Sorry another MIL dilemma!

[JDAJ]

Hello all just after others people's perspectives on this. Ive always found my MIL a bit prickly. Just to give some context my first memory when I was seeing DH was her storming into the lounge after I had done the washing up shouting 'who did the washing up? ' I replied meakly that it was me and she said 'I hate people who put wet washing up on top of dry washing up' and stormed off. I remember thinking at the time I'd never marry my husband because I'd have her as a MIL..well here we are! Anyway it's been much of the same sort of prickly comments ever since but I've brushed them aside because I really want our sons to have their family around them and they love it when they see their grandparents. However since her husband passed away she's on her own and now comes and stays every weekend. Now I am all for this, as I said I love the idea of her being a big part of our children's lives, however I am just getting worn down with the comments and feeling like I'm not good enough, not only in her eyes but in general. She makes me feel like I'm not doing enough or I'm failing at parenthood /life. My mums petrified of her so tends to avoid coming over if she's here. My husband tends to hide or goes off to do something else leaving me to look after her. (He spent his life at boarding school so they don't have a close relationship, he's had counselling in the past to overcome some issues with his lack of a relationship with her which has helped him but he now just completely ignores her! She never calls him she calls or texts me). I really don't want to have a confrontation with her because I think it will cause upset and I honestly don't think she knows any different or maybe she doesn't realise how she's coming across (plus I'm also petrified of her). Sometimes I think I'm being too sensitive, am I? Yesterday when she was here the comments included
'who did the washing up' (me) ' 'you've not done a very good job'.
'Are you going to feed your poor dog' (looking at a fat Labrador drooling')
'You really need to wash your car it's filthy'
Talking about electric cars 'it would be terrible if you ever got one, you need to be organised to keep it charged up'. It's hard to get across how she says it but it's like an attack or dressing down each time.
I honestly think she just does not like me. I've got to the point where I'm going to have to reduce how often she comes over but how do I ignore her when she is here! It's just so annoying because she is self sabotaging herself, I'd love nothing more than to have her around but she can't seem to bite her tongue.

Fuck no.
Listen to your DH, he’s checked out and doesn’t want to interact with her, I had the same with my DH he was wanting me to lead reducing the contact.

i came on to say what others have said. You are teaching your children that if you are spoken to like this you are to accept it, that sets them up for many kinds of abuse. Every weekend? WTAF. Nope, say one weekend a month or less for you family to stay together. If she asks just say because enough are absolutely fed up of the way she treats you and you can take it no more.

First, I would never invite anyone over every week-end as it would interfere with family time. The fact that she makes your life miserable just boggles my mind. Why would you invite her so much when her own son takes off leaving you to deal with it. You are creating your own problem and you are the only one who can fix it. Tell her going forward you will arrange other times for her to see the kids but the weekend visits are over.
Do not let her shake your resolve to stick to this. It is your house, you are in charge, and you no longer have to put up with this disrespect in your own home.

Every weekend just no. Even if she was lovely it’s too much.
Tell husband you aren’t inviting her regularly and aren’t hosting. He can entertain her or go out with her.
Grow a backbone.

Hi OP, I have a MIL like this and I used to deal with it my own way - limit visits, grey rock - at least I think that's the term - if she goes off on one of her endless critical rants. Like you, I did everything wrong. There is only one way to do things, and that's her way. The only person who seemed to escape her ire was my DH, her son.

Of course, like highlandcoo my parenting was terribly lacking in every imaginable way, and so was my cooking. But this low contact and grey rocking worked fine for me until the day she started on my kids. Then I let her have it with both barrels. My husband too. I mean she really got it, loud and clear in front of eight other people. She was stumped and to this day has no clue why we rounded on her. I think that's because I'd never stood up for myself, and nor had my husband stood up for me - my one and only gripe in what has been a very happy marriage - I mean apart from this one area he is the ideal husband for me. To be fair to him she often managed to criticise me when he was in another room, or distracted. But he was there for enough of the digs, and plus, he knew what she was like.

I am sure she will continue criticising until the day she dies. It's too bad. She also criticises us for not visiting often enough, causing a few amused glances between us. Her grandchildren are now grown and independent, and they also come to see her very rarely - a real shame because grandpa is a total darling.

