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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to say no?

76 replies

Diagonalley96 · 12/06/2023 13:16

I have a friend who I have known since high school. We never even hung around with each other all that often in high school but after leaving school would go the odd night out/lunch together and text every few weeks due to us working in the same place.

we haven’t seen each other for 5 years. We now text maybe once/twice a year- to wish each other happy birthday normally. We live 10/15 mins drive from each others homes. We haven’t been in each others current homes, I’ve never met her partner, she hasn’t met three of my children. This all obviously through choice as geography etc isn’t an issue. There is nothing stopping us seeing one another, we just haven’t thought to as we aren’t very close.

She got engaged recently and I wished her congratulations on her Facebook post. She immediately messaged me and asked me to be maid of honour. I didn’t know what to say, so I haven’t actually said yes or no. I was very taken aback as she has sisters, female cousins, friends etc. she said she doesn’t feel close enough to them to ask them. She has also began to message me saying about a hen night which she is planning to have abroad. Bridesmaid dress colours etc.

Im not saying much at all and feel very awkward as I really don’t want to be involved. To be perfectly honest I would have been surprised to have had a wedding invite nevermind a role in the wedding. I really don’t want to have to go abroad for a hen do- I have a lot of financial priorities of my own just now (5 young kids, Disney trip we are paying off while I’m on maternity leave, planned to get a second car etc). So I really can’t justify it when it’s for someone I never actually speak to.

My mum and other friends say I need to go along with it as it’ll hurt her feelings but I feel that the hen do alone is a huge undertaking. I’ve only ever left my children overnight for one evening away with my husband and to work nights. The thought of leaving them for a long weekend to go get drunk with a load of strangers and a girl I last saw 2 years before covid, just doesn’t sit right with me.

but I can’t think of a nice way to ease myself out of the situation. Am I just a horrible person for feeling uncomfortable with this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Diagonalley96 · 12/06/2023 18:47

ThatFraggle · 12/06/2023 15:45

Are you/DH very rich? Or at least compared to her? Maybe she's hoping you'll fund things.

I wouldn’t say we at every rich but we both earn a lot more than her and her OH. Although I have a lot more in outgoings with our children.

OP posts:
Original poster
Diagonalley96 · 12/06/2023 18:48

Darkandstormynite · 12/06/2023 17:51

Totally missing the point but in the UK are we referring to secondary schools as High School now? thought that was an American term?

😂😂 mines was a high school. Husband was from another part of the country and his was referred to as “the academy”.

OP posts:
Original poster
Diagonalley96 · 12/06/2023 18:50

Thanks to everyone for their replies. I don’t feel as guilty now. I’ll definitely address this with her and point out that with the kids etc I’m probably a really rubbish choice.

OP posts:
Lacoeur · 12/06/2023 18:52

Odd that she’s asked you. I would just be honest and say while you really appreciate being asked, you just wouldn’t be able to commit to the role but wish her all the best and say you will meet for celebratory drinks when she’s back home from her wedding. Then I’d leave it at that - the ball is then in her court if she chooses to take it the wrong way that’s on her not you.

Vintageteatowel · 12/06/2023 18:59

Don’t do it. Even being MOH for a close friend is hard enough. I did it for a good friend and it was like a job. Organising the hen do and dealing with the brides annoying relatives is a thankless task!

Brendabigbaps · 12/06/2023 19:03

The last thing I’d want is for someone to agree to bE my MOH just so not to hurt my feelings!

RampantIvy · 12/06/2023 19:09

Diagonalley96 · 12/06/2023 18:50

Thanks to everyone for their replies. I don’t feel as guilty now. I’ll definitely address this with her and point out that with the kids etc I’m probably a really rubbish choice.

Leave out "probably", and say that you can't do it. You need to be firm and make sure she understands that no means no.

Darkandstormynite · 12/06/2023 20:08

Thanks for clearing that up! I've heard it a few times recently but didn't know it was a thing, just thought it was another YouTube import from US. 😊

Vintageteatowel · 12/06/2023 22:37

Are you good at organising things OP? I think brides definitely select people who will take the burden off their hands.

UsingChangeofName · 12/06/2023 22:46

Diagonalley96 · 12/06/2023 18:50

Thanks to everyone for their replies. I don’t feel as guilty now. I’ll definitely address this with her and point out that with the kids etc I’m probably a really rubbish choice.

No!

Be clear and say "No, I can't"

Original poster
Diagonalley96 · 13/06/2023 11:46

Vintageteatowel · 12/06/2023 22:37

Are you good at organising things OP? I think brides definitely select people who will take the burden off their hands.

I am quite good at organising things and normally love a “project” but just feel I have a million things on as it is just now.

OP posts:
MiniCooperLover · 13/06/2023 11:48

OP, stop procrastinating, just message her and tell her no? How long ago did she ask you?

Vintageteatowel · 13/06/2023 12:24

You need to just say no then. She has obviously clocked you as an ideal candidate. You don’t have to take on the job! I would never do it again, it’s not that fun just a lot of admin!

