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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband annoyed after my trip to Ibiza…

142 replies

Nottodaysatan87 · 12/06/2023 11:33

I’m trying to work out if I’m in the wrong here or my husband. I went on a weekend trip to Ibiza with my sister. On the last night I sent a video to my husband of planes flying over the club to show our son. He messaged back saying “who’s that in the background” it was a guy asking if I had got the video as I had spent ages trying to get one. I explained we had met a stag party the day before, who happened to be on the same flight as us. They were also at the same club that day. He then ignored all messages from me and deleted me from Instagram after I posed a picture.

When he eventually got back to me, he said he had been busy looking after our kids while I was out partying with stags. I’ve tried to explain that it was completely Innocent, we obviously didn’t arrange to meet these guys there but why would we ignore them when we bumped into them. For what it’s worth, they were so respectful and obviously nothing happened. We just chatted for a bit and had a few drinks while listening to the music.

My husband is still very annoyed and acting off with me (but saying he’s fine). It’s making me feel terrible and like I have done something wrong. My sister thinks I shouldn’t have said anything at all to him but I didn’t see the need to lie.

I would like to add that he works in nightclubs so spends a lot of days/nights out and drinking and socialising. Im sure if he said he was hanging out with a hen party I might feel worried but I would just ask him , not give him the silent treatment. Am I in the wrong?

OP posts:
007DoubleOSeven · 13/06/2023 11:28

Nottodaysatan87 · 12/06/2023 12:50

He’s going away with his friends in a few weeks

Show quote history

I would be interested to see how he behaves during and after this. If he seeks to further punish you and "just do what you were doing" then I would, at the very least, be delivering an iron-clad ultimatum.

Yanbu. His behaviour is appalling.

SamW98 · 13/06/2023 12:26

jc12689 · 12/06/2023 16:21

Weekends away in Ibiza and other destinations typically associated with people on stag and hens doos looking for a shag?

That’s a very narrow part of what Ibiza has to offer.

I go out there for weekends sometimes as I’ve been into house music all my adult life and still like to go out for some of the festivals. And shock horror I'm over 50 - and there’s a lot older than me still into the music scene.

SamW98 · 13/06/2023 12:29

Sarahtm35 · 13/06/2023 00:02

Ugh I couldn’t be in a marriage where my husband was off pubbing and clubbing with his mates all the time at 46. Do people not grow up anymore?

So what are appropriate social settings and events for older people and what’s the cut off age?

There a huge over 40’s music scene out there hime and abroad . It’s not all about getting pissed in the local high street Ritzy.

WaterIris · 13/06/2023 13:02

Thesharkradar · 12/06/2023 13:10

The fact that he is suspicious of you says a lot about what he gets up to at work
☝️👀

Exactly what I was thinking.

OP I read your post and immediately thought that this sounds like a classic case of a man kicking off because he's worried you might be up to what he routinely does when he's 'socialising'.

I'd take no shit on this. Tell him he's being pathetic. Tell him you were honest with him about where you were, what you were doing and who you were with and why. If he has a problem with it then it's exactly that - his problem, not yours. Point out that he has been doing similar for years and you have never said a word. Finish by asking if he is being arsey and paranoid because he's got a guilty conscience himself?

FurryPelmet · 13/06/2023 13:06

Either guilting you into never going on holiday again without him or projecting his own behaviour in nightclubs while you aren’t there onto you. Many women find irrationally jealous men behave like this because they themselves would behave badly if they bumped into a hen party on holiday and so they assume their partners are as shitty as they are. My ex accused me of flirting when he was secretly having an affair himself. Does he behave well himself?

Either way, his tantrum is pathetic. YANBU.

2bazookas · 13/06/2023 13:24

I would like to add that he works in nightclubs so spends a lot of days/nights out and drinking and socialising.

Unfortunately, his work probably gives him the worst insight into worst misbehaviour of stag party attendees. That's why he's so upset that you and Sis encountered one.Because of his work experience I'd probably allow his tortured imagination a little leeway. He'll get over himself, eventually.

fetchacloth · 13/06/2023 19:07

YANBU For goodness sake, this isn't the 1950s.🙄

Toomuchfun · 13/06/2023 19:18

Seems like he might be projecting.
Funny how he can spend nights out at the club for years but you can't.

bigalt · 13/06/2023 19:39

Really simple in my eyes.

If his first response to you having a nice time is jealousy you're with the wrong guy.

The folk on here saying they'd be jealous must have had bad experiences or else just childish.

If my partner was having a nice time on hols I'd be so pleased for her and the same if I was away. I'd not entertain anyone who would show an ounce of jealousy. Just not the people I choose to surround myself with

zombie0037 · 13/06/2023 19:43

If it was the husband on stag, night, you lot be telling her to divorce her cheating husband. Makes me laugh everytime. And he will be the asshole.

notokaywiththetropes · 13/06/2023 19:51

zombie0037 · 13/06/2023 19:43

If it was the husband on stag, night, you lot be telling her to divorce her cheating husband. Makes me laugh everytime. And he will be the asshole.

