can do the washing up if you are not happy, and get her to do it. Dog fat? The vet says he is fine, please stop commenting, car? It’s my car and I am happy as it is please stop commenting.

Stop facilitating her visits. Stop being available so much when she does visit. It doesn't have to be a big statement, just take a step back. As soon as I left my DH and MIL to make visit arrangements the time I saw her halved.

It's lovely that you want her around given the snippy comments. However, every weekend is too much, especially as your own Mother stays away when she is there

You need to sit down with her and your DH and say the perhaps every weekend is a little too much and we would like to try every other weekend. If she ask why, say that you are finding all the comments draining - give examples and perhaps she is not as happy with her arrangement as it is or else why would she persist in making them. Also say you would like to spend some time with your mother.

It sounds as if she needs some hobbies and other interests. Can your DH visit her with the children. I know you said they aren't very close but perhaps they could start to rebuild. So many people on their own build micro resentments to release on their families when they see them. Then they wonder why the family stay away.

Good luck

Don't do this. You will become the enemy and be seen as the one stopping her from seeing her son and grandchildren.

As others have said- why is it ok for your children to see her treating you like this? I think the 'idea' of your children growing up in a big happy cheerful family isn't going to match reality.

Your husband doesn't even like her? Honestly, I wouldn't allow her to come over every weekend. That would be too much time with someone I loved who didn't make horrible comments all the time. I understand you want your kids to have a relationship with their grandmother, but she doesn't seem like such a wonderful influence that you'd want them seeing her every week. She's driving your own mother out, sending your husband out of the house (or into silence), and making you doubt yourself. It's time to limit the contact to a couple times a month, at most. That would be my goal, at least.

I love the idea of her being a big part of our children's lives

The reality doesn't match the idea. So have a rethink.

No wonder your husband doesn't like her. She sounds horrible. Stop being her whipping boy.

And?? Who cares?

In any case, that’s wrong. If Spineless doesn’t go and see her that’s on him not OP.

As for how you ignore her when she does come over... I know the grey rock method is frequently mentioned on MN. Just ignore and make the same non-confrontational, boring response to everything until they get bored and back off. It sounds like you already do that, though? Or are you engaging with her when she spouts her nonsense?

The alternative would be to take the time to tell her exactly how she's coming across and ask her to withhold comment, but if she's an abrasive person, she's unlikely ever to change.

Keep her away or reduce contact It is a bad example for your kids to see you accepting someone treating you so badly. They will learn that this acceptable. It is not.

But why would you think it's good for the children to have a close relationship with her? What will you do if they start to speak to you the way she does?!

Cut her visits right back - she can see her son of course, but not you or the kids. Get your excuse ready (my suggestion is below) and practice that line until it trots off your tongue. Then when she complains, blurt that line out and let the shit hit the fan. Who cares if she falls out with you? What's the loss?

"To be honest MIL, I feel very uncomfortable with the way you often speak to me and I don't want the children to hear it either."

She's bound to deny it; I am sure you could cite her some cast-iron examples, but she will quibble with each one so probably you can never convince her that you are right. But you can convince her that you are serious.

She's a bully; you're being bullied. Look into how to deal with bullying as an adult. You're not in the wrong here, you're not being too sensitive - you need to put boundaries in to protect yourself and restrict her ability to get to you.

Sorry op, but I don’t really understand why you are letting her stop every weekend when she talks to you like this.
Your dcs can still have a relationship with her even if you cut contact to once a month. I think you are being far too nice about this.
I know I wouldn’t have my mil anywhere near me if she spoke to me like your mil does.
You already know this, but your dh needs to step up big time.

Posted too soon. I wanted to also say that while it's understandable that you value your children having a close relationship with their extended family, what's actually happening is that your children are seeing that this is an acceptable way to treat someone. To them, this kind of sniping, bullying and nastiness will become part of the fabric of normal family life, and you really don't want that for them.

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