To want to say no?

[Diagonalley96]

I have a friend who I have known since high school. We never even hung around with each other all that often in high school but after leaving school would go the odd night out/lunch together and text every few weeks due to us working in the same place.

we haven’t seen each other for 5 years. We now text maybe once/twice a year- to wish each other happy birthday normally. We live 10/15 mins drive from each others homes. We haven’t been in each others current homes, I’ve never met her partner, she hasn’t met three of my children. This all obviously through choice as geography etc isn’t an issue. There is nothing stopping us seeing one another, we just haven’t thought to as we aren’t very close.

She got engaged recently and I wished her congratulations on her Facebook post. She immediately messaged me and asked me to be maid of honour. I didn’t know what to say, so I haven’t actually said yes or no. I was very taken aback as she has sisters, female cousins, friends etc. she said she doesn’t feel close enough to them to ask them. She has also began to message me saying about a hen night which she is planning to have abroad. Bridesmaid dress colours etc.

Im not saying much at all and feel very awkward as I really don’t want to be involved. To be perfectly honest I would have been surprised to have had a wedding invite nevermind a role in the wedding. I really don’t want to have to go abroad for a hen do- I have a lot of financial priorities of my own just now (5 young kids, Disney trip we are paying off while I’m on maternity leave, planned to get a second car etc). So I really can’t justify it when it’s for someone I never actually speak to.

My mum and other friends say I need to go along with it as it’ll hurt her feelings but I feel that the hen do alone is a huge undertaking. I’ve only ever left my children overnight for one evening away with my husband and to work nights. The thought of leaving them for a long weekend to go get drunk with a load of strangers and a girl I last saw 2 years before covid, just doesn’t sit right with me.

but I can’t think of a nice way to ease myself out of the situation. Am I just a horrible person for feeling uncomfortable with this?

You not a horrible person and it's bizarre that she's asked you to be her MOH. I'd just tell her that you can't do, wish her all the best and leave it at that, it's not like you'd be losing a close friend if you don't hear from her again.

YANBU. Just tell her in a message you're really sorry but you can't do it and block her. It's not like she would probably notice if you're not that close.

Yeah, that's a bit odd. You're not obligated to do it. You could tell her that its so lovely of her to ask you to do it and under normal circumstances you would but you have too many commitments at the moment to take on something like that. And wish her the very best.

Yeah I think this is the kindest way to do it (blocking her would be very harsh!!) but yanbu at all to not want to do it.

What about something like this?

“Dear bride,
Thank you for thinking of me and offering me the opportunity to be your Matron of Honour. It’s an honour that you have thought to choose me for this important role.

With regret, due to financial reasons and family plans and the responsibilities it entails I’m sorry that I can’t commit to being the MOH I would like to be for you.

Im so sorry but hope you have a lovely hen party and that your wedding day goes well.
With best wishes “
etc etc.

YANBU. But you need to say no as nicely as possible as soon as possible. It's not fair to to leave her hanging.

send a nicely worded text that you are thrilled and flattered to have been asked but having thought it through carefully you won't be able to do it because of other financial and family commitments.

It's not compulsory to have an MOH so it's not as if you pulling out means the wedding is off but it's not kind to let her think you will be involved when you won't be.

Thanks everyone- I think that’s the thing, I really wouldn’t be a good maid of honour at the moment. DH and I work opposite shifts, I’m doing my masters degree and we have 5 very young children. I don’t have the time for more obligations and I just feel I’m an odd choice who wouldn’t be able to give it 100%.

I do feel really uncomfortable and like I’m stringing her along. I just don’t want to hurt her feelings either.

Oh this isn't a red flag, it's a whole parade of red flags. The people telling you that you cannot 'let down' someone you hardly know for a role that is usually entrusted to the people to whom you are closest, really need to give their heads a wobble

In your shoes, I'd say I was honoured by the invitation and thank her very much but that I couldn't possibly: you are very sorry, it just won't be possible.