RampantIvy · 13/06/2023 13:07

MiniCooperLover · 13/06/2023 11:48

OP, stop procrastinating, just message her and tell her no? How long ago did she ask you?

I agree. It isn't fair to make her wait.
All you need to say is that with 5 young children you don't have the time, headspace and money to take on the role.

Tell her today if you haven't already done so.

IMO being asked to be MOH is like being handed a poisoned chalice as it involves a lot of hassle.

Original poster
Diagonalley96 · 13/06/2023 15:58

MiniCooperLover · 13/06/2023 11:48

OP, stop procrastinating, just message her and tell her no? How long ago did she ask you?

At the weekend.

OP posts:
DPotter · 13/06/2023 16:11

I’ll definitely address this with her and point out that with the kids etc I’m probably a really rubbish choice

No no no no no
nothing probably about it. Take care of your wording here - saying something like "I'm probably a bad choice" could be totally misread as wanting re-assurance that you'll be brilliant but need a bit of nurturing.

Be more definite, after all the thanks and waffle, cut to the chase

I'm sorry I given this a lot of thought and I'm going to decline your request. I'm so busy with work, family and my masters that I am not able to accept.

And if the request keep coming - No I given this a lot of thought and I'm going to decline your request, and put this on repeat.

Respond by tonight so she doesn't get too used to the idea of you being MOH and not only organising her hen party but also her wedding by the sounds of it

WildNorthEast · 14/06/2023 21:32

Have you messaged her yet?

Original poster
Diagonalley96 · 15/06/2023 01:17

Yes I messaged her- I keep meaning to update.
She did seem a bit hurt but accepted my rationale. She has asked me to consider even being a bridesmaid but I do feel that in itself brings a lot of work and I’d still be expected to go to the hen do etc. albeit, with less of a role in terms of planning and organisation.Ive told her I don’t think this would be ideal but she kept saying “just think about it”. We have agreed to make a bit more effort in terms of meeting up and keeping in touch but I do think this will quickly fall to pieces and it’s never really been a thing for years.

I feel like a bit of an arse still. But i suppose it’s better to be transparent now than it becomes an issue further down the line.

thanks to everyone who replied.

OP posts:
JandalsAlways · 15/06/2023 03:34

Make up something that you don't have the time to commit to the role (don't see how you could anyway with three kids!), ans oya an honour but you'll have to decline but would love to attend as a guest

JandalsAlways · 15/06/2023 03:36

ThatFraggle · 12/06/2023 15:45

Are you/DH very rich? Or at least compared to her? Maybe she's hoping you'll fund things.

Wow that's the most cynical thing I've heard in a long time!! 😳

ThatFraggle · 15/06/2023 05:19

JandalsAlways · 15/06/2023 03:36

Wow that's the most cynical thing I've heard in a long time!! 😳

Show quote history

Well, asking someone who lives ten minutes away but whom you haven't seen for years is utterly bizarre, especially when you have sisters and cousins who could fill that role if you don't have other friends.

Why would you ask an acquaintance to fulfill such a role?

Most things in the world boil down to sex and money.

CecilyP · 15/06/2023 05:59

I feel like a bit of an arse still. But i suppose it’s better to be transparent now than it becomes an issue further down the line.

Don’t feel like that. You were always on odd choice, having a large family already. The fact you live so close and haven’t seen each other for years makes you an even odder choice. You would have been surprised to have even been invited to the wedding, let alone being asked to be so involved.

Aprilx · 15/06/2023 06:43

Followill · 12/06/2023 13:22

YANBU. Just tell her in a message you're really sorry but you can't do it and block her. It's not like she would probably notice if you're not that close.

Why on earth would you block her?!

Besttobe8001 · 15/06/2023 08:02

Diagonalley96 · 15/06/2023 01:17

Yes I messaged her- I keep meaning to update.
She did seem a bit hurt but accepted my rationale. She has asked me to consider even being a bridesmaid but I do feel that in itself brings a lot of work and I’d still be expected to go to the hen do etc. albeit, with less of a role in terms of planning and organisation.Ive told her I don’t think this would be ideal but she kept saying “just think about it”. We have agreed to make a bit more effort in terms of meeting up and keeping in touch but I do think this will quickly fall to pieces and it’s never really been a thing for years.

I feel like a bit of an arse still. But i suppose it’s better to be transparent now than it becomes an issue further down the line.

thanks to everyone who replied.

You need to talk to her again. This is how to deliver a "no": you say the no, say a load of nice fluffy stuff and then say the no again

"I'm not going to be your bridesmaid either Susan. I think you're wonderful and I'm so happy about your wedding blah blah less than ideal my own kids blah blah. So I'm just letting you know, I'm absolutely not going to be your bridesmaid"

UsingChangeofName · 15/06/2023 19:08

Ive told her I don’t think this would be ideal

Again, you are not being clear.
Why can't you say "No, I can't do it" ?

Use the phrase in the quote above, but just be clear it isn't happening.