Sorry another MIL dilemma!

[JDAJ]

Hello all just after others people's perspectives on this. Ive always found my MIL a bit prickly. Just to give some context my first memory when I was seeing DH was her storming into the lounge after I had done the washing up shouting 'who did the washing up? ' I replied meakly that it was me and she said 'I hate people who put wet washing up on top of dry washing up' and stormed off. I remember thinking at the time I'd never marry my husband because I'd have her as a MIL..well here we are! Anyway it's been much of the same sort of prickly comments ever since but I've brushed them aside because I really want our sons to have their family around them and they love it when they see their grandparents. However since her husband passed away she's on her own and now comes and stays every weekend. Now I am all for this, as I said I love the idea of her being a big part of our children's lives, however I am just getting worn down with the comments and feeling like I'm not good enough, not only in her eyes but in general. She makes me feel like I'm not doing enough or I'm failing at parenthood /life. My mums petrified of her so tends to avoid coming over if she's here. My husband tends to hide or goes off to do something else leaving me to look after her. (He spent his life at boarding school so they don't have a close relationship, he's had counselling in the past to overcome some issues with his lack of a relationship with her which has helped him but he now just completely ignores her! She never calls him she calls or texts me). I really don't want to have a confrontation with her because I think it will cause upset and I honestly don't think she knows any different or maybe she doesn't realise how she's coming across (plus I'm also petrified of her). Sometimes I think I'm being too sensitive, am I? Yesterday when she was here the comments included
'who did the washing up' (me) ' 'you've not done a very good job'.
'Are you going to feed your poor dog' (looking at a fat Labrador drooling')
'You really need to wash your car it's filthy'
Talking about electric cars 'it would be terrible if you ever got one, you need to be organised to keep it charged up'. It's hard to get across how she says it but it's like an attack or dressing down each time.
I honestly think she just does not like me. I've got to the point where I'm going to have to reduce how often she comes over but how do I ignore her when she is here! It's just so annoying because she is self sabotaging herself, I'd love nothing more than to have her around but she can't seem to bite her tongue.

Why on earth do you have someone in your home you’re terrified of?

Your husband will put a stop to these visits when he has to deal with her every weekend. Start a hobby, go out, don’t be there.

When I read posts like this, I'm amazed at how much better people than me exist in the world. No way in hell would I let my MIL or even my own mum stay at my house every weekend. I cannot believe you're 'all for it'. If she's annoying you and making you feel uncomfortable, there's an easy solution - don't let her stay. It's YOUR house.

Thanks for all your replies, I realise I'm being a wimp, I guess I'm just trying to keep the peace. She isn't like this with the boys, she dotes on them hence they love having her to stay. I also think that's why I put up with it because they enjoy having her around but your right, I hadn't thought about them hearing this dialogue and thinking it's acceptable. There's obviously mother issues on DH side so I'm not critising him for disappearing, it's how he copes with it all. I also realise I'm probably hoping for lovely family get togethers which doesn't quite tally with reality. Clearly I need to put big girl pants on and start setting boundaries, claiming back our weekends and facing up to the situation.

YANBU but you are being unreasonable to put up with her behaviour. Like hell would I have her to stay. I’d get dh to take the kids out to meet her without me!

She isn't like this with the boys, she dotes on them hence they love having her to stay
So how long before your sons start parroting her re your 'uselessness' etc?

My Mum is also really rude, about everyone and everything. And when she’s not being rude, her other favourite pastime is moaning. We all used to tiptoe around her, try to change the subject, gently disagree with her. But myself and my sister decided one day to start standing up to her - we just tell her to stop her bad behaviour as soon as she starts it. As it’s just exhausting and emotionally draining to be around her. The result is she doesn’t come visit us much anymore (as she’s being telling other people that we are rude to her 😂🙈) but I’m honestly just happy to not see her very often anymore!

How is yr relationship with yr own mum if she stays away because of MIL? Seems rather unfair x U really shouldn’t have to put up with her rudeness she has little respect for you.

Good god no. Do not say this. Why praise her for being a critical bully?

Just stop the visits and tell her why. It's because she is a horrible, interfering MIL who cannot keep her nasty mouth shut.

Absolutely no way would I be allowing my mil or my own mother to stay every weekend, sounds like pure hell to me. You are going to have to tell her you are reducing it to every other weekend as you want to go out and do things with the kids or something, or just tell her the truth?

I had decades of sucking it up and keeping the peace and then I finally decided that I'd had enough. I started saying the thing that I was thinking, clearly it was ok to do that seeing as she did it all of the time. "Did you mean that to be so rude or did it just come out wrong?" in a voice of polite enquiry was the turning point for me. She spluttered a bit and was speechless. I have no doubt that she was still thinking all the things that she would previously have said but after that I heard less of them. I did have to refresh occasionally with "wow, that was rude" but once she'd realised that I was no longer going to put up with it she stopped. Mostly.

I also addressed my response to the hinting, sighing and eye rolling. If she didn't use her words and say what she meant I ignored it. If she said something in expectation of shaming me into doing the opposite I just did as she said. "Oh, don't bother coming to see me this week, I'll be fine here on my own (sigh)" got a swift ok. I regret not tackling it twenty years earlier because we got on better once I wasn't continually in a simmering rage.

Indeed. Because she WILL.

“We obviously have different rules/standards in our houses. Nobody is right or wrong. Just different” said mildly and on repeat every single time.

