To want to say no?

[Diagonalley96]

I have a friend who I have known since high school. We never even hung around with each other all that often in high school but after leaving school would go the odd night out/lunch together and text every few weeks due to us working in the same place.

we haven’t seen each other for 5 years. We now text maybe once/twice a year- to wish each other happy birthday normally. We live 10/15 mins drive from each others homes. We haven’t been in each others current homes, I’ve never met her partner, she hasn’t met three of my children. This all obviously through choice as geography etc isn’t an issue. There is nothing stopping us seeing one another, we just haven’t thought to as we aren’t very close.

She got engaged recently and I wished her congratulations on her Facebook post. She immediately messaged me and asked me to be maid of honour. I didn’t know what to say, so I haven’t actually said yes or no. I was very taken aback as she has sisters, female cousins, friends etc. she said she doesn’t feel close enough to them to ask them. She has also began to message me saying about a hen night which she is planning to have abroad. Bridesmaid dress colours etc.

Im not saying much at all and feel very awkward as I really don’t want to be involved. To be perfectly honest I would have been surprised to have had a wedding invite nevermind a role in the wedding. I really don’t want to have to go abroad for a hen do- I have a lot of financial priorities of my own just now (5 young kids, Disney trip we are paying off while I’m on maternity leave, planned to get a second car etc). So I really can’t justify it when it’s for someone I never actually speak to.

My mum and other friends say I need to go along with it as it’ll hurt her feelings but I feel that the hen do alone is a huge undertaking. I’ve only ever left my children overnight for one evening away with my husband and to work nights. The thought of leaving them for a long weekend to go get drunk with a load of strangers and a girl I last saw 2 years before covid, just doesn’t sit right with me.

but I can’t think of a nice way to ease myself out of the situation. Am I just a horrible person for feeling uncomfortable with this?

Just reply saying " I'm very touched to have been invited, but I'm afraid I have to turn it down. Just now we have too many other commitments."

Polite, kind, no lies; and nothing she can argue with.

Just say this. It sounds very reasonable. If she takes offence she isn’t being sensible.
I admire your work ethic, good luck!

@2bazookas has it right. If you start saying things about not being able to give it 100%. Or that you wouldn’t be a very good maid of honour etc etc, it gives her an excuse to disagree with you. Then she will be trying to persuade you to change your mind. I also agree with the PP’s who said something else is going on behind the scenes with her.

If you were close enough to be MoH you'd be close enough to ask her why she's making such an unusual choice!

I wouldn't read as much into it as some PPs have. I'd just think that maybe this friendship was a lot more significant for her than it was for you and she possibly sees you as best friends since childhood.
You're still perfectly entitled to say no with all you've got going on but there might not be any sinister reason why she offered it to you rather than someone else.

I would offer to be MOH at the wedding and thank her for asking you, but would make it clear from the outset that I couldn’t go overseas for the hen party, and ask her if she would prefer to ask someone else instead? That way she gets to choose. It puts her in the driving seat. If there are family issues then you can still be there for her.

Stop thinking of the hen and tell her you don't want to be MOH. Do it today.

Are you/DH very rich? Or at least compared to her? Maybe she's hoping you'll fund things.

Or very cool when younger? Locally respected? It’s very strange.

Having read all the angst on MN that being MOH entails it would a straight no from me.

"Sorry, I'd be a terrible MOH as I wouldn't be able to go on the hen, never mind organise it. I've got five little children now and can't even go to the loo in peace! Hope you have a fantastic time xx"

Just say you are very flattered to be asked and you wish her well but with 5 young children (presumably one is very young if you are on mat leave you can't afford the time or the money.

That's perfect, I'd send something like this.
(I'm laughing as this describes my life right now 😂)

I reckon she's a bit of a pain in the arse and no-one who knows her well was willing to do it so she landed on you.

I'd be saying "Thanks for thinking of me but I have far too much on my plate these days to take on anything more. Enjoy the wedding planning!"

Don’t sound too apologetic, or like it’s been a difficult decision that has required a lot of thinking, and weighing up etc.

“Hi X, thanks for thinking of me to be your MOH. Unfortunately I just don’t have the time or resources to commit to a role like that, so I’ll have to say thanks but no thanks. I’m sure you’ll find someone who will do a brilliant job for you, good luck with it all”

This is a huge red flag. I would be declining immediately.

And you would have seen her in the past five years. Super weird request. Say no and do it quickly.

Totally missing the point but in the UK are we referring to secondary schools as High School now? thought that was an American term?

Why would you offer? They never see each other. It's an awkward request at best.

Yes this

You have the perfect excuse - 5 children - just politely say you are really happy for her and you are so touched/honoured whatever word works for you that she would ask you to be MoH but that sadly you will need to decline as with all your family commitments/work etc you could not give the role the time it deserves plus you do not have the annual leave and finances available to join an overseas hen party

They have been called high schools for years. My old school, which I left in 1977 was called xx High School.

I think you are in a tough position. But the kindest thing to do is own up and perhaps say you don't feel comfortable doing such a prominent role in the wedding. She will feel far worse if you go along with it, then she later discovers your true feelings.

Say yes, as long as all your children can be bridesmaids, pageboys, ring bearers and can come on the hen do as they're too small to leave behind.

"My mum and other friends say I need to go along with it as it’ll hurt her feelings "
And what about YOUR feelings? Honestly, your mum and friends are totally batshit. Say no, and say it soon. You've had several good suggestions on how to word it; pick one, and send it tonight!