None of us would be saying that. Talking to a woman is not cheating. You don't divorce because your husband spoke to a woman.

Are you quite well?

Freefall212 · 13/06/2023 19:55

You hung out with them at the club, they were on your flight, they are in your videos…this wasn’t just one random thing.

and I agree if this was switched the women aren’t called jealous, immature, insecure and controlling for questioning their husband hanging out with the same women in multiple locations over time…

this is a good thread to save for the next post about a husband talking to / hanging out with other women. Instead of divorce him will the responses be, nah you are just a jealous immature insecure controlling wife.

Freefall212 · 13/06/2023 19:57

notokaywiththetropes · 13/06/2023 19:51

None of us would be saying that. Talking to a woman is not cheating. You don't divorce because your husband spoke to a woman.

Are you quite well?

Show quote history

Go read a few threads. The divorce him is for a lot less than hanging out with a guy at a club and then still having out the next day with the same guy and sending videos home with him in it…

Blueblell · 13/06/2023 20:14

I would say he is stressed from having the kids all weekend and a bit jealous. Also part of him wants to deter you from leaving him with the kids again.

Newmumatlast · 13/06/2023 20:47

OP I saw something the other day that said listen when people apologise to you because they're telling you what they consider worthy of an apology. I think the same is true of when people get annoyed about something like this - its them giving you a hint about how they would behave in said circumstances I.e. your husband is mad because if he were the stag party or the man on holiday befriending a hen party he would behave a certain way so he is judging them by that standard. Otherwise why would he jump to it being inappropriate?

unsync · 13/06/2023 20:53

He's projecting his behaviour. As well as behaving like a twat.

Doone21 · 13/06/2023 22:16

I think I'd be booking another weekend away while he's still saying fine to everything

Nutterjacks · 14/06/2023 09:19

Thesharkradar · 12/06/2023 13:10

The fact that he is suspicious of you says a lot about what he gets up to at work
☝️👀

I think you've hit the nail on the head.

MrsRobinsonsHandprints · 14/06/2023 09:24

Saschka · 12/06/2023 12:12

Are you a lot younger? I only ask because not many 46 year old women go clubbing in Ibiza (I know some do!), and I’d expect a stag do to be mostly younger men too, given the average age of first marriages.

If your DH is 46, and you are younger and off clubbing in Ibiza with men your own age, I suspect that is what the issue is. He needs to get over it, it is part and parcel of being with somebody much younger.

Show quote history

A lovely bit of ageism. People can go clubbing or have stag parties at any age. This is not acceptable behaviour, there is either trust or there is not. If there is no trust then their is no relationship.

My only concern would be that he doesn't trust you because he doesn't trust himself. His behaviour is not acceptable, do not feel guilty for going away.

KimberleyClark · 14/06/2023 09:24

PleasantOwl · 12/06/2023 11:41

You are allowed to speak to men. You’re not being unreasonable.

DH was away this weekend for a night out in a different city. He told me they got chatting to a hen doo on the train, who shared some cans of cocktail with them. There’s no issue whatsoever.

My DH got tagged in a Facebook photo on the train with a bunch of hens while travelling to see his mum. I thought it was funny.

RavenofEngland · 14/06/2023 13:06

I know that I’m a bit late to this thread, but I had a man like this. If I went out with my work colleagues, he would be back at home fretting and worrying that I was getting on with another guy. When I called him out on it, he said he trusted me, just didn’t trust anyone else. when I had my Hen do it was at a strip cabaret (Adonis show). He tried to phone me during the evening to see how things were going. My MOH spoke to him and jokingly said that I was under the table snogging another guy. We were all rather inebriated. When I got home, I was given the cold shoulder. It took me ages to reassure him, and eventually he got over it. We still got married, but I was extremely aware that he had severe trust issues and it took me a long time to get him over that. Unfortunately my marriage ended last year and it was him that strayed. not me.

SamW98 · 14/06/2023 13:28

Hate to say it but I was always told liars accuse you of lying, chests accuse you of cheating - classic deflection tactics and judging by own standards.

Tootsweets84 · 14/06/2023 14:48

He sounds immature and controlling. I can't deal with jealousy. It destroys otherwise happy relationships and leaves people feeling ashamed and isolated for no rational reason. There is none of that in my current relationship and I am eternally thankful for it. OP you should be able to let your hair down and have innocent conversations with people of the opposite sex without being made to feel like crap

Sunshine275 · 14/06/2023 19:31

What concerns me in these situations is they is he judging you by his own standards and things that happen while he’s working in clubs, women flirting with him etc.
I too went to ibiza, my husband never once even questioned anything, even when I sent his a video with men who sat with me and my friends (mainly cos I was ranting all the time I don’t go away with girl friends to spend time with men 🤣)
Trust is huge, it worries me for you that he doesn’t trust you but maybe because of his own thoughts/feelings/actions. My ex constantly accused me of cheating or messaging other men. I wasn’t. Turned out he was.

Worcestershirem0mmy · 14/06/2023 22:03

I would be devastated if I married a man that can act like this when you’re out enjoying yourself. Controlling, nasty and selfish