Anyway, last time she said "I don't know why /one of our sons, the more sensitive one/ doesn't visit me" I just said "Oh that's easy, it's because you make him feel like shit". I only dared speak so frankly because I was in the car with the engine running about to head for home. Also my DH was not in earshot.

Anyway I wish you lots of courage. And I do urge you to let her know, sooner than I did, that her criticisms are not on. Point out that she's alienating her family. If you dare. I wish I had done it sooner, personally.

‘(i'm mum to 2 boys and I'd hope my future DIL will make an effort to include me!)’

I completely understand you feeling this way but I’m sure you are nothing like your MIL and your sons will not want to exclude you.
YANBU but you or your DH need to say something to her and stop having her over every weekend if she doesn’t change.

Well, that's a rod you made for your won back, isn't it?

Take your husband's lead, stop it. Nobody's happy as it stands. You are making yourself, husband and own mother suffer before some idea of happy families you dreamed up.

You tried. It isn't working. Admit defeat and tell her you can't accommodate her every single week any more.

Then get braver and forward all her messages to DH, stop managing her for him.

Chin up!

MIL; these comments you are continually making upset me. You need to either stop making them or stop coming over all the time. It’s up to you which one of those options you pick, but you will pick one or the default will be the latter and you will no longer be welcome here. I suggest you have a think about your behaviour and attitude because quite frankly, I for one have had enough.

She is his mum and his responsibility, not yours. If she's lonely, tough shit, she should be a nicer person if she wants company. She's an evil manipulative piece of shit and your DH is happy to leave you to it.

If DH won't deal with her, go to your mum's place every weekend. Then re-evaluate your marriage because I would not live like this.

There's obviously mother issues on DH side so I'm not critising him for disappearing, it's how he copes with it all

That's all very well, but leaving it as your problem instead isn't very helpful

Anyway, if people are thoroughly rude you might like to try the phrase "Is there a reason you're choosing to behave like this?"

I am sure that the OP does not want to stand up to/confront her MIL because she knows it will cause so much upset and ructions within the family.
This is a woman who is deeply unhappy and in essence quite jealous of the relationship that the OP has with her DH, her closeness. Remember she sent her DS to boarding school to the extent that her DS isn't bothered with her.
Her way to deal with it is to criticise the OP, so she's not perfect for her son!
I think the OP just has to go with it and ignore it as far as she can and just feel sorry for her MIL, because it will free her up from her resentment.
I would suggest that the only way of stopping her coming every weekend is for her son to suggest it without any suggestion that the OP wants this.

“If you’re going to be in my house every weekend, you need to learn some manners. I’ve taken your criticism for long enough now. I’m done.”

Or get your dozy husband to say it.

What on earth are you modelling as a family to your children?

Two terrified parents in their own home EVERY weekend, one actually hiding, the other being criticised by a rude old woman?

What about when the boys get more verbal and she starts on them?

Your mother terrified to come to your house🙄.

Unbelievable OP.

That you would inflict her on your husband every weekend because of some ridiculously inaccurate idea of family you have, is really selfish of you IMO.

Your husband shouldn't be hiding in his own home due to obvious CPTSD from his rearing.

You think a critical grandmother is more important to have in-house than a present husband, for your sons?

Not only are you being very selfish in your choice, you are deluded.

Sounds like your DH and your DM have washed their hands of her and your the only one making an effort and as a result are lumbered with her. She’s like this because no one has ever stood up to her. Time to stand up to her, especially in your own home. ‘Seriously Brenda, the dog is hardly going to starve’ ‘Brenda, none of this concerns you’ ‘Brenda if you moan about the washing up once more, you can crack in with it.

My MIL is similar, but in my house, it’s my rules and I’m far more chopsy than I used to be. I few glares here and there to put her in her place go quite a long way.

I would arrange to go out, without her, dh or your dcs. Do not tell her. Arrange anything with whoever you can. Then tell dh you are going out. Tell him you are going out and he has to deal with his mother.
Leave the house. If she mentions you going out do not engage at all, just a yes will do.
You will have to make this a dh problem.
You really must stop this nonsense. Your dc will grow up thinking it’s normal to speak to women like shit.