And keep saying how sorry you are that it won't be possible.

Nothing that she can argue against, and keep only saying how sorry you are that it won't be possible.

I think blocking her is completely OTT. People are so trigger happy with blocking people these days: its so unnecessarily aggressive and final.

I think you're well within your rights just to say you're really flattered but you don't have the time or the resources to commit to it now. Leave it open. If she's a good friend she will realise that you have a lot on your plate and cut you some slack and you may be able to pick it up when you have fewers commitments. If not, no great loss anyway.

My mum and other friends say I need to go along with it as it’ll hurt her feelings but I feel that the hen do alone is a huge undertaking.

Oh FFS, it's no wonder so many women second guess themselves when refusing unreasonable requests; there's often a queue of other women reminding them that their primary function is to support everyone else at their own expense.

Your friends request is weird given you haven't seen each other for 5 years. Just say you're flattered to be asked but won't be able to be her maid of honour. Don't try to make up an excuse if she asks why, just tell her you haven't seen each other for 5 years and wouldn't feel comfortable. If she gets the hump them I'm sure you'll survive the loss of twice yearly texts.

She's an adult, it's not your job to prevent her ever experiencing a negative emotion.

I just feel I’m an odd choice....

Given all you've written, I agree, you are an odd choice. I imagine she has offered you a part in a friendship/family drama you know nothing about. Asking you is intended to hurt/piss off a more suitable person. Steer clear.

yes, that was my thought too.
You're a pawn in a game she's playing with someon else. As PP have said, politely decline ASAP.

How utterly odd, both her request and your friends' and families' responses! Steer well clear of this OP, something odd going on. Either she struggles a bit socially and doesn't realise exactly what the usual requirements are of a MOH (i.e. that it's someone very close to you, and that it's often quite a lot of responsibility on that person), or she's chosen you for some other reason, and I can't think of a "normal" reason at all! For one thing, being a MOH usually requires that you know a bit about the bride and her preferences and personal situation so you can plan things accordingly. How on earth would you do that? This is going to snowball into a giant and confusing ball of stress if you don't pull out very promptly.

That would make more sense!

'Dear bride, thanks very much for asking me to be your maid of honour. I've been giving it a lot of thought and due to my kids, maternity leave, work and studying I definitely wouldn't be able to do the role justice. I know you'll have an amazing wedding love op'

Yeah I this what I thought reading the OP.
What an awkward situation you've been put in here especially with family and friends not really being helpful to you.

It's obvious she doesn't really know you OP, your juggling 5 children, a masters degree, working and all other life shit. I'm impressed 😆 Really though you need to knock this on the head but let her know in the same message about the fact you cannot attend an abroad hen do either due to your commitments. I wonder if that could be part of your 'get out'.

This. Send it sooner rather than later

it's no wonder so many women second guess themselves when refusing unreasonable requests; there's often a queue of other women reminding them that their primary function is to support everyone else at their own expense.
Spot on @FOJN .

Your 5 kids are the get out clause here. Just say you really don't have the time to be closely involved but you wish her and her fiancé well.

That's a really bitchy thing to do. She clearly doesn't have many friends.
Just say no. There's no need for her to be an arsehole about it.

So have you sent the text then?
There's a lot of good wording suggested, just bite the bullet and let her know.

It is odd that she asked you but she might be lonely and not have as many close friends as you think. In your circumstances I wouldn't do it and I wouldn't feel bad about not doing it, just tell her as soon as possible so she can pick someone else. I would just be honest and say it's too much for you to take on right now with your family commitments and financial limits. I would only block if she starts to give you trouble.

YANBU to not want to do it.
However YABVVVVVU to not tell her that and just leave her presuming you are.

Just tell her that, whilst you are flattered / honoured / whatever word you want, it just wouldn't be possible, and say something along the lines of hoping she has a lovely day and lovely time in the run up to the wedding.