Hopefully she’ll get fed up of hearing that sentence and shut up,

She sounds more direct than rude. Each of those examples you have given are more observational than anything else and can be easily ignored, redirected or killed without being rude or having a confrontation. Notwithstanding the electric car I have said similar to my husband just today about his washing up, the dog not being fed and begging and the car needing washing.

The biggest issue you have is your husband expecting you to host your MIL and that certainly needs addressing.

Stop trying to "keep the peace" at all. How long before your boys learn to treat you like this? How do you know that they haven't already and it will come out as they get older?

Start standing up to this dreadful woman. Let your boys see that you won't accept being treated like a doormat and stop being so wet.

Why do they need so much contact with her? Surely as they head into their teenage years they will cease to be as interested in her, especially as she might well start on them then.

Personally, I think your DH has the measure of her by steering as clear as possible. Tell her together that she can no longer come over every weekend because she simply cannot behave herself.

I don't think that it should be the Op having to take responsibility.

Yep. She will.

My husband tends to hide or goes off to do something else leaving me to look after her

This is the start and end of the actual problem. Tell your husband to sort it out.

If I were you I'd tell her to stop criticising me constantly, I'd do it calmly without losing my temper. If she won't accept that then every time she comments bounce it back to her again calmly. Finally you can say that you need to cut down on visits as a result of her attitude, she either changes it or you don't see her very often, it'll be up to her.

My MIL is very similar.

My crimes in the past have included: stacking plates, turning on main lights and sitting in the wrong chair (not hers a person who wasn’t present at the time) leaving the washing machine on when leaving the house and so on.

I am constantly critiqued by way of the children (when they were babies) and the dog. “Hasn’t she fed you” etc.

When the dc were tiny it really upset me as I was struggling. DH did have a word with her and she stopped briefly. These days it bothers me not at all. The only people it upsets are my DH and DC (DC1 in particular). I cannot fathom what she thinks. He married me , I’m their mother why the fuck does she think they want to hear a constant complaints about me? It’s really sad as she is ruining her relationship with them.

She only gets invited up when I do so. They are her only grandchildren and she can’t see the damage she is doing.

The daft thing is I think she quite likes me. I think she thinks she’s funny and that everyone would want to do things her way so I should be grateful for the instruction.

However since her husband passed away she's on her own and now comes and stays every weekend. Now I am all for this.

There's your problem.

Given that your husband hides from her, and has had to have therapy about his relationship with his horrible mother I wonder just how abusive she was to him growing up. Maybe it is less about expecting him to "man up" and deal with his mother, but more that he is unable to, I mean you don't usually think poorly of abuse victims avoiding people who have abused them.
This would make it more important to limit your children's exposure to MIL, they shouldn't be watching MIL bullying you, and their father hiding from her, and probably even more so because she is nice to them while awful to their parents.

I have a great relationship with my mum, we see each other every week during the week. I guess we just rub along with it and try to understand why she is so abrupt but i'm now tired of making allowances. I think also I've been very conscious to include the MIL because I didn't want her to feel excluded (i'm mum to 2 boys and I'd hope my future DIL will make an effort to include me!) but she just makes it so god damn hard!

My husband tends to hide or goes off to do something else leaving me to look after her.

Your real problem in a nutshell. Tell DH that she is not coming over unless he is there and that you will be the one going out (perhaps to meet your mum?) in future. If you think he will renege then make sure you're up and out before she gets there so he can't abandon you.

I'd not have her in my house, but I'm not you.
I'd say, to be reasonable, not more than one weekend a month. And tell her she is out of line every time she is rude or interfering. I assume you don't let your kids be rude? So why allow someone who is supposed to be an adult, and therefore an example to your children, to be rude?

OP I have so much sympathy because I've been where you are .. as far as the constant criticism anyway. Thank God though she lived at a distance and we only saw her every month or so. More than enough.

It's easy for people to tell you to stand up for yourself and stop putting up with it, but if she's aggressive by nature and you're much nicer, it just seems very daunting. My MIL had a lot to say and if challenged on any of her opinions would get quite angry and as I'd had a dad who, although loving, had a short temper and I had a deep-seated instinct to avoid conflict I think.

My problem was that I started going out with DH when we were teenagers and I didn't have the life experience or confidence to know how to handle her. I was never good enough for the apple of her eye and I won't list all the ways she criticised me as it's boring but basically my house was never clean enough (it was fine) she didn't think I dressed glamorously enough (I was a mum of three little kids in my twenties and wore jeans a lot) she didn't like my cooking (honestly it was so much better than hers just a bit "foreign" and with al dente vegetables etc) and on and on and on. The most hurtful comments were when she criticised my parenting though. That really stung.

DH didn't stand up for me either and that was a real problem. I still feel more than cross about it. His attitude was "it's just what my mum's like" and wanted me to take no notice. The constant carping can really get you down though.

Eventually I'd had enough. The day my dad died and I phoned to tell her her reaction was all about how shocked she was, how upset she was; very over the top and dramatic. All about her which was typical. I remember thinking "This is MY dad! Your reaction is so selfish" And something to do with the loss too; something so serious had happened and I suddenly didn't feel scared of her getting cross with me any more if I stood up for myself.

We never had a huge falling out. I just calmly challenged her from then on when she was being ridiculous. And I would point out when she was being rude or hurtful. Once she almost even apologised. Unheard of! And just like @Knotaknitter above, it was amazing how she managed to tone it down. In her old age she even started to compliment me sometimes. In reality she was a bully who needed to be stood up to. I wish I had done it long ago.

I think if you can be brave and calmly challenge her, you might surprise yourself OP. It's not easy but it can be done. Good luck.