You mentioned you didnt want to cause upset, well you wont cos the only person upset here is you. Your trapped by looking after this toxic woman every weekend who treats you like shit,You have handed her all control and being the woman she is she is happily taking it. She comes to your house waited o hand and foot eats your food sleeps in your home then tells you you cant do anything right...sorry OP but what the hell is wrong with you?She is awful,she doesnt care what she does or says cos she knows you will bow down and accept it,your husband doesnt care as long as he doesnt have to deal with it and soon enough your kids will be manipulated into thinking how useless mummy is too, You and your mum are scared of her..bonkers. Next stop she will be moving in full time cos no one will stop her.Then what ,,,then you will kiss your marriage goodbye,Dont let her destroy your family, Stop her in her tracks..done once properly you wont have to do this anymore,She is not the mistress of your life or home unless you let her.

This.

Why are you putting up with this in your own home?

"MIL, it no longer suits us to have you stay at the weekends" And repeat. If you like you can add "well you clearly don't like me, you treat me terribly so I see no point in you staying with us"

And then your dh can manage the relationship.

The best thing that could happen is she falls out with you.

I love my mil and I couldn't take her every weekend. Why are you putting up with a mil who is nasty to you.

Fuck that. No way.
Stop her coming round every weekend. Get it reduced immediately to once a fortnight and then down to once a month.
You can't be living with this every weekend
And tell DH he has to care for her. Go out when she is there and leave him to it.
Also, pull her up on it when she starts criticizing.

I relate to this a lot. Your husband is being a disgrace, leaving you to deal with this constant low level bullying. She really does not need to stay every week- that’s ridiculously frequent. I also think the grandparent relationship thing is over rated, what is she actually adding to the children’s’ lives?
I did a thread a couple of months ago after MIL stormed off. She stormed off because after a week of put downs and comments about my house, I asked her to stop criticising my house. She was extremely rude then left. It’s actually been really great not having had anything to do with her since.
I also feel that often, we think we’re being dutiful but really, we’re being passive and lacking in boundaries. I think you and dh need a very frank talk about her behaviour to you and his enabling of it. If he won’t compromise and/or support you, then you have a husband problem too.

🤣 ‘a woman who does all this’ will not receive that chat very well, you can pretty much guarantee it.

The ONLY advantage to having an awful MIL is that it shows you exacly what NOT to do when you become the MIL.

How about some toddler style discipline?
Next time she is rude 'No, I'm not having that. You were so rude. You can go home right now. Come on!' Get your car keys and take her if need be.
Don't worry about her badmouthing you. If she's rude to you, she will be rude to everyone. So people will see why you did what you did.
And do that every time she's rude.

Cut down visits to once a month max, she's using you for her entertainment, she needs to make friends of her own. (Hmm. That might be tricky!)

How rude I would be giving her a taste of her own medicine. Or don't be around when she visits leave it to DH to deal with her and tell her why you aren't there.

Clearly I need to put big girl pants on and start setting boundaries, claiming back our weekends and facing up to the situation.

I disagree. If it is his DM coming over each weekend, your DH needs to step up and sort this out, not you. He needs to set boundaries and not hide behind you to be the 'bad person'.

Good god in heaven,why would you want this awful woman anywhere near your kids? She did such a number on your husband that he needed counselling and cannot be around her, and she’s driving your own mother away.
Your husband needs to put some of that counselling to good use and tackle his mother,if not im afraid you will have to be the grown up.
Just imagine the effect her constant criticism will have on growing children, are you happy to enable this abuse? She is insulting and criticising you in your own home where she is the guest,she has you scared, how secure do you think your kids will feel knowing mum cannot or will not protect them from this horrible person, or they will see you as a total pushover and you will have No authority over them.
Every weekend is far too often anyway and it must be affecting your marriage if you’re so stressed, you need to tackle this or sell the house,move and don’t tell her.

Stop having her round your house, you are an adult, it's your house. Your husband doesn't really have a relationship with her so why bother? Let your husband take your kids round once a month if he wants to, you owe her nothing, I wouldn't even want to waste my weekends being around someone like this.